Detective

Name's Vince. I used to be a private investigator. Have I ever told you about the time I uncovered a vast conspiracy involving aliens, robots, and gladiators? Yes? Oh. Have I told you about the time I uncovered a drug ring? What's that? I can't hear you. Anyways, it all started on April the 23rd. The sun shone brightly through my window, getting glare all over my television screen. A knock on the door! I told her to come in. She was lovely in a forgettable way, wearing a red dress and puke-brown high-heels. Her hair shimmered like a newborn baby. Something in her eye told me I couldn't trust her.

"You've got something in your eye," I said. She told me she already knew, but I knew she was lying. "What are you doing here, anyhow?" She told me everything. The drugs, the thugs, the time, the crime - but it wasn't enough. "Come in, I can tell you've had a nerve wracking experience," I offered, "Would you like some coffee?" Gladly, she accepted. She tried to tell me something, but I couldn't be bothered to listen. I was on a mission to make some coffee. "Do go on," I reassured her, "It's probably very interesting."

Deciding on a whim to tune in, she told me everything she had already told me for a third time. It was all about illegal drugs and she needed me to bring the law hammer down - the type of stuff that was my lifeblood throughout the year so far. All the drug cases were kind of wearing on my nerves, so it was a good thing this was the last one. Wordlessly, I poured coffee into her cup, while watching the baseball game on TV. She started yammering again - something about 'aaaaaargh I'm pouring coffee into her lap'. Women, right? Sheesh.

So, knowing I'd hurt her precious "feelings" that all women seem to hold in such high regards, I turned off the TV. "So what do you want me to do?" asked I, in a rightfully indignant way. She told me I was supposed to catch those druggies. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

The chase was on. My first stop was Lyin' Eddie in the alleyway. The bricks were red as the clay they were made out of. The clay, of course, was mixed with the blood of Lyin' Eddie's enemies. Lyin' Eddie was homeless - at least, technically. Being the most skilled hobo in the state, he was able to build a sturdy brick house on top of the alleyway that he built from things that were lying in the dump, his old home. Naturally, people assumed the house he was begging in front of wasn't his own. That's what he told people, at least.

Lyin' Eddie was a trustworthy source of information for investigators like myself. He knew the ins and outs of the biker gang, where to find good eats on the cheap, and, of particular import on this day, where to find prime drugs. The only reason we didn't arrest him was because he was much more useful out here than out there - besides, he wasn't harming anything but property values.

"So, who can I go to for the drugs?"

"I don't know nothing anywhere about anyone ever!"

"Out with it, Lyin' Eddie, stop lyin'!" I grabbed him by the kneecaps (which was hard, I can tell you).

"Okay, okay, I do know something!"

"What is it?"

"I don't know!"

When Lyin' Eddie was lyin' so bad, it was hard to get him out of his groove. However, having a personal relationship with him, I knew what would work - bribery. Slowly, a pulled out a mint condition, individually wrapped Reese's from my pocket.

"Well, I guess if I have no leads, I have nothing to do but eat this delicious, chocolatey, peanut-buttery -"

"Okay, okay, I tell you everything you want to know!"

Since Lyin' Eddie lied so much, you had to test him when he said things like this. "Two things - first, what is the curvature of the Earth?"

"Because the Earth is not perfectly spherical, it is impossible to measure the curve."

This was a good answer. "Where can I find some prime drugs?"

"The International Union of Truckers. They meet every Thursday, and this town's meetings are run by a big drug dealer who isn't addicted himself."

Truckers? What did truckers have to do with this whole thing? How did Lyin' Eddie know this? Was he a trucker at one point?

"Hey Bub, you gonna eat that?" Lyin' Eddie asked, grasping at the Reese's I was still toying with in my hand. I considered messing with him and not giving him the treat, but I already told you what happens to Lyin' Eddie's enimies - they get bricked.

"Go ahead, knock yourself out." I said, and tossed the Reese's to Lyin' Eddie.

"Is that some kind of threat?!" Lyin' Eddie said, "I will cut you up! I WILL CUT YOU UP BAD!"

Oh, that Lyin' Eddie! The wackiness is almost unbearable!

So I had my first lead - truckers. Well, since I was authority, I thought that maybe I could wiggle my way into the lodge. No such luck that Thursday...

"So, tell me again why I should let you in," asked the bouncer, "since you're not a trucker 'n' all."

"I have reason to believe that the members of this... thing... are using illegal drugs nonviolently!" said I, "also, I can arrest you for no reason at all."

"Get outta here - you're no trucker! I ain't see no offical truckers' cap on ya."

Well, no luck this Thursday, so the investigation was put on hold for the most part. Played some tennis, some darts, and embarrased myself at Karoke! What a week that was. Eventually, though, the realization that it was Wednesday seeped into my skin. I considered detoxing, but that was all bunk and, as an investigative mind knew, did not work.

I coerced a professional trainspotter to help me find a semi. We climbed to the top of the tallest building in the city just to get a good view. We shot the breeze for a while, but soon we ran out of bullets. Wasn't a very windy day anyway - probably for the better. Just then, he spotted a train and ran off. I was on my own. For the next three hours, no semis came through the town. No food shipments, no nothing. Very odd. Was it a conspiracy? Probably not. Eventually, however, an oil tanker was driving through. Capitalism, you did not fail me! However, a sickening realization came over me - I was on the roof of a building, and the tanker was many stories below. I had to wait even more. Who knows, perhaps it would be an open-topped mattress-carrying semi.

As luck would have it, that's exactly what rolled into town just a few minutes later. Luckily, I had a degree in physics! So I threw it down the building's side and it landed in the middle of the road, creating a pothole through sheer downforce, and congesting traffic for miles. Half an hour later, the mattress truck was at a near complete stop. So I jumped...

TO BE CONTINUED IN ANOTHER EXCITING INSTALLMENT (in case you can't figure out what happens next)