RiffText/Comp/5

Comp part 5

(Dev and Meta sit in the dark void. A drum gently beats)

Meta: Do you hear it? The drums?

Dev: Time is running out.

Meta: We've been there since the beginning. Since the wheel, since the light. We saw mankind take its first steps on land, in the sky, now even into space. Millennia of technological and human advancement. This is a project that can NOT end now!

Dev: We need him.

Meta: We do. To think after all this time, our fate lies in the hands of one of them. We must monitor his progress.

NAMINE: I was kind of hoping Cleo had more relevance to this, but okay.

(Red and Adrian sit in a room)

Adrian: Are you sure its a good idea to put pineapple on pizza?

Red: Am I sure!? Why would you NOT put pineapple on pizza, it's the only way!

Adrian: I don't know, Red, it's it's it's like, you can enjoy pineapple-less pizza?

Red: Pineapple is the best fruit! What else are you going to put on a pizz!?

Adrian: Olives

Red: OLIVES!? Olives aren't even a fruit

NAMINE: Yeah, they... they actually are. Surprisingly enough.

Adrian: Okay okay geez, you you you she-witch. If we need a fruit, why not regular apples? All of the flavour with none of the pine!

Red: ORDINARY APPLES!? ON PIZZA!? WHOSE HEARD OF THAT!?

NAMINE: To be fair, I haven't

Adrian: Whose ever heard of PINEAPPLE on pizza?!

Red: Hawaiians!

Adrian: Well we're not Hawaiian, we're-

Red: WE'RE getting pineapple on pizza! It's the only way to enjoy pizza, it's pizza meta. You keep up with pizza meta, don't you?

Adrian: Why don't we order two pizzas, I just don't want pineapple

Red: We've no cash. We've no cash. We can't, we can't, we've got no damn cash.

Adrian: We don't? It only costs an extra five bucks

Red: Nah, dude, 7 bucks for a pineapple pizza, which means to order two would cost 14 whole bucks.

Adrian: Why are we ordering two pineapple pizzas, I don't want pineapple!

Red: You do! We're doing it now!

Adrian: Wait, final compromise. Pineapple on half?

Red: Let me think. I'm mulling your propositon over. I'm mulling it good.

Adrian: You mull that proposition.

Red: I'll...I'll mull it so hard that- okay I'll get pineapple on half.

Adrian: Great! I can't-

Red: YOU FUCKED UP, ADRIAN!

Adrian: What?!

Red: We were never ordering pizza! Only winners order pizza! There was never a pizza, you don't deserve it! This was all a test, Adrian, a test! To see if you could stand up for yourself and get the hypothetical pizza you deserved, but you didn't do it!

NAMINE: Red, you weren't "testing" Adrian, stop being full of crap.

Adrian: I didn't?

Red:: You didn't stand your ground, you failed, you screwed it up! Now you're banned for pizza, for life, until you understand standing up for yourself meta, Adrian, you wimp, you coward, you shit!

Adrian: You...you sure did pull the wool. Over my eyes.

Red: I did. This is training meta,

NAMINE: Not everything has to BE this self-referential, or has to be done using the MOST EFFECTIVE TACTIC AVAILBLE

to get you to stand up for yourself I gotta...make you think you're getting a pizza! But the only pizza here is you! Because you're a pizza trash!

Adrian: I am. You're right. I've failed you.

Red: Seriously though, you want a pizza?

Adrian: Nah. I think I need to go think about some things. Have fun.

(Adrian leaves, leaving Red, who dials the phone)

Red: Hello? I'd like one medium pizza, with no pineapple.

(Adrian is at the beach, staring at the sea)

Adrian: What happened, Adrian? How did this happen to your life? You play one video game and bam. Tasked with saving the world. I can't do this. I can't do anything. Red's right. I'm not cut-out for this. Eugh.

NAMINE: So... can this story end now? I see no purpose in rooting for Adrian now. This is a horribly contrived Despair Moment, or whatever the term for this would be. I can't list it off the top of my head.

(A little girl walks over. Her name is Ife)

Ife: Excuse me, mister, are you okay?

Adrian: Um no, I'm Adrian.

Ife: Oh. I've never heard of that emotion.

Adrian: It's a bit like anxiety, just with more supernatural abilities.

Ife: That's interesting. I was asked to talk to you because you're in prime beach towel territory and my family wants you to move.

Adrian: Move...? MOVE!? Listen up, I'm done listening to other people. I'm gonna sit in this part of the beach, and I'm gonna mope, and there's nothing you can do about it!

Ife: What? I mean we asked you politely and everything!

Adrian: I-I-I I don't care you you you frickin' maroon! I'm going to stand up for myself and lie in this spot and that's final!

Ife: You're not standing up! You're lying there and writing your name in the sand!

Adrian: It's like a metaphor,

NAMINE: No. No. Not this "metaphor" crap. No.

I'm standing up in spirit, against your overly-authoritarian attitude, but my legs are tired because I walked all the way here so no I'm not actually going to stand up.

Ife: Well that's just stupid, you need a symbol to represent your "stand", your stand which is actually just being rude!

NAMINE: That would be Adrian's Stand Power, I reckon.

Adrian: I've got a symbol for you! The symbol is the letter F! As in eff off, you you you nerd! This is Adrian town, population one!

Ife: Well then. It looks like we've got a problem, because I'm not moving until you are!

Adrian: And I'm not moving until I feel secure enough in myself to do so! Which is never! So enjoy the view!

Ife: One moment.

(Ife walks off, then walks back with her mother)

Ife: This is the guy, mum!

Ife's mum: Excuse me, why are you provoking my child?

Adrian: I'm not! I'm simply being unnecessarily stubborn.

NAMINE: "I'm not wrong, but I'm totally wrong."

We've all been there, right?

Ife's mum: No, we have not been THERE because THERE is where you are sitting.

Adrian: Get a grip, lady!

Ife's mum: Fine, I will!

(Ife's mum grabs Adrian)

Adrian: Wait, no, I was once again talking metaphorically! My love for literature techniques has, as it often does, blown up in my face! Okay, think, Adrian, how to avoid being picked up by an angry mother meta! Uh, uh!

Ife: Mum is this one of those drug-doers?

NAMINE: Ife is a smart character.

Adrian: I've got it! Yes! I do drugs! I do weeds, and cracks, and crystal meths! I inject dank kusherino into my smackballs by the jiffy!

Ife's mum: Ah! A drugger!

(Ife's mum let's him go)

Adrian: That's right get back! Or I'll convert your daughter to the worst drug of all!

Ife's mum: Heroin?

Adrian: I was going to say Crusader Kings 2,

NAMINE: Welp, time for Google Meta.

{Google Meta}

NAMINE: That is not a sodding drug. I was expecting you to use Dominate 5 while in a full gimp suit, talking about crystal meth and acting like you're Walter White.

but that works as well! I've got a heroin gank in my back pocket and I'm not afraid to use it! Twice!

Ife's mum: We need to stay away from this man, Ife. I don't want him turning you into a terrorist with his drugs.

Ife: You go, Mum, but I'm like 8 now. I can handle myself. And I have a score to settle with this jerk.

Ife's mum: Be safe.

(Ife's mum leaves)

Ife: You've warded her off, but you will move! And besides, I know you don't do drugs!

NAMINE: Wow, why isn't Ife the Meta Master or whatever Adrian's supposed to be?

Adrian: Well actually I quite regularly take vitamin supplements-

Ife: I don't care what you take! Just get out my spot!

Adrian: I won't budge!

Ife: Not even for this?

(An ice-cream truck drives by)

Ife: I'll get you an ice-cream if you leave!

Adrian: Hm. Ice-cream is probably in the top tier of classic beach snacks. I'll consider it.

Ife: Alright! One strawberry and one-

Adrian: Strawberry? I'm not so sure on that flavour

Ife: It's the best flavour! It's pink!

NAMINE: Her reasoning is infinitely better than Red's, and she's actually trying to be nice.

Adrian: I don't really like pink, I feel as though pink foods bright colouring tricks you into making you think the item of food is more delicious than it really is.

Ife: What? It's strawberry flavoured-

Adrian: But are strawberries your favourite fruit?

Ife: I really like them-

Adrian: DON'T LIE TO ME, Honeydew melons are everyones favourite fruit. It's like, fact.

NAMINE: Adrian. For fuck's sake, you're supposed to be a traditional Hero. Act more likable, for fuck's sake. You're not following the hero meta at all. Hell, you're not even following the anti-hero meta

Ife: Okay, fine, what flavour ice-cream should I have?

Adrian: Phish Phood.

Ife: It's an ice-cream truck, it only does like 6 flavours. I don't think phish phood is one.

NAMINE: Ife gets an 8/10 on Sensibility.

Adrian: Well that's just...that's just reprehensible. And you offered me this?

Ife: Well, yeah, it's still good-

Adrian: No. I'm hurt. I'll never move now.

Ife: You're so impossible, oh my god.

Adrian: I mean technically I'm very possible, it's not too unlikely that

Ife: I just don't get it. All I wanted was the spot. It was warm. I-I-I

(Ife begins crying)

Ife: You're so mean!

Adrian: I...I...oh my god Adrian you made a child cry. You failed. You're no superhero. You're not clever standing up for people. That's not the meta. You can't make it like this. Hey...hey Ife?

Ife: What?

Adrian: Here. Take my spot. You can have it. Hell, I'll buy you an ice-cream. Would you like strawberry?

Ife: I...I would. Thank you.

Adrian: No problem.

(Adrian gives Ife an ice-cream)

Adrian: Thanks, Ife. You've helped me come to some realisations, today. Standing up for yourself is one thing, but there's no reason to be mean to people who aren't asking much of you.

Ife: You're being weird, can I please go talk to my mum now

Adrian: yeah sure later scrub. Now I've got some people to see.

NAMINE: Complete 180. I'm pretty sure Adrian's not a skater, or else that 180 stunt he pulled would have been a good thing.

(Red as at home, full, having eaten a pizza. Adrian walks in)

Adrian: You!

Red: Probably the eighth best letter of the alphabet!

Adrian: No, you! Red! The person!

Red: What is it!

Adrian: I am not putting up with your malarky no more!

NAMINE: The words Adrian should've said two chapters ago.

Red: Malarky!? How dare you! When have I ever engaged in malarky?

Adrian: All the time! Pushing people around, throwing water over them, acting like you're so great because you're trying to help train me! Well guess what, bucko, you're not helping at all!

Red: I'm not!?

Adrian: You're not! If your name was a series of abstract nouns and verbs it'd be "Not helping or being cool!" Because you don't! It's...it's an apt description!

Red: So what're you saying, you're going to stop training?

Adrian: I'm going to stop training with YOU! I don't need your help to know the meta!

Red: What?! That's not fair! None of this is fair! Why were you picked to have superpowers, Adrian!? I'm the one who knows all the things, you don't know any of the things, except for the things you know because I made you aware they were things! Like the meta!

Adrian: You're just mad cus I have powers and you don't!

Red: You've gone insane! The power of your powers has gone to your head, Adrian! Is this because I like pineapple on pizza?

Adrian: No, it's because you're dumb and I hate you and I'm done with you! You you you you bard! You jealous wench!

Red: These insults are in the lower percentage of insults!

NAMINE: What is the lower percentage? Do you mean lower percentile?

Adrian: I don't care! From now on, you and I are splitsville! Get outta town, Charlie Brown!

NAMINE: That was actually kind of clever.

Red: This is my house!

Adrian: Yeah well, Charlie Brown wants nothing to do with it! And neither do I! Goodbye, Red! Or should I say, "Goodbye, butt!"

Red: Say it if you want, I don't care!

(Adrian storms out)

Red: Ah jeez. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. But it doesn't matter. He wants to save the world, he can do it without me.

NAMINE: He probably will, honestly.

(The lights begin to fade in Reds room. A drum gently beats)

Red: Did I forget to cry until my dad paid the electricity bill for me again?

(Black tentacles emerge from the darkness, and wrap around Red)

Red: No, a shadow squid! The most sinister kind of squid! Help! Adrian! Cleo! Someone-

(Red is pulled into the darkness).

END

NAMINE: Please tell me that Red finally dies. He hasn't done anything redeemable in the entirety of this work so far.

{Short pause}

NAMINE: Why isn't Cleo the protagonist, honestly? Or even Ife. They're both better people.