Wikihood/arc/38

Synopsis

Groceries.

Transcript

{Noxigar is at a grocery store, in the produce aisle.}

NOXIGAR: Alright, let's see about a list.

{Noxigar takes out a list of groceries. "TOMATOES" is the first part of the list.}

NOXIGAR: Ah, tomatoes. Biologically a fruit, nutritionally a vegetable.

{Noxigar selects 12 tomatoes and continues down the list.}

OH NO

Chwoka writes an entire freaking episode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just gimme a bullet-point list of what you want to happen this episode (be vague) on the talk page and I will copy it here:

• Noxigar buys groceries.
• Introduction of Theta
• Food shortage at the Wikihood house leads to rationing; victory gardens
  • As such, they encounter the WAR AT HOME
    • [Editors Note: War on Drugs analogy?]

I will disregard this handily at my whim, but I'll try to make sure everything is the same as you want it at the end. Just skip ahead to the next episode and I will pound this baby out, and you're not allowed to complain. No, really, I don't care if you think you're "out of character", nobody gives a crap if it's entertaining. Also, it is canon and will always be canon. The page will be protected after you gimme the list. GO.

Transcript (Don't even fix spelling mistakes I am dead serious)

{Open: The kitchen. Noxigar walks in, with a single brown bag. Chaos and TJ are standing around, drinking beers.}

CHAOS: Oh, hey, got the groceries there?

NOXIGAR: Ohhhhhh yeah!

{Noxigar pours out the bag, which is filled with seeds.}

TJ: Noxigar, I'm pretty sure we don't eat seeds. We're not plants.

CHAOS: {to TJ} Plants don't eat seeds.

TJ: {to Chaos} Really?

NOXIGAR: No, no, no, the idea is that we start our own garden and grow our food. You know, live off the land.

{Pause}

CHAOS: But what do we do for food now?

HOW THE GANG GOT THEIR GROOVE BACK

{Cut: Chaos closes the fridge.}

CHAOS: Man, that Noxigar sure is crazy, eh?

TJ: Crazy... like a fox!

{laugh track}

{Cut: Noxigar eating roadkill off the side of the road illuminated only by headlights (don't worry, it's all camera trickery and makeup!) Cut back.}

TJ: So, then, what are we going to do?

{Sephiroth walks in.}

SEPHIROTH: Hey guys what's going on in WOAH. Look at all these seeds!

TJ: I know man, Noxigar bought them, and he wants us to grow our own food now.

SEPHIROTH: You can't grow cheese! Now what are we supposed to do with our corn chips?

CHAOS: You can't grow corn chips either.

TJ: No, those are made of wheat.

CHAOS: Really?

SEPHIROTH: Are these edible?

{Sephiroth puts a seed in his mouth and immediately spits it out.}

SEPHIROTH: No, no, this is not edible.

TJ: Not edible? Should we call a doctor or something?

CHAOS: No, his insurance won't cover it. Don't worry, I can handle it. Take deep breaths...

TJ: I'm pretty sure deep breaths won't help.

CHAOS: Hey, I know CPR, alright?

TJ: Alright, but I'm just saying.

SEPHIROTH: No, I'm fine guys.

CHAOS: That's just what they want you to think.

{Pause, as everybody looks at each other.}

{Cut: Back behind the house. Znex rubs the ground and stands up.}

ZNEX: Yeah, gonna be a good, wet year.

CHAOS: How do you know that? Do you use some sort of almanac for farmers?

ZNEX: I follow the sun.

NOXIGAR: Wow, that can tell you the weather?

TJ: Sure, if you stare at it long enough.

{Noxigar begins looking at the sun.}

ZNEX: Old Indian secret. What do you think I did with all that time?

CHAOS: Dude, I'm immortal and have lived since, like, forever. How did I miss out on this?

ZNEX: You were too busy with your whiz-bang technology to stop and grow, then smell, then harvest the roses, I guess.

CHAOS: Oh, yeah, technology. Like the Aqueduct. Or the vertical loom.

TJ: Chaos, can we go inside? I wanna video game.

CHAOS: Okay, fine. Let's go.

{Everybody but Noxigar exits stage right.}

NOXIGAR: Is it the sunspots? Am I hot or cold?

{Cut: Theta, around a corner from where everyone is.}

THETA: They've narrowed down their food source? They don't seem to know that there's a supervillain on the block!

THETA'S FOIL SO THAT HE ISN'T JUST MONOLOGUING: You haven't really made yourself apparent at all.

THETA: Shut up! A true mastermind doesn't let you know he did anything at all, but still gets his way.

FOIL: Then you're annoyed when nobody knows who you are.

{Pause.}

THETA: Anyway, all I have to do is find a way to stop these plants from growing... what do plants need to live? Rhetorical question, sunlight and water.

FOIL: So you're going to poison the water? Okay, that seems reasonable and subtle to boot. I'm up for that.

THETA: I'm going to block out the sun!

FOIL: ...you're retarded.

THETA: If I was retarded, would I know how to science?

{Pause.}

FOIL: You know, I'm just going to poison the plants. You run along and block out the sun.

{cut, night: Foil taking an eyedropper and putting a bit of poison over the rows. Theta drags a big patchwork black quilt in. Foil stops and turns to Theta.}

FOIL: What is that?

THETA: Well, it's a big blackout curtain that I'm gonna suspend over the garden. It turns out it's kinda expensive to launch a giant sphere into space, and NASA wouldn't help.

FOIL: This idea is the very definition of subtle. Who'd notice a giant quilt over their garden?

THETA: I know you're mocking me, but I won't let your negativity get into my sphere.

FOIL: Is that the same sphere you tried to launch into space? Well, I'm gonna keep doing my thing. You know, like double-bagging.

THETA: I don't double-bag, the stuff rubs against one another and friction tears it apart.

FOIL: ...Are you breaking up with me?

THETA: Maybe I am!

{Cut: The gang at the farm, later that day.}

ZNEX: Why isn't it growing?

CHAOS: Is it that tarp?

ZNEX: I watered it often...

TJ: I'm pretty sure it's the tarp that's blocking the sunlight.

ZNEX: Hey, who's the farming expert here?

{Noxigar rolls up the tarp, and the plants start visibly growing.}

ZNEX: See? I did well enough without your help.

{Half the plants turn to dust.}

ZNEX: It's all your fault.

TJ: What are we going to do now?!

NOXIGAR: Let's look to the sun for guidance!

'{Noxigar begins staring at the sun again.}

TJ: Yeah, you do that. Over in Realityville, population four, what are we going to do?

SEPHIROTH: We have to resort to desperate measures!

{Sephiroth crouches down and begins shoveling dirt into his mouth.}

SEPHIROTH: It's mine! You can't have any of it!

CHAOS: Stop that! We're civilized people.

CHAOS: We don't use our hands to eat!

{Chaos gets a spoon out and eats dirt that way instead.}

SEPHIROTH: Hey, this is my turf! Get off my turf!

CHAOS: More like Astroturf.

SEPHIROTH: Oh that it is it it is on it is on

{Chaos and Sephiroth begin undressing furiously.}

CHAOS: Oh I have had it up to here with your bull Sephiroth

SEPHIROTH: You wanna mess with this you wanna mess with this

NOXIGAR: Guys!

CHAOS: Shut up Noxigar this is between me and Sephiroth!

TJ: Fight! Fight! Fight!

NOXIGAR: Guys, something's moving in front of the sun!

{It grows dark. The fight stops.}

CHAOS: {shivering} It occurs to me that there was no real reason to take off our shirts, jackets, pants, and shoes before we fought.

ZNEX: You know, the ancient Romans fought and attended formal events completely naked. You have nothing to complain about.

CHAOS: {shivering} You think I don't know? I was there. Man, those were the days...

ZNEX: Yeah...

{Cut: Theta and Foil, around the corner.}

FOIL: I thought you said it didn't work?

THETA: It didn't!

{Sting!!}

{Cut back.}

TJ: Well, now that's too crises we have to deal with! First the food shortage, and now the sun blots out.

NOXIGAR: Well, there's clearly only one solution to both of our problems. We need to make a cannibalistic sacrifice to the Sun God.

ZNEX: I'm in.

CHAOS: {shivering} I nominate Sephiroth.

SEPHIROTH: {shivering} Oh don't you dare nominate me bitch I will beat your ass into the core of the Earth.

{Chaos and Sephiroth begin undressing furiously again, but just as they're about to violate modesty,}

TJ: Stop it you guys.

ZNEX: Yeah, nobody wants to see that.

TJ: Oh I wasn't talking about that...

{Pause}

TJ: I'm talking about the cannibalistic sacrifice. Why don't we just go down to the supermarket and get some actual food?

NOXIGAR: I nominate myself.

SEPHIROTH: {shivering} No.

CHAOS: {shivering} We can't go down to the market!

TJ: Why not?

CHAOS: {shivering} The sun's gone, folks! Everybody's gonna panic! Total collapse of civilization! It'd be downright lethal to go down to the market to get food. The general citizenry is liable to trample you down in their quest to hoard as much food as possible for the inevitable upcoming ice age.

TJ: Stupid has a point.

CHAOS: {shivering} No, the only solution is to go inside and board up all the doors and windows.

NOXIGAR: Why?

CHAOS: {shivering} Uh, duh, zombies.

TJ: Stupid doesn't have a point.

SEPHIROTH: {shivering} Can we just go inside already?!