Lex's Wikihood Redux Remake/eps/4

Summary

Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste...

Transcript

{Open to the courtroom. The audience is leaving, while Sephiroth and the others are standing around and discussing among each others.}

EDGEWORTH: I still can't believe how you cretins thought that that psycho was me. Hmph.

SEPHIROTH: I'm sorry dude, it's just that you two are rather similar.

{Edgeworth punches Sephiroth in the stomach.}

EDGEWORTH: I DON'T HAVE GREEN HAIR, YOU IDIOT! Ugh, I'm out of here! I don't even know why I even bothered wasting my time with this garbage.

{Edgeworth storms out of the court, pushing everybody aside who happens to be in this way. Through the doorway comes the Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII.}

SILVER: Huh, what? What the hell is that guy doing here?

SEPHIROTH: He was to be called as a witness. ..Even though he wasn't actually there. I'm surprised he agreed to it.

FFVII SEPHIROTH: Hmph. I'm not here for you. It's Edgeworthington I'm after. The man is a notorious conman who swindled me. Tried to sell me my mother's head. It wasn't even hers, it was someone else's.

SILVER: That's not creepy at all.

FFVII SEPHIROTH: You think that's creepy, you should see the fanfics.

SILVER: I'd rather not, thank you.

FFVII SEPHIROTH: Hmm. Suit yourself.

{Badstar runs in, along with Shadow and Znex.}

BADSTAR: Guys, you gotta come quick! Enigma's broken out of prison, and he's teamed up with Super Sam, Eggman Nega, and Edgeworthington!

SEPHIROTH: What?

SHADOW: It's true. I tried to fight them off, but they were too much for me. They managed to escape with the money, and now they're on the loose.

SEPHIROTH: Any idea of their goals?

SHADOW: Well, Enigma kept talking about his imminent end and how he wished to be financially secure before he is drafted out of the series.

SEPHIROTH: That actually makes sense, considering the major example of Chuck Cunningham syndrome that this series has. We need to stop them!

SILVER: What of Edgeworthington?

SHADOW: He was with them.

SEPHIROTH: ...We need to check his mansion for clues. We might find him there.

SHADOW: But..

SEPHIROTH: I SAID, WE NEED TO CHECK HIS MANSION FOR CLUES. Scooby Gang, let's split!

SHADOW: I hate you.

{The gang split. Shadow, Znex, and Badstar go one way, while Sephiroth, Silver, and FFVII Sephiroth go another. Cut to Enigma and Super Sam, who are standing on a mountain top, counting their cash.}

ENIGMA: 750 grand. Seven fucking-hundred and fifty grand. Shit man, we are set for life! WE ARE SET FOR FUCKIN' LIFE! WHOO!

SUPER SAM: Finally, my dream will come true. I will own my own Aldi store.. One I can have to myself. And I will drink all the cola... LET US MAKE THIS DREAM A REALITY. FORGET EGGMAN NEGA AND EDGEWORTHINGTON. LET'S DO IT NOW.

{Shadow, Badstar, and Znex come up from behind them, having climbed the entire mountain in a matter of seconds.}

SHADOW: Oh Jesus.. Let us catch our breath... Let us..

{Super Sam quickly banhammers them off the mountaintop.}

SUPER SAM: NOPE.

{Cut to Noxigar in the Wikihood house, noticing that it is empty.}

NOXIGAR: Hmm? Am I the only one here? ...NICE.

{Noxigar notices a DVD lying on the ground mentioning "a prophecy" of a dark evil. He places it in the DVD player and watches. A group of hooded cultists are seen, worshipping a black widow spider in her cage.}

CULTIST: Isn't she lovely? And so deadly. Her kiss is 15 times more poisonous than that of a rattlesnake. Her venom is highly neurotoxic, that is to say that it attacks the central nervous system, causing intense pain, profuse sweating, difficulty in breathing, loss of consicousness, violent convulsions and finally... death.

{The other Black Widow Cultists give out a "Horrah!" and are seen drinking some sort of strange drink.}

CULTIST: You know, I think what I love most about her is her innate, inborn need to dominate, possess.. In fact, immediately after the consumation of her marriage to the smaller and weaker male of the species, she kills and eats him! Aha, oh.. she is delicious! And once the end of the world comes, the Queen will rise above all others and rebuild the world in her image, turning us all into her slaves. All hail the Black Widow!

{The other cultists echo his statement of "All hail the Black Widow", and they take another sip of their drink.}

CULTIST: Such power and dignity, unhampered by sentiment. If I may put forward a slice of personal philosophy, I feel that man has ruled this world as a stumbling demented child-king long enough! And as his empire crumbles, my precious Black Widow shall rise as his most fitting successor!

NOXIGAR: Hmm, how strange.

{The other cultists cheer, and the DVD ends abruptly. Cut back to Super Sam and Enigma.}

SUPER SAM: Those two are really starting to annoy me now.

BADSTAR: {From behind} Too bad!

{Super Sam and The Enigma turn around. Shadow throws all the chaos emeralds into the air. Shadow transforms into Super Shadow. Badstar transforms into Super Badstar. Super Badstar's head, gloves, and legs, are all dark blue. His star shirt is black.}

ENIGMA: The fuck?

{Cut to Noxigar, where has noticed that the bank vault in his room is open.}

NOXIGAR: Wait a sec-.. OH SON OF A BITCH! THOSE ASSHOLES! I'M GOING TO MURDER EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE FOOLS, DON'T THEY REALIZE WHAT THEY'VE JUST DONE? IF VINDICATOR FINDS OUT THAT THE GODDAMN CHAOS EMERALDS ARE BEING USED AS A PLOT DEVICE, HE'S GOING TO DESTROY THEM. THEY COST ME TEN MONTHS OF PAY!

{Noxigar teleports himself to the mountain where the battle is going on.}

NOXIGAR: Hand back the Chaos Emeralds now! If you don't, I will personally break every bone in your body! I have to hide them in a bank vault with ALOT of air conditioning to keep them in the vault. Who took them?

BADSTAR: It was Shadow's idea!

SHADOW: My idea? What the hell are you talking about, it was yours!

{Pan over to Enigma and Super Sam, who are watching the two bicker.}

SUPER SAM: I just realized.. You said that one of them dies anyway, so why don't you just shoot them?

ENIGMA: That's a great idea, actually.

{Enigma quickly draws out a revolver and aims it at Badstar's head. Before Badstar notices, he pulls the trigger and fires the bullet. It hits Badstar inbetween the eyes, killing him instantly and causing his body to fall off the mountain and into a pit of spikes.}

SHADOW: Badstar, no!

ENIGMA: Ha, looks like your little friend is dead. You're next, bucko.

SHADOW: ...It was still his idea.

{Cut to Edgeworthington's Mansion. Sephiroth, FFVII Sephiroth, and Silver are standing at the entrance.}

SILVER: What exactly are we looking for, anyway?

SEPHIROTH: Oh, nothing. I just wanted an excuse to steal his stuff.

{The door creaks open and an Italian plumber in a green suit runs out.}

SILVER: Luigi? Are you kidding me?

LUIGI: Eep, it's-a really creepy-a in-a there-a!

{Luigi tries to run away, but FFVII Sephiroth picks him up by the collar.}

FFVII SEPHIROTH: I like your suit.

LUIGI: Oh, um.. thank you!

FFVII SEPHIROTH: In fact, I like it so much that you're coming with us.

LUIGI: Wait, that makes-a no sense!

FFVII SEPHIROTH: Too bad. Move your ass.

{FFVII Sephiroth shoves Luigi back into the mansion, and the others follow. Inside, the mansion is nicely furbished, and rather clean. A figure is greeting them at the top of the staircase.}

???: Excellent. I've been waiting for you to arrive.

{The figure jumps off of the staircase, doing a full-frontal flip before landing on the ground in front of them. He stands up and dusts himself off before presenting himself.}

SEPHIROTH: Who are you?

???: If you'll allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste. I've been around for a long, long time, hell, I've stolen many a mans soul and faith.

SEPHIROTH: Yeah, but-..

???: I WAS AROUND, WHEN JESUS CHRIST HAD HIS MOMENT OF DOUBT AND PAIIIIIN. MADE DAMN SURE THAT PILATE WASHED HIS HANDS AND SEALED HIS FATE! SO I'M PLEASED TO MEET YOU, AND I HOPE YOU GUESS MY NAME! But what's troubling you? Is it the nature of my game?

SEPHIROTH: Yeah yeah, I've heard the song before. Just tell me your name, damn it.

???: Hmph. My name is Chaos, and I'm a courier for the reaper himself. He personally sent me to give you this.

{Chaos pulls out a bundle of black envelopes and hands them to everybody.}

CHAOS: Not only that, but I feel the need to mention that death himself happens to be my father, and he requires me to take your friend's soul back to the underworld. I'm sure you're aware of this already, no?

SEPHIROTH: Badstar's dead? Since when?!

CHAOS: Since half an hour ago. My condolences, but it's a job I have to do. Inside the envelopes are invitations to his funeral. I trust you'll all be there, right?

SEPHIROTH: I-..

CHAOS: Excellent. I'll be waiting!

{Chaos grins wickedly, before disappearing in a cloud of darkness. Cut back to Enigma and Super Sam. Znex and Shadow have fleed, after realizing that Enigma knows how to work a gun.}

ENIGMA: And.. that's it. I'm done.

SUPER SAM: Huh, what do you mean?

ENIGMA: The script of the old series. This is the last time that I'm mentioned. That means that we've won. We're rich, baby!

SUPER SAM: Chuck Cunningham is finally starting to take effect? What of me?

ENIGMA: Oh, you're not around much either. You have a tiny role after this, but it's completely insignificant and has nothing to do with the plotline.. Well, what little of it there is. We're free.

SUPER SAM: You mean.. We're free?

ENIGMA: WE'RE FREE! AND FREEDOM TASTES OF REALITY! WE'RE FREE. WE'RE SO FREE! AND I'M WAITING FOR YOU.. TO FOLLOW ME!

{Montage of Super Sam and Enigma climbing down the mountain and running through the meadows below.}

ENIGMA: I told you what it takes to reach the highest high, you laughed and said that nothing's that simple!

SUPER SAM: But we've been told many times before, Messiah's pointed to the door, and no one's had the guts to leave the temple!

{Enigma and Super Sam leave the show on a graceful note, having gotten away for their crimes, and never to return. Cut to Badstar's funereal. a majority of the Wikihood characters are there, plus some unknown people. A priest walks next to Badstar's grave.}

PRIEST: We are all here today, because of the loss of Badstar. He shall not be forgotten. Shadow would like to come up and say some words.

{Shadow gets up on the podium, but is pushed away by Vindicator, who has his own eulogy.}

VINDICATOR: I didn't really know the kid that well, but I'm sure he was cool. He had that Homestar Runner thing about him.. Um.. He had boxing gloves too, which is kinda sweet. Um..

{Vindicator shyly walks off of the podium. Chaos gets up from his seat and glares at Vindicator for a couple of seconds before taking to the microphone himself.}

CHAOS: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to cut this funeral short. I have a deadline to keep, and Badstar's starting to decompose. My most sincere apologies.

SEPHIROTH: That's not fair! We're at least allowed some time to mourn him!

CHAOS: Oh no, you can still do that! I knew that some of you wouldn't be so cool with this, so I made sure that the wake is longer. Not only that, but all the drinks are on me! You happy?

SEPHIROTH: No.

CHAOS: Too bad, bucko.

{Chaos goes up to Badstar's coffin, opens it, and then pulls a chain out of Badstar's chest. He opens a portal to the Underworld and throws Badstar's body into it. The portal closes afterwards. Cut to Badstar's body in the underworld. Badstar's ghost comes out of it. }

BADSTAR: Eh? Where am I? What is this place?

{Hades, from Disney's Hercules appears in front of Badstar.}

HADES: Baby, you've just checked into the Hell Hotel. Enjoy your stay.

BADSTAR: Hell? No way, I've been good!

SP SATAN: Oh, that has no leverage nowadays. You can be a saint and still be sent here.

BADSTAR: Huh?

{Badstar turns around to see Satan from South Park standing behind him.}

SP SATAN: Yep. God's a bit of a dick, really. He only accepts Mormons into his kingdom.

HADES: Yeah, sorry mate. Don't worry though, you ain't going to be punished or anything. Hell isn't that bad of a place, in fact. Other than the fire and brimstone, you can find it to be quite hospitable. The food's good, the women are hot, and the drinks are free. What more can you ask for?

BADSTAR: Ooh, really? In that case, I'm glad to leave that stupid planet behind. Viva La Hellfire, baby!

HADES: Ha, that's the spirit!

BADSTAR: Spirit.. OH YOU.

{Everybody in hell shares a hearty laugh with each other. Cut to the funeral.}

CHAOS: Well then.. I've dealt with Badstar, given you all a cosy reception.. Only one more thing to do.

{Chaos shoots a spark of lightning at Silver, who is thrown across the room.}

SEPHIROTH: What the hell was that for?

CHAOS: Ooh, did I forget to tell you? You're all a bit of an annoyance. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to dispose of you all. It's not by my decision, so don't hate me for it. It's just that someone out there really hates you, and he's contracted me to destroy you all. Badstar's death not only happened to be a brilliant convenience, but an excellent opportunity to take the rest of you out as well.

SEPHIROTH: You bastard.. This will not be happening on my watch! I'm going to take you down!

CHAOS: Oh, I'm sooooo scared! Try it, mortal!

{Sephiroth starts glowing with light energy. His skin turns into a shade of light-blue, and his hair becomes a golden colour. His clothes transform into a suit of heavenly armour, and a lance materializes in his hands.}

CHAOS: Oh my! A Sharothian! I haven't seen someone of your type for centuries!

SHADOW: A what? You mean that this douche isn't even human?

CHAOS: Oh no, the Sharothian's are a proud warrior species from a different galaxy. I've had the pleasure of dealing with them before in my lifetime. I've worked with many, but I've never killed one before. This will be most fun, indeed!

{Chaos' mobile starts ringing.}

CHAOS: Oh, assburgers! Gimme a sec.

{Chaos picks up the call.}

CHAOS: Badstar is comfortable? That's nice. Is he aware of the deal? ..No? Brilliant.

{Chaos turns the phone off.}

CHAOS: Change of plan. I am to escort you all back to Edgeworthington's Manor, where we will be having a meeting with him. He'll be completely unaware of this meeting until it actually happens however, so you're bound to have some fun.

SEPHIROTH: You tried to kill us, and now you want us to follow you? Are you mad?

CHAOS: let us put this way. You follow me there, and you'll be finding yourself in a much better position. But of course, you are free to carry on threatening me, because I don't mind either way. I'll get to kill somebody sooner or later. Your actions just decide who, exactly. So? What's your input?

{Chaos smirks, and the screen cuts to black.}

END OF EPISODE.