Con email.wue/120

Summary

The battle between EVIL inc, The Cheat Commandos and the 'Freelancers' has begun. Whilst they're fighting, Conchris and Homestar finally get back to their own universe and goes on a treasure hunt in the desert with Strong Sad and Pom Pom.

Characters in order of appearance (As of 20/11/07): Conril, Mistar Badd Spelin and Gramma, Gunhaver, Reynold, Firebert, Mr. Person, Cruroar, Cruria, Conchris, Homestar, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Strong Sad, Pom Pom, Narrator (Voice only), Onion Homestar, Onion King of Town (as the pyramid)

Transcript

Part 1: Battle of the Day (79 (on 1440x900 resolution) lines)

{Cut to a battlefield, the field is grey, lasers fly everywhere and some Cheat Commando Storage Trucks come by, some Green helmets walk on screen, few getting "killed" by the lasers, cut to the base, Conril and Mistar Badd Spelin and Gramma are surveying the battle}

CONRIL: Hmm... So they want to play games, huh? Well, Mistar Badd Spelin and Gramma, send out the Hax Missiles!

MISTAR BADD SPELIN AND GRAMMA: {brings out a walkie-talkie} Fire the missiles.

{Cut to the outside of the base, the top opens and three missiles are fired, cut to some part of the battlefield, some Green Helmets are firing lasers before the missiles fall on screen and explodes, wiping out all but one, who keeps firing, unaware of their sudden disappearance, cut to the Cheat Commandos HQ, Gunhaver is addressing the Cheat Commandos}

GUNHAVER: Alright, guys. This is where we fight for reals. No more of that Blue Laser crap! Remember, if you so happen to die, wait 20 seconds to respawn.

REYNOLD: But what if we're losing?

GUNHAVER: Then wait 25 seconds to respawn!

REYNOLD: You've been playing some FPSes, weren't you?

GUNHAVER: No! It says right here in the instruction book!

{Gunhaver takes out a book that is open with the page saying:}

RESPAWNING MACHINE
Did you die again? No worries! With SquishyFish inc, we have created the respawning machine.

What does it do?
Keep pressure on your foes!
Feel unstoppable!
Brings you back on a timer!

What doesn't it do?
Cook your meals!
Wash your dishes!
Explode!
Reverse permanent deaths!
Explode!
Have 100% reliability!

To operate:
Die
Something here
Respawn

It's that easy!

GUNHAVER: It's settled! Silent Rip, you take the sniping posts! The rest of you come with me! {All but Reynold and Firebert walk offscreen, Gunhaver walks offscreen and stops} Firebert, you stay here and think of a better commando name!

FIREBERT: Mehh...

GUNHAVER: I'm just kidding! Why don't you go and blow stuff up?

FIREBERT: {says something sounding like Yes Sir and walks offscreen with Gunhaver, pause}

REYNOLD: Why do they get all the fun?

{Cut to inside the base, Cruroar peeks his head out of a corner, cut to Cruroar's perspective revealing several armed guards}

CRUROAR: So, how are we going to get past them?

MR. PERSON: Well, I don't know but they are pretty armed.

CRURIA: Well that's what the transcription says, "several armed guards."

CRUROAR: How about you both stop stating the obvious and help me find a way past them.

MR. PERSON: I could provide distraction.

CRURIA: Sounds like a plan!

{Cut to the corner, Mr. Person appears from view but before he could leave the screen, an explosion is heard, cut back to the perspective, the guards are out cold and there is now a hole to the right}

GUNHAVER: {offscreen} Good work, Firebert! Even though your commando name sucks, you sure know how to knock several people out cold AND blow a hole in the wall. {walks on screen with Firebert and stops dead in his tracks} How about we loot these bodies as your reward?

FIREBERT: Meh-uh.

GUNHAVER: You're right, that will be damaging to our rep! {pauses} Let's steal from the bodies anyway! {picks up a laser gun and turns around} WAH! State your being here!

{Cruroar, Cruria and Mr. Person comes out of hiding}

CRUROAR: We're here to stop the evil Conril from carrying out his plan!

CRURIA: What he said!

MR. PERSON: I'm here because I'm tagging along.

GUNHAVER: Wait a minute, {points at Mr. Person} you're an enemy! Open fire, Firebert! {Lasers starts flying but misses Mr. Person completely}

CRUROAR: We can explain!

GUNHAVER: We have no reason to listen!

CRURIA: Well listen to this!

GUNHAVER: Shut up, lady!

CRURIA: {hints of rage} You don't tell me to shut up.

CRUROAR: Cruria...

GUNHAVER: I mean seriously, I thought tough gals go out on wars, not weak looking ones.

CRURIA: Grr...

CRUROAR: Gunhaver, that's enough.

GUNHAVER: And how?

CRURIA: SHUT UP!

{Everyone present gets a suprised look on their faces, Cruria slowly walks towards Gunhaver}

CRURIA: You're nothing but a brute, you know that? A BIG BRUTE!

CRUROAR: Cruria, calm down.

CRURIA: NO, I WILL NOT CALM DOWN. You, Gunhaver, have pushed me to the point where I WILL use force. So, scared of me now?

GUNHAVER: {stuttering} Umm... Y-yeah. Sure, whatever.

CRURIA: Don't you dare insult me again! Understood?

GUNHAVER: Y-yes, ma'am.

{Cruria walks back to Cruroar's side, Gunhaver gets up, shuddering}

CRUROAR: Wow, I never knew you had tempers.

CRURIA: Don't we all?

MR. PERSON: I'm a reformed villain, Mr. Gunhaver. I'm not into villainy anymore.

GUNHAVER: Well ain't that great? Let's go!

{Fade out}

Part 2: Grave Robbing is fun for the family! (61 lines (Excluding the letters) in 1440x900 resolution)

{Fade into Conchris' Computer Room, a portal opens and spits Conchris out, Conchris gets back up and looks around}

CONCHRIS: Am I, back? Back is me? Hello? Is anyone there? {notices a note} Hey, a note! {Conchris picks up the note and starts reading it, he reads the first few lines before Cruroar's voice overlaps him, once the name Conril is mention, Conchris says, "He's still alive?"}

Dear Conchris,

You may not be able to get this since you're gone somewhere,
but we are out to fight against Conril with Mr. Person.
I'm sure you can agree with us on this.
Please make no attempt to help us as we may have gotten far into the base by now.
From,

Cruroar

{Conchris sets down the note and sits down, thinking}

CONCHRIS: Wow, Cruroar has gone a long way since Email 1, anyway, time for the email! {double-clicks on Con_email.exe}

Subject:treasure map

Dear Chrissy,
Hey! 120 Emails is impressive. For that, I have sent you a map to find the lost treasure of the desert. Good luck, it should come in a day or two.
Treasurely Yours,
Sam The Man

{Conchris reads the email normally but says "Ooh! Treasure!" when he gets to 'the lost treasure of the desert'}

CONCHRIS: Well, Sam Man dude, thanks for updating me on my email count, I forgot how many at email 103! I think I remember ordering some kind of map to the lost treasure of the desert but they never sent it! Maybe I could exact my revenge with that other map. Hmm... When does it co- {doorbell rings} I'll get it!

{Conchris walks off screen, cut to the door, Conchris opens the door, revealing Homestar holding a parcel dressed up in a postman's costume}

HOMESTAR: Special delivery for a Conch Shell Man!

CONCHRIS: Umm... Homestar? Since when did you take this job?

HOMESTAR: Job? Oh! Bubs hired me for Bubs Friday.

CONCHRIS: That's great, now give me the parcel! {snatches the parcel off Homestar and opens it revealing a map} Woah, this map leads to the lost treasure of the desert. {a note falls off the bottom of the map} Hey, a note!

This map leads to the lost treasure of the desert, the generic ruby sceptre of Onion King of Town. This sceptre is said to have powers imaginable and pretty much allows the wielder to possess the powers of Homsar and defy gravity. The tomb of Onion King of Town is very dangerous and is home to many of the famous aztec-style booby traps: poison darts, giant boulders and the famous Tomb Tumble V5.0! Are you a bad enough dude to get the sceptre?

HOMESTAR: Woah, that does sound neat. {suddenly} Can I come?

CONCHRIS: Umm... sure. How about we go to Bubs to stock up?

HOMESTAR: Sounds like a plan!

{Conchris and Homestar walks offscreen, pan down to reveal Strong Bad and The Cheat behind the bush}

STRONG BAD: You hear that The Cheat? There's a lost treasure of the desert! We could use to umm.... retire to the moon.

THE CHEAT: {cheatese}

STRONG BAD: You're right... Maybe we should go and stock up at Bubs! Hopefully he isn't sold out!

{Cut to Bubs Concession Stand, Strong Bad and The Cheat are there}

STRONG BAD: OH NO! {zoom in on the Sold Out! _regrettably sign on the counter} We're snowed in!

{Quick zoom out again}

STRONG BAD: Now what are we going to do?

{Cut to The Field, Conchris, Homestar, Strong Sad and Pom Pom are standing there, Homestar picks up the stick with a scarf wrapped in a way to contain stuff and accidentally whacks Strong Sad with it}

HOMESTAR: Alright guys, we're going off to find the Yello Dello!

STRONG SAD: I don't know why I tag along with you guys.

POM POM: {bubbles}

STRONG SAD: Good point.

CONCHRIS: I thought it was the lost treasure of the desert!

HOMESTAR: Oh! I thought it was the Yello Dello!

CONCHRIS: {sighs} Let's go...

NARRATOR: And so, {cut to the map, a line goes around in random directions} Conchris and the crew set out to find the Lost Treasure of the Desert! First, they travelled the forests of Spammy McSpam.

{Cut to the forest, Conchris is looking at the map as the rest walk behind him}

STRONG SAD: Are you sure we're not lost?

{Cut back to the map}

NARRATOR: Next, they climbed the Mountain of SquishyFish Inc!

{Cut to a mountainside, Conchris climbs up quickly, screaming, a monster that looks like a yeti quickly climbs up after him, growling, then cut back to the map}

NARRATOR: Then, they finally traversed the Desert of the Onion People!

{Cut to the Desert, an onion that looks like Homestar sits in the sand with Homestar kneeling down}

HOMESTAR: So... You come here often?

CONCHRIS: {off-screen} Homestar, are you talking to inanimate objects again?

HOMESTAR: No, Conches! I'm talking to this onion that looks like me! He's cool looking!

{Cut back to the map, the line stops at the pyramid}

NARRATOR: And they finally reached the Tomb of Onion King of Town! {Cut to outside the pyramid, which is shaped like an onion, the camera slowly pans down to reveal Conchris, Homestar, Strong Sad and Pom Pom}

CONCHRIS: So, anyone feeling rather scared?

STRONG SAD: Well, err... I think I left something in the oven.

CONCHRIS: In the oven?

STRONG SAD: Yeah, seriously!

{Cut to a kitchen, the oven starts smoking and the fire alarm goes off, Strong Mad comes in}

STRONG MAD: IT SMELLS BAD!

{Cut back to outside the pyramid}

HOMESTAR: Nah, I'm sure everything's fine!

POM POM: {bubbles}

CONCHRIS: Well, at least someone isn't scared. Let's go!

{Cut to the door to the pyramid, Conchris takes out the map and the door slowly opens, 3 seconds later, Conchris gets impatient and slides under the door, when the door is opened, the rest (Homestar, Strong Sad and Pom Pom) walk through. Fade in}

Part 3: Character Development 101 and Tomb Not-so-Raider

{Fade out to the battlefield, several Green Helmets lie fainted on the ground, some Cheat Commando Storage Trucks roll into view, cut into the inside}

SILENT RIP: Okay, since Gunhaver's off with Firebert, we'll need to make a plan to finish off the enemy army whilst Gunhaver tries to weaken them.

FIGHTGAR: Who made you leader? Ha ha ha!

SILENT RIP: Not funny, anyway we all split up into separate units and well, kick butt! Rock on!

{Cut to outside, several Cheat Commandos walk out of it, cut to inside the base, several guards are shooting, some characters offscreen are fighting back, pan out to reveal Cruroar, Cruria, Gunhaver, Firebert and Mr. Person are the characters shooting the guards, the guards fall over and the aforementioned run through, cut to outside the big door}

CRUROAR: So, how do we get in?

GUNHAVER: I have an idea!

CRUROAR: Shoot.

GUNHAVER: How about we use Mr. Person's head to bash this door open?

MR. PERSON: How about we use GUNHAVER's head to bash the door open?

GUNHAVER: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

MR. PERSON: I highly doubt it!

CRURIA: Quiet you too! Any other suggestions?

FIREBERT: {cheatese}

CRUROAR: That's an interesting idea, but the door is made of the strongest, well, paperium alloy the evil forces can buy.

CRURIA: Paperium alloy, you say?

CRUROAR: What about it?

GUNHAVER: Yeah, what about it?

CRURIA: Paperium alloy has paper, right?

GUNHAVER: That's obvious!

CRUROAR: Wait a second, that's it!

GUNHAVER: What's it?

CRUROAR: Scissors cut paper, right?

GUNHAVER: That's a stupid idea! How about we get some scissors and cut it in half!

CRUROAR: Hey! I thought of that!

GUNHAVER: No, you didn't, it's mine, it's a hundred!

{Gunhaver runs through the door, tearing it apart as he goes, groaning can be heard}

GUNHAVER: Ow... paper cut. {groan}

CRUROAR: {sighs} Let's go...

MR. PERSON: Yeah.

{Cruroar, Mr. Person, Firebert and Cruria walk through the gap Gunhaver has torn, fade in}

{Fade out to inside the tomb, Conchris, Homestar, Strong Sad and Pom Pom walk into view}

CONCHRIS: Okay, we have {cut to a slideshow, a picture of Conchris, Strong Sad and Pom Pom running away from a boulder, Homestar is stuck onto it} ran from the giant boulder of death, {the picture changes to show Conchris holding up his arms close to him to block the oncoming darts} survived some dart traps and {the picture finally changes to reveal Conchris thinking, Homestar is upside down, Strong Sad is holding up a circle-like object and Pom Pom is holding up a torch} solved some ridiculously hard puzzles. Now what?

STRONG SAD: I have an idea!

CONCHRIS: No seriously guys, now what?

STRONG SAD: I have an idea!

POM POM: {reads the note from the map and starts bubbling as he holds up the note}

STRONG SAD: I have an idea!

CONCHRIS: Good suggestion, Pom Pom! We'll split up and get the four mystical orbs of power that will open that door over there! But how shall we split ourselves amongst the four corridors? {the view shifts to reveal a corridor with three entrances}

STRONG SAD: I have an idea!

HOMESTAR: How's about I take the middle?

CONCHRIS: Alright. I'll take the left.

POM POM: {bubbles}

CONCHRIS: Okay, Strong Sad, you take that {cut to reveal a corridor that looks darker} really scary dark corridor there.

STRONG SAD: That's what I was trying to say!

CONCHRIS: Well ain't that great? Let's go!

{Conchris, Homestar, Pom Poma and Strong Sad go their separate ways, cut to another part of the tomb, Conchris walks into view}

CONCHRIS: Looks like nobody's home...

{Conchris steps forward and steps on a floor panel which sets off an alarm, darts start flying everywhere and the entrance behind him collapses on itself.}

CONCHRIS: Well ain't that great? Wait a minute, I already said that before!

STRONG BAD: {off screen} Oh no! We're snowed in again! {cut to reveal Strong Bad and The Cheat beside an altar with an orb sitting on it} And guess who's in with us?

CONCHRIS: Strong Bad.

STRONG BAD: Look man, we're just here for the orb of powers to get that sceptre of Onion King of Town, don't get in our way.

CONCHRIS: Look, I'm here for it too, now would you kindly hand it over?

STRONG BAD: How about, no you crap-for-brains!

CONCHRIS: I would choke you if you didn't come in numbers.

STRONG BAD: Oh yeah, well, you didn't come in much numbers either!

CONCHRIS: Why don't you shut up and find us a way out of here!

{A pause, Conchris, The Cheat and Strong Bad look around}

CONCHRIS: How about that hole above the entrance? {Cut to reveal a hole above the entrance with a sign above it marked "EMERGENCY EXIT"}

STRONG BAD: That looks convenient, let's go The Cheat! {Strong Bad and The Cheat clamber up to the hole}

CONCHRIS: {Strong Bad and The Cheat freeze in their tracks as Conchris says this line} Stop right there.

{Conchris walks over to Strong Bad and The Cheat and takes the orb out of The Cheat's clutches}

CONCHRIS: I believe that's mine. {lifts his arm revealing a freeze gun, walks back} Now, go!

{Strong Bad and The Cheat quickly clamber through the hole with Conchris climbing behind them, cut to the inside of the tomb again, Strong Bad and The Cheat runs in and stops to catch their breath}

STRONG BAD: That was scary, The Cheat! Do you have the orb?

THE CHEAT: Meh!

STRONG BAD: What? You don't have it?

THE CHEAT: {cheatese}

STRONG BAD: Well, maybe that dark and dank corridor over there will have one of thems orbs. {Strong Bad and The Cheat walks offscreen}

{Conchris runs onto screen clutching the orb, he looks around in four different directions before resting}

CONCHRIS: Phew, at least I had the freeze gun with me, with it I could freeze those two in their tracks to take the orb off them. Wait, where are the others?! {"the others?!" starts echoing. Fade in}

Part 3.2 - Homestar and Pom Pom's corridors of many deaths

{Fade out to reveal Homestar is standing around in a room with a door. Above the door is a symbol that looks like a pair of pants}

HOMESTAR: Hmm... If I were a terrific athlete, what would I do?

{A pair of pants pop into view}

HOMESTAR: {notices the pants} Oh! Thanks mysterious force! {takes the floating pants} Now what? Hmm...

{Cut to another chamber, Pom Pom stands at the door looking at the pictures above it which show a pin and a lighter}

POM POM: {bubbles} (Doesn't sound so hard.)

{Pom Pom walks through the door and comes out to a land with giant pins with lighters flying around}

POM POM: {looking frustrated, bubbles} (You gotta be kidding me.)

{Cut back to Homestar's chamber, Homestar is wearing the pants on his head}

HOMESTAR: Okay, mysterious force! I put on the pants! Now can I go?

VOICE: NO!

{The voice echoes for a bit before dying down}

HOMESTAR: {looking mad} Fine! {takes the pants off his head} What am I supposed to do with it?

{Cut back to Pom Pom's chamber, Pom Pom is dodging the lighters swooping at him}

POM POM: {bubbles} (Stupid lighters, stupid pins... Is there an end?)

{An altar pops into view, almost taking Pom Pom by suprise}

POM POM: {bubbles} (There it is!)

{Pom Pom takes the orb sitting on top, the giant pins come out of the ground and starts heading towards Pom Pom}

POM POM: {bubbles} (Crap.)

{Cut back to Homestar's chamber, Homestar is throwing the pants into the air}

HOMESTAR: Doo doo doot doot doo! I'm the pants throwing man! Doo doo doot doot DOOOOOOOOOOO!

VOICE: Okay, I give up! Take it! {An orb pops into view} It's yours! {starts laughing maniacally, fading away}

HOMESTAR: That was easy! I'd better take it back to Conches or something!

{Homestar walks off with the orb, the pants explode, opening the door, cut back to Pom Pom's chamber, several lighters and pins lay strewn across the ground, Pom Pom comes up out of hiding from a hill, looking scared}

POM POM: {bubbles} (I gotta get out of here!)

{Pom Pom comes out of hiding and starts running (?) towards the exit. Before he could get there, a flying pin blocks his path, pause for a few seconds, Pom Pom stands very still as the pin continues to float, after a while, Homsar comes out of nowhere and eats the pin}

POM POM: {bubbles} (Homsar?)

HOMSAR: DAaAaA'm the peanut elephant! {waddles off}

{Pom Pom puts on a confused look and goes through the exit, the world starts to crumble, cut to outside the door, the crumbled world collapses on the exit, blocking it.}

POM POM: {bubbles} (Good riddance!) {walks off}

{Cut to the middle again, Homestar is holding up an orb}

HOMESTAR: And then this strange voice gave me it.

CONCHRIS: Wow, you are annoying... to it at least.

{Pom Pom walks in with another orb in hand}

HOMESTAR: Pom Pom! How ya been?

POM POM: {bubbles}

HOMESTAR: Great! Great! I just got this glowly shiny thing! Hey! You have a shiny thing too! Can I have it?

POM POM: {bubbles}

HOMESTAR: Aw, come on!

POM POM: {bubbles}

CONCHRIS: Silence! We're missing Strong Sad! Where is that dumpus?

{Cut to 'the center of the universe', Strong Sad walks in}

STRONG SAD: Oh! So that's what that door went...

{Fade out}

Part 4 - We're in your base, building our own!(Unfinished)

{Fade out into some kind of reactor room}

MISTAR BADD GRAMMA ND SPELIN': Aw man! We're losing the fort too!

CONRIL: What'd you mean?

MISTAR BADD GRAMMA ND SPELIN': {turns on a screen, revealing Cruroar, Cruria, Gunhaver, Firebert and Mr. Person camped outside the reactor room with a tent and a fire} They're building their own base inside our base!

CONRIL: Well, what are you waiting for? Send troops down at them!

MISTAR BADD GRAMMA ND SPELIN': We can't.

CONRIL: {looking rather angry} WHY NOT?!

MISTAR BADD GRAMMA ND SPELIN': The troops outside are getting spawn-camped.

{Cut to outside the base, the remaining Cheat Commandos are camping outside a room with the sign above it reading, "Spawn"}

FIGHTGAR: Won't be long now! Ha ha ha!

{Reynold walks in}

REYNOLD: Hey guys, what's going on?

SILENT RIP: Reynold? What are you doing here?

REYNOLD: Can I help you spawn camp?

{Cut back}

CONRIL: {sighs} Send out the massively giant robot that I didn't even know we had.

MISTAR BADD GRAMMA ND SPELIN': Okey dokey! {pushes a red button that reads, "Massively giant robot", the ground starts shaking}

{Fade in as The Paper comes down reading, "Click here to email Conchris. To be continued."}