(even if you aren't vegan)


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Bellacrimes, Belladude.


{Cut to Garland Bellinski, sitting on a couch.}

GARLAND: Time to see what's on television.

{Garland flips the remote, and gradually changes it to NCIS: New Orleans. Several hours later, Garland gets up and looks to be heading out. The front door opens, and Stephanie appears to be heading in.}

GARLAND: Crimes?

{Garland wiggles his eyebrows. Stephanie blinks.}

STEPHANIE: Uh... no? I just got back from work, and I'm tired.

GARLAND: Crimes.


GARLAND: Can't we at least go find out whose wife Bugs Bunny fucked?

STEPHANIE: Good god, Garland, I don't think you're going to like the answer to that question.

GARLAND: I'm not?

STEPHANIE: Also, I ran into Bakery Girl again, and she gave us-

{Stephanie takes out a pair of sunglasses, and points to a bag in her other hand.}

STEPHANIE: Hella bread.

GARLAND: Asiago bread?

STEPHANIE: I don't know if asiago goes with takoyaki. I think she gave us some other breads.

GARLAND: Sounds jolly good.

STEPHANIE: What's your plan, anyway? Did Archmage Joseph talk you into trying to find Joe the Hotdog Guy again?

GARLAND: You know I need that grape jelly on that hot god.

STEPHANIE: I have no idea why you keep bringing that up as well, but I can relate vaguely to it enough that I'm not entirely against it.

GARLAND: Archmage Joseph told me he can suck dick and throw knives.

{Stephanie's eyelids lower.}

STEPHANIE: I wonder what brought that up.

{Cut to Garfield and Stephanie, at a bar in what looks to be a Chinatown district.}

STEPHANIE: Crimes, I guess.

GARLAND: Alright!

{Garfield raises a fist up in the air.}

STEPHANIE: Let's go get some snacks and drinks.

{Fast forward to later, at a high-end restaurant. A dinner date looks to be hijacked. Stephanie is inebriated, dressing up as Bono.}

STEPHANIE: Bono giorno, lads! It is-

{Stephanie begins tap-dancing. Garland looks to be trying to gauge a good way to interact with the dinner date participants being hijacked. Eventually, he plays on a ocean blue cello, essentially escalating Stephanie's antics while she's dressed up as Bono. Water begins being manipulated, as Garland looks to be sending elementals made from the cello to join in on the fun. Garland's cello-playing is eventually stopped, when a fist collides with his face. Zoom out to show the fist belonging to Drago.}

DRAGO: Sup, fucker!? Thought you saw the last of me?

{Garland swipes a hand around his lips, and notices blood. }

GARLAND: Honestly, yes.

{Garland takes on a Battel Stance. Pan back to Stephanie, with water elemental backup dancers provide different instruments of their own.}

I can't believe the news today
Oh, I can't close my eyes
And make it go away
How long?
How long must we sing this song?
How long, how long?
'Cause tonight, we can be as one

{In the background, Drago can be seen throwing more fists at Garland. Some hit him, some do not. Garland tries to parry with his own fists. Everyone around Stephanie, Garland, and Drago is immensely confused by everything.}

STEPHANIE: Broken bottles under children's feet
Bodies strewn across the dead end street
But I won't heed the battle call
It puts my back up
Puts my back up against the wall
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday, Sunday, Bloody Sunday (alright)

{Garland tries playing on the cello some more, to summon more water elementals to aid him. This is immediately countered by Drago taking out knives and throwing them at Garland, who has to spend time dodging those on top of dodging more fists.}

STEPHANIE: And the battle's just begun
There's many lost, but tell me who has won
The trench is dug within our hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
Sunday, Bloody Sunday

{Garland and Drago ascend some stairs along the restaurant's building.}

STEPHANIE: How long?
How long must we sing this song?
How long, how long?
'Cause tonight, we can be as one
Tonight, tonight
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
(Tonight, tonight) Sunday, Bloody Sunday (let's go)
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Wipe your tears away
Oh, wipe your tears away
I'll, wipe your tears away (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
I'll, wipe your blood shot eyes (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Sunday, Bloody Sunday)
And it's true we are immune
When fact is fiction and TV reality
And today the millions cry
We eat and drink while tomorrow they die
the real battle just begun
(Sunday, Bloody Sunday) to claim the victory Jesus won
Sunday Bloody Sunday, yeah
Sunday Bloody Sunday

{Despite having sung all the lyrics, Stephanie continues dancing along numerous tables. Everyone claps and cheers for her, except for Garland and Drago, who appear to be locked in combat ontop of a swinging chandelier. Drago cuts off the rope supporting the chandelier, bringing it down upon the ground below. Garland falls off it, and the ensuing crash causes enough of a shockwave to cause all water elementals to fade from existence. Between the fall damage and the chandelier shockwave, Garland is noticeably injured.}

GARLAND: Ah, fuck!

{Stephanie stops what she's doing, and goes over to Garland.}

STEPHANIE: Wait, what happened?

DRAGO: I happened.

{Drago throws a knife, which narrowly misses Garland's head, but cuts off some of his hair. Stephanie turns to face Drago.}

STEPHANIE: Wait, how did you get out of prison?

DRAGO: Breakout? I-

{Stephanie dive-kicks Drago, knocking him flat on the ground. The patrons of the restaurant seem to clap, as they assume Drago's part of the whole thing, too.}

STEPHANIE: It's a good thing I watched The Cockpuncher Part II, I guess...

{Stephanie shakes her head.}

STEPHANIE: Yeah, okay, I seem to have lost most of my buzz pondering how in the Sam Hill I keep getting into these messes, but maybe that's for the better.

{Stephanie goes to help Garland pick up his cello and walk out, as they walk out of the restaurant. They return to the Chinatown area.}

STEPHANIE: So, what's next?

GARLAND: Let's go to the lighthouse. We can look at the stars best from here.

STEPHANIE: This isn't another steppe in "Crimes," is it?

GARLAND: Nah. We've amused the people in this district. We need to head to harbor and just bask in our triumphs.

STEPHANIE: We're not going to be doing more "Crimes" any time soon, by the way.

GARLAND: I suspected as much. Props for the Bono costume, though.

STEPHANIE: Yeah, well... it's good to get it out of the closet every once in a blue moon.

{Stephanie and Garland walk towards a lighthouse. Pan up to the sky, where more stars are visible. End of scene.}