Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Florida

Ben and Alex ride the flow in Florida!

Transcript

{Ben and Alex touch down in the Miami airport. Funky 1980s synth is-..}

BEN: No.

ALEX: What are you talking about Ben?

BEN: No funky 80s synth, Alex. You promised me you wouldn't pull this 80s bullshit, you weren't even alive in the fucking 80s!

ALEX: But-..

BEN: NO BUTS ALEX, ONLY BUTTZ. NO 80S SHIT EITHER.

{Ben and Alex touch down in the Miami airport. The two emerge from the airport into the sunny streets of Miami in slow motion with Flo Rida's "Low" playing in the background. They're both wearing hawaiian shirts with white shorts and highly expensive rayban sunglasses.}

ALEX: FLORIDA. The sunny state of America. Home to excruciating heat, crazy meth heads, crappy laws, theme parks everywhere, rogue alligators, and rich white retirees who tend to be super rude. Isn't this the life, Ben?

{Alex turns around to see that Ben has already been eaten by an alligator.}

ALEX: Oh for fuck's

{Cut to the streets of Miami. Ben has been taped back together with scotch tape.}

BEN: alex im not liking florida already :(

ALEX: Eh, you'll be fine. You're made of SCOTCH tape! The finest of all tapes! Especially better than that there wankerin' arse English tape.

BEN: They don't even make English tape? I mean there's Duck Tape-

ALEX: That's what I meant, Dutch tape! I hate the Dutch. It's in my Scottish genes too.

BEN: i thought you just like scotch tape because you thought they made it with actual scotch

ALEX: {now visibly drunk, bottle of scrumpy in hand} yyyyya wanna fite, m8? ill fucking slap u up m8, swear on my tesco, u fucken lil cunt m8

{A passerby passes by}

PASSERBY: Excuuuuuse me, you did not just use the See You Next Tuesday word?

ALEX: KISS MY SWEATY BALLS, YA FAT FUCK!!!!

{Alex runs away, while Ben chases after him.}

BEN: alex that wasn't very nice

ALEX: neither are your cats, they're a bunch of f-..

BEN: fantastic creatures and don't you forget it!!!

{Alex bumps into a drug dealer.}

DRUG DEALER: hey bros do you want to do some meth

ALEX: What? That's a preposterous notion. Of course not.

BEN: Alex, what are you talking about? We can finally be Breaking Bad!

{Ben turns to the drug dealer.}

BEN: We'll buy 70 meth, please!!

{Ben pays the dealer and then gives some meth to Alex.}

BEN: okay so how do i do this

ALEX: Ben this isn't a good idea

BEN: Listen here, we have to adapt to the culture of the place we're staying or else it would be rude! So again, HOW DO WE DO THIS

ALEX: You... smoke it?

BEN: Inject it? Snort it? Stick it up my bumcrack?

ALEX: Yes, Ben. you stick the meth up your bumcrack

BEN: dont mind if i do!!!!

{Ben shoves the entire baggie of meth up his butt. His pupils dilate and his mouth starts foaming.}

ALEX: ben are u ok

{Ben's mouth foams even further}

ALEX: ben???

BEN: ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

{Ben then proceeds to go on a rabid face biting rampage, making local news headlines while doing so. The screen goes dark, and a red symbol reads "REC" in the corner. It is clear the perspective is now being shown through a handheld camera, in cinema verite style. The screen's night vision function activates, and we see Alex's face illuminated.}

ALEX: So...it's been three days. I'm still being stalked. There is nowhere to go. All I can do is try unravel this mystery.

{Alex turns off the night vision function, as the room he's in illuminates with neon colours: it's still mostly dark. He turns the camera away from his face, pointing it at a giant pair of sideburns.}

ALEX: Tom? You okay buddy?

TOM (the sideburns): I don't know why you're making me fucking do this.

{Tom launches into a coughing fit as the audio distorts and the screen tears. Screaming is heard as Tom collapses}

ALEX: Shit! Tom! Fuck!

{The distortion grows. Alex wildly flails the camera, and tries to give Tom the kiss of life. Tom is a pair of sideburns}

ALEX: Shit! Someone-

{The audio is ineligible. The camera flails again, and we see a glimpse of reflective eyes. Alex points the camera at Tom, then again at the eyes. The eyes are Ben's. Ben is much closer and the picture fails. Several seconds pass in darkness. Eventually we see again, through the camera lens, Tom on the floor - his sideburns are damaged, ben is holding a razor to them.}

BEN: COME ON, ALEX, PICK ONE!

ALEX: I CAN'T! I'M NO GOOD WITH DESICIONS!

BEN: EITHER YOU PICK A SIDEBURN, OR BOTH OF YOU FUCKING DIE, ALONG WITH THE REST OF THIS MISERABLE STATE.

{Alex starts crying as Tom coughs again.}

ALEX: I...I...

{An epiphany}

ALEX: I'm in Florida...I can't make a desicion...there's only one man whose advice I can rely on!

{Alex pulls out his phone and dials a number. It rings, then picks up. The voice on the other end responds as such.}

VOICE: Hello, this is George W. Bush speaking, how can I help you?

ALEX: Yeah, my friend stuffed meth up his buttcrack and is now going loose on us. He's already threatening Tom's sideburns.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Holy schmoly! Hold on, redcoat, I am on my way!!!

{Two hours later. Ben is still holding a razor to Tom's sideburns, while Alex looks visibly bored.}

ALEX: Any moment now.

{Four hours later. Tom is sleeping. Ben looks tired. Alex is now playing solitaire on his phone.}

ALEX: Just a little bit longer.

{Six hours later. Tom is awake, but in unable to move now that Ben has fallen asleep. Alex is now tired.}

ALEX: Y'know Tom, those sideburns kinda suck anyway.

TOM: It's not your choice to make, Alex! NOT YOUR FUCKING-...

{The sound of several helicopters can be heard in the distance as CCR's Fortunate Son can be heard being played from the helicopters intercom system. The head helicopter arrives, George W. Bush in tow, along with Dick Cheney.}

GEORGE W. BUSH: DON'T WORRY SIDEBURNS, WE'LL SAVE YA!! DICK, RELEASE THE AGENT ORANGE!!!

ALEX: Wait, no, WHAT THE FUCK GEORGE?

GEORGE W. BUSH: THIS IS A RESCUE OPERATION, ALEX! WE'RE LIBERATIN' YA!!!

ALEX: But, but... THIS IS CRAZY!

{Dick Cheney (who is a cyborg) presses a few buttons on himself and releases the Agent Orange into the jungles of Vietlorida. He can be seen in the shadows, tripping over himself as he walks.}

ALEX: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE JUST DONE?

GEORGE W. BUSH: JUSTICE, IS WHAT WE'VE DONE. FAREWELL, CITIZEN.

{The helicopters fly off as Agent Orange staggers forward towards Ben, Tom, and Alex.}

AGENT ORANGE: Hyuk, hyuk.

ALEX: This is too much to bear! Sorry Tom, but you're on your own!

{Alex runs off as Agent Orange closes in on Tom and Ben. As he steps out of the shadows, he reveals himself to be an anthropomorphic dog in blue jeans, an orange sweater, a green hat, and a black vest. It is none other than Goofy Goof.}

GOOFY: Under the private military contract of 2001, I am placin' y'all under arrest!

{Ben wakes up just to notice Goofy arresting him.}

BEN: Oh, fuck.

{Goofy handcuffs Ben and Tom, before throwing them into a truck. Alex is seeing this happen from the distance.}

ALEX: Shit, they've been kidnapped!

{Cut to the interior of George W. Bush's helicopter. Dick Cheney looks confused.}

DICK CHENEY: Um, George?

GEORGE W. BUSH: What's up, Dick?

DICK CHENEY: When you said we had Agent Orange, I thought you meant the weapon.

GEORGE W. BUSH: What are ya talkin' about, silly? That was the weapon!

DICK CHENEY: No, I mean, I thought the plan was to literally bombard them with highly lethal herbicide, subjecting them to a long and agonizing death? You know, like we always do?

GEORGE W. BUSH: Cheney, you talk too much. Talk too silly, y'hear? I just wanted to assure they got sent to the happiest place on Earth!

{Cut to Orlando, Florida. Ben and Tom are chained up in a secret room, ready to be interrogated. The light turns on, revealing the room to be Disney World's secret torture room. A short tempered duck walks into the scene, ready to ask them questions.}

DONALD DUCK: Alright, cocksuckers. I don't know what you've both done, and I don't care. But you two have some explaining to do.

TOM: Doesn't that mean you do care?

DONALD DUCK: ...I guess it does. I guess it does mean I care.

TOM: Well, it all started when I was a little child, growing up in the rural countryside of Wales...

BEN: hey donald why don't you wear trousers

DONALD DUCK: Wait, what?

BEN: yeah

BEN: you don't have a willy

DONALD DUCK: What? Of course I do!

BEN: then why don't you wear trousers

DONALD DUCK: I don't know, why do you wear trousers?

BEN: so people don't see my willy. because i have one.

DONALD DUCK: So do I!

BEN: then where is it

DONALD DUCK: I'm not going to discuss that stuff with you! How would you feel if I asked you invasive questions about your dick?

BEN: it would make me HARD

{A small mousy figure walks through the doors, his boots squeaking as he walks. He is a mouse. He is Mickey Mouse.}

MICKEY MOUSE: Alright, alright. What's going on here?

BEN: tbh i actually don't know.

MICKEY MOUSE: Alright, alright, alright. Is my good friend Donald hurting your feelings?

BEN: well it's more like he's threatening to waterboard me and my friend....tom

MICKEY MOUSE: Alright, alright, alright, alright. Who's Tom?

BEN: idk. tom who are you?

TOM: I am the alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end. The past and the future.

BEN: wait what

TOM: That's just what I named my sideburns.

{Donald Duck vioently whips Tom with a belt}

DONALD DUCK: I CAN HAVE SIDEBURNS TOO! YOU'D NEED A PENIS TO EFFECTIVELY GROW THOSE, AND I HAVE A PENIS!

MICKEY MOUSE: Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright. Donald, calm down. What's the issue.

DONALD FUCK: There is no issue! But there is a penis! A meaty one! LOOK AT IT, MICKEY!

ALEX: im still here.

DONALD DUCK: LOOK AT MY PENIS, BITCH BOY! LOOK! AT! IT!

{Donald Duck pulls out a gat and shoots Alex, then himself. How? He found a way. A brief silence follows}

MICKEY MOUSE: Hot Dog!

{Alex is lying on the floor dying. He coughs up blood.}

ALEX: I-... I- was going to save you Ben... I didn't even know how I got here...

{Alex dies. Mickey Mouse picks up his body.}

MICKEY MOUSE: HA HA! I am so sorry for your loss. Don't worry, I know the best thing we can do with him.

{Cut to Alex, who's now been placed into a carbonite chamber under the Disney World complex. Ben and Mickey look upon him, and share some kind words.}

BEN: he was a cunt tbh

MICKEY MOUSE: I knew that Lucasart deal was a good idea. You will not believe all the cool shit they gave us.

BEN: Really?

MICKEY MOUSE: Oh yeah, I got to show you the Tie Fighters, they're fuckin' amazing! Ha Ha!

BEN: you know its kinda weird to hear you swear mickey

MICKEY MOUSE: And it's kinda weird for a mouse to sniff coke from a pop singer's buttcrack, but it's not like we haven't done that either!

BEN: yeah i really haven't

MICKEY MOUSE: Man, what have you been doing? Come on, right now. You, me, and Demi. RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!

BEN: look mickey i appreciate the bonding but this is just getting weird

MICKEY MOUSE: Have you ever injected heroin into your dick?

BEN: n-no.....

MICKEY MOUSE: Man, you need to try it some time. A bit of heroin in your dick and it's like a fuckin... ENGINE. Minnie loves it. Daisy loves it too. Donald just loves watching me screw his girlfriend while he watches, HAH. That no dick loser!

BEN: mickey what in the everloving fuck is wrong with you

MICKEY MOUSE: What's wrong with ME!?! It's the rest of the world that's wrong! If I'm wrong, I don't wanna be right.

BEN: I can't even imagine you with a dick!

MICKEY MOUSE: Let me show you!

{Mickey mouse removes a single glove, to reveal he has penises for fingers}

BEN: bloody hell mickey

{Cut to a long time.. later. In a galaxy far away. Alex steps out of his carbonite chamber, surrounded by heavy machinery. Immediately he is greeted by a cloaked figure.}

????: Excellent. You are awake. Come to me, Darth Moosekilt.

{Alex takes a step forward. It is revealed that he is HALF MACHINE.}

ALEX: are you richard nixon

????: No? Why, my boy. I am Walter Elias Disney, founder of the Disney Empire.

ALEX: oh because the robot thing was done before

WALT DISNEY: Excuse me?

ALEX: yeah richard nixon made my friend ben into a robot and then a nuke dropped on us and killed us so i'm kinda scared rn

WALT DISNEY: Oh. Of all people, Richard Nixon? That guy?

ALEX: what did you revive me for anyway

WALT DISNEY: To serve as my assistant as we take over and rule the galaxy!

ALEX: look i appreciate the star wars references but i am just tired now i think i might just sleep good night :)

{Alex crawls into bed. Walt sits next to him, tucks him in and strokes his hair. He starts to sing, with the voice of an angel}

WALT DISNEY: Why do birds...suddenly appear? Every time? You are near?

{The screen fades into Alex's dreamscape, as Walt continues to sing, his voice taking on a ghostly form. Alex is flying in space, in his pyjamas}

WALT DISNEY: Just like me...they long to be...close to you...

{Alex flies and sees a crack in the skyscape, a brilliant, glowing light eminating from within. He smiles, the light warming him, welcoming him. The orchestral backing for Walt's voice swells and Alex gently, slowly, flies in. He sees a woman - a faceless woman - but with wings as brilliant as the day, and skin as beautiful as the night. She beckons Alex to join him in the crack. He floats, slowly, slowly in, finally at peace. The screen fades to white, before an image of Alex's face appears, the words "Rest in Peace Alexander Jared Padelecki, 1994-2015" appear under him, as the music fades. Smash cut to Mickey violently fucking Demi Lovato as she moans in ecstasy, Ben watching distraught}

BEN: Tom please help

TOM: Why didn't you just ask?

{Time reverses - Ben and Alex find themselves in Tampa Bay, sans Tom, or Walt, or Mickey, or anyone.}

BEN: Gee, that was really scary Alex, what happened?

ALEX: We...did some bad stuff. Crystal meth.

BEN: Oh my gosh!

{Alex turns to look directly at you}

ALEX: Meth. Not even once.

BEN: hey what if i stuck it in my buttcrack

{END.}