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Confronting Cicero Malifact

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Cicero Malifact is an Archmage and Garfield Wiggins has to somehow put up a decent fight despite not knowing much in the way of actual Wizardry.


{Cut to Garfield Wiggins, on the computer.}

GARFIELD: At long last, I have the time to look up who "The Great Malifact" is.

{Zoom to Garfield's computer screen - he's using Google, and types the name "The Great Malifact." Upon pressing Enter, Garfield is treated to many search results, many of which are "pages" of a comic called "Suck My Fireballs." Cut to Garfield with a look of complete befuddlement.}

GARFIELD: The fuck is a porn comic the first search of-

{The area around him becomes enveloped in mist.}

??????: FELIX!!!!

{The mist parts to reveal a muscular Archmage. He is in battle robes.}

??????: Wait a minute, are you one of my illegitimate children?

{Garfield blinks.}

GARFIELD: Illegitimate children?

??????: Who told you about The Great Malifact?

GARFIELD: A card collector.

{Short pause.}

??????: That doesn't help anything.

GARFIELD: Were you expecting me to know much more about you beyond what I've been passively told by my Wizard acquaintances and a cereal cafe host whose kindness to me I attempt to pay back whilst acknowledging that he doesn't see me as a potential lover, all whilst fighting internal issues?

??????: look familiar...

{The Archmage strokes his brow.}

??????: Well, you've seen my physical forme for real, so I guess I will have to fight you to see if you're able to live to tell the tale of meeting Cicero Malifact.

{Garfield jumps out of his chair and takes out some vials containing green chemicals.}

GARFIELD: You're not the first assassin after me lucky charms!

{Cicero looks taken aback.}

CICERO: You have-

GARFIELD: Bounty hunters. Empress Stephiroth says the rest of the Wizarding world doesn't appreciate my eccentricities.

CICERO: Empress Stephiroth...?

{A lightbulb appears over Cicero's head.}

CICERO: You're that mortal who doesn't realize when he's completely out of his league! I remember you, I think... but you overambitious mortals all look and act the same to me...

{Cicero scratches his head, but then summons a dog Familiar.}

CICERO: ...I think I remember you being allergic to dogs... sic 'em, Danny!

{Cicero points in Garfield's direction, and the dog Familiar attempts to attack him. Garfield gets out two glowing crimson scimitars.}

GARFIELD: Xemnas damn it, am I really that forgettable to you?

{Garfield attempts to not harm the dog Familiar; whenever it attempts to bite him, he attempts to parry the bite with one of the scimitars.}

CICERO: Glowing crimson scimitars? Oh, I think I've seen your wanted posters all over the Dwarfnet! But... you're not in a white dress and your hair's not blonde.

{Garfield throws his scimitars at Cicero. They miss, but manage to make sizable tears on the Archmage's robes. Danny bites Garfield's left leg, while he's distracted; this causes him to wince.}

CICERO: Good boy, Danny! Keep distracting him. Now, which spell shall I fry you with...?

{Garfield's eyes glow red, and he shakes Danny off of his leg.}

GARFIELD: Oh, it's on, now.

{Garfield jumps to the ceiling, while seeing that Cicero has a Fire spell prepared.}

CICERO: Hrm, I suppose I'll just go with a Fireza.

GARFIELD: I can see why Chaos hates you.

CICERO: I'm sorry, who?

{Garfield tries to spin kick Cicero in order to interrupt the Fireza spell, but the kick hits the incomplete fireball and sets his leg on fire.}


{Short pause.}


CICERO: You've never fought an Archmage before, have you?

GARFIELD: Tauradonna.

{Zoom out to reveal clouds appearing over Volkov's pierogi bar.}

CICERO: You're going with a ship name as a powerword? Pfft, you nerds never learn-

GARFIELD: Kindred Vodoun - Spiritual Intermediary.

{Garfield takes out golden cutlery, and "shaves" part of his chin, cutting himself with one of the knives whilst making "claws" with the others. The blood from the shaving fizzles almost immediately, giving Garfield temporary access to contacting spirits.}

CICERO: ...oh my fucking Odin. You're the LARPer... Noxigar Bellinski.


CICERO: Get a load of this hornses ass.

{Cicero readies another Fireza, while Garfield gets "advice" from nearby spirits inhabiting Volkov's pierogi bar - presumably, these spirits were Volkov's Soviet military friends in their past lives.}

GARFIELD: ...Mhm-hm... Go on...

{Cicero launches a massive fireball.}

CICERO: Fireza!

{Garfield launches himself head first into the Fireza Ball; it bonks his head and flies up into the ceiling, creating a massive hole which reveals the stormy weather outside.}

CICERO: ...nani the fuck-

{It starts to rain, causing Garfield's room to be partially rained on and causing the Fireza Ball to dwindle. Garfield's hair gets showered in it, but it's easy to tell that his hair was partially burnt as a result...}

GARFIELD: aAaAaAaAaAaAaAaA... bend it like Beckham.

{Garfield wobbles a bit; it's quite clear he has a concussion. Cicero facepalms.}

CICERO: I was kind of hoping you'd just fall down easily. Luckily, I know-

{Garfield lobs several golden knives, which also tear into Cicero's robes. One knife hits the Archmage's right arm, and zaps him, a sensation which intensifies thanks to the rain. Garfield collapses on the ground. Lex and Volkov arrive into Garfield's room, whilst Cicero is still electrocuted.}

VOLKOV: What the everloving-

LEX: Is that The Great Malifact?


{Cicero gets the knife out of his arm, but then recognizes he's bleeding from it.}

CICERO: Thor damn it, the mortal managed to prick me pretty bad. I suppose I'll spare him and go after him when he's... not suffering a concussion.

LEX: Wait, you gave Garfield a concussion?

{Lex gets into a Battel Stance.}

VOLKOV: Niet, Lex. It is not worth it.

CICERO: Look, I just came here 'cause I wondered why I was being Google-searched. I see why... and find that my quarry is just as much of a fucking joke as he was when I first discovered his lousy existence.

{Cicero flies away into the stormy clouds.}