Blue Lasermail/environment

Blue Laser is about a month late.

Cast (in order of appearance): Blue Laser, Redd, Lemmy, Marshie, Silent Rip, Fightgar, Reinforcements, Crackotage, Gunhaver

Places: Computer Room, Redd's Room, The Street, Cheat Commandos' HQ, The Living Room

Computer: Blasty 987

Date: Friday, May 28th, 2010

Page Title: Closed Captioning Brought to You by Blasty 987!

Transcript

BLUE LASER: You'll never guess that I saw on the news today... EMAIL! {brings up an email}

Dear Blue Laser,
What do you do on Earf Day? I mean, it's fun shooting stuff and running around with tanks and all, but do you ever have to deal with "public relations" crap and have to "go green" and stuff?
Your friend,

John Egbert

{Blue Laser reads "Earf" as it in spelled, and reads "public relations" and "go green" in a mocking voice.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} Oh yeah, Joey, I'm all about that Earth stuff. Public relations? I got the best public relations team in the country! {a photo of the Blue Laser Babies appears for a moment} And did you know that eco-terrorism is my third favorite type of terrorism? And of course, every year I go on one of my signature "Annoy the Heck Outa People" Earth Day Rallies!

{Cut to Redd's Room. Redd is attempting to even out a poster on the wall. Blue Laser enters carrying a sign reading "Go green before I make you!"}

BLUE LASER: {chanting} Save the trees! Save the trees!

REDD: {turning to Blue Laser} May I ask what triggered this?

BLUE LASER: It's Earth Day, man!

REDD: Aren't you about a month la-

BLUE LASER: {chanting} Save a tree! Save a tree!

REDD: Y'know what, I'm not even gonna bother with this.

{Redd begins walking away, but turns back to Blue.}

REDD: Wait.. what's that sign made of?

BLUE LASER: Wood. That forest 'round back fell easy.

{Redd sighs and walks away. Blue Laser follows him.}

BLUE LASER: You can't hide from the environment! It's everywhere!

{Cut to the street. Lemmy is walking along the sidewalk. Blue Laser walks up with his sign.}

BLUE LASER: {chanting} Save the trees! Save a tree!

LEMMY: Whatcha doing there, Laser?

BLUE LASER: I'm just protesting poor treatment of the environment and all that crap. Going green is really more enjoyable than I thought!

LEMMY: How so?

BLUE LASER: Let me show you.

{Pan left. Oliver Smidgen is on the side of the road, holding a coffee mug.}

OLIVER SMIDGEN: Spare a single dollar for a poor orphan, please?

{Blue Laser hits Oliver with his sign.}

BLUE LASER: Tree-killer!

{Pan back to the right.}

BLUE LASER: {turning back to Lemmy} And earlier today, I talked the BEEFF managers into giving me their weapons blueprints for "environmental testing!" This is great!

LEMMY: Sounds like you found yer calling!

BLUE LASER: Sure did! This is way better than my old job!

{Cut to the Cheat Commandos HQ. Silent Rip, Fightgar, Reinforcements, and Crackotage and watching a Fluffy-Puff Marshmallows commercial on The Screen.}

MARSHIE: {on TV} Made from the best stuff!

{Gunhaver walks in.}

GUNHAVER: I didn't miss any pony-fightin' action, did I, boys?

SILENT RIP: Nope, you're just in time!

{Cut to a close-up of The Screen. A picture of Blue Laser appears on it. Next to him are the words "Closed Captioning brought to you by:"}

TV ANNOUNCER: Closed captioning for Pony Fights: The Series brought to you by Blue Laser's Eco-Campaign for Eco-Environmentalism. "Go green before I make you!"

{Cut back to the Cheat Commandos.}

GUNHAVER: What the crap!? Blue Laser's taken over the television! You know what this means, don't you?

SILENT RIP: We're not going to see the end of Pony Fights?

GUNHAVER: You bet we're not going to see the end of Pony Fights! Time to go take down Blue Laser!

{Cut to Blue Laser's living room. Blue Laser is sitting on the couch and talking on the phone.}

BLUE LASER: Look, I don't care how much the orphanage is going to get, I just wanna know my share of the profits.

{Gunhaver, Fightgar, and Silent Rip walk in.}

BLUE LASER: {turning to the Cheat Commandos} Ahh! What are you doing here!?

GUNHAVER: We're here to stop your campaign of evil!

BLUE LASER: What are you talking about? I've been doing good things! Things like environmentally testing nuclear weapons-

{Cut to a pile of missiles in the corner of the room.}

BLUE LASER: {offscreen} -by firing them at the homes of BEEFF executives!

{Cut back to Blue Laser.}

GUNHAVER: Cut the act!

BLUE LASER: Can't you guys ever look at the good side of things!? I steal some weapons for environmental testing and all you guys think of is the stealing part!

GUNHAVER: I thought you got those weapons with permission!

BLUE LASER: Uh, yeah, that's what I-

GUNHAVER: Shoot him!

{The Cheat Commandos begin firing their guns.}

BLUE LASER: Not near the nuclear weapons!

{Cut to a silhouette of the house. The house shakes, then explodes. Cut to the computer room. The lights are off. Blue Laser walks in, covered in ash, and takes a seat at the computer. Cut to the Blasty's screen. Blue Laser types, but nothing appears on the screen.}

BLUE LASER: {typing} Well, the explosion took out my living room and the electricity in the entire house, but it was worth it. {cheerfully} I always wanted to have closed captioning brought to you by me!

{The Laserjet Paper comes down.}

BLUE LASER: {a few seconds later} And Nana said I'd never amount to anything. Ha!

Easter Eggs

• At the end, click on the Blasty's screen to see an additional scene.

LEMMY: {offscreen} Well, I've checked the damage..
{Cut to a full view of the computer room. Blue Laser turns to Lemmy.}
BLUE LASER: How much is it going to cost me?
LEMMY: I'm not gonna lie to you, Blue. It's an arm and a leg. And that's just the price for my diagnosis!