(even if you aren't vegan)

In Which Drago Gets Rewritten Outside Wikihood for His Own Benefit

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Prototypal re-introduction of villain character Lex created. If prototype is rejected, I can reserve this for Garion!Wikihood and shrug nonchalantly.


{Cut to Drago in a limousine.}

DRAGO: Ah, yes. Today is a momentous day.

{Drago takes out a wanted poster for Noxigar Bellinski.}

DRAGO: The bounty on this guy, it's juicy. With the money from it, I shall be able to entertain Princess Celia, and possibly court her!

{Drago sighs.}

DRAGO: She's so dead set on marrying her childhood friend, Prince Leotheras. He shortens his own name to Leo, for whatever reason. It bothers me that he's got a lion fursona, let alone has a fursona at all!

{Drago gets out a blunt, and lights it. He smokes the blunt.}

DRAGO: When I have control of the Lavosian economy, then Celia will have no choice but to dump that furry fuck and marry me-

{The limousine stops, which ends up accidentally putting out Drago's blunt and causes him to hit the wall separating him from the front row.}

LEFTY: We are at the rendezvous pointe your buddy DuFour mentioned, sir!

{Drago gets up, and brushes himself off.}

DRAGO: Thank you, Lefty. I know I can rely on your driving skills, in lieu of that ruffian Tobias.

LEFTY: As a High Elf, I must take it as a compliment to be superior to a human supremacist.

DRAGO: Damn right, I'm complimenting you!

{Drago and a raven-haired High Elf depart from the limousine, which is parked outside of an odd-looking tavern.}

LEFTY: We're in a tavern in Phoenixshire. The target of our bounty hunt is said to be a top patron.

DRAGO: Then he will stick out like a sore thumb! Then, once I mount Noxigar's head on my wall, I will have the Lavosian economy in my hands-

{Lefty lifts a finger from his left hand and magically silences Drago, who doesn't notice and has his mouth continue talking.}

LEFTY: Mister Drago, we need to be covert.

{Drago finally notices, shuts the actual fuck up, and nods. Then, both Drago and Lefty get out some guns, holster them in their respective pockets, and enter the tavern under the assumed guise of civilian patrons.}

LEFTY: For once, let me do the talking.

{Drago nods. Lefty ends the silence spell, allowing Drago to breathe an audible sigh of relief.}

GIUSEPPE: Bongiorno.

LEFTY: We'd like a table for two at this high-end bar.

GIUSEPPE: We shall have it ready for you within five minutes. We seem to be having an oddly slow day today.

LEFTY: We hope to make the day more pleasant for you.

{Giuseppe and Lefty smile at each other; Giuseppe walks offscreen.}

DRAGO: {whispering} Five minutes?!

LEFTY: {whispering} Dude, calm your tits. I talked to the bar about our reservation and implied I wanted to come at a more relaxing time.

DRAGO: {whispering} Where's the spectacle?! The audience?! How are they to know we're the best bounty hunters in the world?!

LEFTY: {whispering} We are the best, but you also leave an absurd amount of collateral damage. I already paid the establishment so it would just be us and our target.

DRAGO: {whispering} And how are we to know if Noxigar brought any of his friends-

LEFTY: {whispering} Noxigar and his "Dearly Beloved" physically separated after their space pirate days, and he hasn't kept in good contact with her or anybody else in a long time.

{Short pause.}

DRAGO: {whispering} Can I stop whispering?

{Lefty shrugs. Before Drago can say anything, Giuseppe arrives.}

GIUSEPPE: Your table is ready, Signores.

{Giuseppe escorts Drago and Lefty to a table, coincidentally giving them a good vantage point of the surrounding area.}

GIUSEPPE: Are you guys in the mood for anything to drink?

DRAGO: I'll have a bottle of your most expensive wine!

{Lefty facepalms.}

LEFTY: I'll... take a Jolt Cola.

{Giuseppe chuckles.}

GIUSEPPE: I can arrange that. Would you like a wine menu, perchance?

DRAGO: Sure thing!

{Giuseppe bows, gives some food menus to Lefty and Drago, then walks offscreen again.}

DRAGO: Lefty, you magnificent genius!

{Lefty smirks.}

DRAGO: Now we can have some time to look for our-

{Drago and Lefty both lean forward to scout the area. They see Noxigar, a floor below, mixing drinks.}

NOXIGAR: It's been a while since I last made an Ichiruki. I last just mixed vodka and orange soda together, but... maybe with some sweetened iced tea...

{Noxigar gets some iced tea and mixes some drinks. Cut back to Drago and Lefty.}

DRAGO: {whispering} We totally got the drop on this guy.

{Both Drago and Lefty look around, then they jump from a balcony towards the same floor as Noxigar. The noise both of them make upon impact with the ground not only alerts Noxigar, but causes him to spill his concoction.}

NOXIGAR: Xemnas damn it. Well, that's an Ichiruki gone to waste-

{Noxigar turns around, and sees Drago and Lefty have drawn their guns.}

DRAGO: Rue dies, motherfucker!

{Noxigar blinks.}

NOXIGAR: I know that.

{Noxigar lifts his gloved hands, and draws out two crimson energy-swords from "the void." Before he can actually grip the swords, however, Lefty shoots at Noxigar's gloved hands. A bullet wedges itself on Noxigar's left palm, rendering him unable to comfortably grab one of the energy swords. Noxigar's eyes glow gold.}

NOXIGAR: I remember you... you're part of Stephanie Young's Rogues Gallery, aren't you?!

{Noxigar winces as he grabs the energy swords. Lefty shoots at Noxigar's hands, as if to disarm him, but all it does is cause the energy swords to be grabbed awkwardly.}

LEFTY: Take him now, Drago!

{Drago draws a large gun-like weapon.}

NOXIGAR: Protean

{Noxigar tries to transform into a mist cloud. Drago shoots a ball of flame from the gun-like weapon, which negates the mist cloud shapeshifting entirely, and sets Noxigar on fire.}

LEFTY: Good work, Drago! I knew the Fireball Launcher would come in handy-

{Noxigar tackledives Lefty out a window, which alerts Drago. Noxigar begins punching Lefty repeatedly in the face, while Drago tries shooting another ball of flame from the gun. Lefty's right hand winds up getting hit by the fireball, which sends a shadow bolt into Noxigar's back.}

DRAGO: Eat Shadowfire Bolt, motherfu-


{Noxigar beats Lefty unconscious, then chucks the High Elf's body at Drago. Lefty and Drago collide with each other, which causes the latter to drop his Fireball Launcher.}

NOXIGAR: I am now in extreme excruciating pain, but dealing with you-

{Drago takes out a pistol and shoots one of Noxigar's kneecaps.}


{Noxigar's eyes glow cyan, as he looks into Drago's eyes. Drago fearfully keeps shooting at Noxigar, who slowly but surely proceeds to move towards Drago.}

NOXIGAR: I get it now, you just want to be famous enough to have Lavosia in the palm of your hands.

{Noxigar grips Drago by his sleeves. Drago puts his pistol on Noxigar's stomach, and tries to shoot. Nothing comes out. Drago hits Noxigar with the butt of the pistol, hitting him in the forehead.}

NOXIGAR: Praestantia

{Noxigar freezes, as if constrained by time, for a few seconds. Drago looks around, then sees that Noxigar has now just moved over to on top of a balcony, with both crimson energy swords in hand as he jumps at Drago.}

DRAGO: are you this strong?

{Drago ducks and rolls away from being hit by Noxigar jumping down. The energy swords are wedged into the ground, much to Noxigar's chagrin. Drago gets out the Fireball Launcher, and tries to shoot a third Fireball. All it does is destroy the energy swords, much to their owner's horror.}

NOXIGAR: bastard.

DRAGO: What, were those swords important to you? They're just weapons!

{Noxigar shakes his head.}

NOXIGAR: I was given those energy swords by a friend close to me.

DRAGO: You should've taken better care of them-

NOXIGAR: Celerity

{Noxigar moves as if he was "warping" from one place to another, at speeds Drago is not capable of estimating. Drago tries shooting a fourth Fireball, which winds up colliding with the bartop itself.}

DRAGO: {terrified} Oh shit-

{Zoom out to reveal that the entire restaurant/bar exploded in a gigantic blaze of fire. End.}