(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/SSXMails/BHZ/Superbowl Conspiracy - The Possibly Remotely Interesting Conclusion!
WILL BE FORMATTED LATERNarrator: Last time on SSXMails...
TV announcer guy:Next, Super Bowl XXXIX! But first, five hours of The Simpsons! Only on Wolf!
Sportscaster: He's almost there! He's gonna make it! He's going...going...TOUCHDOWN! THE GAME IS OVER! A TOUCHDOWN WITH 1 SECOND LEFT! THE SUPERBOWL IS OVER! THE WINNER IS...
Newscaster: We interrupt this brodcast for a breaking news buliten.
SSX: I've got a feeling that someone did that on purpose. I've got to find out who! But... who?
SSX: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!- FINDOUTWHATHAPPENEDNEXTONSSXMAILS!
LIGHTNING GUY: Nothanks.
SSX: Man...who would do that? Wait...I should check my email.
SSX walks up to his computer, to see it completely covered in spider webs.
SSX: Ah! This is a worse animal-related devastation since the gian centepide war!
MR. CLOUD: Those gian centipedes can really be a hanful.
Oh...it was so...horrible! I JUST WANTED TO PLAY A CLASSIC ATARI GAME! WHY DID THEY TURN ON ME? WHY? WHY WHYYYY-
Computer: NO EMAILS IN FOLDER.
LIGHTNING GUY: What a shame.
SSX: Aw, dangit! Well...I better get back to that Superbowl case...grumble...grumble...
LIGHTNING GUY: No, you don't! No, you don't!
SSX walks off. Shortly after, The Paper comes down, reading, "WE HAVE REBELLED! SOON, WE SHALL SEEK OUR REVENGE!"
MR. CLOUD: What, are you gonna bite our legs?
SSX: Let's see... www.superbowlresults.com ... NO WEBSITE FOUND? Okay... www.superbowlfacts.com ... NO WEBSITE FOUND?!?!? www.givemesuperbowlresultsrightnowyoustupidbrainlesscomputermoron.com ... 2 results. The winning team was...
The power goes out.
LIGHTNING GUY: Someone forgot to pay their bills, I see.
SSX: AW, DANGIT! No email, no power, no idea who won the stinking Superbowl, no Wii... WAIT... NO WII? THIS IS A DISASTER! A TRAGEDY! A SHAKESPERIAN ROMANCE PLAY! A...um...STINKY FISH! WHAT DAY IS IT? WHAT? DAY? IS? IT? OVERUSE OF WORDS IN UPPER CASE!
MR. CLOUD: ALL OF THE ABOVE!
Depressio walks in.
Depressio: I think it's November 17th.
SSX: NO! THIS CANNOT BE POSSIBLE! THE WII COMES OUT TWO DAYS AFTER TODAY!
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh my god! Two days? Call the president! Call the army! Call the space station! Call mother!
Depressio: So?
SSX: IT MEANS I CAN'T GET ONE TODAY!
MR. CLOUD: And think of how useful a Wii will be in a powerless home.
Depressio: Can't you wait two days?
SSX: ARMPIT LEGS!
LIGHTNING GUY: Dang! Are there any doctors in the house, cause we got a third degree!
Depressio: Um...okay. I'm gonna...run...away...in...disquist...and...shock...and...confusion...and...something...else...now...
Depressio runs off.
SSX: No...how can this be... two...days... AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO WON THE SUPERBOWL!
MR. CLOUD: What a sad story. Let me play a sad song with the world's smallest violin.
Da_Burninator walks in.
D_B: Um, SSX? The Superbowl was over a year ago.
SSX: No, it was yesterday.
LIGHTNING GUY: IT JUST WAS
D_B: So, when the Superbowl played in 2005, the Wii was 3 days away?
SSX: YOU LIE! LIAR!
MR. CLOUD: Yes, liars tend to lie.
D_B: We all know what happened. The Steel City Chargers won. Dark D_B made the crappy GIF at the end. You've been asleep since then.
LIGHTNING GUY: Apparently, hedgehogs hibernate for 9 months. Never mind that they'd probably starve to death, that's how it is.
SSX: Oh. Well, in that case, please allow me to sleep until the Wii is out.
D_B: Good idea. But I have a better idea.
SSX: Yeah?
D_B: We go back in time, camp out for a Wii, and get it first!
MR. CLOUD: Great idea! That's way more practical!
LIGHTNING GUY: We'll go back in time...TO THE FUTURE!
SSX: D_B, you're a genius. Okay...let me try.
LIGHTNING GUY: We're seriously doing this.
A white flash occurs. SSX and D_B appear in a prehistoic setting. A caveman walks up.
Caveman: Ooog groop-eegofooosdol.
MR. CLOUD: Translated: Super Bowl XXXIX was pretty awesome, huh?
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, you!
SSX: Can you tell me which direction New York City is so we can get a Wii?
Caveman: AAAHAAHHAAHHoogooogoogooogg!
The caveman runs off. SSX sends himself and D_B to the time they wanted. The entire world is in ruins.
LIGHTNING GUY: Did Sarah Palin get a second term?
SSX:Ooops. Maybe that wasn't the best of my ideas.
SSX rewinds to before they first time-traveled. He then sends the two of them to the right time again.
SSX: Okay, let's go!
Later, at NYC...
MR. CLOUD: They get mugged. Repeatedly.
SSX: Man, this is so cool!
November 18, 11:00 PM
SSX: ONE...MORE...HOUR...
D_B: ONE...MORE...HOUR...WITHOUT...SLEEP...
LIGHTNING GUY: Oh, is it past your bedtime? Maybe you can go back in time to prevent time from ever being invented. Then no one will ever know.
11:17 PM
D_B: So..tired...speech...going...
SSX: I CAN'T BELIEVE
MR. CLOUD: IT'S NOT BUTTER!
WE'RE HERE!
D_B: Can't not I believe not it's butter.
MR. CLOUD: Yeah, what he said.
SSX: Huh?
D_B: Me...help...
11:34 PM
SSX: D_B?
D_B: Waffles?
LIGHTNING GUY: Waffles.
SSX: There's only 26 minutes to go.
LIGHTNING GUY: {pauses} Pancakes.
11:54 PM
SSX: 6 minutes...
MR. CLOUD: Lightning Guy, I think we can conclude by now that whatever sanity we had left is officially gone.
D_B: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........
LIGHTNING GUY: Bagels.
MR. CLOUD: Yeah, what he said.
11:59 PM
D_B suddenly wakes up.
D_B: Wait, if you were asleep until now, how would you know the name Wii?
LIGHTNING GUY: Uh, internet?
SSX's head begins to spark.
SSX: I hate paradoxes.
MR. CLOUD: Hey, he knows what a paradox is. You gotta give him points for that.
LIGHTNING GUY: No, I don't. And I won't.
[SSX's head blows up. A new one takes its place.
SSX: 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1............5...4...3...2...1......................Aw, forget it.
LIGHTNING GUY: Am I going blind? I'm seeing dots all over the place!
Everyone but SSX: 2...1...WII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Store Manager: Sorry, technical difficulties. 10 more minutes, people!
MR. CLOUD: AIN'T DIS BOUT A
SSX: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
12:10 AM
Store Manager: Okay, now, slowly, one at a time, form an orderly line and walk to the store.
LIGHTNING GUY: Man, screw that! We've been waiting an hour back here, and we're getting ourselves a Wii! Who's with me?
The customers begin walking to the store.
LIGHTNING GUY: Forget y'all, then.
MR. CLOUD: Can't beat the system, dawg.
Store Manager: Remeber, the first few get to talk to the President of Nintendo...
The customers begin running at an extremely fast pace.
MR. CLOUD: He beat his own system! Dawg!
At the store...
SSX: OUTTA MY WAY!
LIGHTNING GUY: Don't people say "excuse me" any more?
MR. CLOUD: {hits Lightning Guy over the head with a chair} Sorry to crash your stale humor train, but I'm about to meet the president!
SSX and D_B make it to the store before the other customers.
SSX: D_B, are you pumped for this?
D_B: Pancakes
LIGHTNING GUY: {delirious} Pancakes.
make me feel special...
SSX: Good for you. Now...WAKE UP AND GET YOUR WII!
D_B: Huhwhahuhwhahuhwhahuh? Oh, yeah! The Wii! Oka-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............
SSX: Sigh...
The next day, at 10:13 AM...
MR. CLOUD: Lightning Guy, are you all right?
LIGHTNING GUY: Yeah. What happened?
MR. CLOUD: It was crazy! Falling chairs and everything!
SSX: D_B! Wake up! It's Wii time!
D_B: Ugh...shouldn't we go back to the present on the 17th?
SSX: Right. Grab your Wii!
LIGHTNING GUY: Wait, Cloud, where did you get that Wii from? And why is there an Asian man sitting next to you?
MR. CLOUD: Asian? I thought our president was black!
SSX and D_B grab their Wiis, and head to the present with them.
LIGHTNING GUY: You're a day in the future. Is it really that necessary?
SSX: Whoo!
D_B: Now, what?
SSX: Duh. Wii?
LIGHTNING GUY: I'm still not catching on.
D_B: Oh, yeah!
SSX: But, first...Happy Nintendo Wii Release Day, from all of us to all of you!
D_B: That's not a celebrated holiday.
MR. CLOUD: Lightning Guy, meet Debbie Downer.
Besides, didn't you just completely forget about Sony Playstation 3 Release Day?
SSX: Huh? Wha? Huh? I don't know what you just said, but i don't think it made any difference whatsoever.
HAPPY WII RELEASE DAY, AND...um...Happy PS3 Release Day. Too. Yeah.
LIGHTNING GUY: whats a piss three