Wikihood/eps/2

Summary

Who's this incorrigible cuckarooni and why isn't he a Kingdom Hearts OC anymore????????

Transcript

{Open to a broad scene of Towningdale, that quickly zooms back into the apartment above the pierogi bar. The scene is voiceless, as it showcases a visual recap of what had transpired - Lex and Chaos awoke to breakfast made by Garfield, and pierogis handed out at the last minute by Volkov - who was passing by at the time. After the pierogis are accounted for, Lex and Chaos wave goodbye to Garfield as they close the front door behind them. This leaves the third roommate by his lonesome. He breathes a heavy sigh - an audio tell of the recap being over - as he watches Lex and Chaos take the ice cream truck out of the parking lot from a nearby, a wistful look in his eyes. After a few seconds of looking out the window, he turns around. He hears a faint cellphone ringtone, and heads into his room. On his bed is a cellphone, which he uses to answer the phone.}

GARFIELD: Hello?

?????????: It's been too long, my friend.

GARFIELD: ...Stephanie?

STEPHANIE: Good, you remembered me! I was afraid you wouldn't.

{An awkward pause occurs, allowing the Wikihood logo to appear and disappear for a few seconds. After the logo is gone, pan to a wanted poster on the wall. On it is Garfield in a short blonde wig, a white dress, and what appears to be an ivory notebook laptop tucked under one of his arms. At the sides of his dress, are two crimson laser-scimitars, and a caption reading "Armed and Dangerous." Below the image, is a cash reward which has been scratched out and faded, as if it had to be updated numerous times in the past.}

GARFIELD: {offscreen} To forget you would be something I would prefer not to do, if I can help it.

{Cut back to Garfield, who is briefly lying flat on the bed while still contacting Stephanie.}

STEPHANIE: What have you been up to?

GARFIELD: NoxCorp has me working from home for most of my shifts. I come in only when an emergency arises, per Xiorno's instructions.

STEPHANIE: I take it Xiorno is your boss?

GARFIELD: Yep!

STEPHANIE: Good to see that you've been able to work something out with him.

GARFIELD: It's enabled me to do a teensy bit more to spruce up our apartment. I heard we had a new guest, this Edgymancer who keeps calling himself "Chaos" for some undisclosed reason.

STEPHANIE: Edgymancer?

GARFIELD: That's my commando name for him. To put it bluntly, he seems like a surly goth guy. He and Lex go waaaaaaaayyyyyyyy back, at least that's the story I overheard yesterday.

STEPHANIE: At least he wasn't a secret Bounty Hunter?

GARFIELD: I guess. One thing I know Chaos has done so far is act haughty towards Lex. Evidently, they were supposed to live in a mansion by now, with a hot car and, I quote, "a super expensive elf servant."

STEPHANIE: I take it he's not too keen on living things out in the apartment?

GARFIELD: No.

STEPHANIE: Have you had a moment to discuss this with Lex?

GARFIELD: No. The thing about Lex is that his life outside home is... "odd," to say the least. It's hard to read him, most of the time.

{Cut to Lex's job at the mattress store. Garfield arrives with sub sandwiches.}

GARFIELD: Lex, I figured you might've been famished, so I-

{Garfield blinks and looks around to find that the lot is empty.}

LEX: Eyyy, whazzup mon? It's been a slow day, today!

GARFIELD: Lex, there's nobody here.

LEX: Those are the best days, my friend.

GARFIELD: Don't you get bored? Don't you have any coworkers? Or... a manager? Or anybody?

LEX: Hmm...

{Lex closes his eyes, and shrugs.}

LEX: All I know is that I come here for my eight hours and I get my paycheck in the mail. And honestly? That's good enough for me.

GARFIELD: I don't suppose I could... call dibs on all these mattresses? Maybe we can sell what we can't store in the garage.

LEX: You want them, you buy them.

{Cut back to Garfield on the phone. The screen then splits, showing Stephanie's end of the conversation as well. She is in her own bedroom.}

STEPHANIE: Did you buy any?

{Zoom out - on Garfield's screen - to reveal his bed being propped up by at least two mattresses.}

GARFIELD: Of course! I still thought Lex was being conned, so I did some digging and found... that he just has a naturally weird job. Speaking of jobs, what are you up to these days?

STEPHANIE: {sad chuckling} Oh my God, you have no idea what's gone on on my end.

GARFIELD: I... don't.

STEPHANIE: ...where do I start?

GARFIELD: Logically, from the beginning.

STEPHANIE: Well...

{Cut to Stephanie at a luxury penthouse suite in San Cristobal. A caption appears, reading "One Week Earlier." In the background, "The Reflex" by Duran Duran is playing. Stephanie looks aggravated as she's angrily knocking on the door of the master bedroom. From inside of the bedroom, you can hear giggles from an assortment of women.}

STEPHANIE: Mr. D'Arque! MR. D'ARQUE. YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE FOR YOUR MEETING WITH THE MAYOR!

{No response. Stephanie knocks even harder.}

STEPHANIE: You don't want to keep him waiting! You need his support!

{Xavier D'Arque finally responds from the other side.}

XAVIER: Ugh, you always ruin the fun! Fine! Time for you all to go, ladies.

{Stephanie rolls her eyes. The door open as four young women, barely eighteen years old and scantily clad, run out while giggling and snickering.}

XAVIER: Hand the girls their money, won't ya? It's for their college fund!

STEPHANIE: Yes, sir.

{Stephanie pulls out a checkbook from her pocket and proceeds to write four checks before handing them to each of the young women. Xavier emerges from the bedroom, dressed in a purple bathrobe. He waves the women goodbye as he practically shoves them out of the suite.}

XAVIER: Phew. Is it me, or are high schoolers getting younger?

STEPHANIE: No, you're just getting older.

XAVIER: Well, you know what they say. If you can still use it, you can still abuse it!

{Xavier motions to his crotch. Stephanie looks away.}

STEPHANIE: Just get dressed quickly. You're expected there in thirty minutes.

XAVIER: Alright, alright.

{Xavier disrobes completely, revealing nothing underneath. His most intimate parts are covered up by parts of the foreground scenery as the camera follows him around the suite.}

XAVIER: Aren't you excited, Penelope?

STEPHANIE: It's Stephanie.

XAVIER: What's what I said! Aren't you excited? In just a week's time, I'm gonna be launching my bid for Senate, and all eyes will be on me! Isn't it invigorating to be in the presence of someone who is destined for such greatness?

STEPHANIE: It's simply wonderful, sir.

{Xavier picks up a pair of trousers and puts them on, not bothering with underwear.}

XAVIER: Damn fucking right, it is. Xavier D'Arque, Republic Island Senator. Just imagine that. Fuck, no, let's go even further. Xavier D'Arque. President of the United States.

STEPHANIE: Aren't you shooting a little too high to be thinking of a Presidential bid this early?

XAVIER: No such thing as too high, babe.

{Xavier sprays himself with cologne all over his body.}

XAVIER: Say, how old are you again?

STEPHANIE: I'm 24.

XAVIER: And are you married yet? Hell, are you even seeing anybody? I don't think I've ever seen you with a man.

STEPHANIE: ...no? But I don't know how this is relevant to-

{Xavier grabs a shirt and tie from his closet and puts them on.}

XAVIER: Jesus H. Christ, you need to get hitched soon! You ain't gettin' any younger, babe. Your biological clock is a ticking time bomb. You gotta get yourself a guy and have children while you still can. You know, if I weren't your boss, I would almost consider breaking my nineteen-and-under rule. But you know, that would be unprofessional. Plus, I respect you too much.

STEPHANIE: Gee. I am humbled.

XAVIER: Hey, I know plenty of good and rich men who would love a girl like you. You're a little too smart for them, but I think if you kept your mouth shut, you'd be alright. Oh yeah, speaking of all this shit; call my wife and kids. I want them to appear at the upcoming announcement ceremony. I gotta make a good image for the cameras.

{After putting his shoes and socks on, Xavier is finally dressed. He looks outside of the window, overlooking the entirety of Downtown San Cristobal.}

XAVIER: In just eight months, all of this is gonna be mine. You're witnessing history in the making, Penelope.

STEPHANIE: Stephanie.

XAVIER: That's what I said. The D'Arque's used to rule everything here, and when I'm finished, they'll be back on top. You are a very lucky woman. Now come on, let's see the Mayor. We can't let that fat bastard wait too long.

{Stephanie sighs.}

STEPHANIE: Right, sir.

{Cut back to the present.}

GARFIELD: Wait, has he been trying to hook you up with unintelligent balls of gold and suits?

STEPHANIE: No.

GARFIELD: Hrm... perhaps I should consider upping my own net wealth...

STEPHANIE: Better idea: there's this restaurant in The Underground Market of Towningdale. There's probably a discount in there, if you can work your magic.

GARFIELD: No promises on the magic, but... as you wish.

{Stephanie and Garfield hang up at the same time. Garfield looks around in his closet, finding a map of Towningdale and some dinosaur action figures. He sets both down on the coffee table. Fast-forward a few minutes, where his setup is complete and he is about to proceed with planning stages.}

GARFIELD: Okay, if I use this long neck eating the star leaves to show where Spook Cliff is, then...

{The door opens as Lex and Chaos enter the room.}

LEX: Garf, we're hoooooome!

{Chaos crawls over to the couch, looking exhausted.}

CHAOS: Oh man, I am pooped. What a long day. I could go for a nap right about now.

GARFIELD: Um, you were only out for just over an hour and a half. It's still morning.

CHAOS: Hey, I had a really stressful and traumatizing experience, alright? Some kids think that I am uncool!

LEX: I don' get why ya care so much!

CHAOS: How am I supposed to do anything useful if I don't fit in?

{Garfield and Lex look at each other, then back at Chaos. They both shrug.}

GARFIELD: I've tried fitting in countless times, and I can tell you it's not worth it.

CHAOS: Like I need tips from a guy who wastes money on luxury items when HE COULD SINGLE-HANDEDLY BUY US ACTUALLY-SUITABLE REAL ESTATE.

{Garfield frowns.}

GARFIELD: Lex and I... we almost bought a house once. We just frankly didn't have the dough to cough up, owing to our mutually high standards.

LEX: This apartment is literally all we need, mon.

CHAOS: WE.

{Zoom to Chaos' face.}

CHAOS: NEED.

{Zoom to Chaos' eyes.}

CHAOS: MORE.

{Chaos' eyes gain an additional "fiery" look, which lasts for a few seconds. Afterwards, zoom back out, to normal.}

GARFIELD: I shall exile myself from this conversation.

LEX: Garf, you're doin' no wrong.

CHAOS: Oh, he's very much in the wrong here. IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME ON AUCTIONS, THEN-

{Garfield's eyes glow red. He punches Chaos in the face, knocking him out straight cold.}

LEX: I... I think that was excessive, mon.

GARFIELD: This is generous, compared to the intrusive thoughts swirling in my skull. He shall be spared my wrath, under the premise that we never have this topic come up again.

{Garfield attempts to carry Chaos' body, over to the couch. Lex assists him.}

LEX: We should probably get somethin' from Chief Beef's. I'm hungry, at least.

GARFIELD: For once, I have somewhere I need to be. I will pick something up on the way back.

{Garfield's eyes stop glowing red. He and Lex each split off in different directions, but after a few minutes they re-unite. Garfield is wearing a black coat with some silver zippers and other decorations, with the hood obscuring his face.}

LEX: Wait, you never said where you were goin'!

GARFIELD: I have a date.

LEX: You???? A date????

{Lex tilts his head in confusion.}

GARFIELD: One of my college buddies, Stephanie, has decided to come to Towningdale.

LEX: It's Townindale, mon!

{Garfield shrugs.}

GARFIELD: I've risked tooth and nail for her before. I'd give my experiences a 12/10, and do it again. Besides, I'm headed to the Underground Market. The restaurants there are almost as good as the ones in the state of Disney.

LEX: Right. So, remind me who Stephanie is?

GARFIELD: A dearly beloved friend who saved my life, during college.

{Lex ruminates on the description given. His expression changes to indicate he is partially enlightened.}

LEX: I think I remember you havin' mentioned 'er, truth be told.

{Garfield gives a thumbs-up, through black gloved hands.}

GARFIELD: Good enough for me!

{Garfield puts his hand along a wall, in an awkward pose. A few seconds pass.}

LEX: What are you-

GARFIELD: Hmph. I thought I'd get this "Corridor of Darkness" spell done perfectly by now. I guess I'll have to travel by other means...

LEX: Why dontcha be practical an' use the ice cream truck, mon?

GARFIELD: I wanted Style Points.

LEX: Another thing; you kind of look ridiculous in that coat, in broad daylight.

GARFIELD: Why, thank you!

{Lex rolls his eyes, initially skeptical of Garfield's taste. However, he gives it a visibly pensive thought.}

LEX: I suppose if they can't see your face...

{Lex shrugs.}

LEX: I no longer know how to react.

GARFIELD: For now, I must bid you adieu.

{Garfield and Lex wave each other goodbye, as the former heads for the front door and closes it behind him. He heads downstairs, to the pierogi bar itself. He and Volkov wave at each other, but go about their respective business otherwise. The shot cuts to the parking lot, where Garfield gets inside of Lex's ice cream truck. As soon as he starts the truck, Tints by Anderson .Paak (feat. Kendrick Lamar) plays in the background. Zoom out to show Garfield driving to Spook Cliff with the windows open and dancing to the song, then taking some turns to head underneath where he previously drove, to go to the Underground Market.}