Absurd Pokemon: Strong Bad Edition

{Strong Bad's gaze is fixed at the floor beneath him. In one hand he holds a steak knife—the other, a bottle of tranquilizers. One would come before the other, if all went according to plan. Strong Bad squeezes his eyes shut for a couple seconds, getting the few tears he has left out of his eyes.}

STRONG BAD: Great Allah, if you... {sharp inhale} if you have any words... before I go. Please, tell me. If you want to stop me, now's the t-time.

{Suddenly, Homestar Runner runs in (predictably).}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Hey, Strong Bad! How's it goin'?

{Strong Bad falls silent. He does not turn to greet his friendly rival.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad? Wh-what's wrong?

STRONG BAD: Homestar. I want you to leave.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: But why? Are... are you okay?

{Strong Bad shudders.}

STRONG BAD: Homestar, I'm not okay.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Are you... are you sick?

STRONG BAD: Yes. Homestar, I'm sick.

{Homestar tilts his body to see what Strong Bad's holding.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Is that a knife?

STRONG BAD: Yes.

{The room falls deathly silent.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad, you... {voice wavers} you don't have to do this!

STRONG BAD: No. No, I have to.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No!

{Homestar runs up to Strong Bad and grabs the knife. Strong Bad pulls back, and the two engage in a tug-of-war before Strong Bad finally gets the upper hand and pulls the knife away. One can see that Homestar has cut his "hand" during the struggle.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad! Put the knife down!

STRONG BAD: No! No, I won't! I need to do this!

{Strong Bad opens the bottle of tranquilizers and swallows a fistful.}

STRONG BAD: Now, in... in just a few seconds, I should be almost out.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad!

{Strong Bad puts the knife—droplets of Homestar's blood still hot on the blade—up to his neck.}

STRONG BAD: I won't... I won't feel a thing.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: STRONG BAD!

{Strong Bad makes a slit with the knife, and crimson blood begins to ooze out of the wound.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Strong Bad, wh-why? Why are you doing this?!

STRONG BAD: {trembling} Do you... know? How many demons I have? Do you know... what it's like? The stress and pain and anguish of being me?

{Strong Bad drops to his knees. Rivulets of blood snake their way down Strong Bad's chest; some streams soaking into his black pants, some dropping onto the carpet, staining it a deep red.}

STRONG BAD: It's hard. Homestar, it's hard to keep living. I'm... I want to get away.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {slowly backing away, reaching for a phone} No, Strong Bad, no. No, I'm going to save you.

STRONG BAD: {coughs} Leave me! Leave me be, Homestar!

{Homestar Runner starts dialing 9-1-1.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: No! I'm not letting you die on me! {yelling} Somebody help! Strong Bad's— Strong Bad's hurt! Get a towel!

{Cut to a POV shot from Strong Bad's eyes. The world is slowly blurring before his eyes. He can very faintly hear Homestar calling for help on the phone, and he can barely make out the images of The Cheat and Strong Mad coming to save him. Suddenly, he is pinned to the ground by Strong Mad as The Cheat holds a towel to his neck, attempting to stop the bleeding. The world gets more and more dark as the view fades to pitch black.}