An attempt at a mystery

Homestar, Marzipan, Strong Bad, the KOT, and Homsar. True, they knew they'd all be together at some point, but not like this.

You see, someone was killed.

It turns out that Coach Z, dressed in his whale suit, was found dead in front of Blubbo's. Blood was seeping out of the victims costume, staining the grass with a maroon tone. The lack of smudging told he died right there.

Bubs, smelling an incident, rushed onto the scene, decked in a trench coat and fedora. "Alright, now which of you done it?" He asked, in an attempt to get a confession. Eyes turned towards Strong Bad.

"Hey, don't look at me!" He said. "I didn't want him dead!"

"Don't try that!" Marzipan said. "I know he was caught stealing your money. You might have killed him for it!"

"Well, look who's talking!" Strong Bad said. "He stole from you, too!"

"All right, settle down, young'uns!" Bubs said. "What about the three of you? Fess up to your motives now!"

"Well, I didn't totally had a not totally motive definitely!" Homestar said, sweating bullets.

"He was the one who burned down that gazebo, wasn't he?" Bubs said.

"Nah, that was me." Strong Bad said. "But he did almost kill him."

"So the piano didn't just go onto the imaginary third floor, and fall onto your leg while you were suspiciously in a lawn chair in the pond?" The king asked.

"And ain't you the one who was always arguing with him?" Bubs asked.

"Yeah..." The king said.

"Don't twice, tugs, or the fifth will turnover the spanner box!" Homsar pronounced.

"...I'll take that as another motive." Bubs said. "Now, empty y'all's pockets and such!" He demanded, shaking his fist in the air.

The posessions were as follows

HOMESTAR: A few marshmallows, a fondue fork, a paperweight

MARZIPAN: A tiny whale figurine, that hideous necklace homestar gave her, some seal safe lipstick, her wallet, a note (find missing $36)

STRONG BAD: A totally not suspicious pistol, a cold one, thirty six dollars, a poorly edited photo of himself punching a bear

THE KOT: A TV dinner, a pen, some bills, a pair of reading glasses

HOMSAR: A stop sign, a rusty fork, some guitar string

"Hm, yes, interesting..." Bubs said, making a note to himself. "Now, let's see the body."

After taking a few photos of the scene, he removed the cotume head from the body. Sure enough, there was a wound on the back of his head. Unfortunately, someone had tried to alter the wound. The murder weapon was spun around in the wound, making a molding impossible.

"One more thing; let's hear any reasons you couldn't have done it!" Bubs said.

"I was with marzipan all day!" Homestar said.

"I was with homestar all day!" Marzipan said in unison.

"Look, I had a motive, but come on! We... had... a hhheist planned?" Argued Strong Bad.

"I barely knew the man!" The KOT said.

"Brunhilda's strabbles!" Homsar said.

"Well, that's that!" Bubs said. "I know who did it!"

GIVEN THAT BUBS AND COACH Z ARE INNOCENT, AND THAT ONLY TWO SUSPECTS LIED AT THE END, WHO KILLED COACH Z, AND WITH WHAT?

---

The KOT stabbed him to death with a pen.

Because the weapon was spun around in the wound, the victim must have been stabbed, ruling out Strong Bad and Marzipan. Homestar was with Marzipan all day, giving him an alibi. Homsar lacks the brain function to know what murder is. And the only sharp object the king had was a pen. In addition, the king's reasoning, "I barely knew the man", condraticts the fact he was constantly fighting with the late departed.

Luckily, the Coach wasn't actually dead. He hired one of the many ridiculous fan characters to fill in for him that day, who ended up being killed. Since no one cared about the victim, the case was dismissed.