(even if you aren't vegan)
Wikihood/arc/P4
Summary
The Wikihood gang forgets to pay their electricity bill.
Transcript
{Cue Edvard Grieg's Morningstimmung. The sun rises upon the wikihood house. Remolay gets caught in the sunlight first and falls over, Oiracul sees the sun and morphs her hand into a parasol to block the rays. Lex sees the sun and smiles warmly while getting out of bed, Chaos appears to have gotten no sleep at all, and is sternly watching the sunrise. Noxigar's window, for once, catches the sunlight and as soon as it reaches his room he begins to harness it into solar energy, obviously already hard at work on his next lab experiment. He walks out of his room and heads downstairs, where he sees Chaos checking for the mail.}
NOXIGAR: Up all night again?
CHAOS: I wish, I could hardly stay up after everything that's happened in the last week. I just got up early by happenstance.
NOXIGAR: Be thankful you can at least support your own weight today. Though I suppose that's what you get for trying to jump a defenseless old man.
CHAOS: He wasn't defenseless! and he jumped us!
NOXIGAR: Well, the news channels say otherwise. But I wouldn't know if they've taken your opinion for granted or not, I haven't watched the news in a week.
CHAOS: Why, spending all your time in the lab?
NOXIGAR: No, the power's been out all week.
{Cut to Chaos, whose expression changes as he picks up the mail.}
CHAOS: Wait! All these bills are dated for last week...
NOXIGAR: Yeah, I figured whoever handles the bills around here would have picked them up.
CHAOS: {Turns around, sternly, with the shot changing to match} And who do you think does that?
NOXIGAR: The elf?
CHAOS: I told you, he's not an elf!
NOXIGAR: Somebody isn't in the Christmas spirit!
CHAOS: With so many bills to pay, we may not even have a Christmas this year!
NOXIGAR: All's well and good. When was the last time we celebrated anyways?
CHAOS: I, for one thing, wanted to welcome our houseguests with some more popular traditions.
NOXIGAR: I've seen elves before, though that shapeshifter leaves something to the imagination.
CHAOS: Another one of your test subjects? Don't you think you've had enough?
NOXIGAR: {Pshaw} There's no such thing as too many test subjects.
CHAOS: Still, you guys couldn't pay the bills for me while I was getting bedrest?
NOXIGAR: I'm sorry I had to do every other chore on the wheel. So sue me for trying to stay out of trouble.
CHAOS: What about Lex? He couldn't pay the bills?
{Lex walks in, holding a cup of coffee in one hand and a newspaper in the other.}
LEX: Now Chaos, you know that would be technically impossible to do, considering how I was practically fired from my last job.
NOXIGAR: That was six months ago, though.
LEX: I'm still job hunting!
CHAOS: Right. So now I have to get all of these bills paid. Although I'm not so sure I want more money going to D'Arque...
{Remolay joins the group downstairs.}
REMOLAY: That guy sounds majorly creepy. Do you think people are even safe living here if he's in charge?
CHAOS: Even so, there's not much to do about it.
REMOLAY: What a shame. Especially considering all you guys went through to get this house!
CHAOS: I think you severely overestimate the value of this house.
REMOLAY: Even so, this must have some sort of sentimental value to you all!
CHAOS: It certainly isn't worth having these outrageous bills!
LEX: To be fair, though, at the time we got this house, we thought it was in a pretty nice neighborhood. It's not like we were aware of the fact that this town was ran by a diabolical zombie either, keep in mind.
REMOLAY: Well, you just spent a week in recluse, so maybe the town's opened it's heart up to our plight, and doesn't hold Chaos in contempt. I need a new enterprise to follow anyway, so let us now try to enter the city in it's renaissance of reasoning!
{Remolay opens the door, and the scene zooms out to show all of Townindale surrounding the Wikihood manor has changed, and appears more closely to as it may have over a hundred years ago. The shot zooms back in and Chaos keels over.}
CHAOS: Mother of God, what happened?
LEX: {looking outside} Say, this doesn't look too bad!
CHAOS: {Standing up, with a stern expression} Noxigar! Can you rig up a generator so we can maybe power the TV without paying the bills?
NOXIGAR: I suppose I could toy with some of those lightning bolts I caught the other night in that storm... {Picks Remolay up by his collar and proceeds to walk upstairs pondering.}
CHAOS: Lex, prepare to man the television! We shall get to the bottom of this!
{Chaos puts his pipe in his mouth and lights it, though his expression changes to a more glum one as soon as he takes a puff. He sulks into the kitchen and throws the bills on the table. Vindi begins to rumble, so he opens the fridge to reveal that the food within has all spoiled. He sighs and tosses a few random items onto a plate and opens the basement door, putting it at the top of the stairs for Vindi, and then sits down at the table and opens up his first bill. As soon as he opens it and mumbles the contents of the letter, he fails to keep his head up and begins to sign the bills without any real emotion or resolve within him. Cut to Lex, who's fiddling around with the television. Noxigar calls up from downstairs.}
NOXIGAR: {offscreen} HEY, LEX? DO ME A FAVOR AND COME DOWN HERE FOR A SECOND. AND BRING THE TV WITH YOU! OH, AND WATCH OUT FOR THE STAIRS!
LEX: RIGHTEO!
CHAOS: {offscreen} GODDAMN IT GUYS, WILL YOU BOTH STOP SHOUTING? YOU'RE DISTURBING VINDI!
LEX: {whisper} Oops, sorry!
{Cut to the basement. Noxigar is fiddling around with a contraption composed of several car parts, smacking it around with a wrench over and over again. Suddenly, a jolt of electricity hits him, singing him somewhat. Lex comes down from the staircase carrying the television in his arms, but ends up tripping and falling down. Miraculously, the television falls at Noxigar's feet, with little damage. Noxigar turns around to see Lex lying flat on his face. He sighs and shakes his head. Lex gets up from the floor and dusts himself off.}
LEX: What's the dealio on this situation?
NOXIGAR: Well, I think I've managed to construct a makeshift power generator out of that car you stole a few weeks ago. Hopefully we'll be able to do something with this power, despite how limited it may be.
{Noxigar takes some time to examine his creation. Then, he remembers the power generator needs to turn on somehow! So he looks over for the ignition, and plants a key in it. Turning the ignition, the power generator works.}
NOXIGAR: This'll do for at least a month. That is, assuming nobody does anything harmful to the generator.
{Noxigar heads up the stairs. He pauses for a moment in rumination.}
LEX: Wait, that's it?
NOXIGAR: Yup. I've got no time for exposition. I need to pay those bills on time on Chaos' behalf!
{Noxigar resumes going up the stairs. Cut back to Chaos, who has returned into the living room to try turning on the TV. Most of the channels aren't coming in, and he gets frustrated and throws the remote at the TV.}
CHAOS: I think we need to steal somebody's cable service.
{Noxigar heads upstairs to his room. He looks for the bills, which he salvaged. Getting a calculator, he makes sure to approximate how much money the bills are going to cost. Upon seeing the total, his eyes widen in surprise. He then goes to his room's closet and takes out a treasure chest filled with gold, using said calculator to approximate how much the gold is worth - and how much the bill would need to be paid with. Noxigar then shrugs, and lifts the treasure chest with the gold in it. He slowly takes it downstairs, trying to exit the house with it. The camera zooms out to convey the increase of house size since the last episode. As Noxigar gets to the front doorway, he begins to have difficulty fitting the chest out the door. As the shot returns to normal, Chaos gets some sort of tool kit ready and hands Noxigar some signed papers.}
CHAOS: Having some trouble?
{Chaos ducks under the chest and tries to help him out. As the two work together, the chest is finally loosened, though Chaos tumbles over and hits his head. He opens his eyes and sits up when he realizes that the area around the Wikihood property has an incredibly old-timey feel to it, and that the D'Arque theater is visibly repaired on the outside. The air is thick with sepia tone1.}
CHAOS: What did I miss?...What did you all miss?
{Noxigar checks on Chaos, giving him a bottle of Pepsi and some Ibuprofen.}
NOXIGAR: I think you bonked your noggin. Anyway, to answer your question, I missed an adventure. So I'm off to save our mansion's electricity with this treasure chest. Here's to curing my cabin fever2!
{Noxigar resumes walking, heading towards the Towningdale Mayor's office with the treasure chest and signed papers.}
CHAOS: What could have possibly done all of this?
{Remolay steps outside.}
REMOLAY: What, the town? It's been like this for at least a week. I didn't think much of it, but now that you mention it...
CHAOS: How could you not bring this to anybody's attention sooner?
REMOLAY: I needed to make money, and this revision of the town has really brought in new jobs! I've already been a smithy, a miller, a jailer, I washed people's clothes by washboard for a day or two, I was a hunter. And of course, I had to help build all those churches and brothels!
CHAOS: So wait, you're actually making money for a change?
REMOLAY: I know! This is the first time in at least half a year I've had excess income! Why ruin a good thing?
CHAOS: Surely somebody has to object to this!
REMOLAY: No, it seems like everyone loves it. Or, at least is none the wiser.
CHAOS: They'd all have to be brainwashed into something like this!
{The camera slowly pans from Chaos to the D'Arque theatre. It then zooms in on the mansion, going into the interior. Debonair D'Arque isn't there, but his manservant Droll and the Undead Army are there.}
DROLL: Listen up, boys and girls! Master D'Arque has put me in charge of overseeing the theatre remains intact this time! Mostly because he's getting groceries for all of us. It is now our time to earn contributions for our creation of a new supermarket by ensuring we get to test the first set of rations from said supermarket!
{The Undead Army cheers.}
DROLL: I do say, this entire endeavor was a great success! Not only have we returned this town to its old glory, but we've also managed to take full control over the population! Gone are the times where we have been forced to hide ourselves and rule from afar in fear of reprisal by the citizens, for their minds are also ours! Finally, I am proud to say that Townindale is finally under our entire grasp! Nobody would ever dare oppose us in this moment.
{Chaos, who seems to have managed to sneak up to the window, has caused a ruckus trying to sneak away. Everyone stares daggers at him, to which he responds to running back to the house. As he goes to open the door, it is opened by Remolay in anticipation. Chaos fails to brace himself and falls forward in a comical manner.}
CHAOS: We need to stop this.
{Cut back. One Army member raises its hand.}
DROLL: Yes?
ARMY MEMBER A: How are we controlling the minds of the other citizens?
DROLL: Ah, yes, great question! How exactly are we doing this? Well, my friend, it is through the utilization of a certain medium, one you're all probably acquainted to. The medium I happen to speak of... IS TELEVISION!
ARMY MEMBER B: Tele..what?
ARMY MEMBER A: I believe he said television!
{At the same time, the scene cuts to Chaos and Lex fiddling with the TV, and appear to have turned it on.}
ARMY MEMBER C: {voice-over} Television? What on earth is that? Surely you mean telephones, right?
{They manage to get a signal and begin flipping through channels.}
ARMY MEMBER B: {voice over} Telegrams, perhaps?
{The channel flips to a series of subliminal messages. Chaos and Lex seem easily entranced.}
ARMY MEMBER A: {voice over} No, no, television! You know, the thing.. with the glowy, um..
{Cut back.}
DROLL: ...It doesn't matter! Ugh, I forgot that you were all fossils of a bygone era. All you need to know is that it's working perfectly, and that I orchestrated it all by myself!
{Cut back again. As the two stare at the screen, Lex begins to go limp and falls on Chaos, and the two tumble over, seemingly snapped out of the trance.}
CHAOS: Oh, your head...
LEX: Don't you mean "my head"?
CHAOS: No...your head, it really hurt!
LEX: Hey, do you think there's a possibility the television caused us to get concussions in the first place?
CHAOS: Don't skewer the imagination with cold realism. I think you're drawing some sort of negative context from that concept3.
LEX: Alright, just saying. Our television was unusually mesmerizing. I didn't get to see a David Bowie film today. Although maybe I dreamed him those last few nights.
CHAOS: Be honest, when don't you dream of David Bowie?
LEX: ...True.
CHAOS: Do you imagine that maybe that's what they're using to control people? It doesn't seem to have any words or images to it, so maybe they're like, off the air?
LEX: I suppose...that would make changing the messages to implant commands in the viewers depending on necessity easier.
CHAOS: {pulling out pipe} Curiouser and curiouser.
LEX: What do you reckon we do about this?
CHAOS: I think we'd need Noxigar for that...How do you think he's faring at Town Hall?
{Cut to Noxigar, who is at Town Hall. He enters with no problems, but pauses as he looks for directions to the Mayor's Office. He then uses said directions to get there. The Mayor's chair is turned away from its desk.}
NOXIGAR: {singing} Girl I must warn yoooooooouuuuuuuu
NOXIGAR: {singing} I sense something strange in my mind4.
{The Mayor changes his desk's revolutions to be exactly 90 degrees.}
MAYOR: You came straight to Town Hall? What for?
NOXIGAR: I wanted to pay Chaos' electricity bills for him. I found this gold and was looking for adventure.
MAYOR: Hrm, sounds civil enough.
NOXIGAR: I don't, er, quite know what you mean. I haven't done anything criminal...
MAYOR: No, but you associate yourself with Chaos. I am Mayor Order. I am the Law.
NOXIGAR: Uh, yeah. And...?
MAYOR: Fair warning to both you and Lex. Be careful. I've heard some pretty scary hoodoo shit about that Chaos friend of yours! Do you... know anyone who has a magic sketchbook?
NOXIGAR: No, but that sounds like something I should consider later5.
MAYOR: Someting tells me you should be careful.
{The Mayor takes out something from his drawer. He gives Noxigar a sketchbook. The emblem on the sketchbook is recognized by Noxigar, but cannot be seen by the audience.}
NOXIGAR: Why... are you giving me this?
MAYOR: Consider it a gift. A gift to be used exclusively to uphold the Law.
NOXIGAR: You really are paranoid, aren't you?
{The Mayor's eyes appear to have ignited, and his face looks angrier.}
MAYOR: I am the Law!
NOXIGAR: Aight, aight, I'll take the gift.
{Noxigar takes the sketchbook slowly and hesitantly.}
MAYOR: Now, go to the D'Arque theatre! I've been told you seek adventure!
NOXIGAR: Oh, don't I! But, what is in this sketchbook?
MAYOR: For one thing, receipts for the bills. They're paid in full.
NOXIGAR: Um, thanks?
MAYOR: Another thing, chap. If you run into any blonde people, even David Bowie, don't show the sketchbook to them!
NOXIGAR: Why? Will it send me to D'Arque's asylum?
MAYOR: {lightly chuckles} No. D'Arque doesn't have an asylum, my boy.
NOXIGAR: I AM A MAN!
{Noxigar punches a wall 6..}
MAYOR: I wasn't questioning gender, lad.
NOXIGAR: Oh. I have quite the scheme to get at D'Arque for messing with my friends. Anyway, thanks for the sketchbook! It goes with the rest of the costume!
{Noxigar winks at the Mayor, while exiting the Town Hall. Cut back to Chaos and Lex.}
LEX: You know, how the hell does this zombie asshole manage to get away with this type of stuff? I mean, really! You'd think a mass brainwashing would be something that would flash on some kind of federal radar, after all!
CHAOS: You gotta keep in mind that the rest of the government aren't particularly bothered about this state in the first place. It's not called "Listless" for no reason, after all!
LEX: Ugh, it's just wrong, okay? This man has gone far enough this time! We showed him mercy last time-..
CHAOS: No we didn't. He chased us out and got me arrested.
LEX: Yes, but that's besides.. Shut up! What I'm trying to say is that we need to show this bony bastard that we're not going to take this lying down!
CHAOS: That wasn't the case when I caught you in the-..
LEX: Don't even go there.
CHAOS: Go where? That was embarassing for me to see!
LEX: I wanted to forget!
CHAOS: Me, too.
LEX: So Noxigar's powered our electricity. Know where he went?
CHAOS: Yup. He left the house with a treasure chest full of gold. Apparently he thinks it'll pay the bills.
{Both of them laugh.}
CHAOS: That Mayor and I don't exactly click well, though. Not sure if his plan's going to work or if we're going to owe the Mayor more money.
{Noxigar suddenly shows up, without the treasure chest but instead the sketchbook. The camera zooms to the sketchbook, which reveals its emblem. The emblem is a combination of all ten Ravnica guilds7. Seeing Chaos and Lex, he approaches them.}
NOXIGAR: The transaction went without any hitches. I'm convinced our Mayor's possessed. He gave me this sketchbook thinking it was magical, and told me not to let David Bowie near it. Either our Mayor is genuinely batshit insane, or someone's possessing our whole town. Total solace. No lines, the money was calculated properly, nobody gave me any sass... I didn't have to get into my Latula Pyrope costume in order to talk to the Mayor for more than five seconds.
CHAOS: Question: why do you have a Latula Pyrope costume?
NOXIGAR: Answer: for the hell of it.
{Chaos' jaw drops.}
NOXIGAR: Although, even though everything went smoothly, the Mayor did mention he was still careful about you. So the signs he gave that he was possessed or "out of character" were more ambiguous.
LEX: So... his level of possession is probably minimal, compared to the rest of the town.
NOXIGAR: I'm leaning towards his approval of whatever scheme D'Arque's got today.
CHAOS: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The Mayor... gave you a sketchbook... after you gave him a treasure chest full of gold...?
NOXIGAR: Yup. Good abridgement of the events.
LEX: Don't worry, Chaos. I'm a bit confused by this, too.
NOXIGAR: Now I have to put this sketchbook away and go see about confronting this D'Arque guy or whoever runs that asylum we conveniently are near.
{Noxigar runs upstairs.}
LEX: I sometimes wonder how so many dysfunctional people were able to fit inside one house.
CHAOS: Me too, man. Me too.
LEX: So, my rambunctious commandeer? Shall we ready ourselves for another confrontation with the dastardly D'Arque fellow?
CHAOS: Yes, um.. of course!
LEX: Most excellent! We shall give this bony bastard a good butt-whopping!
{Lex runs upstairs, leaving Chaos behind, who sighs.}
CHAOS: I live with a bunch of idiots.
{Cut back to the D'Arque theatre interior, which is now being decorated in preparation for the victory ball. Several undead army members are making the designs, as D'Arque and Droll walk together down the aisle.}
DEBONAIR: Droll, I must say that I am quite thoroughly impressed. This plan worked out better than even I had expected!
DROLL: Thank you, my master.
DEBONAIR: No, my friend, thank you! I dare say that this never would have happened if it weren't for your involvement! You have really outdone yourself this time! Who knew that such a terrible medium could actually be used for good, eh? Now with the entire populace under our control, more people will see our shows, and before we know it, people from all over the state will be flocking over here to see the magnificent D'Arque theatre! We have surpassed the era of common indignity, what with all this technology out and about nowadays. Once again, theatre shall live again!
DROLL: I took extra care to ensure that this plan would work smoothly. I even went to special lengths in order to subdue the ruffians who caused this damage in the first place. I have no doubt that even they are under our command as our mind slaves. Perhaps now, they'll even know what dignity and class feels like.
DEBONAIR: I wouldn't count on that. Those fools wouldn't know class in any circumstance, even if it were thrust upon them. Still, it's better than nothing. Just wait, you'll see our names on all the papers before we even know it! The name "D'Arque" will no longer be the thing of memory, but the name that everyone will be speaking! That's more than we can say about that reclusive fool.
DROLL: Fool, sir?
DEBONAIR: Rosenberg. Hmph, it doesn't really matter, the man hasn't been relevant for decades now. I wouldn't be surprised if that worthless coot bit the dust a long time ago. Sad and disgraced, the man is nothing but a relic of the past. Anyway, enough of that malarkey! We've got bigger fish to fry now. This ball will be the most spectacular thing ever, and I do hope it will go without interruption. We don't want a repeat of last time's incident.
DROLL: Ha, a repeat shan't occur!
DEBONAIR: One should always check for flaws in the plan.
DROLL: No, I checked. That disagreeable Mayor was easy to possess, so his influence made it easier to possess the others via television!
DEBONAIR: Okay, so you sampled the influence on the Mayor, and thus you got the rest as well. Splendid!
{Cut to a wide-open and highly lit room, surrounded by various pieces of computing technology. Through the windows, you can see that the room happens to be rather high up in a city landscape. In the center of the room is a large supercomputer, with various wires connecting it to every other piece of technology. A female figure walks in, dressed in a rather stylish business suit. She walks over to the computer and types a number of commands into the keyboard. The monitor lights up, showing a collection of screens, monitoring various areas of Towningdale. The screen in the center and the top left are blank, however. A voice comes in through the monitor.}
????: You're back. That is most excellent. So I presume you have completed the task at hand, then?
WOMAN: Of course, Mr. Rosenberg. I am pleased to tell you that not only have I managed to access the Towningdale power grid, but I was also able to disable the power going through to the Wikihood house. D'Arque is absolutely oblivious to all of this, of course.
ROSENBERG: Just about figures. The man always was too proud to notice the things going on around him. Doesn't matter though. By the time he finds out, it will have been too late for him to act on it. Judging by my calculations, they should be going to confront him really soon now.
WOMAN: And then?
ROSENBERG: He cannot stand any type of failure or flaw in plan, no matter how small it may be in principle. If all goes as I believe it will, he'll probably lose his temper on the spot and banish them. Or kill them. Either is possible, but I believe the former is more likely. After all, as a public figure fixated on reputation and all that, I don't think he'll be willing to have a problem like that on his hands. I have already sent a group of scouting bots to drop a few pamphlets around, inviting them to our city. It is then where they will inevitably see one of these pamphlets, and make the choice to seek refuge here. Brilliant plan, if I may say so myself!
WOMAN: ...You are aware that this plan relies on.. well.. a lot of specific circumstances and assumptions, right? I'm just saying, it might not go that way.
ROSENBERG: I'm aware of that. But you need not worry. If there's a change in plan, I am prepared to forego subtlety in favor of a more direct approach.
WOMAN: Which is?
ROSENBERG: Kidnap.
{Cut to Noxigar in his room. He has one of his costumes on, as an elaborate disguise. It's an oversized black hoodie, with matching inside sweater, pants, gloves, and boots. The hood covers his face wholly, the costume is that big.}
NOXIGAR: Hmph. I don't want the asylum's leaders to identify me. While I'd be all gung ho for my flashy Latula Pyrope costume, if I'm spotted later after that I'm screwed. I don't want any new archenemies. The last time I had one... I traded my heart in the process.
{Noxigar opens his window to get going. However, he turns back, glancing at something on his desk. The camera shifts to the item - a bottle of Benadryl8. Noxigar picks up the bottle of Benadryl and sticks it in the hoodie's front pocket. He then closes his window shut, also shading it. He returns downstairs.}
NOXIGAR: So, we're good to go, I hope?
{Chaos sighs}
CHAOS: Why don't you go this alone?
{Lex comes downstairs, now dressed in a rather lame looking preppy outfit.}
LEX: But we need to give D'Arque a good ol' butt-whoopin'.
CHAOS: The problem with that, my dear, is that he can recognize two out of the five of us within this household.
NOXIGAR: If it were nighttime I'd have brought Oiracul along.
{Pan to Oiracul in her room, sleeping.}
CHAOS: And what about Remolay?
REMOLAY: Wait, what are we doing again?
NOXIGAR: Sabotaging D'Arque's plans to mind control the entire towne.
REMOLAY: I... could set up a business built around the notion of free will if that helps anything.
NOXIGAR: Hey, you've got surplus dough! Make a pizza!
{Everyone groans at the terrible pun.}
NOXIGAR: Here I go again on my own, walking the only road I've ever known!
{Noxigar darts out of the house. Chaos rolls his eyes and facepalms}
REMOLAY: Well, at least he didn't tell me to give his regards to Santa. Anyway, what business shall we actually delve into for the duration of this escapade?
CHAOS: He's not going to last out there by himself. Let's just follow him, and hope for the best.
LEX: The best?
CHAOS: Not the absolute worst. Come on, let's catch up to him.
{Chaos gestures with his arm for everyone to follow him, and he runs out after Noxigar. Everyone else trails on behind him. Cut back to D'Arque and Droll, who have adequately prepared the victory ball alongside their undead minions.}
DEBONAIR: Surely this can't get any better! I even bought some of the freshest groceries. Some modern technologies really are brilliant! In their survivalist way, of course.
DROLL: I shan't judge you for finding the other people of Towningdale to be resourceful.
DEBONAIR: I can hardly fault them if not for some modernist nonsense that keeps happening. It's really a good thing I don't need cable.
DROLL: Anyways, I'm going to go set up the video game consoles we've got.
DEBONAIR: You... actually have one of those contraptions?
DROLL: Why of course, milord! I had other hobbies before I decided to use my necromancy on you and your friends!
DEBONAIR: Fair enough. Surely you have quite the collection, no?
DROLL: Not very many games, but a couple party ones on the N-64 as well as a racing game or two. I guess we can exploit our total control over the town by heading to their Walmart and ransacking every game they have on the shelves!
DEBONAIR: While I'm most grateful, I'll politely pass on that idea. We should try to maintain a proper facade of mutualism, or otherwise symbiosis! If we're found out to be parasites, the other towns might be on our hides!
{Cut back to Noxigar and the others. He's readied two freshly-painted Freeshooters, both red now, and is busy filling them up with darts.}
NOXIGAR: Roxanne and Maxamillion are going to have a heyday with D'Arque and his asylum staff.
{The others look at Noxigar weirdly.}
REMOLAY: Who names their crossbows "Roxanne" and "Maxamillion"?
LEX: Don't ask, please.
NOXIGAR: And now, Roxanne and Maxamillion will go on their honeymoon this day!
REMOLAY: Did he get high before doing this? Who knows what chemicals he dabbles with on a regular basis?
CHAOS: I honestly hope he at least makes a go for the goblin, whatever his name was.
LEX: Droll.
CHAOS: Right, Droll.
{Noxigar climbs up the southern wall of the mansion, finding a route through the ventilation already made.}
NOXIGAR: Chaos, you clever little sneak. Thanks!
{Cut back to Chaos.}
CHAOS: I really need to clean up my trail better next time I spy on D'Arque.
REMOLAY: Wait, you didn't clean up? What if Droll or someone else finds out about the trail you made?
LEX: We should set up a decoy on the front.
CHAOS: That decoy should be "stay out of trouble." Besides, they can clearly see us through the windows. That is, if the mosaic drapes weren't blocking their view of us, while we get the vantage view.
REMOLAY: I still can't believe he'd nickname his crossbows "Roxanne" and "Maxamillion." I at least know one of those names is spelt wrong, but I can't put my finger on which!
CHAOS: I don't believe it.
LEX: What happens if he fails? We're just going to leave him at that?
CHAOS: The room for error in the plan is minimal.
LEX: But he wants to go guns-a-blazin' and kill them! You think he's going to succeed?
CHAOS: No, and that's why the plan will succeed.
LEX: Asshole, at least tell him he's marching into his death next time.
CHAOS: I also would have done that, again, if I expected that to happen.
LEX: Well you just know everything, don't you!
CHAOS: Is it really that hard to read into Noxigar? And on that note, is it ever a bad idea not to?
LEX: True, and true again, but is that really worth the false hope?
CHAOS: Depends on where you favor the hope being false in this scenario.
{Cut to Noxigar, who is almost through the vents.}
NOXIGAR: It's a good thing I didn't tell the others about my actual plan...
{Noxigar manages to wriggle out of the vent and make a mad dash for the nearest bathroom. After a moment of odd noises and rustling, he emerges dressed in old fancy clothing, concealing his weapons.}
NOXIGAR: Now to blend in...
{Noxigar treads lightly and tries to find a suitable place to mix in with the crowd. Upon several moments of trying to find a suitable place, Noxigar finds himself near a punch bowl. He goes over to the punch bowl and gets himself some punch. Before he actually nets any punch, he loosens his sleeves. Benadryl falls out of both sleeves, both loosened so Noxigar doesn't look weird in front of Debonair and Droll. After dancing awkwardly (which triggers some darts to fire off and go in directions), Noxigar drinks the punch, gulps it down, and then proceeds to head to the bathroom to change back into the clothes he wore prior. Intermittently, Undead dancers begin heading over to get punch during a break from dancing. After a while, most of the dancers collapse, as though they've passed out.}
DEBONAIR: What the-
DROLL: What is it, sir?
{Droll looks about. More of the ball's participants collapse.}
DEBONAIR: Perhaps they became too festive? They hardly had a break from the dancing.
DROLL: Sir, I don't think-
DEBONAIR: Hm, there can't be a flaw in the plan! This ball was meant to go without a hitch!
{Debonair scratches his head.}
DEBONAIR: Perhaps I should get some punch myself.
DROLL: Boss, I think the punch has been-
{Debonair has already made his way to the punch bowl. He gets some punch, and begins consuming it. After a few seconds, he also collapses.}
DROLL: -spiked.
{An entity in a black hoodie (hood on, to preserve his anonymity v. Droll), with matching everything, finally steps out of the bathroom cackling wildly, with the two red crossbows in display.}
DROLL: Who are you? Do you work for Rosenberg?
NOXIGAR: Like I'd tell you who possesses Roxanne and Maxamillion? As if!
DROLL: Tell me who you are! My master will want to know!
NOXIGAR: As if! Your friends won't wake up for a good few hours. And that's enough time for me to put a hole through your so-called "master."
DROLL: You... you fiend!
NOXIGAR: The term's "Nobody." Mind if I spell it out for you?
DROLL: Yes! I mind!
{Noxigar wags his fingers}
NOXIGAR: One shouldn't judge by appearances.
DROLL: What did you do?!
NOXIGAR: A little Benadryl goes a long way.
{Noxigar begins combining Roxanne and Maxamillion into a larger crossbow, while Droll tries to work up a spell. He poises the crossbow at the goblin.}
DROLL: How... how did you not get possessed like the rest of the town?
NOXIGAR: Simple answer there, palsy. I don't watch television. I tried to in the past, in order to regrow my heart. Things like Glee, Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog, various things on ABC, 30 Rock, and all sorts of terrible films made by the likes of Edgar Wright, James Cameron, and even good ol' Willy Shakespeare himself - all just to regrow a fragile heart! I've settled to Netflix for my fix of entertainment recently - after I made an electronic substitute for my heart, that is. Unfortunately, the first season of House has not yet appeared there.
DROLL: Love to hear the sound of your voice, don't you?
NOXIGAR: As if! Anyway, what you've done to my friends is appalling! So now I must ask for you to undo the little spell keeping everyone in place. In... your place, that is.
DROLL: I've no idea what you're talking about.
NOXIGAR: As if! You wound up putting one of my friends in jail; you're trying to be my archenemy, Droll, and I tolerate no rivals! It's time for you and D'Arque... to see the light!
{Noxigar fires his longer crossbow. It narrowly misses Droll, because the goblin makes a last-minute dash to the left to avoid the shot. However, the recoil sends Noxigar flying out to the front doors, which spring open. After the front doors spring open, Noxigar rolls down a hill. In the process, his longer crossbow reverts back into the two crossbows, Roxanne and Maxamillion. Unfortunately, on the way down the hill, Noxigar mistakenly drops both crossbows. Chaos, Lex, and Remolay watch as this happens.}
CHAOS: Oh for god's sake.
{Chaos grabs his brow in frustration, before signalling the other two to stay at his side. On a count of three, they burst through the door gap, shocking Droll even more.}
CHAOS: DEBONAIR, WE'RE CALLING YOU-...
{Chaos surveys the scene of chaos and looks at all the unconscious undead, including D'Arque. He then looks at Droll, who's glaring at him with a strong look of disdain on his face.}
CHAOS: ...Out?
{Suddenly, Lex pulls out an alientech pistol and jumps in front of Chaos, aiming it at Droll.}
LEX: THE CREW ARE HERE. THE WIKIHOOD CREW, BITCH. DO PANIC, MOTHERLOVERS!!
REMOLAY: What the hell is he-..
{Lex fires two energy shots at Droll, but like the crossbow shots, they also miss, due to poor aiming skills. They singe the wall behind Droll, which annoys him even more. He starts marching towards them, full of fury.}
LEX: Wait a second, give me a chance to rechar-..
{Droll grabs the gun from Lex's hand and throws it at the wall, breaking it. Chaos shoves Lex out of the way and confronts Droll.}
DROLL: I cannot believe it! This plan, I thought I had it worked out perfectly! I even went to special lengths to ensure that you guys would feel the full extent of this! How the hell did you do it? And don't give me that simple-minded bollocks that other guy gave me! About.. archrivals and stuff.. Eugh, it doesn't even matter! You're all in for it big now!
LEX: We're here to kick your collective butts!
CHAOS: ...No, we're actually here to stop this control you have over the town! We've had it with just about here with you and your skeletal bastard of a master!
DROLL: Hmph, and what exactly are you going to do about it, huh? You're powerless to stop us nevertheless! Besides, we were here first. If you don't like how we're running things here, why don't you all just leave? In fact, I believe you've all overstayed your welcome. Permanently.
REMOLAY: Wait, how are you going to do that? Your entire army's just been knocked out, and you're nothing but a small creature! You can't do anything to us!
{Droll's demeanor suddenly changes, as he starts grinning.}
DROLL: True, I can't. And while yes, a few at my command may be incapacitated at this very moment, at this very moment, we're the last of your worry. Why not take your concern to the people instead?
CHAOS: Wait, what?
{The trio turn around to see an angry mob standing behind them, torches and pitchforks and all. They are holding Noxigar by the hood, and they toss him into the three, knocking them all down into a pile at Droll's feet.}
DROLL: Seeing as my master isn't in a fit enough state to act at this current moment, I guess I have to take charge in this situation. No matter though, I believe I'll be doing what he would have wanted in this situation anyway.
CHAOS: Goddamn it! You actually have us properly cornered this time. What are you going to do to us?
DROLL: Simple. I'm going to let you go.
LEX: What, like that? A simple slap on the wrist and we're on our way?
DROLL: Oh no, no. Don't be silly. You know exactly want I mean. I want you all to leave. Leave this town and never come back.
CHAOS: No, you can't do that to us!
DROLL: Oh, but I just did! From here on, you are all officially exiled from Towningdale for all eternity. Believe me, I am being merciful right now. If I wished, I could have you all exterminated like the insects you all are. But that wouldn't look particularly good for our reputation if word gets out now, would it?
NOXIGAR: And if we refuse?
DROLL: Well, I won't personally do anything, but I can't say the same for the angry crowd behind you. It's your choice really. Now, I would love to stay and chat, or see you all be torn piece to piece, but I have important matters to tend to. Goodbye now!
{Droll slams the front doors in their faces, leaving them alone with the angry mob. As they pick themselves up and regain composure, each of them are grabbed individually and lead outside the theatre grounds. Cut to the town outskirts, where they are finally let go by the mob and thrown into the dirt and dust. As the crowd leaves, the gang notice that the ground around them are littered with pamphlets. They pick themselves up again to notice two robots, throwing hundreds of pamphlets all around the place.}
NOXIGAR: Aww, look at the cute robots! Although I fear for Oiracul, given she's asleep.
CHAOS: What the hell are they doing?
ROBOT #1: DO YOU THINK THESE ARE ENOUGH PAMPHLETS?
ROBOT #2: HMM..
{Zoom out to show that the entire town's outskirts are littered with pamphlets.}
ROBOT #2: I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE. SHOULD WE PUT SOME MORE DOWN JUST IN CASE?
ROBOT #1: YES, I BELIEVE THERE'S NO HARM IN DOING THAT. ON THE OFF CHANCE THEY MIGHT MISS THESE PAMPHLETS DUE TO ANY REASON.
ROBOT #2: RIGHTEO, THEN!
{The two robots reach into their storage compartments and pull out more pamphlets, which they proceed to spread around the area.}
ROBOT #1: ON SECOND THOUGHT, I'M GETTING RATHER BORED BY THIS. MR. ROSENBERG SAID WE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SUBTLE IF WE DIDN'T NEED TO.
ROBOT #2: ME TOO. WANNA GO FOR THE FUN WAY?
ROBOT #1: DAMN RIGHT I DO. PAMPHLET FIGHT!!
{The two robots point their arms into the air, and their hands turn into little cannons. Thousands of pamphlets are blasted out at once into the air, which fall softly onto the ground, covering everyone in the area. The two robots cheer, and then proceed to have a pamphlet fight, scooping them up from the ground and throwing it at each other.}
CHAOS: How odd are they. What exactly are they throwing around anyway?
{Chaos reaches down to pick up one of the pamphlets. He looks at it for a couple of seconds. On the pamphlet is a picture of an idyllic futuristic-looking city, with the caption "Come to Midway City!". It is essentially a tourist leaflet.}
CHAOS: Midway city.. Hm.. looks interesting.
REMOLAY: Whatever it is, I bet it beats that hellhole of Towningdale.
{Pan over to the two robots, who have stopped what they were doing and are now observing the gang.}
ROBOT #2: OHHHHH, THEY SAW IT, THEY SAY IT!!
ROBOT #1: SEE HOW GOOD WE WERE? SEE HOW SUBTLE THAT WAS? I BET THEY BELIEVE IT WAS A PIECE OF LITTER OR SOMETHING. JUST A LUCKY COINCIDENCE.
ROBOT #2: LUCKY CO-INCI-DENCE!! WE'RE THE MASTERS OF SUBTLETY, WE ARE.
ROBOT #1: AND IT WAS ALL MY PLAN!
ROBOT #2: WHAT? YOUR PLAN? GET OUT OF HERE. IT WAS SO MY PLAN.
ROBOT #1: NUH-UH.
ROBOT #2: YUH-HUH.
{Pan back to the gang, who have noticed the two robots and heard everything they said.}
LEX: Are they talking about us?
REMOLAY: I believe so. What could they want with us?
{Chaos walks towards the two robots, who stop their squabbling and look at him.}
ROBOT #1: I THINK HE SEES US.
ROBOT #2: OH. BUGGER ME SIDEWAYS. QUICK, ACT NATURAL.
ROBOT #1: WAIT, HOW DO I DO THAT?
ROBOT #2: I DUNNO, JUST... ARGH!
{Robot #2 retreats back into his system, turning into a cube. Robot #1 follows.}
CHAOS: Excuse me?
ROBOT #2: ...HE CAN TOTALLY SEE US, CAN'T HE?
ROBOT #1: I TOLD YOU THIS PLAN WAS STUPID. IT'S YOUR PLAN AFTER ALL.
ROBOT #2: NO, IT WAS YOUR PLAN. YOU SAID.
ROBOT #1: NOOO. YOUR PLAN, STUPID!
ROBOT #2: WHO ARE YOU CALLING STUPID?
ROBOT #1: I'M CALLING YOU STUPID, STUUUUPID.
ROBOT #2: WHY YOU LITTLE-
{The two robots pop back out of their defense mode and begin to slap each other, until Chaos breaks them up.}
CHAOS: Okay, seriously! What's going on here?
ROBOT #1: OH.. WELL. UM.. WE WERE.. HIRED FOR..
ROBOT #2: WE WERE HIRED TO ATTRACT YOU TO OUR CITY VIA THE CLEVER USE OF PAMPHLETS. WE WERE INSTRUCTED TO LAY A FEW OUT AROUND THIS AREA SO YOU WOULD NOTICE IT AND BE ALL LIKE "COR BLIMEY, THIS IS A NICE CITY, INNIT?" AND YOU WOULD TOTALLY GO THERE.
ROBOT #1: WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE SEEN.
ROBOT #2: WE KINDA FAILED AT THAT.
CHAOS: Yeah.. um, it's good you came actually, because we were kinda kicked out of our last town. Yeah.
ROBOT #2: OH, WE KNOW. IT'S WHY WE CAME HERE. WE WERE LOOKING FOR YOU SPECIFICALLY.
ROBOT #1: YEAH! YOU.
LEX: Wait, what do you want with us?
ROBOT #2: IT'LL ALL BE EXPLAINED LATER. COME WITH US. WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURRRRREEE.
ROBOT #1: I LOVE ADVENTURES. WHOOOOO!
{Robot #1 presses a few buttons his control panel, and about a minute later, a truck rolls in, bearing the "Rosenberg Industries" logo.}
NOXIGAR: But what about Oiracul? She was still in the mansion!
ROBOT #2: DON'T WORRY, WE DEALT WITH HER ALREADY.
{Robot #2 opens the back of the truck to reveal Oiracul lying in her bed still, sleeping.}
ROBOT #1: HOP IN!
REMOLAY: This is all too sudden! First we're kicked out of a town, and then we're being propositioned by a pair of campy robots! How exactly do we know that we can trust them?
CHAOS: We can't really, but-..
NOXIGAR: They're so cute! Come on, let's do this!
{Noxigar grabs Chaos and Remolay and he jumps into the back of the truck. Lex follows. Robot #2 waves at them and then shuts the door, leaving them all in the dark.}
ROBOT #1: I CALL DRIVER'S SEAT!
ROBOT #2: AWW. BUT YOU WERE DRIVER LAST TIME! CAN I AT LEAST RIDE SHOTGUN?
ROBOT #1: ALRIGHT.
ROBOT #2: WHOO HOO!
{The two robots get into the truck through the driver's seat and they take off. Cut to the interior of the truck, which is being illuminated by another one of Lex's pieces of technology. In this case.. a flashlight.}
LEX: Well, I didn't expect this when I woke up in the morning.
CHAOS: None of us did, Lex. This day is just getting weirder and weirder.
NOXIGAR: Oh confound it! I'm short a few crossbows!
{Lex gives Noxigar Roxanne and Maxamillion. He puts them away.}
LEX: Nope. Pocketed 'em on my way in. Anyway, why the hell did you do that? You could've gotten yourself killed.
NOXIGAR: I thought my shot would've killed Droll, thereby negating his control over the masses.
CHAOS: Also, that pun you made was awful. "It's time for you and D'Arque to see the light!" Were you high when you came up with that one-liner?
NOXIGAR: As if!
{Everyone else groans.}
ROBOT #2: WE THOUGHT YOUR ONE-LINER WAS PRETTY APT!
LEX: Who exactly are you two, anyway? And what do you want with us?
ROBOT #1: OH. MY NAME IS FRITZ, AND MY DORKY YOUNGER BROTHER IS CALLED LANG. ANYWAY, WE ARE PROGRAMMED WITH GPS-ES SO YOU CAN BE DIRECTED TO ROSENBERG. HE HAS DECIDED TO PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE WITH YOU AGAINST DEBONAIR D'ARQUE.
REMOLAY: Rosenberg? Who is that, anyway?
LEX: I think I might know. The name rings a bell at least, but I'm not sure if it's the one I'm thinking about. Surely he must have died a long time ago...
CHAOS: Anyhow, this is definitely going to be an interesting ride. How long is the journey?
FRITZ: IT'S GOING TO BE ABOUT ANOTHER HOUR. SO BUCKLE UP KIDS, FOR THIS IS GOING TO BE A WIIIIIIIIILD RIDE.
LANG: PUT THE PEDAL ON THE METAL, WHOO!
{The robots drive the truck into the horizon as the sun sets. The episode fades out with Steppenwolf's Born to be Wild playing in the background.}
1. God have mercy on us all.
2. Muppet Treasure Island reference. Unfortunately, I only remember the Cabin Fever song.
3. We don't want people to stop watching our show!
4. This song is pooooiiiissssoooonnnn
5. Remember "magic sketchbook" and other stuff? It's actually a commonality in some mythos, I think.
6. Reference to Linkara, a regular on the "The Guy With The Glasses" website. Common catchphrase of his, yadda yadda.
7. Magic: the Gathering has this Ravnica block and their current Standard Format is a "Return to Ravnica" shindig.
