Lex's Wikihood Redux Remake/eps/11

Summary

The team has made it in the right place, at the right time. Everyone except for two go looking for the wisest man in all the universes in the one universe. Meanwhile, a big battle between Chaos and Joseph ensues.

Transcript

{Open in to the Ark flying through a wormhole. The song "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd is playing in the background. Zoom in to show the gang standing at the front of the ship, all decked out in leather gear.}

CHAOS: How much longer is it gonna be?

ZNEX: Well, according to the time code, this universe was one of the first ones to be created. The hundredth one, in fact.

SEPHIROTH: And that universe is mine!

ZNEX: Shut the fuck up, Sephiroth.

SEPHIROTH: But-..

ZNEX: You're out of your element here, Sephiroth. Your universe was the 101st one to be made. Ours was the 630927th to be made. So we have about... a week to go. It's a rough estimate, more or less.

CHAOS: We've only passed two universes so far. ...We're never going to make it, are we?

ZNEX: Chin up, Chaos. It's only a matter of time.

SEPHIROTH: So, what do we do to pass the time?

ZNEX: Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.

SEPHIROTH: What the hell's wrong with Znex, Chaos?

CHAOS: I honestly have no idea.

ZNEX: I knew I shouldn't have left the cuff at home.

{Cut to a montage of the Wikihood Characters bowling. For two whole weeks. By the end, they're half-assing it, obviously bored of bowling.}

SEPHIROTH: Chaos, really. I can't believe you only installed a bowling alley in this big-ass ship. You could've done so much more.

CHAOS: Well I'm sorry, Sephiroth! It's not like it's my ship or anything! How long now, anyway? It's been two weeks.

ZNEX: We're entering it right now as we speak, I believe.

{The Ark flies into a wormhole, and into the new universe.

CHAOS: What planet?

ZNEX: Uh...

{Znex presses a series of buttons.}

ZNEX: Whoa, the whole thing is going kooky. It can only define that the wisest creature of all is in the {has difficulty pronouncing next word} Alrgrckonl system. Whoa, that's a lot of garble.

CHAOS: I loved that place! I bummed around there a long time ago.

{They fly to the system, where there is only 1 big planet. The Ark lands in a docking bay. The characters exit the ship, and are greeted by a strange blue pig-like creature with four extra limbs.}

STRANGE BLUE BEING: {speaks foreign language}

ZNEX: Oh, I forgot to turn on the translator. Hang on.

{Znex presses a series of buttons on his cuff.}

STRANGE BLUE BEING: {in English now} --Yuhronkilsu City, home of the Rthorsnklau. My name is Tfgranopkg, and I shall be your guide. I have never seen such strange beings as you before. From where do you hail?

ZNEX: You wouldn't understand.

TFGARNOPKG: Oh, I wouldn't understand, huh? What makes you say that?

ZNEX: Well, it's because you're-..

TFGARNOPKG: I'm what? Of a different species as you? You think I can't understand what you are?

ZNEX: I didn't mean it like th-...

TFGARNOPKG: No, you totally did, don't bullshit me. I'm too fucking dumb to understand you by the look of things, so how about I just take you where you wanna go so I don't have to look at your ugly faces longer than I would like. Huh? You'd like that? Hmph. So I assume you wanna speak to the High Priest, don't you?

ZNEX: Well, yes, I guess. Is he the wisest?

TFGARNOPKG: Gee, I don't know. I'm just a lowly guide. Why don't you see for yourself?

CHAOS: {To Sephiroth} Jeez, this guy's a moody bitch.

ZNEX: Who is this High Priest, anyway?

TFGARNOPKG: God, are you stupid or something? You come all the way over here, and you don't even know who the High Priest is. The High Priest of Chaos, duh!

CHAOS: Wait, what?

TFGARNOPKG: You heard me. The High Priest of Chaos. He serves Chaos, The God of Life! The one who freed us from the powerful might of Hynukgfop the Destroyer eons ago and made this world suitable for us to live in! He also told us the secret of time travel!

ZNEX: Time travel?

TFGARNOPKG: Yes! However, we could never find the right sort of energy to thrust us all the way to his galaxy, for that's where he left after he had done all this for us! But he promised he would return one day, to thrust us into glory, and give us a much nicer world, which is what we call Paradisea! We have been waiting ever since.

ZNEX: And the High Priest understands all this?

TFGARNOPKG: Yes, of course!

ZNEX: So why haven't you asked him?

TFGARNOPKG: Because fuck you, that's why.

ZNEX: Jeez, okay. Where does he live, anyway?

TFGARNOPKG: Why, in the High Temple of Chaos, of course! However, no one has ever seen it. The Priests of Chaos give the High Priest all our questions, and he answers them with such wisdom and intelligence!

ZNEX: Well that helped a lot. Jackass.

TFGARNOPKG: You shouldn't have insulted me in the first place, you self-righteous asshole. Y'know what? I'm outta here. I don't need to deal with the likes of you dicks.

{Tfgarnopkg flips them the bird and walks off.}

SEPHIROTH: So.. where do we go?

ZNEX: Beats me. Perhaps we should look for one of the priests? They might take us to the High Temple!

SEPHIROTH: Isn't that what we're doing anyway?

ZNEX: Yeah, but..

SEPHIROTH: We have to look for a high priest to take us to a high temple we don't know the whereabouts of, just so we can talk to a high priest. Doesn't that sound a bit redundant to you?

ZNEX: Well, a bit, but..

SEPHIROTH: So wouldn't it just be easier to cut out the middleman and ask that priest instead? I mean.. yeah.

ZNEX: I guess we could do...

CHAOS: IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I WAS HERE LAST. THE FIRST TIME, I WAS A MESSIAH. THEIR GOD.

ZNEX: Can people please stop inter-...

CHAOS: I TRIED TO TELL THEM WRONG, BUT THEY REFUSED TO LISTEN TO REASON.

ZNEX: Just a question, Chaos, but have you ever lost anything?

CHAOS: Other than my virginity?

ZNEX: No, not that. TMI, man. Battles, I mean.

CHAOS: Oh, right. Well, I did lose a lot of them, and I ALMOST lost an important one, it sort of relates to this planet, too. Do you want to hear it?

ZNEX: Yes, please tell.

CHAOS: Well, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

{The screen cuts to a flashback sequence, in a nice sepia tone.}

CHAOS: It was half a million years ago where I first came across this planet. The moment I stepped onto the ground, I was being hailed as a savior and a hero. I didn't even know why at first. I tried to prove them wrong, but they insisted on it and rounded each other up to take me to the castle court. I had realized that I was to be the leader of their revolution. One I had no idea was even happening until I was part of it. A large being, yellow and fat, unable to walk and being supported by a mechanic platform walked out of a doorway with a humanoid girl. You know the hot alien space chicks from Star Trek? Yeah. Green skin and shit? Totally. She had the nicest breasts ever. You know the kind I'm talking about. Not too small, but not too big either? Perky, with a nice amount of cleavage, oh yeah. And that ass, man. It was an ass to die for. I'm not talking about any old ass, I'm talking about THE ass. The ass was fat.

ZNEX: You're diverging, Chaos.

CHAOS: Oh, right. Yeah. Well, at first glance, the King looked at me and scoffed, saying "This is not our calamity". Whatever the hell that meant. I had been thrust into leading a revolution, and quite frankly, I couldn't care less. The people looked well enough to me. But that babe? She had a choice ass. I needed that ass. So I did it. I went up to him and told him that I would be taking his throne and his wife. Apparently he was also a total baby-eating tyrant, so that was a plus too. All of a sudden, he got off of his pedestal and transformed. He was no longer a fat and yellow old man, but a white being, in red, black, and gold clothing. This was his true form. I walked right up to him and challenged him to a rap battle for the kingdom. Turns out that rap music existed before humanity. I laid some of my freshest beats upon his white ass, and he laid some of his upon mine. The rap battle took an entire week, with each of us exchanging mad disses against each other. The resulting funk energy from our rap battle radiated throughout the kingdom, reshaping the landscape completely. They made a new religion out of me and my funky rap beats. Called it "Chaosism". Eventually, I noticed that his raps were starting to lack a bit, and I was just about to go in for the kill. But he returned with the biggest rap burn ever. It tore the palace apart, with the funk energy blasting everyone away to a 40 mile radius. It was just me, him, and the queen at this point. I didn't think I could win. Until she stepped in and delivered her rap. Turns out that his last rap took the energy out of him, and the sudden betrayal of his mistress, along with her awesome beats tore him apart. He turned into a marble statue, and that's what he's been since. The queen thanked me, and I was declared a new funky rap god. But I didn't want to tend to my duties, so I fled with her. The same girl is now the general of my army of funky undead army, "Helbeat". I was much different from before when I returned today.

SEPHIROTH: Mythology is a weird thing.

CHAOS: You're lucky I'm in my human form. If anyone were to see me like I was before, you'd all be in trouble.

ZNEX: How so?

CHAOS: People are naturally over-protective of their gods and religion. They see me, and they might assume you've kidnapped me. They'd probably tear you all limb from limb.

ZNEX: Ah.

{They stop at a skyscraper that looks like it's made of wood. A plaque is nearby, saying "Yuhronkilsu Temple of Chaos".}

ZNEX: Looks like we're here. I didn't even know that we were moving.

SEPHIROTH: We didn't.

{Zoom out to show that the temple was only a few steps away from the landing spot.}

ZNEX: ...Oh.

{They enter. Cut to the interior. It's like a Buddhist temple because why the fuck not. On the wall is a long tapestry that chronicles the great rap off that changed history. There are various wood block prints of the Great Rap Messiah.}

CHAOS: I don't feel too happy stepping foot in here.

ZNEX: Eh, relax! They won't recognize you. Besides, it's just a priest.

{The Wikihood characters enter the temple and find themselves in a lit room, where the ceiling goes up as high as the skyscraper itself. A Rthorsnklau priest is praying at a statue that looks remarkably like Demon Chaos. When they walk in, the priest stands up and walks over.}

PRIEST: Greetings outsiders. Are you here to pray to the great rap god, Chaos?

CHAOS: Umm... Hello. I'm with my companions to-

{Chaos steps on a weird symbol in the floor, and he begins to turn into Demon Chaos.} CHAOS: Uh...

PRIEST: So, I see you've encountered our hologram projector! It makes you look like the god of life, but only temporarily.

{As the priest says it, Chaos goes back to normal.}

PRIEST: Tourists enjoy it very much!

{Cut to a flashback. There are three people who look like Demon Chaos standing near the hologram projector. The priest is standing nearby.}

DEMON CHAOS 1#: {trying to imitate what he thinks Chaos sounds like} Hey there, I'm Chaos, the god of life!

DEMON CHAOS 2#: {trying to imitate what he thinks Chaos sounds like} No you're not, I am! I'm so great that I destroyed some destroyer!

DEMON CHAOS 3#: {trying to imitate what he thinks Chaos sounds like} How ironic! No, I'm the greatest, I left an entire civilization behind, and I'm ignoring everything they say!

{The Demon Chaos' guffaw as they start to change back into cyclopes. The priest grumbles. Cut back.}

CHAOS: Holograms. Right. Cool technology.

ZNEX: Priest of Chaos, would you be able to arrange a meeting with the High Priest and us?

PRIEST: Oh no, he doesn't allow visitors. However, I'd be happy to--

ZNEX: No, we need to see him.

PRIEST: I am sorry, he does not allow visi--

SEPHIROTH: Lemme do this. We need to see him, dude!

PRIEST: {sternly} He does not allow visi--

SEPHIROTH: {shouting} I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. WE NEED TO SEE HIM, AND YOU WILL TAKE US TO HIM OR SO HELP US WE WILL TEAR YOU TO PIECES.

PRIEST: {shouting} IF YOU DO NOT LEAVE NOW, I SHALL CALL UPON CHAOS TO STRIKE YOU DOWN!

SEPHIROTH: {stops shouting} Okay, call upon him. See what he can do. Oh Chaos? Strike us down! Come on!

PRIEST: {still stern} Very well.

{The priest turns to face the statue.}

PRIEST: O mighty Chaos, I call upon you to strike down these heretics where they stand, for they do not deserve to live!

{A bolt of red lightning strikes Sephiroth, knocking him out.}

CHAOS: What the? How did you do that?

{The priest turns.}

PRIEST: It is by the will of Chaos. Now be gone!

{Cut to outside the temple where everyone is sitting. Sephiroth his conscious again, albeit black and smoldering.}

ZNEX: Well, that didn't go well.

CHAOS: How did they do that? Only I'm able to conjure Red Lightning!

ZNEX: Yeah, you're the only one you know who can do it! But for all we know, someone else may have learned how to do it themselves!

CHAOS: But.. it's impossible! I.. argh. I'm going back up there.

{Chaos charges back in and smashes the hologram projector.}

PRIEST: It's you again! Disturbing the sanctity of this place of worship again? And now you've come here and caused damage! I will call upon the worst of fates upon-..

{Chaos rushes in and pins the Priest to the wall by his neck. He begins to yell at him.}

CHAOS: TELL ME HOW YOU CONJURED THAT RED LIGHTNING! TELL ME NOW!

PRIEST: Ack-.. It's the-.. the.. will of Chaos! You.. you would not understand, heretic!

{Chaos lets go of him. The priest falls down and grabs his neck, gasping for air.}

PRIEST: Your violent ways will not go unpunished. Chaos, I call upon you to-..

CHAOS: SHUT THE FUCK UP. IT IS NOT MY WILL.

PRIEST: Of course it's not your will! It's the will of Chaos!

CHAOS: I AM CHAOS.

{Chaos proceeds to transform into his demon form. The priest is taken back by this and proceeds to stare in awe.}

PRIEST: No, it cannot be possible! How can you be Chaos? You must be an impostor!

CHAOS: No. I am the real Chaos.

PRIEST: YOU'RE A HERETIC!

{The priest turns to the statue.}

PRIEST: O MIGHTY CHAOS, STRIKE THIS HERETIC DOWN!

{The lightning descends, but Chaos grabs it and redirects it outside. It ends up hitting Znex this time.}

CHAOS: Believe me NOW?!

{The priest swiftly kneels down at Chaos' feet.}

PRIEST: I...ummm...errr... I do not know how I could not even recognize my god and master. {kneels down} Will you forgive me?

CHAOS: Rise. You are forgiven. I understand. Now, will you take me to the high priest?

PRIEST: Yes! Anything for you, my master!

{The rest walk in, Sephiroth carrying an unconscious Znex.}

SEPHIROTH: Any luck this time?

CHAOS: He knows it. C'mon, let's go. Let's find this man.

PRIEST: Ah, good. Now, this way, if you please.

{The priest walks over to the statue, and walks around to the back, where he pulls the long horn protruding from the statue's head, and it opens, revealing a small space barely big enough for a whole body. They all then crawl through the space into a small shaft.}

PRIEST: Right, here's where we stop. From here, you'll find a small cart. Ride on it through the shaft until you reach the...ahem, "end". Then, all you need to do is find your way through a giant maze--

SEPHIROTH: But shouldn't you come with us? I mean, you know how to get through the maze, don't you?

PRIEST: I do sometimes, but the maze always changes. {climbs back up the space}

SEPHIROTH: Right, let's go through. Ready?

CHAOS: Hmph. Let's take a shortcut.

{Chaos picks everyone up, and uses his wing, jet, arm protrusions and flies through everything, to the end of the maze.}

CHAOS: Done.

SEPHIROTH: Oh.. well, that works too, I guess.

{At the end of the maze is a large door, carved with the likeness of Chaos in his demon form. They go through, only to be thrust through a portal. Cut to the other side of the portal, where the three are on a small but extravagant planet. The group follow Chaos towards a small road just nearby the portal. They then walk along it until they get to the end, which is at a place where a Rthorsnklau is sitting on a picnic mat.}

SEPHIROTH: Uh, hello. Are you the High Priest of Chaos?

RTHORSNKLAU: No, he's on the other side of the planet. I'm just a picnicker.

{The Rthorsnklau picks up a sandwich.}

RTHORSNKLAU: Wanna sandwich?

SEPHIROTH: What kind is it?

RTHORSNKLAU: Peanut butter and jelly.

SEPHIROTH: Eh sure, why not.

{Sephiroth takes the sandwich and proceeds to eat it.}

SEPHIROTH: Thanks sir!

RTHORSNKLAU: Any time.