HOMESTAR

Homestar Runner is a terrific athlete. And by that, I mean that he was the world's most stupendous athelete! This armless mortal could perform feats at the speed of light!

BUT THIS IS NOT A STORY ABOUT ATHLETICS, YOU SILLY MORTAL. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT WAR AND ANGUISH.

It was a nice, sunny day in Fuck Country, USA. Homestar and Bubs were busy, mowing down masses of grotesque hellspawned Gorilla Knights, that had invaded the once beautiful nation.

Homestar tore the flesh off one of the Gorilla Knights. He devoured it with the might of a thousand hungry caterpillars, who indeed were not caterpillars, but dragon caterpillars! He chewed the flesh for what seemed like many years, while in fact it was only for a few seconds. He made sure that the flesh was chewed into a bitter cud, and he spat it out into a million tiny pieces.

"Homestar, what time is it?" asked Bubs, who was skullfucking a Gorilla Knight with his shotgun arm.

"It is time to feast on the virgin blood of the angels themselves", bellowed Homestar, whose words brought forth a massive shockwave that brutally punished every Gorilla Knight in the galaxy, causing their nutsacks to simultaneously explode into apple cider and cocaine cookies. But they were not dead, children. Oh no, they suffered a fate worse than death. They were each individually banished to the 6th Dimension, where they were doomed to a lifetime of torture, pain, and unprotected rough sex with goblin whores.

Now that the battle was over, Bubs' time had now come. He had fought the good fight, and it was now time for eternal rest. He knelt down, bowing his head slightly. Homestar then withdrew his Unholy Holy Wiimote, which had been forged with the bones of Bisexual Satanic Dinosaurs, and purified by the bodily fluids of many an Archangel and Seraph. He lifted the Wiimote into the air, where holy fuckspawned lightning rained down upon it, and he then slammed it down upon Bubs' head, causing it to explode into many pieces, which spread across the planet. He laid his fallen comrade's body down, and he tore the earth open, causing an earthquake that obliterated the entire field, turning it into a wasteland that was uninhabitable for all.

Suddenly, Homestar heard something calling to him in the distance. He turned around to find out what it was. It was Strong Bad, floating in Nirvana, surrounded by a legion of hot 18-year old elven chicks. Growing from his chin was a beard which was long and grey, with butterflies flying out of it. He was a magnificent creature. So magnificent in fact, that if any mortal had laid eyes upon him, they would die a long and painful death of uncontrollable fiery orgasm.

"Homestar Runner", he said. "YOU MUST SUMMON THE BEAST!"

Homestar unleashed his hatred and anger upon the Wiimote, causing the moon to fall out of orbit and come tumbling into the Earth's atmosphere. He leapt upon it, flying it through the galaxy, assraping all the planets dumb enough to stand in their way. He sang the song of a thousand dead sheathed the Moon in a layer of pure fucksauce, and he sent it hurdling towards Saturn's rings. The impact caused Saturn to explode into billions of tiny fucking pieces, which flew in all directions, killing the absolute fuck out of all the rest of the motherfucking planets that happened to be in the fucking way. Fuck.

The sheer awesomeness of the blast knocked Homestar out. It was quite a while until he woke up again. As he opened his eyes, he found himself in a new land. A land of volcanoes, rivers of lava, and rape octopuses. Stoc Bang appeared once more to Homestar, flipping a batch of canpakes while making sweet alligator love to the Queen of Germany.

"Homestar, would you care for some pancakes?", said Bong Band.

"Rong Bard, you know how I do not like canpakes", said Homestar. "Even if they are in a wagon."

"Suit yourself, Homestar. But know one thing. You may now refer to me as DONG RARE", he said, while tearing apart a meteorite full of giant brain-eating headlice, with his boxing gloves which were composed of swords and arrows.

Homestar looked at Dong Rape in disapproval, and said "Dong Rape, we must collect the 7 secret gemstones from the rancid headquarters, or we won't be able to summon our friends back from the dead and then we won't be able to kill them again!"

Homestar pondered for a second, before pulling out his mamwich. However, this was not a mamwich, as the bread was made of starlight and it was filled with jelly harvested by the Amazonian fire-maids of the 9th quadrant. It was still edible of course. Homestar took a bite out of the mamwich, chewing at it like a fergilicious helicopter at a bar mitzvah.

Dog Rap wasn't finished, as he had one more thing to say to Homestar.

"I am String Bahn, naggir of a million galaxies. I shall naggir the world like I have never naggir before. After all, we are all citizens of the great god's fierce booby. May we not destroy what we may create with our naggirs and boobies?"

TO BE CONTINUED