GOOSE SOUP

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5...4...3...2...

{Open: Chwoka is twirling a police baton, whistling. The Skull Buggy drives up to him.}

---
THE SKULL BUGGY
"I SAY, CHWOKA! IT IS QUITE A COLD DAY, NO?"
---

{Chwoka hits The Skull Buggy with his baton.}

---
CHWOKA
"QUIET, YOU! I NEED TO THINK OF A SALES PITCH."

THE SKULL BUGGY
"A SALES PITCH? WHY, WHATEVER FOR?"

CHWOKA
"WELL, LET ME SPIN YOU A YARN..."
---

{Cut: The ad agency. A few suits are there.}

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MANAGER GROLL
"THIS GOOSE SOUP IS NOT SELLING WELL".

YESMAN
"YES, SIR."

CHWOKA'S MANAGER
"I'LL BRING IN MY BEST MAN."
---

{Chwoka's manager whistles, fingers-in-mouth style. Chwoka busts in through the door like Kramer.}

---
CHWOKA
"HELLO, THERE, MANAGEMENT!"

CHWOKA'S MANAGER
"CHWOKA, DO YOU LIKE GOOSE SOUP?"

CHWOKA
"I AM MORE PARTIAL TO DUCK SOUP MYSELF."

CHWOKA'S MANAGER
"WELL WE NEED YOU TO SELL SOME GOOSE SOUP."

CHWOKA
"YOU MEAN IT, BOSS?"

CHWOKA'S MANAGER
"WOULD I LIE TO SOMEBODY SO HANDSOME?"

YESMAN
"YES, SIR."
---

{Chwoka's Manager slaps around the Yesman.}

---
CHWOKA'S MANAGER
"WHADDYA SAY, CHWOKA?"

CHWOKA
"WELL, I WILL HAVE TO TASTE IT FIRST."
---

{Cut: An automobile assembly line. Workers are meticulously placing goose meat into bowls of soup which go by in the background. Chwoka's Manager takes a bowl of soup off the conveyor belt, and hands it to Chwoka. He gestures to the bowl, and Chwoka takes a generous helping and drinks the bowl. His lips pucker, and he holds it in his cheeks.}

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CHWOKA'S MANAGER
"ISN'T IT DELICIOUS?"
---

{Chwoka nods, begrudgingly. His manager slaps him on the back, forcing him to swallow it. His manager walks away, satisfied. Chwoka keels over.}

{Cut: The tree.}

---
THE SKULL BUGGY
"THAT WAS A SHORT YARN. A KITTEN WOULD NOT BE AMUSED WITH IT."

CHWOKA
"IT IS NOT HOW LONG YOUR YARN IS BUT WHAT YOU DO WITH IT."

THE SKULL BUGGY
"WHERE DID YOU GET THE POLICE BATON?"
---

{Chwoka stops twirling the baton, and looks at it confused.}

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CHWOKA
"I DO NOT KNOW."
---

{A policeman walks on screen, angry, and points at the police baton. Chwoka hops in The Skull Buggy and drives off. Cut: a house. The Skull Buggy stops at the front door.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"I DO BELIEVE WE SHOULD START OUR ESCAPADES HERE."

CHWOKA
"AGREED! I SHALL EXIT THE CAR AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR NOW."
---

{Chwoka exits The Skull Buggy and closes the door. He sashays up to the door, rings the doorbell, and waits.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"YOU RANG THE DOORBELL."

CHWOKA
"I NEVER KEEP MY PROMISES. YOU KNOW THAT."
---

{A very posh-looking individual of the echidna persuasion opens the door.}

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LORD MITCHELL
"EXCUSE ME, BUT WHO IS KNOCKING ON MY DOOR?"
CHWOKA
"HELLO, SIR! WE'RE SELLING SOME FINE GOOSE SOUP."
LORD MITCHELL
"GOOSE SOUP IS A FATE I WOULD NOT WISH UPON ANY MAN, LIVING OR DEAD."
---

{The door is slammed. The Skull Buggy looks dejected, but Chwoka slaps him.}

---
CHWOKA
"HAVE YOU NO EYES? THIS MAN IS AN ADVERTISING GENIUS!"
THE SKULL BUGGY
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
CHWOKA
"LOOK AT THE WAY HIS WORDS ROLL OFF THE TONGUE AND STICK IN YOUR EAR. ADVERTISING IS AN ART, AND HE IS AN UNDISCOVERED TALENT."
THE SKULL BUGGY
"BUT WE CAN'T PRINT "NOT FIT FOR CONSUMPTION BY ANY BODY, LIVING OR DEAD" ON A MAGAZINE PAGE."
CHWOKA
"BUT WHAT IF WE GAVE HIM SOMETHING THAT WASN'T GOOSE SOUP?"
---

{The Skull Buggy's eyes light up.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"A MARVELOUS IDEA! YOU, MY GOOD MAN, ARE A JACK OF ALL TRADES!"
CHWOKA
"I PREFER MYSELF A WILLIAM OF ALL TRADES."
---

{Chwoka runs to a nearby general store.}

---
CHWOKA
"SIR! DO YOU HAVE ANY DELECTABLE STEWS?"
SHOPKEEP
"BROTH I HAVE IN SPADES."
CHWOKA
"THEN GIVE ME TEN CANS OF YOUR FINEST-QUALITY WATER SOUP!"
SHOPKEEP
"THAT WILL RUN YOU FIVE PENNIES TO THE CAN."
---

{Chwoka reaches into his pockets and finds nothing.}

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CHWOKA
"WILL YOU ACCEPT A CAN OF FINE GOOSE SOUP?"
SHOPKEEP
"MY FATHER CHOKED ON A CHUNK OF GOOSE IN HIS SOUP. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU IN THIS STORE AGAIN."
---

{Chwoka is booted out of the store.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"I SEE HE GAVE YOU THE BOOT!"
CHWOKA
"QUITE A HEEL, THAT ONE."
---

{Chwoka and The Skull Buggy fuss around a bit.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"HOW WILL WE FIND A HIGH-QUALITY FOODSTUFF AT THIS HOUR?"
CHWOKA
"SELECTION IS NOT OUR PROBLEM - WE HAVE NOT A HAY PENNY!"
THE SKULL BUGGY
"DO NOT WORRY, I KNOW A SUREFIRE WAY TO EARN SOME MONEY."
---

{Cut: a fountain.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"PEOPLE OFTEN THROW CASH IN HERE, WITH A WISH OF GOOD LUCK."
CHWOKA
"AND WHAT DO WE DO?"
THE SKULL BUGGY
"WE TAKE A COIN AND WISH FOR MORE MONEY!"
CHWOKA
"BRILLIANT! BUT WAIT, WE HAVE NO MONEY TO THROW..."
THE SKULL BUGGY
"OH, I'M SURE WE CAN JUST THROW ANYTHING."
---

{The Skull Buggy throws Chwoka in the fountain, who gets up and runs his hands over his face a few times.}

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CHWOKA
"I DO NOT FEEL ANY RICHER."
---

{Cut: Chwoka's office. Chwoka is looking miffed, toying with a pencil. The skull Buggy is pacing back and forth behind him.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"WILL YOU STOP TOYING WITH THAT THING?!"
---

{Chwoka puts the pencil down. Pause. Chwoka's face brightens up and he snaps his fingers in delight.}

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CHWOKA
"I'VE GOT IT!"

THE SKULL BUGGY
"WHAT HAVE YOU?"

CHWOKA
"WE CAN GET THE MONEY BY ROBBING A BANK!"
---

{Transition: Chwoka and The Skull Buggy are wearing ski masks, and standing in front of the "First, Second, and Quite Possibly Even Third National Bank". They walk in. Cut: A teller with no line. Chwoka and The Skull Buggy walk up to the teller.}

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TELLER
"HOW MAY I HELP YOU?"

THE SKULL BUGGY
"WE'D LIKE TO MAKE A WITHDRAWL."
---

{Chwoka takes out a gun and places it on the Teller's head.}

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TELLER
"VERY WELL THEN, HOW MUCH?"
---

{Chwoka holds up two fingers. The Teller hands The Skull Buggy two silver dollars, and both leave. Another man in a ski mask comes up to the Teller and puts a gun to his head.}

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MAN
"I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A DEPOSIT."
---

{Cut: The fountain. Chwoka and The Skull Buggy sashay up to it, a fistful of dollars.}

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CHWOKA
"I WISH FOR MORE MONEY."
---

{Chwoka throws the coin into the fountain. A couple of workers back a large vaccuum-type item into camera, and place it in the fountain. The tube sucks all the water out, and the two maintenance workers take the machine back off-screen. Chwoka and The Skull Buggy peek over the edge of the fountain.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF STARS!"
---

{Still shot: A fountain half-full with coins.}

{Transition: A new store. Chwoka and The Skull Buggy walk up in very expensive clothing; The Skull Buggy has his bed filled with coins.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"WE WOULD LIKE ONE CAN OF YOUR FINEST SOUP."

STOREKEEP
"CERTAINLY SIR! ANYTHING FOR RICH SOCIALITES."
---

{The Storekeep takes a can of "Money Soup" out from under the counter, and hands it to The Skull Buggy and Chwoka, who leave without even having to pay.}

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SHOPKEEP
"HAVE A GOOD DAY GENTLEMEN!"

THE SKULL BUGGY
"AND SAME TO YOU MY GOOD MAN."
---

{Chwoka and the Skull Buggy are walking/driving down the road. Suddenly, they come upon a poor youth.}

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THE PAPERBOY
"HELLO! WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY ONE OF MY NEWSPAPERS?"

THE SKULL BUGGY
"I WOULD RATHER DIE OF THE 'CHOLERA'."
---

{The paperboy puts on a sad face, complete with puppy dog eyes.}

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THE PAPERBOY
"BUT I AM A POOR YOUNG MAN WHO NEEDS TO EAT FOO"

CHWOKA
"TODAY'S NEWS IS TOO DEPRESSING."

THE SKULL BUGGY
"AND I HATE PAPERBOYS MORE THAN I HATE LIFE ITSELF."
---

{The paperboy sulks off, dejected and hungry.}

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THE SKULL BUGGY
"HA! HA! WE SHOWED HIM!"

CHWOKA
"QUITE."
---

{The Skull Buggy and Chwoka fuss around a bit.}

---
THE SKULL BUGGY
"WHAT WERE WE DOING AGAIN?"

CHWOKA
"HATING PAPERBOYS BECAUSE WE ARE RICH?"

THE SKULL BUGGY
"BEFORE THAT."

CHWOKA
"MANIPULATING LORD MITCHELL LIKE A PUPPETMASTER OVER A CAN OF GOOSE SOUP?"
---

{The Skull Buggy hits himself on the head. Cut: Lord Mitchell's house. The duad are wearing false mustaches. Then, the film runs out. Chwoka walks infront of the screen.}

CHWOKA: And that's why you should always duck...

CROWD OF CHILDREN: ...AND COVER!