Blue Lasermail/heist

Blue Laser goes on a big heist in BEEFF Headquarters.

Cast (in order of appearance): Blue Laser, Blue Laser Minions, Redd, Gunhaver, Silent Rip, Fightgar, Flashfight

Places: Computer Room, BEEFF HQ, Cheat Commandos HQ (easter egg)

Computer: Blasty 987

Date: Friday, April 30th, 2010

Page Title: Blasty 987: Wanted for Spam Trafficking and Grand Theft Email

Transcript

BLUE LASER: Email, voted best in show for five years in a row! {brings up an email}

Dear Bleu Laser

Have you ever commited crimes? Well, besides pwning the Cheat Commandos.
-John Starr

Yakima, WA

{Blue Laser reads "Bleu" as "Blee-oo" and struggles pronouncing "pwning" reading it as "Pawning? No wait, pwinning? We'll go with pwinning." He also reads "Yamika, WA" as one word.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} What do you mean "Have I ever committed crimes"!? I'm a criminal mastermind, what do you think I do!? That's like asking a barber if he's ever cut someone's ear off! It's my job! {clears screen} Though, I will admit that my crimes-per-hour ratio has been a bit on the low side as of late. But I think I know just what I need to do...

{Cut to a full-view of the room. Blue Laser turns to his left.}

BLUE LASER: {shouting} Attention! Attention! Minions of Blue Laser Inc.! Please drop what you are doing and report to the computer room immediately!

{The sound of glass breaking is heard offscreen. Three Blue Laser Minions enter.}

BLUE LASER: Look, guys, our crime level has been way too late lately. I'm thinking we need to pulls off some seriously illegal things. Maybe a... heist or something.

BLUE LASER MINION 1: We could mess with the Cheat Commandos again, sir.

BLUE LASER: No, we've been there done that. We need something bigger, tougher, the kind of thing that gets you a life sentence! We're gonna rob the BEEFF headquarters!

{The minions stare at Blue Laser for a moment and then begin laughing.}

BLUE LASER: What is wrong with you people!? The entrance exams, the ping-pong tourneys, the movie nights, is this what they were for? So you could stand around and laugh when a real mission comes around? No! They weren't! Now I say we get out there and raid us some serious BEEFF Headquarters!

{The minions stare at Blue Laser.}

BLUE LASER: Also everyone that survives gets access to the coupon shelf.

BLUE LASER MINION 1: I'm in.

BLUE LASER MINION 2: Okay.

BLUE LASER MINION 3: Sounds good.

BLUE LASER: That's what I want to hear!

{Cut to outside the BEEFF HQ at night. Blue Laser, Redd, and three Blue Laser Minions are there. Blue Laser is wearing a black beanie.}

BLUE LASER: Alright, first thing's first. We gotta get past the front door.

{Blue Laser attempts to open it, but it's locked.}

BLUE LASER MINION 1: I'm good at lock-picking, sir.

BLUE LASER: Lock-picking?

{Blue Laser picks up a nearby rock and tosses it through the glass door, leaving a large hole in it.}

BLUE LASER: You really don't know me, do you?

{Blue Laser enters the building, followed by Redd and the minions. Cut to the building's waiting room. The lights are off.}

BLUE LASER: {quietly} Okay, guys, the plan is simple. {points at Redd} Redd, you guard the door in case any cops show up. Don't let anyone in. If they open fire, we'll, uh, dedicate that plant to you. {points to a plant in the corner of the room}

REDD: {sarcastically} How reassuring.

{Redd walk offscreen.}

BLUE LASER: You two, {points to two of the minions} head to the kitchen area and raid the company fridge. Don't bother with salads and junk, just get the good stuff. Pizza burgers, canadian bacon, you know the drill.

BLUE LASER MINION 1: Yes, sir!

{The two minions run offscreen.}

BLUE LASER: {points to the remaining minion} And you're coming with me. We're gonna steal some important files! Let's go!

{The two walk offscreen. Cut to the entrance of the building. Redd is there, guarding the door.}

REDD: I knew I shouldn't have let him talk me into coming.

{Gunhaver, Silent Rip, and Fightgar walk up, looking rather tired.}

FIGHTGAR: If I ever find out which one of you two programmed the Blue Las-alert to run 24-7...

GUNHAVER: {noticing Redd} Stand by citizen! We're here to investigate some suspicious occurrences!

REDD: Sorry, guys. Blue told me not to let anyone in. Of course, he also once told me to jump in front of him if gunfire ever breaks out, so I'll admit my loyalties are questionable.

{Cut to what appears to be a BEEFF office. Blue Laser and the minion enter.}

BLUE LASER: Who the crap built this place? It's like a maze! We've been through five offices, eight rec rooms, and two janitor's closets and we still haven't found any file rooms!

BLUE LASER MINION: Why files, sir?

BLUE LASER: Well, what do you expect a criminal mastermind like me to steal? You don't see Bond trying to stop any famous office chair thieves!

{Cut to a kitchen area. The two minions are there. One is tossing food items out of the fridge to the other, who inspects in and tosses it offscreen.}

BLUE LASER MINION 1: Don't they have anything good in here?

BLUE LASER MINION 2: I'm beginning to wonder that myself.

BLUE LASER MINION 1: Veggie burgers, salad dressing, aha!

{The minion holds out two bags of pork rinds. Cut to an elevator. Blue Laser and the minion is there. Blue Laser is looking at the buttons on the elevator.}

BLUE LASER: Alright, let's try floor... 6. {presses a button}

{After a few seconds, the door opens into a square room with one other door.}

BLUE LASER: Aha! {points upward}

{Cut to a sign above the door reading:
Important Company Files
Authorized Personal Only}

BLUE LASER: {offscreen} We've hit the jackpot!

{Cut back to the two.}

BLUE LASER: {turning to the minion} Quick, authorize me.

BLUE LASER MINION: Uh, you're authorized to enter, sir.

BLUE LASER: Oh, how I love unspecified warning signs. Now let's go!

{The two walk towards the door. Cut to the waiting room. Redd and the Cheat Commandos enter.}

REDD: So then I told him-

{The two Blue Laser Minions enter, carrying handfuls of pork rind bags.}

REDD: Oh, hey guys.

BLUE LASER MINION 1: Aren't those Cheat Commandos?

REDD: Naw, it's fine. They're with me.

{Redd, the Cheat Commandos, and the minions begin walking offscreen to the left.}

REDD: So, anyway, as I was saying...

{Cut to the BEEFF file room. Blue Laser and the minions are there, searching through file cabinets.}

BLUE LASER MINION: So, what files are we looking for, sir?

BLUE LASER: I don't know, good ones!

BLUE LASER MINION: How about this one? {tosses a file to Blue Laser}

BLUE LASER: {reading the file} Blueprints for Washy 5000... This is perfect! I can't wait to see the look on those suckers faces when the blueprints for their villain stopping technology is stolen!

BLUE LASER MINION: I think those are just for a washing machine, sir.

BLUE LASER: Oh, well. At least we can ruin their clean clothes standard.

{The Cheat Commandos enter.}

BLUE LASER: Ahh! Witnesses! Quick, frame them!

{Blue Laser tosses the file to Gunhaver and runs off with the minion. Flashfight enters wearing a nightgown.}

FLASHFIGHT: What the blazes is going on in here?

GUNHAVER: Ahh! A witness! Quick, frame 'em!

{Gunhaver tosses the file to Flashfight and runs off with the rest of the commandos. Redd enters.}

FLASHFIGHT: A-

REDD: Oh, no way! Not me!

{Redd runs off. Cut back to the Blasty. Blue Laser sits down.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} Well, Yak, we didn't get to steal any files, but that heist did have some bonuses. For instance, right now, I'm gonna help my minions haul 10 pounds of pork rinds into the basement! {turning away from the computer} Don't worry, guys, I'm-a coming!

{Blue Laser runs offscreen. The Laserjet Paper comes down.}

Easter Eggs

• At the end, click on "files" to see a scene with Flashfight.

{Flashfight is tied to a chair in the Cheat Commandos HQ. Gunhaver is interrogating him while Silent Rip holds a flashlight over him.}
GUNHAVER: Alright, what did you need those files for, scum?
FLASHFIGHT: If you buffoons let me go immediately, I might think about not filing charges.
{Silent Rip flashes the flashlight off and on. Gunhaver turns away.}
GUNHAVER: I've wanted to do this for years.

Fun Facts

• "Bond" of course refers to James Bond.