Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/California

In this episode, Ben and Alex find themselves in California, facing up to surfer dudes, hollywood, and horrible earthquakes, while even having an encounter with none other than Richard Nixon himself.

Special Guest Appearances: Sirrus and Dane!!

Transcript

{Ben and Alex touch down in sunny San Francisc-}

ALEX: ben that's the gay capital of the world

{Ben and Alex touch down in Los Angeles airport, ready to shake and rumble}

BEN: did you remember your sun tan lotion. also steroids

ALEX: How can I forget steroids, i AM STEROIDS

{Alex has a herculean physique and tiny balls}

BEN: dude i can't imagine that being healthy for y-..

{Alex picks Ben up and smashes him into the ground}

ALEX: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WHOREMONGERING BASTARD I WILL FUCKING SHRED YOUR BODY FROM LIMB TO LIMB AND I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT TURDFUCKING JABRONI HOLY FUCKING DICKSUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK BITCH I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU AND DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE IN LIFE YOU DISGUSTING AWFUL CRETIN FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

BEN: alex stop pmsing

{Alex calms down}

ALEX: ...Sorry about that, I get a little on edge sometimes.

{Ben and Alex take a walk down to muscle beach}

JOCK COOLGUY: Yo, totally, dude, totally, yeah! Hollywood! Welcome to Cali, brother! Totally!

BEN: Hello, we were wondering-

JOCK COOLGUY: Woaaah, totally, check out the British dudes here!! Totally! Should have totaled from your lack of a tan, brother!

ALEX: Yeah, hi, we

JOCK COOLGUY: Come on brother, arm wrestle! Totally!

BEN: alex you do it you are captain roids

{Alex and Jock prepare to arm wrestle it out. Alex raises his sleeves, IRISH style, and the two go at it. Like an unstoppable force hitting an unmovable object, the two stay in the same position of struggle for an entire month. The Jock dies of starvation and Alex wins.}

ALEX: yay i won

{DA JOCK hits the floor, causing a tremendous thud}

BEN: that was p. impressive man, seriously

{The thud is still going}

ALEX: I agree. So how about we get ice-cream and talk to these FULL-FIGURED MAMASITAS?

{THE THUD IS STILL GOING}

BEN: alex i think there's an earthquake

{THE THUD IS AN EARTHQUAKE}

ALEX: wut

BEN: California has earthquakes like every goddamn day, this whole city's going to crumble!

ALEX: well, gee, we're boned. unless another president or johnny cash or someone tries to help us maybe!!

TWO UNSEEN VOICES: We can help you!!

BEN: holy crow it was foretold

{the two unseen voices are dane and gavin}

DANE AND GAVIN: we are dumb

and also gay lovers

heueehruehrhuer

{Gavin runs towards Ben and Alex, but he is brutally hit by a speeding truck and is torn to bloody and gory shreds by the impact. Dane looks upon the grisly death as he begins to cry and shit himself.}

DANE: oh noooo i'm crying and shitting myself my doctor said this would be fatal

{Dane carries on shitting himself until he begins to die from shit anemia. Suddenly he implodes, leaving no traces of his body except for an immaculately coiled turd. The Earthquake does away with them even more as the cracks of the ground open and they fall into it, only to repair itself. All is well. Vanilla Ice kisses his husband Noxigar on the cheek.}

BEN: So how do we escape

ALEX: We're in California, DUDE! SURFBOARDS! AND THE TIDE'S COME IN, BRO!

BEN: alex that's a tsunami caused by fault line

{Ben and Alex surf the tsunami. Also wearing sunglasses. Surfer music plays and Batman does some surfing too. Eventually they make peace in a HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STUDIO. senor spielbergo is directing hot actors and actresses about the set of some boring film called "Wikihood: The Movie" or some shit}

SPIELBERG: Man, this is going to be my greatest hit!

ALEX: Just like AI?????

SPIELBERG: Fuck off, we don't talk about AI around here. This is more than some shitty robot film, this is art! This is...

{Zoom in on Spielberg's face.}

SPIELBERG: Wikihood!

BEN: sounds lame

ALEX: No, I'm intrigued! So much potential! So much plot! So much MIDDLE EASTERN HISTORY!

BEN: alex wikihood is bad and i hate you

BEN: Alex, you're right. This does seem pretty cool.

SPIELBURG: You're in! Alex, you play a pompous Brit! Ben, you play a sacrifice. Have you heard of "method acting?"

BEN: Yes, what's the plan?

SPIELBERG: im gonna fucken murder u right on camera as a sacrifice to my superiors who run the media and also the world on account of being jewish

BEN: wait what

SPIELBERG: oh it's not biggie just get in camera

{Ben walks into the film set which looks suspiciously like an ancient and ominous Indian temple.}

BEN: so where do i sit

SPIELBERG: Oh, just sit at the sacrifice alter!

BEN: okay, but only because i liked ET

{Ben goes to sit at the sacrifice alter, and Spielberg dresses as an ancient indian mystic. Fires burn as Spielberg approaches Ben, with his hand in a claw motion. Several Indian mystics start chanting as they all approach Ben.}

MYSTICS: KALI-MA. KALI-MA. KALI-MA.

BEN: what

SPIELBERG: KALI-MA, KALI-MA, KALI-MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

{Spielberg digs his hand into Ben's chest and rips out his still-beating heart.}

SPIELBERG: THE SACRIFICE IS COMPLETE!!!!

ALEX: Did... did you just kill my travel buddy?

SPIELBERG: Why, yes. Yes I did.

ALEX: Oh. That's... unfortunate.

SPIELBERG: You still want to be in the film?

ALEX: Well, of course I do!!

{The amount of time it takes to make a multi-million dollar film later, Lex is at the red carpet ceremony.}

ALEX: Wow, I can't believe I'm a Hollywood star now! All it took was the loss of my self-worth and my best travel buddy!

{Suddenly, the red carpet ceremony explodes, as Alex is greeted by Ben, who blew up the entire thing. As a cyborg.}

BEN: Greetings, Alex. Long time, no see.

ALEX: Oh... Ben. Nice of you to join me once again. How was death?

BEN: LIKE A THOUSAND FIREY DAGGERS BEING STABBED INTO MY DICK.

ALEX: So... a regular Sunday, then?

BEN: Pretty much.

ALEX: Cool. So who rebuilt you, then?

BEN: Oh? It was none other than former President of the US, Richard Nixon.

ALEX: You...you don't mean

BEN: I do

ALEX: Is, is he here with you?

{Ben smiles widely}

BEN: Right here

ALEX: Oh my god!

{Richard Nixon turns the corner}

NIXON: I'm back son!!!!!

ALEX: Mom!!

NIXON: Mommy's home! And she promises she's never leaving again!

{Alex and Nixon share a passionate embrace and cry as the press in the audience, as well as Ben, cheer on. Some throw flowers}

NIXON: Come on, son. We're going out for ice-cream!

ALEX: Cool, can Ben come?

NIXON: Ben? Who's Ben?

ALEX: The cyborg guy, he's my friend-

NIXON: GUY!!?!!?!?! FRIEND?!?!!? WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BRINGING DIRTY TRAMPS LIKE HIM HOME WITH YOU!?!?? FUCKING SLUT PROBABLY TAKES MORE MEAT THAN A SUBWAY SAMMICH!!! WHY DID I RAISE MY SON LIKE THIS

ALEX: MOM! PLEASE!

NIXON: NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT ALEX!! NIXON???? NUMBER 1! GERALD FORD???? NUMBER 1! BEN??? ACHT-POOIE

{Nixon floats off}

{A nuke drops on California, killing everyone and everything in it, including Ben and Alex.}

THE END.