RiffText/Bastard/Coolcat

Well... here goes nothing.

{Noxigar twists his own neck, prepared for the review ahead of him.}

YEAH, I'M COOL CAT, AND I HAVE GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDTASTIC MOVIE TO REVIEW. YEAH YEAH... COOL CAT SAVE THE KIDS IS THE GREATEST MOST BESTEST MOVIE EVER, IT'S SO GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVY! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHUHUHUHUH YEAH! COOL CAT LOVES KIDS! COOL CAT LOVES BABIES! COOL CAT LOVES ME AND YOU! WE ALL LOVE COOL CAT! BESTEST MOVIE THAN THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, STAR WARS, JURASSIC PARK, GONE WITH THE WIND, CITIZEN KANE, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, SCHINDLER'S LIST, THE SOUND OF MUSIC, THE DARK KNIGHT, JAWS, VERTIGO, GOODFELLAS, GODFATHER I AND II, FROZEN, AND FINDING NEMO!

NAMINE: At least we get a possible view of what kinds of movies The Bastard likes? I do think a chunk of this is sarcastic except for Guardians of the Galaxy.

OOOH, I HATE YOU BULLIES, CALLING ME A FAGGOT ONLINE!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! WATCH COOL CAT!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH

Who am I kidding, this movie is motherfucking trainwreck!

NOXIGAR: Aaaaaaaand we're back to Sincerity Mode.

The budget is lower than a penny, the acting is absolute mammoth-shit from start to finish, the story is fucked up; and not even in a gross manner, it's disjointed as hell; and their message about bullying is disastrous from beginning to end. Fuck this movie!

Now to start things off, this movie has been talked about so long, with people like I Hate Everything and YourMovieSucks.org reviewing on how bad it is, but it's not even the likes of The Room, Birdemic, Showgirls, Plan 9, Ben and Arthur, Battlefield Earth, Freddy Got Fingered, or Troll 2 in terms of its bad level, because these movies are actually so bad, they're great, hilarious, genius, lovely, entertaining, engaging, a work of art, and even downright interesting.

NAMINE: That's not what we're here for. We're here for a movie called Cool Cat. You're reviewing it?

Cool Cat, however, is more ebola-friendly than meets the eye. But here's what's baffling about this.

NOXIGAR: Again with the needless hyperbole. Throwing "ebola" and "cancer" as adjectives does not make your argument stronger.

A movie with a message about bullying can actually work. The concept is actually interesting to talk about for kids, especially middle school and/or high school students. But the thing is, if these kids need help to stop bullying, their best way is to talk to their teachers, principals, police officers, parents, therapists, or their closest friends; because there haven't been any good movie addressing the problems about bullying in America. I'm also talking to you, Cyberbully. Oh no, Emily Osment got trolled. I guess that's why TheMysteriousMrEnter is so bankrupt that he wanted to put trolls in the same league as cyberbullying.

My point is, I don't mind a movie where it talks about bullying, but in order to get the recipe right, it has to convey a proper message, and not something seen off of Reefer Madness, and this is where Cool Cat is a masterpiece of failure for delivering the message abysmally.

NAMINE: An actually impressive argument. With some phrasing changes, it might perfectly convey what message you wanted to say. I also feel like you could just end the review on this.

So the film starts out with Derek Savage, the creator and director of Cool Cat, and how sells out.

NAMINE: And how who sells out?

Though he got pissy at I Hate Everything since "IHE infringed Savage's precious copyright and removed the video, so he called him out, and then IHE and YourMovieSucks.org tried to tell him that the reviews are meant for entertainment purposes. Boo hoo goddamn hoo!"

NAMINE: Not liking the author is just as fine, assuming you can come up with a testimony of things which merit hostility towards said author.

So anyway, he reminds people to order these Cool Cat books. Hell, the soldiers fighting ISIS don't even want this. They have important things to do, like fighting terrorism for starting 9/11. SUPPORT THE TROOPS, GOD BLESS 'MURICA!

NOXIGAR: You don't need to involve current events into a review about a movie about bullying.

Now the film properly starts with newspapers which depicts that Cool Cat saved the bully crisis. But then, we see a little girl poorly acting in front of a green screened MS paint background being attacked by bullies. But wait, if she is attacked, then how come the headline said that Cool Cat saved them from the bully crisis a few seconds ago?

NAMINE: More than one act of the same atrocity took place at different times; I sincerely doubt Cool Cat's going to be able to get there unless he freezes time or causes time paradoxes. Then, he's bullying the laws of physics and essentially being a hypocrite.

So we meet Cool Cat, and I'm not taking this seriously. He is middle-aged, acts like a child, and the costume is poor. This is the running theme of this movie. And also, the editing is poor. Shadows of a cameraman is seen, and nobody was bothered to use After Effects. He meets a little girl, oh and before I forget. The reason why he's called Cool Cat is- get this, because everybody calls him cool. Even he, himself, the extreme narcissist he is since Tyler Perry,

NAMINE: Is Tyler Perry the actor for Cool Cat, or is this another "this guy is mainstream, and therefore bad" moments?

calls himself cool. He even has a shirt with his name, and posters around him. Isn't that COOOOOL? But no, he's not cool. The character is basically Derek failing miserably at making a hip and 2edgy4me furry for children. So much of a failure, that he, and the other characters say "groovy" in 2015! FUCK!

NOXIGAR: There are people who still say "groovy" in 2015, though. I suspect that it has fallen out of style, which isn't groovy.

So yeah, the girl comes in, and it turns into the creepiest David Lynch movie I've ever seen. Derek Savage has a pedophile look toward the kid when he lets her in, and the shit really hits the fan. So the girl and Cool Cat get text messages from the bully known as, *ahem* Butch. And for whatever stupid reason, Cool Cat insists on the girl to read the text message thinking that it would be good news. Derek Savage, kids are not that retarded. They and their parents have discussions about bullying, and hell, even gun safety. Yeah, the latter comes up later (SPOILERS!)

NAMINE: I have no idea what Cool Cat is, or how to even bother watching it. As such, I can't really say I'm too miffed about spoilers.

So Butch yells, "I love being a bully!" Yeah, and I hate watching this character, just yelling by announcing his traits, just like how I hate this movie, because this is fucking pointless. Is this the reason why America is a fucked up country nowadays? Just the bully pretending to be like some poorly-done James Bond villain with a terrible shade of the Joker? This is what Derek, the true American depicts society, am I right?

NAMINE: I have no idea who Derek Savage is. Other than that, and a few commas needing to be in places they should be, you actually have a solid assessment of what's wrong with the movie's plot and characters.

Then, Butch bullies Cool Cat, as he loses his cool. Seriously, Cool Cat is the worst role model in the history of kids' entertainment. Even Barney the Dinosaur and the goddamn Teletubbies aren't that fucking stupid.

NAMINE: Tangential much?

And by the way, it's nice to have Butch prank call Cool Cat across the street from him. So now, Butch graffitis the wall, and then sprays himself, for some odd reason. So now he calls his henchmen, or should I say, his boneheads- seriously, that sounds like a lazy rockabilly act from the '50s, like the ones that sold no records, were booed off from shows, and record companies getting them notice and firing them. So now Cool Cat, and the two girls find Butch, and he stops him in a pissed-off rage.

NOXIGAR: Those are all commas that are now un-needed.

Also, a neighbor walks in the scene, but walks away.

NAMINE: He probably just needs a private area to call the authorities so he doesn't get his ass beat?

So we see Daddy Derek and his wife cat? So they gave birth to Cool Cat- ew. Bestiality! I don't want to think about what he does on Rule 34 websites. DO NOT WANT!

NAMINE: There has to be a way to rewrite the apt sentences so they're more clear-cut. "Bestiality happens between Daddy Derek and his wife, resulting in Cool Cat. The thought of what the Father does in his spare time repulses me."

Next up, Cool Cat "surfs" the web, by getting a mean email. You think Derek would properly convey a message where you block a cyberbully, or even ignore it. But no, he was so stupid enough to reply to the cyberbully. So now he has dreams, sleeping with his eyes open. I guess Derek took notes from watching Free Birds, where a villain slept with his eyes open. How quaint.

Then the movie cops out,

NOXIGAR: How does something cop out? What is a cop out? What about the next scenes gives an indication of copping out?

and we get four musical numbers in a row, where Derek shows off his Van Halen guitar (infringement, am i rite?), and then he does a terrible job at rapping. If Eazy-E was still alive,

NAMINE: Who is Eazy-E? You need context.

he would look at Derek, and try to criticize him for not making Cool Cat as cool as him. Not to mention, this movie already gave me the AIDs.

NAMINE: People stopped sincerely saying that a long time ago.

{applause}

No, I'm serious. I'm about to die from HIV. There's a crisis going on. There were more people dying from it in 2003. Oh wait, what was I talking about again?

{Noxigar blinks.}
NAMINE: Aren't HIV and AIDS completely different diseases, even if you weren't fatigued by hyperboles, tangents, and horrifically bad ranting problems?

Cool Cat suggests songs for Derek, and the song is... ready for this? Cool Cat Likes to Rock N' Roll. This movie has got to be a joke. But then again, this movie must be a damn period piece. It's so timeless. So much of a period piece, that I'm bleeding all over. {rimshot}

NOXIGAR: That wasn't funny. Or witty.

NAMINE: Have you heard this one before?

NOXIGAR: No, but I've heard other period jokes exactly like this one in tastelessness.

But seriously, the songs suck. Like, the songs aren't catchy, they're not memorizing, they're not even fun. They're repetitive, and they're basically worse than A Simple Plan and Nickelback in terms of rock music.

NOXIGAR: I don't remember liking either rock band, but I do think the potshots and random comparisons need to cease. It's taking away from the reviewing of the plot.

So now, Cool Cat goes to Hollywood... with his mom's permission. But yeah, he goes to Hollywood, showing off the famous licensed cars. Infringement, am i rite? Back to the Future, Batman, Scooby Doo, Ghostbusters, James Bond; Daddy Derek doesn't like infringing copyright material. And I know I mentioned this, but the editing is a complete joke. The split between Derek and Cool Cat and his mom is just awkward beyond any reasonable doubt. The lowest budgeted movies aren't this bad at this.

NOXIGAR: General comparisons are a bit more appropriate for conveying that the editing and budget is indeed low. I still feel it's better to say that the editing and budget on its own is just low, though.

So Cool Cat plays with kids- seriously, I swear that Derek is a real-life Herbert the Pervert. And then we see Vivica A. Fox who is bored out of her mind, just so that she wants to get out of the picture entirely in order to come back on the set for the new Independence Day sequel. Erik Estrava also looked tiresome, only because... DERE HE IS.

NOXIGAR: That did not need to be bolded, or phrased like that.

NAMINE: Are you sure it didn't? Maybe that was part of the joke.

NOXIGAR: No, I mean the phrasing and bolding either sounds racist, or just plain unfunny.

And also, they questioned why Butch is in their property. I agree, why the hell is Butch in their property. They should call the police for having him trespass like this. And now, Butch destroys Cool Cat's sand castle that "he worked hard on," and once again, he loses his cool. This... this is painful. The worst role models for children are more helpful and reasonable than him. So now Cool Cat steps up his game, and teaching Butch a lesson. No, he doesn't kick him in the balls. No, he doesn't fight him. He screamed at him so loud that the bully runs away. I can see that, because Butch is 10 years old, and Cool Cat is a grown-ass adult, weighing 140 pounds, and 6 feet tall. There is no saving grace from this.

NAMINE: There actually isn't. At least you mentioned characteristics which help illustrate that Cool Cat's a lot in the wrong here.

Derek promotes the books yet again,

NAMINE: What books? I don't remember hearing of Derek Savage promoting books?

as this film tries to have children look both ways before crossing the street, which mind you, is boring as fuck. Then, Cool Cat's radio announces an AMBER alert about bullies taking candy from babies. Oh, it's Butch the bully, how surprising. How utterly shocking. What a twist. So the police officer, who is actually Derek's friend, and also a porn star (no joke, look it up), arrests the bully, and you think the movie might end. But nope, we got more shit to deal with.

NAMINE: "It pads even though the movie should be over by now," might've saved you a lot of words on the word count.

The sound mix becomes fucked up, and while we're at it, the movie turns into a gun safety movie, as Cool Cat and his kids find a gun that was conveniently placed in the garden. OH NOES! So Butch for some odd reason got out of prison, and grabs the gun and runs away. So Cool Cat tells his daddy, and the police come and arrest Butch again. So they all live happily ever after. But wait, Cool Cat provides a piss poor moral, of which consists of the same points I've been telling you about throughout this review, and the film ends.

Oh, and there's also a post-credit scene where, YET AGAIN, the stars of the movie talk about bullying.

NAMINE: Don't you guys call those "Public Service Announcements?"
NOXIGAR: Yes, and usually the movie's a lot more subtle about what the message is about.

So Cool Cocksucker.

NOXIGAR: Not his name.

One of the biggest horrors I came across.

NAMINE: Objectively false.

Cool Cunt

NOXIGAR: I prefer words that don't have wholly misogynistic etymologies, like "Appendix." Cool Appendix is at least a nickname which heavily implies how worthless our feline protagonist is.

isn't even a movie at all. It is an example on how you shouldn't make kids movies like this. Derek Savage can't even properly convey a message about bullying, so he has a mindset, thinking that all children are retards, when in reality, they are not. However, remember in the beginning of the review that I said that people talk about this movie, and then I complained that it's an "ebola-friendly" film? Well, I stand by it, but if you watch more and more, it's actually one of the best worst movies ever made in terms of the quality.

NAMINE: You didn't say a positive thing about the movie. You can't say something is so bad it's good if you don't list positives which make the bad seem good.

It's unintentionally hysterical from start to finish, much like the so-bad-its-good movies I mentioned like The Room, Freddy Got Fingered, or Showgirls. If you're in a mood for watching the worst thing ever, and hell, if you want to do some riffing, I recommend this movie. It is the most glorious thing... ever!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go ahead and watch a film about a angst nu metal dog who stands up and tackle all child molesters. Spoiler, the movie ends with some anal incest with his dad.

NAMINE: That wasn't funny.
NOXIGAR: I just don't get it.

JOIN ME IN MY NEXT REVIEW!

Oh, and I'm sorry if I didn't continue Rock History Month. :(

NOXIGAR: It's... fine? Priorities.

COOL CAT IS OWNED BY DEREK SAVAGE