(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/88GiftIdeas
NOXIGAR: Hm, I could use gift ideas because a beloved friend of mine always has a birthday that I remember.
Every day, people are dying in wars and oppressive conditions. I’m not here to talk about that.
NOXIGAR: Then why open your concept with it?
No, I’m talking about another everyday occurrence – people not knowing what to buy for birthdays! I’m sure you’ve been in that situation before, unless you’re a cold-hearted person who is against buying gifts because of capitalism being evil or somesuch or a lonely recluse who doesn’t actually know anyone very closely.
NOXIGAR: I'm the latter amongst that demographic, unfortunately.
Well, fear no more! Will is here to show you the way! Now, I make no claim to these being good gift ideas, as they should be highly personalized, but these are certainly gift ideas. Think about it.
1. food
NOXIGAR: Hey, this being number one means this is legit! Of course, I'm gonna have to make an exception to boxes of Captain Crunch for this friend. She, uh, already knows someone who does that as a gag and it ain't funny when they do it.
2. skydiving lessons
3. money
NOXIGAR: Money's also nice.
4. “101 Dalmatians”
5. internet
NOXIGAR: Did I make the mistake of thinking this was serious?
NOXIGAR: That's actually a problem I run into with other stuff.
6. AXEã body spray
NOXIGAR: I prefer AXE body wash. I do need to restock the Chocolate-scented wash, though.
7. clothes
8. a hi-fi stereo
9. an eclipse
NOXIGAR: Uh...
NOXIGAR: Not even gonna go and see which reference this is supposed to be.
10. “101 Dalmatians”
NOXIGAR: You said this already.
11. puppets
12. water
NOXIGAR: Uh... do you mean I should buy her an estuary? That'd be a nice gift, but it'd cost me some real estate that I don't quite have the funding for yet.
13. schooling
14. 8 (or more) rabid feral cats
15. dingo
NOXIGAR: Woah, undomesticated animals are unrealistic gifts! Some neat ideas, though.
16. somebody to love
NOXIGAR: I have unrequited love issues with this friend that I really don't want to resurge for her sake.
17. “101 Dalmatians”
NOXIGAR: This is, what, the third time you've said 101 Dalmatians?
NOXIGAR: Rule of Three means you stop doing it now, so I'll let sleeping dogs lie.
18. a wrecking ball
19. warmth
20. sensitivity training
21. their own circus
NOXIGAR: Okay, these ideas slowly start to be-
NOXIGAR: I mean warmth is fine, since a heater is a p. cool gift
NOXIGAR: But these other gifts don't make any sense. Maybe it's just me.
22. an orange
23. another orange
24. one more orange
NOXIGAR: Okay. The orange thing isn't funny. It's annoying.
25. a flamethrower
26. “101 Dalmatians”
NOXIGAR: This... is annoying.
27. a reality show
NOXIGAR: I actually considered this.
28. electricity
29. another orange
30. sunglasses
31. firearms
32. fire arms
33. “101 Dalmatians”
NOXIGAR: I think more than four times is more than enough for this.
34. a swift kick in the teeth
35. teeth (for kicking)
36. another orange
37. two turtle doves
NOXIGAR: And a patridge in a pear tree, right?
38. a job
39. marketable skills
NOXIGAR: My friend probably has both already.
40. eggs from Malta
41. ambition
42. “101 Dalmatians”
43. children
NOXIGAR: No. Wait, adoption can still happen.
44. the weight of the world
45. seven
46. grammar
47. every comic book
48. The Pittsburgh Pirates
NOXIGAR: Better hit the sports book!
NOXIGAR: Wait, I've still got a few months 'til I hit 21.
NOXIGAR: Hm...
49. “101 Dalmatians”
50. a gift idea list
NOXIGAR: HA ! HA ! HA ! HA !
51. fire
52. microscope
53. another orange
NOXIGAR: These oranges are also a bother.
54. film reel
55. fire exit
56. a lisp
NOXIGAR: ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY
NOXIGAR: GET THEIR FRIEND A LISP
57. negligence
NOXIGAR: The options are "No" and "Hell No"
58. abstract concepts
59. running gags
60. meta jokes
61. inspiration
NOXIGAR: Most people say I'm insufficient at all of these.
62. a beach vacation
NOXIGAR: This was another good idea!
63. old man winter
64. used candles
65. squiggly red lines (for putting under words)
66. eyeballs/meatballs
NOXIGAR: These, on the other hand...
67. conscience
68. “101 Dalmatians”
69. ITEM REMOVED
NOXIGAR: Wait, why is the 69th item removed?
{Beat}
NOXIGAR: HA ! HA ! HA ! HA !
70. vacuum tubes
71. punctuation
72. another orange
73. a “barbeque”
NOXIGAR: My friend loves that barbecue!
74. dolphins
75. eyebrows/meatbrows
76. variety program
77. ram + shama lama ding dong
NOXIGAR: What? Why are these items even-
78. another orange
79. loneliness
NOXIGAR: Not giving her loneliness. That's just stupid.
80. a ruler
81. “101 Dalmatians”
{Noxigar wheezes}
82. gravely voice
83. China
84. pets.com
85. another orange
86. one-eyed, one-horned, flyin’ purple people eater
87. a comet
88. a marching band
NOXIGAR: Well this is a lousy way to end a gift idea list. About 75% of these items were terrible! Not to mention oranges and "101 Dalmatians" being repeated over and over. What kind of gift list is this?
