It's Zippy's Show/3

Overview

"Quit it."

It's Zippy's Show #3: moose

Monroe heads to Vermont for the weekend and finds a visitor in his campsite. Eventually, this unwanted guest follows him home. The problem is, he needs somewhere to keep it, and it turns out Zippy's the one person with enough space. Can Zippy keep this wild moose contained?

Credit to the plot goes to good friend Shamble Sides.

CAST: {in order of appearance} Zippy, Monroe, Kooky, a moose, Ranger 1 and 2

PLACES: Anchovy's Pizzarama, Monroe's Campsite (Campsite), a trail (flashback), Monroe's Campsite (Docks), Monroe's Campsite (Trail), inside Monroe's camper, Monroe's House Exterior, Zippy's House (Living Room), Zippy's Backyard/Ziplandia, Monroe's House (Living Room), Vermont Fish and Wildlife HQ (partial), Zippy's House Exterior

LINES: 232

Transcript

{Open: the Pizzarama. Zippy, Monroe and Kooky are sitting at a table, eating some pizza.}

ZIPPY: ... so, where are you headed {chews} anyhow, Monroe?

MONROE: I'm headed up to Vermont! I've got a campsite up there, and I visit it every summer!

ZIPPY: But, like... there's nothing in Vermont.

MONROE: Not true, not true-

ZIPPY: {interjecting} Name one thing Vermont has that New Hampshire doesn't.

{Monroe ponders.}

MONROE: Maple syrup?

ZIPPY: Nope. We've got that too.

MONROE: Bears?

ZIPPY: Nope. And I should know.

MONROE: Uh... t-trees?

ZIPPY: Nope.

{Monroe sighs.}

MONROE: ... Well. I guess you're right.

ZIPPY: See? ... I've got this theory that Vermont is actually, like, Bizzaro-New Hampshire.

MONROE: ... Wh-what?

ZIPPY: Like, it's New Hampshire... but upside down. You catch my drift?

MONROE: ... Oh! Oh, I see! Yeah, it kinda is like that.

ZIPPY: And you know what else? I don't think anybody really lives there, you know? I think it's staffed. Like... each day, they rotate it. So, like, it looks like people are living there, but they're not, you know?

{Pan over, while Zippy is talking. Kooky is just holding his head in his hands.}

KOOKY: I... I wish I was dead.

{Pan back.}

MONROE: Well, uh... I'm still going. It's probably gonna be a week or so until I get back.

ZIPPY: Ah, really? Well, when are you leaving?

MONROE: I'm packing my bags when I get home, actually!

ZIPPY: Huh. Well, have a good time in {dramatically} Bizarro-Hampshire!

KOOKY: {offscreen} Somebody hand me a gun.

{Cut: a campsite. Monroe's car pulls up to it and he gets out.}

MONROE: {takes a deep whiff of the air} Aah! Nothing like the scent of trees, dirt, and water. Smells just like my childhood!

{Flash back to Monroe as a child, hiking with his father. Monroe is hopping on rocks and humming a tune.}

MONROE: I love hiking, papa! Don't you?

MR. MALLARD: {chuckles} Well, son, of course I do! It lets you get close to nature... so close... you can taste it.

{A fly zooms into Monroe's mouth. He suddenly starts hacking and sputtering, in a panic. Without even looking, Mr. Mallard takes his walking stick and whacks Monroe in the stomach. The fly flies out of Monroe's mouth.}

MONROE: Wow... you're good, papa!

MR. MALLARD: Don't mention it, Monroe! Now, you wanna go see some otters?

MONROE: {excited} Otters eat clams!

{The two walk off the screen.}

MR. MALLARD: {offscreen} Looks like you learned a lot in school!

{End flashback. Monroe is sitting on a dock with a dreamy look in his eyes. He snaps out of it when he notices sunfish eating at his foot.}

MONROE: Yeowch!

{Cut to Monroe walking through the woods, hopping on rocks and humming a tune. Suddenly, he falls down flat on his face. He lifts his head up to see himself staring a snake in the face.}

MONROE: {quietly} Eek!

{The snake hisses at Monroe and bares its fangs. Monroe quickly backs off (while still on the ground). The snake closes its maw and slithers off.}

MONROE: ... Yikes.

{Cut to Monroe fishing on the docks. He takes a mussel from in the water, cracks it open, puts it on his hook, and casts the line. Suddenly, he gets a bite. He reels in his line to see an otter dangling from the line. The hook is caught through the otter's teeth.}

MONROE: Wow. They must really like those.

{Monroe unhooks the otter and tosses him back in the water. Once in the water, the otter shakes its paw at Monroe and dives below.}

{Cut to Monroe in front of a campfire, cooking hot dogs. Monroe hums while roasting a hot dog. Once it's done, he reaches for his hot dog buns. He takes a bun out, but before he can get the hot dog in it, something snatches it out of his hands. Monroe looks at his bare hand, shrugs, and grabs another one. The same thing happens. Monroe grabs another one. This continues until he's out of hot dog buns. Monroe growls and stands up.}

MONROE: {yelling} Alright! Who's doing that?

{Monroe turns around, still angry, but when he looks at what's behind him, he quickly retreats, his back to a tree. Pan around to show a moose staring him in the face. Some crumbs fall from the moose's mouth.}

MONROE: {yelping} WOAH! ... {shakily} H-hello, Mr. M-m-m-moose! H-h-how are you?

{The moose walks up to Monroe and starts sniffing him. Monroe quietly shrieks as the moose licks him in the face. The moose then snorts and ambles back off into the forest.}

MONROE: ... Wh-what the...

{Monroe runs into his camper.}

{Cross cut to the next day. Same shot of the campsite, but the day has come and the fire is out. Monroe walks out of his camper, yawning. He looks at the fire pit and finds his hot dogs eaten. He sighs and walks back into his camper. Suddenly, from behind, the moose from earlier sticks his nose into the camper. Monroe shrieks and falls on his stomach. He gets up and turns around.}

MONROE: {panicky} What- who is i- {annoyed} Oh. It's you.

{The moose grunts.}

MONROE: Look, moose... I don't want you licking my face and stuff. So please, leave me alone.

{The moose grunts once more and backs out of the camper door. Monroe sighs and lays down on his couch-bed. Suddenly, the moose's head breaks through a mesh window in the camper. The moose grunts.}

MONROE: {screams} Jeez!

{Cut to Monroe sitting on the dock. The moose is in the water up to its knees, sucking on Monroe's hand.}

MONROE: Quit it.

{The moose grunts.}

MONROE: Please quit it?

{The moose grunts.}

MONROE: Pretty pretty please let g- OW! Teeth, teeth!

{The moose lets go of Monroe's hand and starts drinking some water.}

MONROE: {holds up hand} Eurgh. Moose slobber.

{Cut to Monroe walking down a path. The moose is following him. Monroe sighs and turns around.}

MONROE: Moose, come on! Quit following me!

{The moose nudges Monroe with his nose.}

MONROE: It's... it's nothing personal, moose. But... you destroyed my camper and now there's a bunch of mosquitoes in there.

{The moose grunts.}

MONROE: Anyhow, I need to leave tomorrow, so I suggest you stay here. Got it?

{The moose grunts and licks Monroe's back. Monroe shivers.}

MONROE: That... that's gross.

{Cut to the campsite, the next day. Monroe is packing up his stuff and moving it into the car. He lugs the last suitcase into the car and closes the trunk. He hops into the car and behind the steering wheel.}

MONROE: Goodbye, Vermont! Maybe some day I will return... Ah, heck. I've been saying that for all my life now.

{Monroe starts the car and drives off.}

{Cut to Monroe's house in Anytown. Monroe pulls up into the driveway and gets out. He stretches and breathes in deep.}

MONROE: Man! It's good to be home!

{Monroe walks up to the front door. He suddenly hears a grunting noise.}

MONROE: ... {wary} What was that?

{Monroe's car shakes. Monroe walks over to the car and near the trunk. He takes his key and unlocks the trunk very carefully. He quickly takes his arm away from the trunk. Suddenly, the moose's head pops out from the trunk.}

MONROE: {yelling} WHAT THE

{Cut to Zippy's living room. Zippy and Monroe are sitting on his couch. In the background, the moose can be seen standing in Zippy's kitchen.}

MONROE: ... so that's why I've got a moose in here.

ZIPPY: {bewildered} And it fit in the trunk of your dinky little hatchback?

MONROE: Yeah, somehow.

ZIPPY: ... Yeah, so... {confused} Any reason why you brought it to my house?

MONROE: Yeah, actually. You see, I haven't got any room at all at my house, so I can't keep this moose there.

ZIPPY: Why would you want to keep the moose, anyhow? That thing's like a big ugly deer!

{The sound of ceramic breaking is heard from the kitchen.}

ZIPPY: Oh, son of a- I'm not picking that up. That moose better know how to use a broom.

MONROE: So, anyhow, you've got a pretty big backyard, right? Just enough room for a moose to trod around in, right?

ZIPPY: Yeah, I guess. I've got quite a few acres, if I do say so myself.

MONROE: So... you can keep him with you?

ZIPPY: As long as you call Vermont Fish and Game. I'm not keeping him here forever, you know.

MONROE: {happy} Will do, pal!

ZIPPY: Yeah, yeah, whatever. {gets up} I'm gonna give that moose a broom and see if he can clean it up. Or eat it. Either or, I'd be slightly amused.

{Cut to later. Zippy is in his backyard with the moose.}

ZIPPY: Alright, moose! As your temporary keeper, I'm to show you around the glorious kingdom of Ziplandia.

{The moose grunts.}

ZIPPY: Ah! Curious, are you? Well, let me give you a tour.

{Zippy guides the moose over to a pile of rocks, superglued together.}

ZIPPY: This is the cornerstone of Ziplandia, a monument to our glorious founder, Sir Zippy Parker Platypus himself!

{The moose ambles over to the pile and starts licking it. Zippy runs over to it and tries pushing it away.}

ZIPPY: No, moose! Don't lick that! That is a highly-revered monument!

{The moose stops licking. Zippy sighs and guides it over to the hammer in the middle of the field.}

ZIPPY: This is one of our great symbols... the Feldhammer! A representation of the hard working spirit of Ziplandia, an-

{Zippy looks over to see the moose wading in the lake in the middle of the field.}

ZIPPY: And you've found the great Lake Emerson, one of Ziplandia's great landmarks! ... Aaaaaand you're peeing in it. Great.

{Zippy walks up to the lake house.}

ZIPPY: And this... this is the ambassador's suite! This is for my... royal guests. Like, just last week, an ambassador from Mitchnya made his presence here! ... Granted, it was a hornet, but still.

{The moose walks out of the lake and into the lake house.}

ZIPPY: ... You're pooping in the ambassador's suite. Please... please stop that.

{The moose grunts.}

ZIPPY: Ew. Ew.

{Cut to a large shrub in the back of Zippy's back yard.}

ZIPPY: Finally we have one of Ziplandia's greatest mysteries... the Shrubbery. What could be behind here? Nobody knows... and nobody will know!

{The moose sticks his face in the shrub. Zippy quickly pulls him out by the antlers.}

ZIPPY: Hey! Those are national secrets and they cannot be divulged!

{The moose grunts.}

ZIPPY: Anyhow... I've shown you all I can. Make this your home for now, moose... for you'll be leaving soon.

{Cut to Monroe's house. Monroe is on the couch, on the phone.}

MONROE: Hello? Vermont Fish and Wildlife?

{The screen splits. On the other end, a raccoon in uniform is sitting at a desk, on the telephone.}

RANGER: This is them. What's yer problem, bud?

MONROE: I've got a moose.

RANGER: Don't worry, pal, it'll leave your property soon enough.

MONROE: No, no... I don't live in Vermont. This thing followed me back home from Vermont and now it's at my friend's house in New Hampshire.

RANGER: ... Oh. Well, yikes. How'd it get there without you noticing, bud?

MONROE: It was, uh... in the trunk.

RANGER: Well, then! Listen, guy, we'll send some guys down there to... where?

MONROE: Anytown, New Hampshire.

RANGER: Alright, we'll send a couple guys down there. Take care, 'kay?

MONROE: Will do.

{Monroe hangs up. The screen returns to a full view of Monroe's room.}

MONROE: Here's hoping they get here in time...

{Cut to Zippy sitting in his bedroom, at his computer.}

ZIPPY: {typing} In short, Louisville, I could probably run for about 2 miles before I got tired. Yours truly, Zippy P.

{Zippy turns around and knocks right into the moose's face.}

ZIPPY: Augh! Face full of moose snot!

{The moose grunts and starts chewing on Zippy's bandanna.}

ZIPPY: Hey. Hey! Hey! No chewing the bandanna! That's my style, you dig?

{Zippy tries taking it out of the moose's mouth, but the moose rips it off of Zippy's neck and begins eating it.}

ZIPPY: Awwwwwwwww, come on!

{Cut to Monroe's house. A van is in front of it. Monroe is talking to a couple of raccoons.}

MONROE: Yeah, it's like, ten feet tall I think.

RANGER 1: Yeah, that sounds like a moose.

RANGER 2: They call 'em "elk" in Scandanavia!

RANGER 1: {to Ranger 2} Heh! Funny little guys over there, eh?

RANGER 2: Yeah, heh! {to Monroe} So where's he being held?

MONROE: Just down the street. You can't miss his house.

RANGER 1: And why'd that be, bud?

MONROE: His is the one that looks like a dirt hut with a red roof.

RANGER 1: Oh, alright. Sounds easy enough.

{The two rangers get in their van and drive off. Cut to a view of inside the van. The two raccoons are talking to eachother.}

RANGER 2: I swear, pal, in all my years as a ranger, I've never seen a moose follow some fella home!

RANGER 1: Shoot, me too! That moose must've liked that green duck somethin' fierce!

RANGER 2: Whaddya know... a moose follows a guy all the way back home. Across state lines, even!

RANGER 1: Yeah, what a hoot! ... Say, I think I see the house over there!

{The rangers' van pulls up to Zippy's house. The two get out and knock on the door.}

ZIPPY: {from inside, yelling} Uhh... give me a second! {yells} I hate you, moose!

RANGER 2: {yelling to Zippy} Well, d'ya mind opening up? We're from Fish and Wildlife, so-

ZIPPY: {from inside} You're going to have to wait! This moose really loves the taste of my sneakers!

{Timeswipe to about two hours later. Zippy opens the door to see the rangers still standing there. Zippy is wearing a lobster bib and an oven mitt over one of his feet.}

ZIPPY: Wow... are you still here?

RANGER 1: Fer sure!

ZIPPY: You could have... you could have let yourself in, you know.

RANGER 1: Well there's no sense in being impolite, is there, pal?

ZIPPY: {groans} Just... just come in and get this moose out of here.

{The rangers walk inside. The place is a wreck and most of the furniture has either been tipped over or slobbered on (or both).}

RANGER 1: Wowsers... what happened here?

ZIPPY: Oh, just my ambassador from the west, that's all.

RANGER 2: Heh... what happened here!

{The rangers glance at Zippy's makeshift garb.}

ZIPPY: Oh... oh, this? Oh, well, Mr. Moose was a bit peckish and fancied my bandanna. He downed that, of course, with a little sneaker au foot funque.

RANGER 2: Yeah, moose aren't very picky when it comes to food, ya know?

RANGER 1: So where's the bugger at?

ZIPPY: Check the kitchen. He's probably helped himself to my food.

RANGER 2: Alrighty, then!

{The two rangers walk into the kitchen. Fighting noises are heard from offscreen as Zippy watches in awe. Seconds later, the two rangers are holding the moose on a leash. The moose looks drowsy.}

RANGER 2: Well, he had a bit of fight in him, he did!

RANGER 1: Nothin' too bad, of course! We got him down with a little bit of sedative and some good old Vermont one-two one-two... if you catch my drift!

ZIPPY: {quickly} Consider it caught, but seriously... {normal} can you get it out of here, now?

RANGER 1: Sure thing, guy!

{Cut to outside Zippy's house. The moose is being loaded into the van. Monroe and Zippy are talking to the two rangers.}

ZIPPY: I can't thank you enough, guys. No, really!

MONROE: Yeah... I didn't want to be stuck with a moose for the rest of my life.

RANGER 1: Yeah, no, not a problem. {to Ranger 2} You got him, pal?

RANGER 2: Loaded and ready to get back home!

{The two rangers hop in their van.}

RANGER 2: See ya, boys!

{The van starts to drive off. Cut to an inside view of the back of the van. The moose can see outside of the van. He puts his hoof on the window as the song "I Will Wait For You" by Connie Francis starts playing. A single tear drops from his eye.}

{End episode.}