Airstar Flyer Emails For Now/stressed

{We start with Airstar hunched over his computer with a suit shirt on and a loosened tie. He is using a calculator to calculate expenses and he is adjacent to three empty coffee cups and one full one.}

AIRSTAR:Oh, god. This recession is affecting me in the worse possible way. I'm so stressed. What's this? 10,00 DOLLARS FOR DRY CLEANING? WHAT THE HELL HAVE WE BEEN DRY CLEANING?!

{Cut to The Chuck at the dry cleaners with Bubs handing bloody garments to him.}

THE CHUCK:These'll be cleaned, right?

BUBS:If the price is right...

{The Chuck slips him 100 dollars and he takes the clothes.}

BUBS:What happened to these anyway?

THE CHUCK:Um, It's...lolipop stains...'cause I like those...and stuff.

BUBS:You know, within the last three and a half years I have rarely seen you with a lolipop.

THE CHUCK:Well. 1-Up Cheatachu had less ambitous plans for me. He wanted me to end up owning a hat store in Stuttchgart. Now i'm trading in bloody garments to be cleaned so I won't end up in the slammer. Guess 1-Up Cheatachu wanted me to be less lascivious.

BUBS:Probably. Now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go look up "lascivious".

{Cut back to Airstar.}

AIRSTAR:Oh god, I gotta check my E-Mail.

{Airstar gets on his Cloudy and presses the icon.}

AIRSTAR:{Singing like that guy from that song "Golddigger"} The Chuck took my money! WHEN I'M IN NEEED! Oh, he's a golddigger. Yes indeed.

Dear Airstar Flyer,
You may have tainted food in your house, and we must investigate!
Because we do business right. Don't mess around with the FDA!
'cause we gonna jack you up, and you ain't gonna get saved!
Your love, the FDA

AIRSTAR:Oh, great. Now this! WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG?!

{Zoom out to full view. Darknight walks in.}

DARKNIGHT:Hey there.

{Airstar turns around.}

AIRSTAR:Hey.

DARKNIGHT:You might want to elaborate to your viewer what's going on here.

AIRSTAR:Oh, right. Well if it was August 2008 Darkni-oh, hold on, I get it now. You said my viewer would need to be explained to.

DARKNIGHT:Yeah.

AIRSTAR:OHH!

DARKNIGHT:That was the joke.

AIRSTAR:Yeah, because I have very low viewership.

DARKNIGHT:Yep. You got it.

AIRSTAR:Ahh. I see now. That's funny.

DARKNIGHT:Yes, I would say so.

AIRSTAR:Okay. Anyway let me start off at the exact letter I was last at. Ght walking into my room would be a bad thing and would lead to a convuluted semi-plot to go on for a season and a half. But not anymore because Darknight is my friend. We became friends after Darknight sudden;y stopped caring about the calendar dispute from the 1980's and Bono suddenly stopped caring about AIDS relief in Africa. So now we're buddies. DEAL WITH IT.

DARKNIGHT:Actually we're not really buddies, more like good friends because, people might not realize this but I am a woman.

AIRSTAR:Yeah.

DARKNIGHT:So, what's up?

AIRSTAR:Well, this recession is making my brain explode with tumors. And i'm not joking. Also, the FDA is all up in my face about "food". So not good things are up.

DARKNIGHT:Cool. Wanna go get high?

{Cut to Schoolstar standing next to the front door in the blimp.}

SCHOOLSTAR:Any time now...

{The doorbell rings.}

SCHOOLSTAR:I knew it!

{Schoolstar opens the door to see a man in a dark suit climb in from the ladder.}

MAN IN SUIT:Hello. Is your life so sad that you've been waiting by the door for someone, just anyone to ring the bell so you could talk to somebody?

SCHOOLSTAR:{Looks down.} Yeah. How did you know?

MAN IN SUIT:I use to be a Physcoanalyst. Then I became an FDA official after this one guy really freaked me out. He reminds me of you.

SCHOOLSTAR:Uh-huh. Who do you want? Because usually when someone in a suit comes in they're from some badass agency like the FBI or the CIA or at least the IRS. But you're from...the Food and Drug Administration.

FDA OFFICIAL:Yes. I'm Agent Silas Russle. FDA. And i'm here to raid your fridge for any...illegal or...tainted food...and we might eat them to make sure...they aren't...tainted.

SCHOOLSTAR:Okay. Do you have a warrant?

FDA OFFICIAL:I have a note from my mother warranting me to do this.

{Hands him note.}

SCHOOLSTAR:Okay. This seem legit. Raid away. Although I think the Peanut Butter has Salmonella.

SILAS RUSSLE:Okay. I'm going in.

{Cut to Silas raiding the fridge.}

SILAS RUSSLE:Uh, there's a chicken pot pie, {Stands up with Chicken pot pie in hand.} that may be contaminated I must inspect this with my mouth.

{Homestar comes in.}

HOMESTAR:Hey, Schoolstar.

SCHOOLSTAR:Hello.

HOMESTAR:What is thus guy named Silas doing here and what's with his weird name?

SILAS:{Mouth full} My name's Silas and i'm from the {Unintelligible}

HOMESTAR:Yeah you are. Now I was wondering if I could borrow this blimp. I want to impress girls at the library with it.

SCHOOLSTARUse my BMW.

{Tosses him the keys.}

HOMESTAR:Thanks. Now i'm gonna go get my license from the DMV.

{Speeds off.}

SCHOOLSTAR:Auh! Uh...I don't care anymore. I don't really care about anything anymore.

{Cut to Darknight and Airstar watching TV.}

AIRSTAR:This show sucks.

VOICE FROM TV:Oh, Maria! I like saying your name over and over again!

AIRSTAR:Change it.

{Darknight changes it.}

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S VOICE FROM TV:Based on mutual interest, and mutual respect.

AIRSTAR:Next!

{Silas busts into the room holding a cheese grader.}

SILAS:THIS IS THE FDA, FREEZE OR I'LL...GRADE YOU! They, they don't give us a gun. Now, I know you're trafficking illegal...potatoes. From Mexico. That is actually a crime, believe it or not.

AIRSTAR:Uh, I don't have potatoes...uh, are you crazy? {Starts sweating.}

{Coach Z walks in with a jacket on.}

COACH Z:Uh, hey. Do you got any..."potatoes"?

AIRSTARUh, dude, what are you talking about? I don't have any potatoes!

SILAS:Than what are...{Ducks down and pulls bag of potatoes out from unde couch.} THESE?

{To be continued...the paper comes down.}