Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Arizona

nicholas cage

Transcript

{Ben and Alex touch down in Phoenix Airport}

BEN: Phoenix you know it's funny because we're like PHOENIXES we have BEEN REBORN

ALEX: ben what are you talking about

BEN: I don't honestly know. anyway my travel guide says the only thing in arizona is some canyon

ALEX: god damn is it hot in here or is it hot in here

BEN: it's pretty hot in here

ALEX: well we're in the desert, i guess it's natural to be hot around here

BEN: you know what we should do

ALEX: what ben

{ben rips all his clothes off}

BEN: take off our clothes

ALEX: ben no!!!!

{It was too late. Ben had already taken his clothes off and begun streaking around the airport. Alex was powerless to stop him as he ran throughout the terminals, letting his british dingle free like dust in the wind}

BEN: THE BRITISH EMPIRE SHALL RISE AGAIN

{two hours and one felony later, ben is sitting in county jail for indecent exposure. The prison guard walks up to the doors and opens them.}

PRISON GUARD: Yer' free, bud.

BEN: Who bailed me out?

PRISON GUARD: Your friend did.

{Alex comes from behind the prison guard. Ben is so happy that he strips naked again and begins to run around the police station. Two hours and another felony later.}

PRISON GUARD: He paid bail again.

BEN: Oh Alex!!

ALEX: Just get the hell out of there before you decide to break the law again

BEN: Okee.

{Ben carries around a large and threatening weapon that is not his dick. the guards don't seem to mind}

ALEX: So, the Grand Canyon. Let's look around.

{The Grand Canyon}

ALEX: And that's why caribou are the best.

{Ben and Alex run into a native american}

NATIVE AMERICAN: Hello, my friend. We wish peace and harmony and hair braiding.

BEN: alex are these indians red dot or woo woo

ALEX: woo woo, ben

NATIVE AMERICAN: You two are from Great Britain, am I right?

ALEX: Why yes, yes we are.

NATIVE AMERICAN: Splendid. Let us show you around our home.

{The Native American guides Alex and Ben to a reservation}

BEN: Wow, such rich and beautiful culture

NATIVE AMERICAN: I inherit from my fatha

ALEX: That's nice. BOY AM I HUNGRY

{Alex pulls out a tim hortons doughnut and gobbles it down}

ALEX: yummers, now to wash it down

{Alex pulls out a bag of milk and drinks it, discarding the wrapper}

BEN: Alex, no, you can't litter around native americans, it makes them cry.

{Ben looks over at the native american who is beginning to cry}

ALEX: Oh, god, I'm so sorry, really-

{Alex sees the native americans eyes are glowing. Suddenly, he fires lasers out of his eyes, which hit alex and send him flying into some beautiful rocks.}

BEN: Alex!!! You dumb fucker!!

ALEX: That's not cool. That's not cool at all!!

{Alex starts screaming. Suddenly he begins to glow and his hair turns red and white.}

BEN: WHAT IS THIS

ALEX: I HAVE GONE BEYOND THE LEVEL OF AN ORDINARY CANADIAN. I AM A SUPER-CANADIAN.

NATIVE AMERICAN: So, you are the Super Canadian of legend, huh? Well, watch this!

{The Native American does a dance and he begins to enfuse with the spirits of his ancestors, turning him into a Super Spectral Native American.}

BEN: Wait!! I can also play at this game!

{Ben crouches down and begins to scream, in order to bring on a transformation. But he just poops himself.}

BEN: Darn it.

{Suddenly, ben jumps in and becomes Hollow Omega Super Sayan Gaijan Darth Vader Ben. then he dies because he's not a 2008 era im a bell.}

ALEX: ben stop dying before i kill you some more

{Native American dude grows 50 feet, and goes on a Godzilla style rampage through the Grandest of all Canyons. Suddenly, from the sky comes Marlon Brando, dressed like he was in the island of dr moreau}

ALEX: Marlon Brando!! I'm so glad you came, we need your help to-...

{Marlon Brando punches Alex in the face.}

MARLON BRANDO: wut r u dong u fuckin disrespect indijnus peple u fukin hor

ALEX: No, Mr. Brando, it was a misunderstanding!

MARLON BRANDO: man i orta giv ya a pees uf mh mind bitch

ALEX: Marlon, please spare me! I didn't mean to be racist! It was all ben's idea! he votes for the BNP and buys the daily mail! please!

MARLON: dere is no escuse 4 what you have done

ALEX: Please, MAN, i'll do anything

{implied fellatio}

MARLON BRANDO: ur one fit bird and u bak it up consistantlee. anyway i wil now help you

{Marlon Brando turns into an eagle and flies over to the giant native american, explaining the situation and stuff. The giant native american also turns into an eagle and they both fly back to Ben and Alex}

NATIVE AMERICAN: We have decided to forgive you both for your arrogance.

ALEX: Awh, swell, see it was all just a big misunderstanding.

NATIVE AMERICAN: If you can beat us in....A GENTLEMANS DUEL!!!!

BEN: hey im still alive

NATIVE AMERICAN: 2V2! WINNER TAKES ALL!

{Ben and Alex look at each other.}

ALEX: Ben, you know what needs to be done.

BEN: Right. It's now or never. Let's do this.

{Ben leans in for a kiss but Alex pushes him away}

ALEX: No not that, a duel!

BEN: Oh right... I knew that. A duel.

{Ben grabs a very large gun. Native American grabs a poison bow. Marlon Brando counts down from ten, and Ben and our Native American friends take steps on every number}

MARLON BRANDO: wogh...teugh...free...fourgh...fief...secks...seffen...eight...noin...tin!!!

{Ben and the Native American turn around and shoot. Bens gun was out of ammo, the poison arrow of the Native American inexplicably does a 360 and nails the native american in the butt.}

BEN: I win I win I win

{Marlon Brando shuffles towards Alex and puts his hand on his shoulder.}

MARLON BRANDO: naw its ur tern yung man

ALEX: I'm ready, Marlon. I'm ready.

{Alex pulls out a crossbow while Marlon Brando pulls out his silent dwarf clone friend, Kevin}

KEVIN: ...

MARLON BRANDO: lets duh thes

{Marlon Brando picks up Kevin and throws him at Alex, who simply catches him and throws him to the side. Marlon Brando is now defenseless. Alex aims the crossbow at his head while Marlon Brando just stands there, motionless.}

ALEX: I... I... can't do it, Ben! I can't shoot Marlon Brando!

BEN: You have to. It's the only way we can win. Unless... you want me to do it for you?

ALEX: No, Marlon Brando was my dog. I'll do it.

{Alex shoots Marlon Brando square in the chest, knocking him down with a fatal wound. Alex rushes to Marlon Brando's side.}

MARLON BRANDO: yuh did et. yuh wun.

ALEX: Don't die, Marlon Brando! We can save you, really, we can!

MARLON BRANDO: ets too late. um prode of yuh. luve lung and pruspah.

{Marlon Brando dies as Alex looks into the sky and yells.}

ALEX: :NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-...

{Cut to Alex and Ben in their car, driving back to the airport}

ALEX: :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:O:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:O:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO:OOO:OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOHHH WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?

BEN: your mum

ALEX: :(

BEN: So anyway, Arizona. If you could sum up this whole experience in one word, what would it be?

ALEX: arizona

BEN: true dat

{End}