Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Georgia

georgia sweet georgia

TRANSCRIPT

{Ben and Alex touch down in Atlanta international airport}

BEN: The Good life! It feel like Atlanta, it feel like LA-

ALEX: Stop singing Yeezy choones, ben, Yeezy's a Chi-Town rapper. Besides, you're only allowed to sing Alice Cooper in my presence.

BEN: you say that but i've seen your karaoke of american boy. kanye's in that. fuck, the only reason we're even on this journey is because you think travelling america will make estelle like you.

ALEX: I STILL HAVE A CHANCE WITH HER GET OFF MY BACK GEEZ.

BEN: Okay sorry Alex. Anyway, here we are in Atlantic!

ALEX: Lanta.

BEN: Sorry, Antlanticlanta. What's the plan?

ALEX: I dunno. It's the fucking South. Be racist, I guess?

BEN: Nah, I wouldn't want to piss off our huge demographic of African-American fans.

ALEX: You're right. I don't know, maybe we can go to a concert or something?

BEN: fuck off

{Ben and Alex walk past a signpole with a sign for a new concert, headed by none other than Ray Charles.}

ALEX: Oh hey, it's Ray Charles!

BEN: do you know why he's always smiling

ALEX: Why?

BEN: because he's a world famous and beloved artist you racist cunt

ALEX: oh

{Cut to the concert, which is taking place in a small theatre. Ray Charles is sitting at his piano, singing a beautiful tune.}

RAY CHARLES: Georgia, Georgia,
The whole day through...
Just an old sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind.

{Alex is wiping away tears as Ray sings.}

RAY CHARLES: I said Georgia.
Georgia.
A song of you,
Comes as sweet and clear,
As moonlight through the pines.

BEN: hahaha hes blind

ALEX: shut up ben

RAY CHARLES: Other arms reach out to me...
Other eyes smile tenderly,
Still in peaceful dreams I see...
The road leads back to you...

{Suddenly, Kanye West bursts onto the stage and kicks Ray Charles off the stage, taking the mic in the process.}

KANYE WEST: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT WHO'S READY FOR SOME TUNES FROM K-YEEZY

{Ben does a happy clap, like a seal. Alex looks annoyed.}

ALEX: Hey, you can't do that to Ray Charles!

KANYE WEST: Yo, I’m really happy for Ray, Imma let 'im finish but I'm about to sing one of the best songs of all time. One of the best songs of all time!!

{Jay Z, Rick Ross, and Nicki Minaj appear to perform MONSTER.}

BEN: alex i have a monster for you

ALEX:

BEN:

ALEX:

BEN:

ALEX:

BEN: it's my di-

KANYE WEST: GOSSIP, GOSSIP, [alex's mom asked him not to use swears] JUST STOP IT! EVERYBODY KNOWS IM A MOTHERFUCKIN MONSTER!

BEN: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

{the crowd goes fucking wild as yeezy spits some ferocious bars}

JAY Z: YE! YE! STOP THE TRACK!

KANYE WEST: what, why?

JAY Z: It's important I get this right. I've been rehearsing all afternoon and I ain't ready.

KANYE WEST: JAY, WE'RE LIVE! LIVE!

JAY Z: DON'T WORRY YE, I GOT THIS!

KANYE WEST:

JAY Z:

KANYE WEST:

JAY Z:

KANYE WEST:

JAY Z: SASQUATCH GODZILLA KING KONG LOCHNESS

KANYE WEST: wtf is this

JAY Z: GOBLIN GHOUL A ZOMBIE WIT NO CONSCIENCE

KANYE WEST: jay i thought we changed this verse because-

JAY Z: QUESTION: WHAT DO ALL THESE THINGS HAVE IN COMMON?

{The sky breaks open and the Horseman of the Apocalypse break out. The ground cracks and the undead claw their way out of hell, climbing into a screaming crowd. Ben, Alex, and Kanye all look horrfied}

JAY Z: ERRYBODY KNOWS IM A MOTHERFUCKIN MONSTER!

KANYE: JAY I TOLD YA WE CHANGED THIS VERSE

ALEX: im diggin it myself

KANYE: Nah man, we had this verse in development for a long time, but every time it was rehearsed, some spooky shit happened. Flickerin' lightbulbs, that sorta stuff.

NICKI: And I swear I felt a ghost touch my ass once. That shit ain't anybody's property but mine, dead or alive!

KANYE: We drew the line at her ass. Nobody touches Nicki's ass, ain't cool, y'know?

NICKI: Turns out that the line happened to be an Ancient Egyptian curse, created by the evil Egyptian Sorcerer, Mamasei'mamasa Mamakusa. The curse was engineered to summon Anubis, the Egyptian God of Death, where he would raise the death and bring back the apocalypse.

BEN: And you just happened to accidentally recreate the curse?

KANYE: we were high as shit y'all

{Ominous music as the undead overtake Atlanta. A weird hollering can be heard in the distance.}

????: Hee-Hee!

BEN: what was that

????: Hoooooooooooo

ALEX: i dont know ben i am scared

????: YA KNOCK ME OFFA ME FEET NOW BABY, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

{The stage shakes as it begins to crack open, revealing an undead man in a sequined red jacket and a single white glove. He climbs out of the crack and does a spin before grabbing his crotch.}

MICHAEL JACKSON: TH'WAY YA MAKIN' ME FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL

{Michael does a singular air kick and jumps.}

MICHAEL: Y'REALLY TURN ME ON, HEEEEEEEE

{Ben and Alex look at each other.}

BEN: Well if you look at that, it's the king of pop. If you ask me, he actually looks better now than he has done since the 80s.

ALEX: Did you just say 80s?

BEN: Yes...

ALEX: I LOVE THE 80s!! HOLY SHIT IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!!!

{Alex, in a 80s-fueled euphoria goes up to hug Michael Jackson, only to end up having his jugular torn off by his teeth.}

MICHAEL: CHAMONE, GIVE IT TO ME GIRL!!

{Michael pushes Alex away as he opens his jacket and screams out loud.}

MICHAEL: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... chamone

BEN: HOLY SHIT ALEX YOU GOT BITTEN ARE YOU OKAY

ALEX: I feel...

{Alex looks at his hands. A singular white glove appears on his left hand. His clothes become more sparkly and his hair becomes more styled. He is turning into one of Jackson's minions.}

ALEX: Good. Can you feel it Ben?

BEN: No. N-no.. NO!!!

ALEX: Can you feel it? Can you feel it, CAN YOU FEEL IT?? HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

{Alex grabs his crotch and screams.}

KANYE: Shit. He's been turned by the King of Pop. Quickly, guys. We need to get out of here.

{Kanye West picks Ben, Nicki Minaj, Jay-Z, and Ray Charles up as he evacuates.}

BEN: What about the audience members?

KANYE: They can save themselves!!

BEN: But Yeeeeeeeezy!!!!

KANYE: Ugh. Fine.

{Kanye quickly picks up all the surviving audience members and carries them all in his arms with his super kanye strength as he takes them away from the scene. They end up together in a motor inn, as zombies roam outside.}

BEN: Right. It's the zombie apocalypse. We need a plan.

JAY Z: Aybe-may we need to do omething-say about A-ray Charles.

RAY CHARLES: I agree. My distant cousin, Albert Ray Charles', has gone too far. What do we do?

JAY Z: Blind him.

RAY CHARLES: Sounds like a plan.

KANYE WEST: That ain't no plan I ever heard of. What we do is we go South as fast as we can.

BEN: Good plan, Ye - zombie's aren't known for their ability to survive in heat

KANYE WEST: nah i just want to stay away from my bitch daughter. she's been sassing me too long

BEN: bruh shes 3

KANYE WEST: I KNOW WHAT I HEARD, FUCKBOY

JAY Z: guys

BEN: what

JAY Z: nicki's been bit. she hasn't turned yet. we can still save her.

BEN: by amputating the limb right?

JAY Z: well that's the thing. she got bit on her ass.

BEN: ...

{Ben, Jay Z and Kanye West take out a saw and start sawing Nicki Minaj's ass off}

BEN: At least we learnt something, Nik. It's not always a good thing when the anaconda is specifically focused on buns. Especially when said anaconda is trying to literally eat your ass off.

{It is too late. Nicki Minaj has been turned into a zombie.}

NICKI: Bitches ain't shit and they ain't sayin' nothin'. A hundred motherfucka's can't tell me nothin'. BEEZ IN THE BEEZ, B-BEEZ IN THE TRAP.

{Nicki's ass explodes, revealing it to be home to an entire hive of radioactive bees, which let loose.}

BEN: yeah guys this is dumb, no zombie invasion is going to get in the way of me having a good time in america with alex

KANYE: Hey, do what you want bruh, I'm rich anyway, I'm too fly to be turned into a zombie.

{Two months later. Ben and Alex are now holed up in a gas station with other survivors. Alex, in a state of pure zombification has had both his arms chopped off, along with his lower jaw and teeth so that he can't bite anybody. He has a chain around his neck that Ben now uses as a leash.}

BEN: Ah, isn't Georgia great, Alex?

ALEX: Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

BEN: Yeah, you said it buddy. Bloody Jay-Z, unleashing an Egyptian curse on us all. Where does he think he's getting off like that, all.. cursey and shit, huh?

ALEX: Guhhh....

{One of other survivors, a young girl, looks at Alex with suspicion. Her guardian interjects.}

LEE: You know Ben, I think you need to learn to let go. Your friend looks like he's suffering horribly. Why don't you just put a bullet in his head and bury him already?

BEN: What? Don't be silly, Alex is fine! He's just a little different, you know?

LEE: Ben, he's a walker. He's a danger to all of us. I mean, you don't know what he could do! Besides, he's freaking Clem out.

{Clementine backs away, towards Lee.}

KENNY: Yeah, either you get rid of him, or we get rid of you both!

BEN: Fuck off, Kenny! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!!!

KENNY: I SHOT MY FUCKING SON. MY FUCKING WIFE SHOT HERSELF TOO. OF COURSE I FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE YOU BASTARD.

CLEMENTINE: Lee, I'm scared!

LEE: Don't worry Clem, we're dealing with this.

ALEX: Guhhhhhhh.

BEN: You know what Alex, you're right. We don't need these losers anyway. We're fuckin' outta here. Assholes.

{Ben and Alex leave the gas station.}

BEN: What do we do now, Alex?

ALEX: Guhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

BEN: Go to the Coca-Cola factory? Why, that's a great idea!!

{Ben goes to the Coca-Cola factory, delighted, as a zombie tour guide shows him how the coke is made. }

WALTER WHITE: hi

WALTER WHITE: wrong drug oops

{rimshot}

{Ben is taken to the place where they make the Fanta.}

BEN: hey fanta remember when i liked this

{A tower of zombies rise out of the Fanta, and punch ben in the dick}

BEN: now i remember why i stopped drinking this. damnit zombies, you get rid of minaj's ass, you made a little girl sad? now you're ruining fanta!? YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!

ALEX: they killed me too

BEN: piss off white boy.

BEN: I need to do something about this egyptian curse.

{Ben goes to the library to study}

BEN: Right... I get it now. I get it. Yes! YES!!!

{Zoom out to reveal that Ben's reading The Hungry Caterpillar.}

BEN: HE TRULY WAS A HUNGRY CATERPILLAR!!

{Cut to the Georgia State Capitol, which has now been turned into a pyramid. Inside, the great Pharaoh Jay-Z is sitting at his throne, looking at his army of Georgia Zombies. Nicki Minaj is fanning him, while Kanye West and Rick Ross are locked in cages.}

KANYE: JAY, YOU'VE GONE TOO FUCKIN' FAR MAN. THIS SHIT WAS TACKY WHEN KATY PERRY DID IT, IT'S NOT MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU DO IT EITHER.

JAY-Z: Man, you're just bein' a hater.

KANYE: YOU PUT ME AND ROSS IN FUCKIN' CAGES, DUDE. OF COURSE I'M BEIN' A HATER!! I MEAN, I APPRECIATE YOU NOT TURNIN' US AND ALL BUT C'MON

RICK: kanye i'm hungry

KANYE: no rick its not supper time yet

JAY-Z: Don't you see, Kanye? I started off on the streets. I was fuckin' nothing. I rapped, but on the most part my mind was on survival. But eventually, I managed to get out. I managed to get a career, and then I joined the big leagues. I'm almost a fuckin' Billionaire. But I noticed something happening to me. The richer I got, the more casual I dressed. Less chains and more polo neck sweaters, thick rimmed glasses, plaid shirts. I had myself a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter. But you know what I no longer had? Style. My old clothes made me look even dorkier. I turned from a cool rapper into a dorky millionaire dad.

KANYE: Dude. What the fuck.

JAY-Z: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

KANYE: dude i have a wife and a daughter too you can just get better stylists instead of pullin' this whack pharaoh shit

JAY-Z: You may be right, Kanye. But it's too late. I've already waged war on the other Zombie Monarch. The King of Pop. Our armies fight at nightfall.

KANYE: whoa man what the hell we could be collaborating with MJ instead of trying to kill him again what is up with you

JAY-Z: NOBODY FUCKIN' LIKED MAGNA CARTA! I used to be one of the biggest rappers in the game! I WAS THE NEXT GENERATION! Now everyone just thinks I sold out. Imagine what they'd say if I collaborated with MJ!

KANYE WEST: i just did a song with sir paul and everyone really-

JAY-Z: Well fuck that. FUCK THAT. I'ma make a new album. Get me Rick Rubin and my wife. And a cat. It's fucking guest starring on my Egyptian themed album

{Nicki Minaj wanders off to find these people}

KANYE: For the first time in my dope life, I need help.

{Kanye prays}

KANYE: Someone, anyone. I need help. Goddamn-

{Cut to Ben back at the library, smacking it to pictures of pro wrestlers}

BEN: Wait...wait. Something's wrong, I can feel it. *sniff*. It's...it's Yeezus. He needs me! He needs my help! I'm comin, Yeezy!

{Ben rushes out the library, dick a flappin'. He makes it to Georgia to find Jay Z spitting fresh bars with Beyonce and a cat}

BEN: YEEZUS, YOU NEED MY HELP!

KANYE: i was kind of hoping more for divine intervention tbh

BEN: What do I do? How can I-

JAY Z: I feel stronger around this cat, Bey. My next song'll be a hit. I know it. I fucking know it.

{Jay Z notices Ben}

JAY Z: YOU! Get the fuck outta-

BEN: what

JAY Z: nice dick

BEN: ty.

KANYE: Ben! Over here!

BEN: What is it, my lord?

{Ben wanders over to Kanye, who whispers something in his ear}

BEN: ...I see. Jay Z, we know where you got your powers from. This curse? All of it? Egyptian. An ancient curse - centuries passed, given to you by the deities of the Egyptian pantheon. Ra.

JAY Z: YOU CAN'T STOP ME! ...can't stop me? SHIT, I NEED MACKLEMORE ON THE PHONE STAT

BEN: ENOUGH! NO! I WILL STOP YOU, JAY! THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS WORSHIPPED CATS! THAT'S WEAR YOUR POWER IS DRIVEN FROM! CATS! SO I CAN STOP YOU!

JAY Z: No! It is not possible!

{Ben reveals a knife, and lunges at the cat with it, to stab it. He succeeds, and throws its carcass to a tomb, as Jay drops to his knees, in tears.}

BEN: You said you liked my dick, Jay. I could have sex with you. I could have sex with the pharoah. But why would I? I already put the pussy in the sarcophagus.

{A montage of all the zombies reverting back to their human forms ensues. Cut to Zombie Michael Jackson, who is standing with his zombie army. Suddenly, they all get brought back to life by the curse being broken. Michael Jackson looks at his hands and realizes that he is alive again.}

MICHAEL: OH MY GOD, I AM ALIVE AGAIN. I AM ALIVE!!!!

{A huge swarm of shady lawyers, doctors and paparazzi surround Jackson to offer him their services. He is engulfed by them, doomed to celebrity purgatory.}

MICHAEL: and i regret it already

{Cut to the library where Alex was left off. The curse fades on him and he finds himself being brought back to life. He tries to look at his hands, only to realize that he doesn't have any. Or a jaw for that matter. He makes painful sounding gurgling noises as he begins to choke on his own blood. He writhes on the floor in excruciating pain for five minutes, waiting for the sweet embrace of death's immortal touch. He crawls on the floor, leaving a trail of blood as he goes, crying for mercy from this inhuman fate. God is dead. Cut back to the capitol, where Jay-Z is being arrested by the police.}

JAY-Z: And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for this meddling kid!!!! nice dick tho

KANYE: Wait!!

POLICEMAN: Huh?

KANYE: You can't arrest him! He's a celebrity!

POLICEMAN: Oh yes, that's right. Celebrities are above the law. Oops, our bad.

{The police leave as Ben is left bewildered}

BEN: But he tried to kill us, Kanye!

KANYE: True, but he's a celebrity. They're easy to forgive. In about a week, this will be all forgotten and everything will be fine again, I promise.

BEN: it doesnt seem right

KANYE: Maybe one day you'll understand when you're a celebrity. One day.

{Kanye, Nicki, Jay-Z, and Rick Ross all fly into the sunset with their magical celebrity powers.}

BEN: i wonder how alex is doing

{Cut back to Alex, who has covered the library in his own blood and is still screaming in eternal pain. Cut back.}

BEN: i'm sure he's fine

THE END