Objection!/Chwoka1

Court Records

• CASE NAME: U-Turnabout
• CASE DESCRIPTION: Chwoka's first case has him up against an insurance company.
• JUDGE PRESIDING: The Honorable Judge Judge Sr.
• PLAINTIFF: Mercedes Bends
• DEFENDANT: Land Future, Inc.
• PROSECUTOR: Chwoka
• DEFENSE: Sebastian Prinz
• WITNESSES: Jack, Grubers, One Pablo Montoya
• VERDICT: Guilty

Evidence

• Photo of Tampered Brakes - Yup, tampered alright.
• Model of Tampered Brakes - Shows that the tamper works
• Contract - Awful odd clause.

Court Transcript

{Chwoka is sleeping in a bed. A phone rings, and he scrambles up and gets it.}

CHWOKA: Yes what huh what who is this is huh?

???: Hey, Chwoka! You've got a case tomorrow!

CHWOKA: Oh boy! Thanks ???!

{Chwoka scrambles to his closet, he falls down into it. When he gets up, he is in his signature suit-and-hat. He runs off excitedly. The phone is left off the hook.}

{Cut: the prosecutor's lobby. Jon is there, talking to Chwoka.}

JON: So, you ready?

CHWOKA: ...aren't prosecutors normally private enterprises?

{short pause}

CHWOKA: Alright, whatever. Lay it on me, Chief!

JON: So, it looks like an insurance company is being sued by a woman for fraud. That's about the gist of it.

CHWOKA: Wherever insurance fraud may be, Super Lawyer shall save the day!

{Chwoka runs. Cut to Mercedes Bends in front of her horribly mangled car. Chwoka is talking to her. He is wearing a backpack.}

CHWOKA: Hello, I'll be your lawyer. What seems to be the problem?

MERCEDES: My car's brakes didn't work! Thankfully, I was saved by the airbags, but... this is injustice! I need you to take action against those frauds!

CHWOKA: Wait, why didn't they pay for repairs?

MERCEDES: Well, when I told them, they said it was a preexisting condition! I bought the car before I took their insurance, see?

CHWOKA: What was the condition? Was the car already crushed?

MERCEDES: No... the brakes didn't work.

CHWOKA: Since when?

MERCEDES: Right after I got the insurance, my brakes started to wear down.

CHWOKA: Did you ever stop to think that maybe...THE TWO WERE RELATED!?

MERCEDES: ... No.

CHWOKA: Do you mind if I mount a security camera in your car?

MERCEDES: ... No.

CHWOKA: Thanks! {Chwoka unzips his backpack, revealing that it is full of tiny security cameras. He clambors on inside the car and plants 3 security cameras.} So, I'm not exactly sure what to do, but it should be easy enough! What's your insurance company?

MERCEDES: Land Future, Inc.

{Cut to Chwoka's office. He is on the phone with Land Future, waiting for someone to pick up.}

???: {on phone} Helloooooo, this is Land Future! How may I help you?

CHWOKA: Are you commiting insurance fraud?

???: {on phone} Nooooooo. If you want to discuss legal matters, please make an appointment.

CHWOKA: I don't have the time...{sigh}

{Chwoka hangs up and turns to a person on his left}

CHWOKA: I just don't get it, Jon.

{Zoom out. Jon is next to Chwoka.}

JON: What?

CHWOKA: What are we supposed to do? You're an investigator, how do I, y'know...investigate?

JON: Well, we go out and go to Land Future, that's what! We need to get some dirt on this place!

{Cut to Chwoka with a flowerpot full of dirt, in front of Land Future. He smears some dirt on the walls.}

CHWOKA: {same inflection as before} I just don't get it, Jon...

{Cut to Chwoka talking to Jon, sometime later, in the prosecutor's lobby}

CHWOKA: Well, I got some dirt on the place, but it doesn't really seem to help.

JON: ... NO! No no no no! We need to get in there and get some information from the employees!

{Cut: Chwoka talking to the receptionist}

CHWOKA: What's your favorite color?

BUXOMLY: Pink! That's my favorite color!

CHWOKA: {In the most luvey-duvey voice} Are you commiting insurance fraud?

BUXOMLY: {in her most luvey-duvey voice} Noooooooo!

CHWOKA: May I speak to a higher-up outside of court?

BUXOMLY: {in her most luvey-duvey voice} Noooooooo!

CHWOKA: Uh, Jon? What do I do now?

JON: Try being more... indirect with her.

CHWOKA: Can I not not not not do the opposite of not going to see the head of Land Future?

BUXOMLY: Sure!

CHWOKA: Thanks!

{Chwoka walks through a door. Cut: The CEO.}

CHWOKA: Are you committing insurance fraud?

???: Now why would you say that?

CHWOKA: Because I'm taking you to court. I'm a lawyer!

???: That won't be necessary. I'm afraid we don't know of any fraud going on around here!

CHWOKA: Have you been tampering with cars?

???: Tampering with cars? Ha-HA! Good sir, we don't stoop to a lawyer's level.

CHWOKA: Th-that's a good one. {sheds a single tear}

{Cut: Prosecutors Lobby}

CHWOKA: Alright, time to kick ass!

JON: If you're sure, then... alright.

CHWOKA: Luckily, I did my things off-screen.

{Cut: Court}

CHWOKA: Hiya, Judge!

JUDGE: ... Good morning, prosecutor.

CHWOKA: Where's the insurance company?

???: You're new here, aren't you?

{Pan over to show a well-dressed man, obviously aging.}

PRINZ: Sebastian Prinz, Defense Attorney. I don't believe we've met.

CHWOKA: Heathen.

PRINZ: Well. Regardless of the fact that I've never seen you before, nor know your winning record, I've got a good feeling that I'll be winning.

CHWOKA: I'll have you know I have not lost a case!

PRINZ: Really? This sounds like quite the case, then! Going up against a pro...

CHWOKA: Let us begin, then. {is seated.}

JUDGE: Court is now in session. Is the defense ready?

{long pause}

CHWOKA: Well, is he!?

PRINZ: Oh, I'm sorry. The defense is ready, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Good. And the prosecution is ready as well?

CHWOKA: Yeahyeahsure

JUDGE: Excellent. Now, Prosecutor Chwoka--I believe you'll be telling us about this case?

CHWOKA: Yup.

{Chwoka stands up.}

{Trial}

CHWOKA: Mercedes Bends was recently in a car crash. Allegedly, her brakes had been constantly getting worse ever since she bought her insurance from Land Future Inc. At the moment of the crash, her brakes gave out entirely. The woman survived, but her car was rendered non-operational. {coughs} Land Future claimed that it was a pre-existing condition, but I argue -- is this morally right!?

PRINZ: Hm! That's it? I do insurance claims in my sleep, Your Honor.

JUDGE: So it seems. This is a fairly simple case, by all means. Would the prosecution care to call its first witness?

CHWOKA: Instead of calling the defendant to the stand, or the detective, I call...MECHANIC JACK to the stand!

{Mechanic Jack takes the stand.}

JUDGE: ... And you are?

JACK: I'm Mechanic Jack. I don't think I have no other name, sir...

JUDGE: Really. And what is your part in this case?

JACK: I worked on Mrs. Bends' car for a while.

JUDGE: Alright, then. Would the prosecution care to give a statement about our witness?

CHWOKA: Jack, can you tell us how brake deterioration usually works?

JACK: Well, it usually occurs after years of wear and tear. Normally, it takes a long time for the brakes to deteriorate, but... Mrs. Bends' car was acting strange. Its brakes were wearing down awful fast.

CHWOKA: Could you diagnose the issue?

JACK: It was pretty easy to see, sir. After all, it looked pretty bad.

CHWOKA: Out with it, then.

PRINZ: OBJECTION! How are we to know how long Mrs. Bends has owned the car? For all we know, it could have been used! Anything could have contributed to the worn brakes! ... Prosecutor, are you trying to prove something?

CHWOKA: Yes, now shut up and let me finish up here.

{Chwoka tosses Prinz a record of Mercedes buying her car - brand new in 1998.}

PRINZ: Pah. It's been a decade since then! The brakes could have worn naturally, don't you think?

CHWOKA: Only just over half a decade. Mechanic Jack, can you please repeat your testimony. No interruptions, please.

JACK: Well, it usually occurs after years of wear and tear. Normally, it takes a long time for the brakes to deteriorate, but... Mrs. Bends' car was acting strange. Its brakes were wearing down awful fast. It was only about a month ago that the brakes suddenly stopped working like they should. We think it had something to do with a purchase she made that month.

CHWOKA: Jack, what could be the possible causes of rapid brake deterioration?

JACK: Tampering with the brakes, I reckon. That's the only possible way...

PRINZ: OBJECTION! If the brakes were tampered with, it would have been a much shorter time! Cutting the brakes makes for a quick accident, don't you agree? Therefore, tampering is out of the question.

CHWOKA: Just a second there, hoss. I happen to carry cameras around, and I took a picture of a wire connected to the brakes.

{Chwoka takes out a picture, which shows that the wire is stripped bare and artificially lengthened. A hook is welded on to the hydraulics system, which is hanging up the wire.}

CHWOKA: Any rudimentary knowledge can tell you that every time she stepped on the breaks, the wire got worse and worse until it {circles a frayed section of wire} broke entirely.

PRINZ: ... Hm. That's... strange, now isn't it?

JACK: Yeah, somebody definitely tampered with it.

PRINZ: ... Mind naming names, sir?

JACK: I don't know... Mr. Prosecutor?

CHWOKA: I don't know for certain. I suspect, though, it may be Land Future themselves.

JUDGE: ... Do you have a certain employee you wish to call from Land Future?

CHWOKA: Not quite yet. Jack is dismissed, but we have further evidence.

JUDGE: Really, now?

CHWOKA: You honestly believe me to stop at the "What" and How" stages, without going into the "When" and "Who" stages?

JUDGE: ... Go on, Prosecutor Chwoka.

CHWOKA: I have brought a model of the brake in question.

{Chwoka sets a large model of the brake in question on the table}

CHWOKA: Let us see how much the line changes with one break push.

{Chwoka presses the brake, and the line becomes a bit shorter}

CHWOKA: Those of you with bad eyes may not notice it, but it has moved 1 5,000th shorter. That would mean after 5000 pushes, the brakes stop working. Jon and I - well, mostly Jon - went through the pedal Crash-Cam (TM) footage and from the time she brought her insurance to the time of an accident, she pressed her brakes, you guessed it, exactly 5000 times.

JUDGE: ... Mr. Chwoka, this means Mrs. Bends is to blame! Am I not to understand you're trying to prove the insurance company guilty?

CHWOKA: Judge, I fear there may be an error here. I'm not saying she pressed the pedal PURPOSEFULLY, just pressed it in the normal wear-and-tear of driving. I know it's been years since she bought the insurance, but she doesn't use this car much, apparently. And I think that the tampering might have happened the moment she signed the contract, in somewhat of a comedic fashion.

{Chwoka places the contract itself on the table}

CHWOKA: Jon and I - well, mostly Jon - raked through this and we found this, in very small letters: "Land Future Inc. reserves the right to tamper or otherwise damage your vehicle". Why would they put that there!? Just the fact that it is there raises major implications.

PRINZ: GHK- Wait just a second! Are you really implicating that Land Future, Inc. is to blame?

JUDGE: Agreed! If you have anybody to corroborate these claims, call them up now!

CHWOKA: Well, crap. I don't use many testimonies... Uh - uh - uh I call Llllllllllllllllllll...aurene! Laurene! Finding someone related to the case who is named Laurene should buy me some time!

JUDGE: ... Very well. Would Mrs. Laurene please take the stand?

CHWOKA: Crap!

JUDGE: ... Is there a problem, Mr. Chwoka?

CHWOKA: Why would you think there was? Telepath, or something? {light chuckles, slightly nervous}

JUDGE: ... You don't have a witness, do you?

PRINZ: Hm! The prosecution? Unprepared? Why, this is certainly a first. {clears throat} Your Honor, the defense wishes to call a witness.

JUDGE: Well! Now, who would you want to call?

PRINZ: I call the CEO of Land Future, Inc., to give his statement about his company's policy. Is that alright, Prosecutor?

CHWOKA: Why didn't I think of that!?

PRINZ: Very well then. Your Honor?

JUDGE: We will issue a subpoena to this CEO. For now, the court will take a 30 minute recess.

{Cut: the courtroom lobby.}

JON: Good show out there, Prosecutor!

CHWOKA: Well, apparently I look quite together. I have to tell you Jon, I'm a wreck right now. I don't have much evidence, only a strong hunch - and acting on that hunch is apparently not allowed in the hiz-court.

JON: Yeah... some guy once said that evidence is everything. Not sure who it is, though. Oh, and thanks for all that credit in court! I did do a good job, didn't I?

PRINZ: {offscreen} Well, well, Mr. Chwoka...

{Prinz walks into the lobby.}

PRINZ: And here I was thinking you were a veteran prosecutor! My, my, you're good. Nice, controlled emotions are always important in court.

JON: W-w-wow! Mr. Prinz... you're so cool!

PRINZ: Oh! Thank you, Detective.

CHWOKA: Well, it does appear I'm being my own worst critic here - I feel I'm doing a horrible job here, but others don't seem to think the same.

PRINZ: Hm! Not a problem, Prosecutor. Whenever others think you're doing good, you need to know that you're doing a good job. That's one of my rules.

JON: Wow! Do you have a book?

PRINZ: Hm... I need to consider that. ... So, Prosecutor. Do you know anything about this new witness? Have you met him yet?

CHWOKA: Yes, actually. A brief brush-up - razor sharp wit, he. {sheds a single tear in remembrance over his ice burn}

PRINZ: Good... then you should be able to put up at least a considerable fight.

{Prinz walks away, to the defense lobby.}

JON: ... He's so calm and collected! I wish I were cool like him!

CHWOKA: oh hey it's becoming apparent that it has somehow been thirty minutes even though we have only exchanged a few words

{Cut: Court}

CHWOKA: and now we are back in court yaaaaaaay

JUDGE: That we are. Mr. Prinz?

PRINZ: We've arranged the CEO to come here. He should be in the courtroom very shortly.

{Suddenly, in a flash of glitz, the well-dressed and bejeweled CEO waltzes in.}

???: Ha-ha-ha! I'm here, everybody!

PRINZ: {subtly sarcastic} Yes, let us stave our excitement. Now, then... State your name for the court, please.

GRUBER: Manny Gruber, CEO of Land Future, Inc. We specialize in insurance, both car and motorcycle-related!

PRINZ: ... Quite. Now, since the prosecutor has only exchanged a few words with our good CEO, I took the time to interview him during the recess. Mr. Gruber is, to all intents and purpose, a legitimate businessman. However, I heard that Prosecutor Chwoka has some... conflicting opinions. Isn't that right, Prosecutor Chwoka?

CHWOKA: Indeed. Now, Mr. Gruber, let me skip right to the whole idea...

{Chwoka opens the contract}

CHWOKA: Why does Ms. Bends' insurance contract give you the right to mutilate her car?

GRUBER: Mutilation? Why, that's preposterimpossible! Prosecutor, are you fabricating evidence?

PRINZ: Mr. Gruber, please. None of the evidence provided is fabricated, and we made sure. In fact... I've got a copy of the contract myself.

CHWOKA: Perhaps you don't know what's in your own contract, sir. I'm saying that we're all a little suspicious of this line.

{Chwoka presents the contract to Gruber.}

GRUBER: ... Oh! Well, well, well! Don't we have a trickster at the office?

CHWOKA: Mr. Gruber, I notice that it is in the dead of winter in the northern united states, and you are sweating.

GRUBER: Well, it is hot in this courtroom.

PRINZ: Mr. Gruber, you'll find that this courtroom is only a little bit over fifty degrees. We lack central heating, you know.

GRUBER: ... Wait! Why are you working against me, Mr. Prinz?

PRINZ: ... I never liked your type.

CHWOKA: Swooning Jon in 3, 2, 1...

JON: {from the gallery} Oh! Ohhhh! He's SO AWESOME!

GRUBER: But I don't think we've ever printed anything granting us the right to commit fraud! That's... insane!

PRINZ: ... Prosecutor Chwoka. Would you mind reading this contract?

{Prinz hands Chwoka his copy of the contract.}

PRINZ: I guarantee this copy hasn't been tampered with.

CHWOKA: "Land Future Inc. reserves the right to tamper or otherwise damage your vehicle."

PRINZ: Mr. Gruber. You, with confidence, handed me this contract. You had no obligations.

GRUBER: Guhh... wh-what's going on?

PRINZ: I believe Prosecutor Chwoka can explain.

CHWOKA: I don't want to go through the courtroom dance all over again, so let me just cut it down: We have significant evidence that it was tampered with, and weak evidence that it was tampered with while she bought her insurance. We've literally nailed it down that far - her breaks were tampered with while buying car insurance.

PRINZ: Exactly. Now, what we need to consider is how we're going to do this--burden of proof, obviously, is out. So all that leaves is the question of motive. And I believe that we know just what this man's motive is. After all, who doesn't? ... Prosecutor?

CHWOKA; {imitation of a mob boss} Iffa, well, something outside da contract, ehhhhhh, happened, to a car, you could turn a mighty profit...ain't that right Grubes?

GRUBER: ... Y-yeah, I guess... I mean, th-that's just an example, right?

PRINZ: Well? This seems like a very solid motive. And... well, Prosecutor, the company's name contains a double entendre of sorts. Mind scrambling the letters up for the court?

CHWOKA: Prinz, don't be silly. That's wiggidy whack and we both know it.

PRINZ: Fine, let me. Land Future, Inc., when rearranged, spells Fraudulent! Mind explaining that, Mr. Gruber?

GRUBER: ... It's a c-c-coincidence?

PRINZ: True, it may be a coincidence, but I believe this is a good approximation of both the insidiousness and ignorance exemplified by our CEO!

GRUBER: AAAH! Y-y-y-you were supposed to help me, you jerk!

PRINZ: Didn't I tell you? I don't like your type.

GRUBER: P-p-p-prosecutor! Help me, please!

CHWOKA: I don't much agree with Prinz using anagrams to convince the court - like you said, it's just a coincidence. The scared demeanor can be explained - you might be penalized for something you didn't do! Sad thing is, you probably did do it. May I call someone up without dismissing him? I want him to be here.

JUDGE: Alright. Please call your witness.

CHWOKA: One Pablo Montoya!

{A hispanic mechanic , who looks fresh off work, is called to the stand.}

CHWOKA: Mr. Montoya, is it not true that you were recently laid off from your job as a mechanic at Land Future Inc after becoming a legal citizen?

MONTOYA: yes sir i was sir

CHWOKA: If I am correct, Land Future Inc, although selling car insurance, is not a mechanic.

MONTOYA: yes sir you are correct

CHWOKA: Can you describe your daily routine from getting to work to getting off work?

MONTOYA: i file down de brakes and den de cars crash

GRUBER: GHK! St-stop it, Montoya! I don't pay you to lie!

MONTOYA: you no pay me anymore

GRUBER: G-good point.

MONTOYA: i tell truth sir i no lie

CHWOKA: Speaking of pay, how much WERE you payed?

MONTOYA: hefty hefty sum i buy escalade with money

GRUBER: Ha, ha! He's- he's lying! He doesn't even have an Escalade!

MONTOYA: how i get here then mister grubber

CHWOKA: And how much was this "sum"?

MONTOYA: tousand dollor per car

CHWOKA: This, I might add, is actually over the legal limit wage. Judge, the court now leaves it to you.

PRINZ: Agreed. I think the answer's obvious, Your Honor.

JUDGE: Yes... due to the proof given to us, the court has no reason not to find the defendant, Manny Gruber... guilty. Land Future is ordered to give up all of its money equally to those using their insurance. And with that, court is adjourned.

{Cut: the prosecution lobby.}

JON: Great job, Chwoka! You and Mr. Prinz worked so awesomely together!

PRINZ: Agreed. I think we make a pretty good team.

CHWOKA: Seconded. I think we all did well here...

{Fade to black.}

CHWOKA: My first case went pretty well. I'm not too good at monolouges...

PRINZ: I didn't know it at first, but it turns out that was Chwoka's first case. And to think--I thought he was a veteran! Well, luckily for me, he saved my life not too much later...