(even if you aren't vegan)

In Which Deathbringer Gets Rewritten Outside Wikihood for His Own Benefit

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{Cue an edgymancer playing Dota 2 in Garfield's house, dismayed}

DEATHBRINGER: I can't believe that I got named after a freakin' Warcraft III mod's hero. What is this malarky?!

GARFIELD: For what it's worth, you're not much of a venomancer so much as a... edgymancer.

{Garfield turns to his right}

GARFIELD: The crap's an edgymancer?

DEATHBRINGER: Man, I miss Aruseus. Almost as much as I miss this creep score.

{Garfield frowns}

GARFIELD: You've been on that game for gods knows how long.

DEATHBRINGER: You guys have neglected me for about as much. Where's Noxigar, anyways?

GARFIELD: I am Noxigar. At least, the second one.

DEATHBRINGER: Oh, fine. Where's Noxigar Prime?

GARFIELD: Permanent sabbatical.

{Deathbringer stops cold, then turns around to Garfield.}


GARFIELD: Not dead, you idiot. He can't die, let alone be banished to the Shadow Realm.

DEATHBRINGER: Then, I can finally become the King of Hearts via civil union?

GARFIELD: Fuck, no. You're going to go all James Bond villain and get yourself hurt... or beefed up, in your case.

DEATHBRINGER: The only reason I got beefed up was because the idea of positive energy hurting me never occurred to anyone.

GARFIELD: Most universes don't have negative and positive energy effects swapped. It wouldn't have occurred to anyone to do anything other than leave you alone.

DEATHBRINGER: Oh, phooey. And after that...

{Deathbringer gives Garfield a middle finger.}

GARFIELD: This doesn't change the fact you were created so we had a relatively new villain while trying to iron out kinks from a prior season. You getting stalled that easily by genies and cat-burglars was supposed to happen, mostly because the alternative was potshotting bad "you must wed someone to gain true power" plots in a fashion that was apparently too subtle even for 2009 Noxigar Prime.

DEATHBRINGER: You act as if I had much other choice in how to gain power.

GARFIELD: You're a being who can harness negative energy. You already have power.

{Deathbringer blinks.}

DEATHBRINGER: Good thing I was done with Dota 2 for now. I won. Again.

{Garfield nods.}

GARFIELD: Alrighty. Now that your eyes are no longer glued to that game, can we at least do something together?

DEATHBRINGER: It has been a while. Where's Oiracul, and the others?

GARFIELD: Oiracul goes by the human name Tiffany Krieger, at least because her werewolf name is bloody obvious and translating her into a story system with werewolves involves purposefully keeping a low profile.

DEATHBRINGER: Are Aruseus and Garzel still around?

{Garfield shakes his head}

GARFIELD: I'm afraid not.

DEATHBRINGER: Hm. I guess I could go by something else other than "Deathbringer."

GARFIELD: Well, I guess Edgymancer works.

EDGYMANCER: Yeah, it does. I'll probably have to find something else to call myself just in the meantime. Although, apparently the name Lesale Deathbringer's copyrighted.

GARFIELD: I manage to hate Mondays without attracting Jim Davis' lawyers.


{Edgymancer gives a thumbs-up}

EDGYMANCER: Please tell me the local Burger King ain't closed down.

{Short pause.}

GARFIELD: I'm sorry, I think it closed down.

{Edgymancer frowns.}

EDGYMANCER: That sucks.

GARFIELD: Alright, Edgymancer. Let's go ahead, and... I guess cook up a Fake ID for you or something.