It's Zippy's Show/2

Overview

It's Zippy's Show #2: varmints

Zippy and his neighbors are overrun by a mystery creature that's ruining their yards with trash, uprooting plants, and causing overall mayhem. Enraged at the creature, Zippy becomes a brooding hunter, BB gun in one hand and brewski in the other. Will Zippy get his white whale, or will his prey knock some sense into him... the hard way?

CAST: {in order of appearance} Zippy, guy on TV, Kooky, Mitch, a bear, a lion, a referee

PLACES: Zippy's House (Living Room), Zippy's House Exterior, Kooky's House Exterior, Mitch's House Exterior, an arena

LINES: 158

Transcript

{Open: Zippy's living room. Zippy is lying on the couch, sleeping. A blanket covers most of his bottom half. There is a shoe on the floor -- the foot that it once covered is now cozily resting in a pretzel bag. A couple cans of Duedbrue are littered on the ground. A streak of drool is hanging tenaciously from Zippy's mouth. The TV is blaring infomercials, advertising some sort of cloth. A fly buzzes over and lands in Zippy's mouth. Zippy closes his mouth, and is suddenly woken up by the intruder inside.}

ZIPPY: {drowsily} Whu-buh... I... aah... aah!

{Zippy bolts up and begins coughing and hacking. Eventually, the fly flies out of his mouth as Zippy pants.}

ZIPPY: Oh, nasty! Eugh, I can't believe- augh!

{Zippy wipes the drool from his mouth and takes the pretzel bag from off of his foot. He slips his shoe back on. He sits back down on the couch and changes the channel to some comedy channel.}

GUY: {on TV} Daaaaaaad!

ZIPPY: {tired} Heh... he's angry at his dad!

{Zippy sighs. Suddenly, from outside, Zippy hears something clang and rattle as it crashes to the ground.}

ZIPPY: What the-

{Zippy gets up and walks outside. He looks at his driveway to see trash strewn all over the lawn.}

ZIPPY: ... Oh, come on! What the heck- it's trash day, even!

{Zippy walks over to the garbage and kicks a can into the street. It rolls over into Kooky's lawn, where a turret emerges from under the grass and vaporizes the junk.}

ZIPPY: Woah!

{Kooky opens his front door.}

KOOKY: Wuh... oh! Hey, Zip! How's it going?

{Kooky looks at the garbage and grimaces slightly.}

KOOKY: Ecch... you know, Zip, you usually put them in bags-

ZIPPY: You don't think I know that? It was some... some thing that did this!

KOOKY: What, like a bandicoot or something?

ZIPPY: ... A what? No, like- like a raccoon, maybe!

KOOKY: Hm... well, I guess that's normal. No reason to be angry, Zip -- just pick it back up, right?

ZIPPY: Yeah, I could do that... but you never know -- it could come back at any time and knock over garbage again!

KOOKY: You've got a point. ... Tell you what, I'll take a look sometime and see if I can get a shot of him in action. This house is riddled with security cameras, you know!

{A camera pops out of a bush and snaps a picture of Kooky.}

KOOKY: See?

ZIPPY: ... Mmh. Whatever you do, I just want that thing outta here!

{Cut to later that night. Zippy is watching TV, as usual. He takes a sip of his beer. Kooky walks in.}

ZIPPY: Hey, Kooky.

KOOKY: Hey, Zip!

ZIPPY: So, did you get a picture of that creature?

KOOKY: Yeah, that's the thing... I haven't quite got any evidence of it, but... well, something did happen last night.

ZIPPY: Really, now?

KOOKY: Yeah, you might want to... plug your ea-

MITCH: {offscreen} AAAAAAAAARGH!

KOOKY: ... Yep. There he goes.

ZIPPY: Oh, no! Mitch!

{Zippy quickly runs over to Mitch's house. Mitch is hunched over, crying.}

ZIPPY: {worriedly} Hey, Mitch... what's wrong?

MITCH: {sobbing} My... my zinnias!

ZIPPY: Oh, God are they alr- {confused} wait what?

MITCH: Ohhh... they were so young... {sniffles} so young!

ZIPPY: ... Somebody stomped on your plants?

{Mitch turns around and stares daggers at Zippy.}

MITCH: {furious} You shut your mouth. Those zinnias weren't trampled... they were cut to ribbons!

ZIPPY: What? What do you mean, "cut to ribbons"?

{Mitch gets up and gestures to the plot of dirt he was hunching over. In the dirt are several plants, shredded and dead.}

ZIPPY: {shocked} Augh! Oh, oh God -- yikes!

MITCH: Whoever did this will pay dearly... {shakes fist} They'll pay with their lives!

{Mitch runs into his house, weeping.}

KOOKY: That man loves his plants.

ZIPPY: This just raises even more questions... what kind of creature would knock over trash cans and tear up plants? It just doesn't make sense! WHY DOESN'T IT MAKE SENSE DANGIT

KOOKY: I don't know... I just don't know. Maybe I'll get a picture tonight. I'm gonna head back home, Zip.

ZIPPY: {pondering} Alright, then.

{Kooky walks off.}

ZIPPY: {to himself} I will capture you, creature.

{Zippy walks over to his house and inside. He walks to a closet in the living room and takes out a long box.}

ZIPPY: {quietly} I've waited for some time now... but now it's your time to shine, Daisy.

{Zippy opens the box, revealing an air rifle. He takes it out and cocks it.}

ZIPPY: Let's do this.

{Cut to later that night. Zippy is sitting on a chair on his lawn. He has his rifle in one hand and a Duedbrue in the other. He takes a sip of his beer. Kooky walks over while he does so.}

KOOKY: Hey, Zi-

ZIPPY: {startled} BWARGH!

{Zippy, in his confusion, grabs the gun and points it at Kooky.}

KOOKY: {frightened} Woah! Zip, what the heck?

ZIPPY: I- I- {calming down} Sorry. Don't sneak up on me like that, man!

KOOKY: Well what the heck are you doing here with a gun?

ZIPPY: I've been here for about three hours now, give or take. I've got the TV running in the living room so at least I've got that. Unfortunately, it's an all-day Friends marathon and God I cannot stand that show-

KOOKY: No, no, no... why do you have a gun?

ZIPPY: Oh, that? Oh, it's just for hunting down that creature. Take a look over there! {points to garbage can}

KOOKY: ... So?

ZIPPY: Inside that is a bounty of old food scraps and used tissues and stuff. That creature can't resist the smell of junk!

KOOKY: So that's what's been making that smell.

ZIPPY: Anyhow, I'm gonna need you to scoot, now -- that critter's not gonna come unless all is right.

KOOKY: Aw, heck, now you're calling it a critter? Zip, I assure you, that's not the case.

ZIPPY: Really, now?

KOOKY: Yeah, I came over here to show you something.

{Kooky takes out some pictures from who-knows-where. He gives them to Zippy.}

ZIPPY: So, what are these?

KOOKY: Pictures I recieved last night. They're of the creature... I think.

{Zippy looks at the pictures. On them are one black mass, indistinguishable from anything living.}

KOOKY: Sadly, it was late at night, and I couldn't get much... but at least now we have an idea of what it is.

ZIPPY: ... The smog monster from Lost?

KOOKY: Maybe it's a smog monster, maybe it's a raccoon... whatever it is, it's out there, so we've at least got evidence of something living.

ZIPPY: Oh, it's not gonna be living much after I'm done with it!

KOOKY: ... R-right. You can do that. I've gotta go home, now -- something busted my camera last night, and I've gotta fix it...

{Kooky walks off. Zippy grabs his beer again and takes another sip.}

ZIPPY: I'll show him.

{Cut to late that night. Zippy is nodding off to sleep, still in his chair, still holding the rifle. He forces himself to stay awake, hard as it is.}

ZIPPY: {drowsily} Alright, critter... you- you come on out! I'm gonna... I'm gonna throw you out of my... my place?

{Suddenly, Zippy hears a clanging noise.}

ZIPPY: What the-

{Zippy's eyes fly open as he sees a massive, hulking, black bear rummaging through his garbage.}

ZIPPY: ... Uh... h-h-hi.

{The bear turns to face Zippy. It walks up toward Zippy and sniffs him.}

ZIPPY: {frightened} Do I... do I smell good?

{The bear licks Zippy and starts to amble off.}

ZIPPY: ... Wait a minute- {furiously} You're not getting away!

{Zippy takes the rifle and shoots a pellet at the bear's rump. The bear suddenly turns around and growls.}

ZIPPY: {triumphantly} Yes! The creature has been subdued, and- oh. Uh-oh.

{The bear leaps at Zippy and pins him to the ground. The bear is now right in Zippy's face, snarling as spit drips down from his mouth.}

ZIPPY: {scared for dear life} Hey, uh... c-c-can we settle this like m-m-men?

{The bear roars as it nears closer to Zippy's face. Zippy tries nearing himself from the bear's maw, but doesn't do too well at it.}

ZIPPY: L-l-l-listen, there was alcohol involved- my trash- uh, it's nothing personal-

{The bear glares daggers at Zippy. Suddenly, his eyes roll back into his head as he collapses on top of Zippy.}

ZIPPY: {wind knocked out of him} Woof! Ow, that's- that's really heavy!

{Kooky walks from behind the bear, holding what looks like a tazer.}

ZIPPY: H-hey, Kooky!

KOOKY: Zip, you alright?

ZIPPY: Being crushed to death by a massive beast, but hey, what's new?

{Kooky musters up all his strength and rolls the bear off of Zippy. Zippy gets up and brushes the bear hair off of him.}

ZIPPY: Whew... heh, thanks, Kooky!

KOOKY: Not a problem, Zip. I heard you screaming and I knew you were being assaulted by an animal twice your size, so I brought this! {holds up gun}

ZIPPY: So... is it dead?

{Pan over to show the bear snoring.}

KOOKY: {offscreen} No, just tranquilized. This baby injects the target with enough diazepam to take down a- well, I guess you can tell.

{Pan back.}

ZIPPY: I can't thank you enough, man... but there's just one question.

KOOKY: Hm?

ZIPPY: What do we do with the bear?

KOOKY: Well, I don't know... do we release it in the wild?

ZIPPY: {thinking} Nah... I've got a better idea.

{Cut to the bear in a boxing ring, wearing boxing gloves and trunks. Zippy is outside the ring.}

ZIPPY: Go get 'em, kiddo!

{The bear grunts as the bell sounds. He walks to the center of the ring, where there is a lion with boxing gloves on. A referee walks into the center as well.}

REFEREE: Alright, boys! No hitting below the belt, and no funny business, you hear?

{The bear punches the ref and the two beasts begin going at it. Pan over to Zippy and Kooky at the ringside.}

ZIPPY: What can I say? People pay big money to see animals duke it out!

KOOKY: {sighs} Fish and Game probably would have-

ZIPPY: NO SHUT UP shut up my idea rules.

{End episode.}