Other Character Email Trogador RELOADED BIZNATCH/terror of the lead singer from KISS

The New Trogador Adventures

Episode 025.5: Terror of the Lead Singer from Kiss
Clyde buys the new Realm of Revengeance expansion, but becomes outraged with the changes.

Transcript

{cut to black screen that says "IN A.D 30X8". The screen then changes it's text it to "A DRAGON SAVED THE CITY FROM TOTAL DESTRUCTION AND GOT INTO A CLIMACTIC BATTLE. THAT DRAGON IS..." The words disappear, and TROGADOR in orange letters appears. Below are the options "START GAME", "SECRET CODE WORD", and "OPTIONAL OPTIONS". The first set of words light up, and we get taken to this screen....}

{cut to Below the Bridge. It is your standard nasty old grody place. Grafitti litters the walls. Trogador is laying down a mat. John walks up to him.}

JOHN: Hey, Trog, what's the mat for?

TROGADOR: Well, Tampo is doing some construction work...

{cut to Tampo sitting in front of a TV. He is asleep in a chair with a tv guide on stomach...area. He snores and starts coughing. He stops coughing and starts snoring again.}

TROGADOR: ...so I thought, "What better a place to temporarily live in than beneath a bridge?". So here we are!

JOHN: Trogador, beneath a bridge is a terrible, terrible place to live. I have firsthand experience!

TROGADOR: Hey, you should just be glad we have a bridge over our head! Some people in China don't have anything!

JOHN: And we're exactly like them!

TROGADOR: Not true! We have a mat. And Clyde has a laptop.

{The camera pans right to show Clyde sitting on a dirt mound, typing on his laptop. He looks horrified and distressed.}

CLYDE: No...no, that's not right! I don't want to explore, no! What? Where am I? PVP only?! What have they done?!

{Trogador and John walk up to Clyde.}

TROGADOR: Clyde, what's wrong?

CLYDE: {defeated} They...they did it.

JOHN: Did what?

CLYDE: They...they ruined Realm of Revengeance...

TROGADOR: What?

CLYDE: That game, you know, about the midgets?

TROGADOR: The correct term is "little people", Clyde.

CLYDE: You played it in your first email?

TROGADOR: Oh, yeah, yeah. What did they do?

CLYDE: They did EVERYTHING wrong that they possibly could! You see, the old content, The Flaming Crusader, that was just fine. Midgets were midgets, and crusaders partied on decks. But now...this...this abomination...

{Clyde holds up a small game box with Gene Simmons sticking his tongue out. Below it is "TERROR OF THE LEAD SINGER FROM KISS".}

CLYDE: I'm...I'm speechles at just how terrible this is...

JOHN: Clyde, it's just a game.

{Clyde gasps and Trogador pushes John away, offscreen}

TROGADOR: Have some respect, jerk! Now, Clyde, calm down, calm down...I think I have a solution for this.

{cut to Gamerz Haven. It's a crappy little game shop with one row of games and a poster depicting Stinkoman. An Astromund wearing a hoodie that says "LULZ" on it sits behind the counter, typing on his computer. Trogador and Clyde walk in.}

CLYDE: Hey, Joey.

JOEY: Hey, Clyde. Are you liking Lead Singer?

CLYDE: Absolutely not!

JOEY: {turns around} What?! How can you not like it?! I mean, think about the Doom Warriors!

CLYDE: Everybody's a Doom Warrior! I even have five!

JOEY: So? I hate to say it, Clyde, but maybe you're not as big as a leet-haxxor your Yahoo address says...

{Clyde jumps over the desk and smacks Joey across the face.}

CLYDE: {menacingly} First, respect the leet. Second, if you don't tell me who makes Realm of Revengeance in three seconds, I will take a taxi cab and-

JOEY: Snowstorm! It's Snowstorm, they make the games!

{Clyde lets go of Joey and hovers out.}

CLYDE: C'mon Trog, I have people for you to maim.

{They leave. Joey brushes off his counter.}

JOEY: {muttering} Noob.

{A taxi cab crashes through the front wall. Very quickly, the scene cuts to a skyscraper in Downtown Challenge City. A sign outside reads "SNOWSTORM INCORPORATED". The sign is distinguished by the logo, a mountain with a log cabin, which ahs been ripped off the ground and is flying. Cut to a conference room upstairs. Coroporate exec Astromunds and Poorbts sit around a long table, talking.}

EXEC 1: User reception so far has been phenomenal, far better than The Flaming Crusader.

EXEC 2: I really do think we've done better than anybody thought we could.

EXEC 7: Gentleman, I think it's time for some self congratulatory lunches!

{Suddenly, Clyde slams in through a large window, holding a machine gun and wearing sunglasses. He flips the table over and shoots randomly in the room. Execs run everywhere, screaming in panic. The camera shakes back and forth, unsteady.}

CLYDE: Who leads Snowstorm?

{Clyde shoots up at the ceiling. A ceiling fan falls down and starts to spin wildly.}

CLYDE: I'm not gonna say it again!

{Clyde takes out a grenade and throws it offscreen to the left. It explodes, and chunk of flaming table come flying over him. A fire starts spreading.}

CLYDE: Is it Stinkoman? It's Stinkoman, isn't it?!

{The sprinkler system turns on, dousing the flames and making everything wet. Trogador slips his head in through the doorway. The camera goes back to normal.}

TROGADOR: Hey, Clyde. I asked one of the receptionists and found an address.

CLYDE: Oh, really? Sweet.

TROGADOR: Yeah...you really shouldn't have done this, Clyde, I'm gonna have to use one of Coverups now at work...

CLYDE: I got caught up in the heat of the moment.

TROGADOR: Yeah, that...doesn't really fix any of this, but c'mon, let's go.

{The screen shifts to that of a newspaper's front page. The headline reads "TERRORISTS ATTACK CORPORATE OFFICES WITH 12 INJURED". Cut to Clyde hovering on what appears to be a snowy path, reading the newspaper. John is behind him, with Trogador ahead.}

CLYDE: Wow, those guys at town hall sure know how to do a coverup.

JOHN: Well, yeah, they were taught by the same guys who pulled JFK, 9/11, New Coke-

TROGADOR: John! I have told you, for the last time, New Coke wasn't a government conspiracy!

{cut to a small plateau. An Astromund with a sniper rifle is hunched down, talking on a walkie talkie.}

ASTROMUND SNIPER: Foxtrot eleven, this is Moonshine, take the target out, over?

TROGADOR: {voice, from walkie talkie} Foxtrot eleven, this is Paulo, do not shoot, situation is under control, over.

{cut back to the path}

CLYDE: What's over?

TROGADOR: Uhh...the mission nearly is, because we're here!

{The screen zooms out to show them standing at the foot of a large, snowy mountain. A huge wooden cabin-like castle is on the mountain. Cut back to Trogador and Clyde.}

TROGADOR: Well, that's gonne be a long trek up.

{The camera cuts back to show that Kray, Drew, and Master Z are behind John.}

KRAY: Why don't ya just fly up thar?

TROGADOR: Oh, hey, good idea.

MASTER Z: In fact, why didn't you just fly us all here instead of making us hike miles and miles?

TROGADOR: Hey, be quiet. Why are you guys even here? This is mine and Clyde's adventure. And John too for some reason.

DREW: The bridge got overrun by the homeless.

TROGADOR: So? They don't bite.

JOHN: Yes, they do. We lost Peevesly to a homeless person bite, remember?

TROGADOR: {nervously} Uh, no John, I have no idea what you're talking about...

CLYDE: We paid that guy to bury him out by the highway, remember?

TROGADOR: Clyde, John, I think you're imagining things. There has never been a poltergeist butler living with me.

JOHN: But-

TROGADOR: Never!

{cut to a wooden cabin-like hallway. Trogador and Co. walk down it when they reach a door labeled "SNOWSTORM INC. OFFICE".}

TROGADOR: Hey, obligatory dialogue that the viewer can infer on their own.

JOHN: So, what are we gonna do from here?

TROGADOR: I dunno, Clyde takes over here.

CLYDE: I'm thinking we start with kidnapping, and then beat him with a rope. When I get bored of that in a year or two, I'll probably set him on fire or something.

{Trogador opens the door. They walk in to find An Ice Machine at a desk, writing something down. He looks up at them.}

AN ICE MACHINE: WELCOME 3 O'CLOCK!

JOHN: An Ice Machine? You run Snowstorm?

TROGADOR: Well, yeah, I thought it was a given. There aren't any other snowy gimmick characters. Plus, didn't I tell you this was his house?

CLYDE: {foaming} Must've slipped your mind.

AN ICE MACHINE: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DISCUSS, FRIENDS OF AN ICE MACHINE?

TROGADOR: Well, you see, my friend here, Mr. Clempincobb, he is...let's say less than happy with the new RoR {pronounced "rur"} expansion.

AN ICE MACHINE: MR. CLEMPINCOBB IS A LONGTIME CUSTOMER AND A VERY VALUED PLAYER WHAT MAY AN ICE MACHINE DO FOR HIM?

CLYDE: Stand back and give me a rope...

AN ICE MACHINE: HOW ABOUT AN ICE MACHINE JUST GIVES YOU A UNIQUE WEAPON?

CLYDE: And...and armor?

AN ICE MACHINE: ANYTHING MR. CLEMPINCOBB WISHES! AN ICE MACHINE KEEPS TABS ON ALL PLAYERS, SO THE GIFT IS ALREADY THERE!

JOHN: Wait...you keep tabs on every single player of Realm of Revengeance? Why is that useful?

AN ICE MACHINE: THAT'S WHAT AN ICE MACHINE SAID BEFORE AN ICE MACHINE REALIZED THE NEFARIOUS POTENTIAL OF THE TECHNOLOGY!

TROGADOR: So you're using Realm of Revengeance as a front?

AN ICE MACHINE: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH.

{An Ice Machine presses a button on his desk and blue gas fills the room, knocking everybody else out. The screen goes black. A few seconds later, it cuts to a little basement looking room with a large silver door at the end. An Ice Machine hobbles over to the door. He opens it and hobbles away. Blue gas pours out of the room. Trogador and Co. stumble out, half frozen.}

TROGADOR: Clyde...I'm not listening to you ever again.

{cut to Gamerz Haven. Joey sits at the desk. Clyde comes in.}

CLYDE: Hey, Joey.

JOEY: Clyde, man! Where have you been?

CLYDE: What? Nothing. I just heard there was some new Atomic Walrus IV news that surfaced.

JOEY: Clyde, you've been gone for months...Atomic Walrus IV is out! The DLC is out even!

CLYDE: What? What...what day is it?

JOEY: {date purge ended}.

CLYDE: WHAT

THE END!

Fun Facts

• Dinoshaur came up with the title.
• "The Flaming Crusader" is a reference to The Burning Crusade, the previous WoW expansion.
• "Partying on decks" is what a certain group did on JD's deck on that one episode of Scrubs, ah heh you get it now
• Gene Simmons is the lead singer from Kiss a durrrr
• Peevesly is a canned main character from the old old old emails.