Wikihood/eps/10

Synopsis

The day after the heist.

Transcript

{Open to Chaos, Lex, Garfield, Tracy, Headwiz, and Virgil sitting at a table at Katyusha's, which is covered with several plates and bowls with an assortment of pierogies, sausages, cabbage rolls, borscht, schnitzel, and latkes.}

HEADWIZ: Man, this stuff is really fuckin' good! If I knew you lived here, I would've actually visited you guys.

GARFIELD: Technically, we live above it, but-...

HEADWIZ: Yeah, yeah, I know. Still, though. I haven't had cabbage rolls this good since my dad used to make 'em for me when I was a kid.

CHAOS: Lex and I have finished counting the bills, along with the money that Headwiz managed to siphon from the bank account. Splitting it evenly, we will all be getting around $400,000 each.

{Garfield does a spit-take, covering Tracy in borscht.}

TRACY: Ugh, dude!

GARFIELD: Cripes, sorry about that. Four-hundred grand? Are you serious?

CHAOS: Yep. We managed to grab around $2.4 million from the fundraiser alone. We got that D'Arque guy good.

LEX: Ya all gotta remember to stay low for the next few months. Don't arouse any suspicions, ya?

{Garfield, Tracy, and Virgil all nod.}

VIRGIL: Got it, man. Say, what do y'all plan on doin' with your cuts?

CHAOS: I don't know, yet. I'm thinking that I could find my own place to live.

LEX: What? Don't ya like living with me and Garf?

CHAOS: I'd like to have my own bedroom, to be honest!

LEX: That's fair. I don't know what I wanna do with my money, either. Perhaps I'll buy a bar of chocolate, or somethin'.

TRACY: Dude... you can do that anyway. Chocolate doesn't cost-...

{Chaos places his hand on Tracy's wrist and leans forward.}

CHAOS: Don't bother telling him this stuff, he doesn't get it. Let him have this.

{Tracy looks confused as Chaos backs away.}

HEADWIZ: I'm gonna send most of the money back to my mom. She needs it more than I do.

VIRGIL: Yeah, same. Well, gonna divide it between my family, the community, my lil sis' college fund...

TRACY: I'm just surprised at how smoothly this went. Nobody got hurt from this whatsoever!

{Cut to Leigh, who is being interrogated by Xavier D'Arque in Jacqueline Rosenberg's office. Standing next to Xavier is Jacqueline with her arms crossed, and standing behind Leigh is Stephanie and Dahn. Xavier slams his fists on the table.}

XAVIER: THE FUCKING VILLAGE PEOPLE? DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT?

DAHN: Nah man, witnesses did say that they looked kinda like the village-

XAVIER: CRAM IT, I'M TALKING HERE!

{Dahn squeals as Xavier stands up from the chair and sits on the desk, getting close to Leigh.}

XAVIER: So lemme get this straight. You lost your keycard, found the thieves, who looked like the Village People, and then got knocked out and shoved into a toilet cubicle?

LEIGH: Th-th-that is what happened... sir...

{Xavier turns to Jacqueline.}

XAVIER: I cannot believe you would hire somebody so useless as to let a bunch of fucking thieves steal my money!

JACQUELINE: Yelling at me is not going to make this any better.

STEPHANIE: And to be fair, it's not like he's equipped to deal with such a thing. That's more the job of the security guards.

XAVIER: I don't give a fuck! He is... or was an employee of this company, and he fucked up.

LEIGH: I'm- I'm sorry... I-...

XAVIER: You will be sorry, alright. You're fired!

LEIGH: You can't fire me! You don't even work here!

XAVIER: Oh, but I do, dirt elf. I work for this entire city, and this entire fucking state! It cost a lot of money to do this and shit hit the fan. Now I'm drawing blood. Get the fuck out.

{Leigh looks at Jacqueline for affirmation, but she just shakes her head and sighs.}

JACQUELINE: If we keep you, this will really bad on the company, and I cannot allow that. I'm letting you go, Leigh. I'm sorry.

{Leigh sighs before cracking a small smile.}

LEIGH: At least I broke my one week limit, huh?

{Jacqueline sighs. Leigh stands up and walks out of the office, looking defeated. Both Jacqueline and Stephanie look somewhat remorseful, while Xavier is wearing a shit-eating grin. Dahn looks concerned, but is keeping his mouth shut. Cut to the building's foyer. Leigh walks out of the main elevators, and is immediately greeted by Gordon, who is wearing a large smile on his face.}

GORDON: EY, FUTURE EMPLOYEE OF TH' MONTH, WHAT'S...

{Gordon sees Leigh, looking defeated.}

GORDON: ...up, mate? Are ya a'ight? Anythin' you'd like t'talk aboot?

LEIGH: Goodbye, Gord. Those were two really good weeks, eh?

{Gordon goes to put his arm around Leigh, but Leigh avoids him and walks out of the doors. He sees Jules on the other end of the street, who whistles and waves at him. He ignores him as he sadly roller skates home. Cut to the six, who have finished their feast. Volkov comes to the table.}

VOLKOV: Does anybody have room for seconds?

TRACY: I would love to, but I am stuffed. There's only so much borscht I can have in one sitting.

CHAOS: I think we're good, Volkov. Can we have the bill?

VOLKOV: Of course! Coming right up!

{Volkov goes offscreen. Garfield loudly burps.}

CHAOS: Give us a couple of days, and we'll deposit the money into your bank accounts.

LEX: It's also a good idea if ya guys keep a distance from us for a month or so. Just do thin's like ya'd do anyways, and use ya best judgement.

VIRGIL: I'm goin' back to Phoenixshire tomorrow, so that won't be a problem. Gonna buy some souvenirs, but that's it.

{Virgil stands up.}

VIRGIL: Say, if any of y'all find yourselves in West Virginia and ya need a place to stay, just holla at me! I'll be seein' ya.

{Everyone waves Virgil goodbye as he leaves.}

HEADWIZ: He seems like a nice guy.

CHAOS: Drives like a fucking maniac, though.

LEX: He's better than Toby.

HEADWIZ: Ah, Toby. I'd say "rest in peace," but you just know he ain't up there.

{Headwiz gets up from her seat.}

LEX: Ya leavin' too?

HEADWIZ: Yep. I got some shit to sort out. I got a text from one of my friends, he's this ex-cop who does some weird ghost hunting shit in Rivergate. He needs my help again.

GARFIELD: Ghosts?

HEADWIZ: I don't believe it, myself, but he does this stuff for a living. And hey, I get paid too!

CHAOS: Wow.

HEADWIZ: I know, right?

{Headwiz leaves. Everybody waves goodbye. Tracy gets up next.}

TRACY: The cafe's been closed for over a day, and the hipsters get antsy when they have to look for other places to hang out in. So... yeah, heh.

{Tracy leaves the restaurant. Volkov returns with the bill.}

VOLKOV: That'll be $130, please!

CHAOS: I'll just pay it on my credit card.

{Chaos pulls out his card and gives it to Volkov, who swipes his machine.}

CHAOS: I'm gonna go for apartment hunting. Finally getting my own place!

VOLKOV: If I had room available, I'd be happy to rent to you.

CHAOS: I know, I know. I just really want a bed of my own.

GARFIELD: 'Tis a shame. I was beginning to enjoy your presence.

CHAOS: Hey, it's all good. We can all still hang out, and stuff.

{Cut to Xavier D'Arque, who is back in the Gauzy Girl Theatre and is being chewed out by the skeletal man.}

XAVIER: Sir, it was a mistake, we can still make that money back, I just have to-

????: 'Tis pathetic! How could one lose such money to a bunch of frauds? Do you think that the D'Arques got where we were by letting others take advantage of our folk?

XAVIER: No, sir. It is simply a setback.

????: Th're is nothing simple about it! You brought me back from mine own slumber to aid you in your pursuit of power, and yet you appear incapable of carrying out tasks.

{The skeletal man sighs and his bones begin to creak. Droll appears, with a cup of coffee.}

DROLL: A refreshment, Sir Debonair.

{The skeletal man takes the cup and takes a sip. The coffee can be seen moving down his throat and through his body as it spills onto the floor.}

DEBONAIR: Thank you, my dearest Droll. Even a goblin can do this better than you.

XAVIER: I beseech you, sir. Tell me what I must do next.

DEBONAIR: You need to find the ones responsible, and you need to take revenge. Onwards with ye!

{Debonair points to the door. Xavier bows and leaves the theatre, where Stephanie is waiting outside.}

STEPHANIE: Did the meeting go as expected?

XAVIER: It went fine. Do you have any new information on the thieves?

STEPHANIE: Miss Rosenberg sent me this.

{Stephanie pulls out her tablet, showing a screenshot of Lex and Chaos stealing from the vault room in their disguises. Xavier snatches the tablet and looks at it.}

XAVIER: Huh. The Drow was correct. They do look sort of like the Village People.

{Xavier cackles. Cut to Noelle at her office. Her phone rings, and she goes to pick it up.}

NOELLE: Hello?

{Some noises come from the phone.}

NOELLE: You're here for Mayor Meier about a pizza he ordered?

{Noelle gets up from her chair, then turns her head towards Mayor Meier's office.}

NOELLE: That pizza you ordered is here, sir!

{Mayor Meier departs from the office.}

MAYOR: You're the best, Noelle!

{Mayor Meier runs offscreen.}

NOELLE: Yeah, he'll be down to see you in a bit. Farewell.

{Noelle hangs up. Her eyelids lower.}

NOELLE: Uneventful. Well, I suppose it's better than-

{The phone rings again. Noelle answers it.}

NOELLE: Hello, I am Noelle, and this is the Townindale Mayor's Office. How may I assist you?

{Split screen, showing Chaos on the other end of the line.}

CHAOS: Heyy.

NOELLE: I know that voice! You're the guy who tripped! Felix, right?

CHAOS: I am never living that down, am I?

NOELLE: I could call you the guy who caused a storm at the bank if you'd like.

CHAOS: ...Good point. Anyway, I'm calling to ask about rentals in this city. I would like to rent an apartment.

{Noelle chuckles.}

NOELLE: Um, there's nothing stopping you from doing that.

CHAOS: That's good! Do I get to choose an apartment to rent, or do you designate one for me?

NOELLE: What? You do neither! Don't you know how to rent an apartment? Wait. Are you making a prank call?

CHAOS: Uh, no! Not at all!

{Chaos laughs awkwardly.}

NOELLE: Have you tried looking online for places to rent?

CHAOS: Nope, I didn't know you had to do that.

{Noelle moves the phone away and covers the speaker as she begins to laugh. Chaos can still hear from the end of the line, and he begins to turn red.}

NOELLE: You have to look online for a place that suits your budget, and once you find somewhere that you like, you contact the landlord and you ask for a tour. I take it this is your first time, then?

CHAOS: Sort of.

NOELLE: I'll tell you what. I finish work early on Friday. Come over, I'll show you how to do it. It's easy-peasy!

CHAOS: Oh. Thank you! But you don't have to do it, I mean-...

NOELLE: It's fine, I promise!

{Chaos' skintone begins to resemble that of a tomato.}

CHAOS: Haha, wow. Thank you! I'll definitely take you up on that offer, heh. I'll let you get back to work now!

NOELLE: Haha, see ya soon, Felix!

{Noelle hangs up, ending her scene. Chaos is sitting on the living room couch. Pan over to reveal that Lex has been sitting next to him that whole time. He has a cheeky look on his face.}

LEX: Ey, is that your girlfriend?

CHAOS: What? No! I was just- asking for advice, that's all.

LEX: Sounds to me that ya were jus' lookin' for another excuse to talk to the cute lady from Town Hall.

CHAOS: Shut up.

{Lex laughs and slaps Chaos on the back.}

LEX: Mon, ya so easy to read. Hey. Wanna go for a milkshake?

CHAOS: Oh yes I do. Nothing beats a good shake.

{The two get off the couch and are about to leave, until Chaos stops in his tracks.}

CHAOS: Wait. We need our milkshake parlor outfits!

{Cut to Chaos and Lex walking down the streets of Downtown Townindale while wearing matching letterman jackets. They walk past a wig shop and walk into a 1950s-style diner named "Shake, Rattle, and Roll." The two sit at the bar and are greeted by the bartender, who is a minotaur who is also wearing a letterman jacket.}

BARTENDER: Hey peeps! What can I get ya cool-cats today?

CHAOS: One strawberry shake, ya dig?

LEX: And I'll have a pineapple, mon!

BARTENDER: One strawberry, and one pineapple, comin' right up!

{The bartender walks off to make the shakes. Chaos and Lex begin talking, but their conversation gets drowned out by the sound of the diner as the camera pans over to a lone table in the corner of the diner, where Leigh is sitting by himself and drowning his sorrows. He sees Chaos and Lex sitting at the bar and he raises an eyebrow.}

LEIGH: Wait a second..

{Leigh takes a long sip from the straw on his milkshake as he watches Chaos and Lex. At this point of time, the bartender has delivered them their drinks. Leigh picks up his drink and sits on the stool next to Chaos.}

LEX: Mon, ya should ask her out.

CHAOS: I don't even know her that well. It would be creepy.

LEX: Not any more creepy than findin' excuses to phone her at work.

{Leigh leans in, as if to join the conversation. Chaos and Lex look at him. Leigh remains silent, staring at the two as he takes another long sip from his drink. The two try and ignore him.}

LEX: I ain't an expert with the ladies, but I know when ya gotta do something. Ya got nothin' to lose, mon!

CHAOS: Trueeeee, but...

{Chaos gesticulates his arms in order to make it clear what he's talking about.}

LEX: Bradda, ya just movin' ya arms like a mad man.

CHAOS: I'm just trying to say that-...

{Chaos is interrupted by a loud slurping noise. The two turn their heads towards Leigh, who has finished his drink. The bartender arrives. Leigh pushes his drink toward the bartender while keeping his eyes on the two.}

LEIGH: Another drink, please.

LEX: Ey, we don' wan' sound rude, but why are ya evesdroppin' on us?

LEIGH: Me? Evesdropping? I am just enjoying a tasty milkshake. How about you?

{Leigh squints at his looks at Lex's upper lip.}

LEX: Uhhh...

{Chaos looks at Leigh, and then suddenly touches Lex's shoulder. He whispers to him.}

CHAOS: Lex, I think we should go.

LEX: Why, mon? We only just got here.

LEIGH: Yes. You only just got here.

CHAOS: I just think we should go somewhere else.

LEX: Uhhh...

{Lex and Chaos look at Leigh. An awkward silence happens, and then suddenly Leigh's eyes go wide open in a rage. Rock a Beatin' Boogie by Bill Haley and Comets begins to play as the confrontation flares up.}

LEIGH: IT IS YOU! YOU TWO... COST ME MY... MY... UGH...

{Leigh trips over his words in anger. Lex and Chaos stand up and begin to back away. Leigh yells at them.}

LEIGH: VILLAGE PEOPLE!!!

{Leigh suddenly jumps from the stool and lunges at Lex, throwing him down onto the floor. He begins to strangle him.}

LEIGH: TWO WEEKS!! TWO WHOLE WEEKS I HAD THAT JOB!!! LONGER THAN ANY OTHER JOB!!! AND YOU STOLE IT FROM ME!!! YOU STOLE IT FROM ME!!!!!!

{Lex gasps for air. Chaos grabs Leigh and forces him off Lex. In return, Leigh grabs a glass from the bar and attempts to smash it over Chaos' head. It doesn't work, but Chaos is still hurt.}

CHAOS: Ow, what the fuck!?

{Chaos punches Leigh in the stomach. The bartender yells at all three of them, phone in hand.}

BARTENDER: I'm calling the cops!

CHAOS: No, no, no. Don't call the cops, don't do that, no!

{Lex has recovered. He stands up and is about to punch Leigh in return, but Chaos stops him.}

CHAOS: Forget this, Lex. Let's go.

{The two begin to run to the diner's exit, but Leigh comes up behind them and tackles them. All three of them turn into a dust cloud of violence which rolls out of the store and into the street. The cloud quickly fades as the three lay on the ground, injured. Leigh begins to cry.}

LEIGH: WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY ME? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?

{Police sirens can be heard in the distance as Lex and Chaos pick themselves up.}

LEX: Let's vamoose.

{The two run away from the scene. Leigh resigns himself as the police cars arrive shortly after. Cut to Garfield, watching television in the living room.}

GARFIELD: I do love getting work done extra early.

{Garfield's cellphone rings. He looks at it, then picks it up and accepts the call.}

GARFIELD: Yo, Stephiroth. How's it yangin'?

{The screen splits between Stephanie at her office and Garfield at the living room.}

STEPHANIE: Hey, so... about that Fundraiser...

GARFIELD: Was I too gauche with the attire I wore?

STEPHANIE: No. I saw you were mentally struggling to not see red and go completely berserk on D'Arque after he publicly laughed at me about you. I wanted to treat you to something for, well, keeping it cool in there.

GARFIELD: I've been down this road before.

STEPHANIE: I... I know you have.

{Stephanie sighs.}

STEPHANIE: You know, my friends and I have been thinking of inviting you back to Bluehaven, to hang out with us.

GARFIELD: I'm still not over the fact my attempts to become a magic-user were effectively sabotaged by your friends and my so-called "peers." Only my Sangromancy professor ever wrote to me after the incident that got me expelled, aside from you.

STEPHANIE: I'm sorry you had to go through that. Look, I'll text you the address and I will personally pay for the outing. I know money's gotta be tight after you got all those auction items. I promise you they're all magical if it offers you any personal recompense.

GARFIELD: It... it does.

STEPHANIE: Hey, promise you'll be there?

GARFIELD: As you wish.

{As Garfield is speaking, he is flicking the channels on the television. He switches to the news channel and sees coverage of Leigh's arrest.}

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: At around 3:00 PM today in Townindale, there was a commotion at the "Shake, Rattle, and Roll Diner," where a fight between three patrons broke out and spiraled out of control as it spilled into the streets. One participant was arrested and taken into custody, while the other two fled the scene of the crime.

GARFIELD: Geez, those ruffians.

STEPHANIE: Sorry, what?

GARFIELD: It's on TV. A bunch of rowdy boys got into a fight downtown.

STEPHANIE: Slow news day, huh? Anyway, I've got to go. I'm supposed to be tracking down the ones who robbed us at the fund- Oh shoot, I didn't mean to say that.

GARFIELD: {In feigned surprise} You got robbed?

STEPHANIE: Unfortunately, yes. The whole fundraiser was cleaned out. It was done by some weirdos dressed as the Village People. Who would've thought?

GARFIELD: Yeah... heh.

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Witnesses reported seeing a young Drow male attack two human men. Upon arrest, the primary attacker was identified as a Mr. "Leigh More," later discovered to actually be a human male, despite initial reports stating he was a Drow.

{A picture of Leigh appears onscreen. Garfield looks shocked.}

GARFIELD: Holy shit.

STEPHANIE: What's up?

GARFIELD: The guy on TV who got arrested, he was working at the fundraiser!

STEPHANIE: Wait, really? I have to see this.

{Stephanie brings up the news on her laptop.}

STEPHANIE: Oh darn, it is him. That poor guy. My boss had him fired because he failed to stop the robbery.

REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Leigh More had been fired from his position at the Rosenberg Association earlier this day. A witness had this to say.

{The broadcast cuts to an elderly black man who is being interviewed.}

WITNESS: It was crazy, I'm tellin' ya! This Drow guy started beating up on those two men, yellin' at the top of his lungs, "YOU TOOK MY JOB, YOU TOOK MY JOB!," and before you know it, they were scrapping like no tomorrow! One of the guys, he had black hair, red eyes, looked like he walked outta Marilyn Manson concert! And the other guy, he was some pasty white guy who talked like my cousin from Jamaica! It was wild!

{Stephanie brings up the picture of Chaos and Lex knocking out Leigh, and notes the appearance of Chaos.}

STEPHANIE: Hmm...

GARFIELD: What's up?

STEPHANIE: I just noted something really peculiar... I think I need to talk with my boss. See you soon, Garfield.

GARFIELD: See you too, Steph.

{Both of them hang up. Garfield stands up from the couch. He pauses for a second before a look of worry appears on his face.}

GARFIELD: Oh no. Oh no, no no.

{Chaos and Lex walk into the living room, looking all bruised.}

CHAOS: Despite the bruises, and the fact that we've probably been banned from that place, those shakes weren't too bad.

LEX: I know, right? I haven't had a fight like that for a long time. Ey, Garf!

GARFIELD: Did... you two say shakes? And fight?

CHAOS: Yes?

GARFIELD: FUCK. HOLD ON.

{Garfield grabs his cell-phone and runs into his bedroom.}

CHAOS: Betcha two bucks he's gonna look at porn.

{Cut to Garfield frantically phoning Stephanie's number. It dials for a couple of seconds before a message plays.}

PHONE: I'm sorry, but your call cannot be connected at this time. Try calling again later.

GARFIELD: Shit, shit, shit.

{Garfield sighs.}

GARFIELD: I can at least try and do one good thing, though.

{Garfield begins to dial another number. Cut to Stephanie, showing Xavier D'Arque the news footage on the laptop, along with a printed copy of the screenshot.}

STEPHANIE: What do you think?

XAVIER: I think you may be onto something. A white Jamaican, though? Isn't that a little outlandish?

STEPHANIE: One of my exes was a white guy from Barbados.

XAVIER: Ooh, you have exes, huh? You never talk to me about this part of your life!

STEPHANIE: That's because it's irrelevant at the moment, sir. I think we should look into this. I think we have a possible lead.

{Cut to Leigh, sitting in police custody. The chief arrives and uncuffs him.}

CHIEF: You're free to go. Somebody paid your bond. Try to avoid getting into this kind of trouble in the future. You seem like a bright lad, don't make this your legacy.

{Leigh drops to his knees.}

LEIGH: Thank you, so, so so much!

CHIEF: Yeah, yeah. Just behave yourself! C'mon!

{The Chief lifts Leigh up. Cut to Leigh walking back home.}

LEIGH: I lost my job and got arrested on the same day. Great going, 'Lay!

{Leigh sees a nearby rock and kicks it.}

LEIGH: That's Leigh for you. Terrible luck! Born with no magical talent whatsoever, can't hold a job, and now I'm a criminal. Great!

{Leigh kicks the rock again.}

LEIGH: What was I even thinking? They stole stuff! They could've been armed! I could've died!

{Leigh keeps kicking the rock as he walks.}

LEIGH: Can't be like my younger brother, can you? Always a disappointment. No law firm, no DDR machine, no lovely apartment, no job, no rent. I might as well find a comfy box and get it over with! At least the weather's nice!

{The sky turns dark grey and it begins to rain.}

LEIGH: Oh, THANKS, GOD!!

{Leigh carries on walking. Suddenly, a long black limousine passes by Leigh. The back window rolls down to reveal a half-gold, half-black dragon inside of the vehicle.}

??????: I heard about what happened.

LEIGH: Momma told me not to talk to strangers.

??????: Apparently, Mr. D'Arque caused you some distress.

LEIGH: That is an understatement.

{The dragon looks Leigh up and down.}

??????: Peculiar.

LEIGH: Why are you talking to me of all people, though?

??????: One of my employees told me about you. Said you needed help.

LEIGH: What? Is this some sort of prank?

{The dragon laughs.}

??????: I understand you're not in the best of moods, but please. Take this.

{The dragon gives Leigh a business card. It reads "Xiorno, the Duke of Oil and Time."}

XIORNO: It's a free favor. You call this number if you need my assistance. Until then.

{Leigh is about to talk, but the window is rolled back up and the car drives off, leaving Leigh alone.}

LEIGH: What the...

{End of the Episode}