Wikihood/eps/9

Synopsis

Someone decided it was a good idea to let Remolay start this one. The fools.

Transcript

{Open on black as Telephone Line by ELO begins to play, cut to an answering machine somewhere}

MACHINE: You've reached Maddie Raid, please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you.

LEIGH: Hello, How are you?
Have you been alright through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely nights

{Cut to Leigh singing into his phone}

LEIGH: That's what I'd say, I'd tell you everything
If you'd pick up that telephone... Yeah yeah yeah...

{Cut back to the other room as Maddie picks up the phone}

LEIGH: Hey, how you-

MADDIE: You're lucky I have a landline, Rem. What do you want?

LEIGH: Oh I... Hi Mads, I almost didn't expect you to pick up...

{Cut back to Leigh, who is clearly now much more nervous about the situation}

LEIGH: I uh... You see.. I wanted to tell you how things have gone since you left.

MADDIE: I'm listening...

LEIGH: Well, I managed to get a new job and make some friends. And they actually LIKE me there. And I've held the job for two weeks!

MADDIE: Hey, good for you! maybe your bad luck streak is finally ending.

LEIGH: Yeah, wouldn't that be the best. Hey, if things keep going well do you think maybe we could...?

MADDIE: 'Lay, you know I love you. If you can actually keep the job, let's say to the end of the month. Then we'll talk about it.

LEIGH: I don't think we need to worry about it. There's a big event going on tonight though, a political fundraiser for Xavier D'Arque. I've been helping organize it.

{A cut to the event room from the previous evening where Leigh is showing a Tracy, who has shaved, gotten a haircut, and is now wearing a suit and glasses as a disguise, around the place and how security is set up. Tracy looks at certain areas of the room, noting the locations of the security cameras, adjusting them every time he sees one.}

LEIGH: {VO} Everything's perfect. Catered by a Drow company, not my choice but exciting. I tried to get my friend on security, but that was handled already.

{Cut to The Gang, Now including Virgil preparing for the heist, looking over the blueprints and going over the plan. For some reason Garfield is dressed in a pimp suit}

LEIGH: {VO} Unless a huge robbery ends up happening, which let's be honest what are the chances of that, it should go off without a hitch...

{Cut back to Leigh, who's nervous expression has gone, now smiling}

LEIGH: And who knows? Maybe a promotion for old Remolay?

MADDIE: Well I wish you luck. I've got to go to work, and I'm sure you've got a busy and eventful day ahead of you...

{Cut back to the gang, finalizing the plan for the evening}

CHAOS: If we stick to this plan, everything should go off without a hitch. Lady and Gentlemen, we've got a busy and eventful evening ahead of us.

{Virgil raises his hand.}

VIRGIL: Question. Garfield, what in cotton hill are ya wearin'?

GARFIELD: It's my distraction. I'm to create a stir while simultaneously schmoozing D'Arque.

HEADWIZ: He'll get D'Arque to reveal details of his life in a heart-to-heart conversation, and I will use those details to access the fundraiser's bank account so I can transfer the digital funds to our side.

TRACY: I thought you were a hacker. Isn't that just being a con artist?

HEADWIZ: What do you fuckin' expect? It's not like I can type a bunch of shit on a black screen like it's the fuckin' Matrix and "access the mainframe" like that.

TRACY: I know, but I was expecting something exciting!

HEADWIZ: Too fuckin' bad, mate!

{Lex points to the plans.}

LEX: Let's do a quick overview, mates. Headwiz will monitor the entire heist through these lovely thingies.

{Lex pulls out small headphones.}

LEX: With these, we get to talk to each other as we pull this stunt off.

{Headwiz nods. She pulls out a small remote control and presses a button. A black van rolls into the store from the back.}

HEADWIZ: I'll be monitoring all you fuckers from the safety of my surveillance truck.

{Headwiz pulls out a small device and hands it to Tracy.}

HEADWIZ: Tracy, as "Mr. Alistair Hawthorne," you'll go into the security room and plug this little bad boy into the computer system, allowin' me complete access over the entire building's security cameras.

{Tracy nods.}

HEADWIZ: And of course, you stay there and watch the cameras just to make sure shit doesn't fuck up. The system reboots its security at random intervals, so you have a short period of time to make this shit work.

CHAOS: And me and Lex will grab the money from the safe room while disguised as security guards. I got Lex to procure us some disguises. Lex, show 'em.

LEX: I had some trouble findin' good ones, but I did the best with what I got.

{Lex pulls out two security guard Halloween costumes, along with two fake biker moustaches. Chaos facepalms.}

CHAOS: What the fuck? Nobody is going to believe us like this!

LEX: Just wait, mon.

{Lex turns around, with his back to everyone, then turns back, wearing one of the moustaches. Everybody gasps. Lex looks the exact same, but with the moustache.}

LEX: But wait. There's more.

{Lex pulls out a pair of aviators and puts them on.}

LEX: How about now? Do I look like Lex now?

HEADWIZ: You look like someone's sad uncle who works part-time as a Freddie Mercury impersonator.

TRACY: I was thinkin' Village People, myself.

{Chaos groans.}

CHAOS: Ughh. I guess it's the best we've got. If we stay far enough from everyone, we can probably get away with it. Whatever.

{Chaos too puts on a pair of sunglasses, along with a fake moustache.}

CHAOS: Are you all ready, my dudes?

GARFIELD: Distinguished Guests, we turn this Fundraiser into a Hellraiser!

{Cut to all six of them walking out of the store in their heist outfits, while the chorus of Hellraiser by Ozzy Osbourne plays. Headwiz gets into the van, while Chaos, Lex, Tracy, and Garfield all squeeze into a four-door muscle car, with Virgil in the front seat. Zoom out to reveal the distance between the van and the muscle car, as both head towards the Fundraiser. Then, zoom into the Fundraiser to reveal Stephanie sitting down on a table and looking beleaguered.}

STEPHANIE: {sighs} Carrying this entire Fundraiser makes me wish food would just get here.

{Droll shows up to sit next to Stephanie.}

DROLL: Long day?

STEPHANIE: Yeah. I could use a stiff drink.

DROLL: I prepared my contacts with the Loa for today, in case anything gets hairy.

STEPHANIE: Thanks. We might need it, honestly. I don't know what Security everyone else is packing, but I want this to go perfectly, for the good of all of Towningdale and San Crystal-balls.

{Droll raises a brow.}

STEPHANIE: Yes, I am putting the entirety of Republic Island on my shoulders.

DROLL: Your back is going to break.

STEPHANIE: I care not for that. It's kind of hard to trust D'Arque's sponsors, so when I want something done right...

DROLL: ...you gotta do it yourself. I understand fully.

{Droll takes out another teacup and offers it to Stephanie.}

DROLL: Tea?

{Stephanie nods.}

STEPHANIE: I think I've made tea with scotch in it before...

{Stephanie takes the teacup and goes to find some scotch to put inside it. Pan over to Xavier D'Arque who is on stage, presenting to a large crowd of important-looking people. Of the faces in the crowd, the Mayor of Townindale is one of them, along with Sarah Khouroushi and Jacqueline and Frank Rosenberg. Dahn is in the corner of the stage, playing funky 60s-style background music.}

XAVIER: Wow! What an audience! Haha, wow! Thank you all for coming here tonight, you do not know how blessed I am to see you all here. To see all the people who want to make Republic Island a better place, it brings my heart joy, it really does. I see friends, I see family, I see people from all around, and I appreciate them all.

{Xavier points to his wife, who is sitting at one of the front tables.}

XAVIER: And of course, my beautiful wife, Theresa, which none of this would be possible without her! She has been my rock this whole time. I love you, Theresa!

{The crowd all lets out an "aww" and claps for her.}

XAVIER: And yes, this is indeed a fundraiser. However, this is definitely not going to be one of those dull ones, not like the one my opponent, Republican Bill Petrobucks hosted. Who, I also remind you, wants to build a pipeline through our most beautiful and scenic areas, just saying!

{The screen splits to show the gang at the front of the Rosenberg Building. Garfield walks in through the front doors in his pimp suit, after showing the guards his ticket. Tracy, in his "Alistair Hawthorne" disguise, follows next with his ticket.}

XAVIER: For this fundraiser, we chose to do something exotic, as we shall be serving authentic Drow food, prepared by none other than world-renowned chef, Jason Ralston!

{The crowd cheers. Lex and Chaos, dressed in their security outfits, sneak through the building's garage. Cut to Headwiz in her truck, who is prepping a series of computer monitors and radio equipment.}

XAVIER: Man, let me tell you about Drow food. I first had the pleasure of trying it when I was serving one of my terms in South Syllahona. It was a humanitarian mission, and I part of a task force to protect a village of Drow who were under threat from an army of Higher Elves from the North. While living among the Drow, I got to experience their cuisine over the period of six months, and believe me, none of you have lived until you've tasted roast garlic bat and fried yajanana roots.

{Garfield and Tracy both walk into the event room, while keeping separate from each other.}

XAVIER: Mr. Ralston makes great Drow food, that's all I'm saying. And also, we shall be hosting a small auction to raise funds. We're going to have some really cool items, from paintings to sculptures. But of course, all you movie buffs here will be excited to know that tonight we are auctioning off the iconic Battleaxe from the "Battleaxe" action movie trilogy! The same one that Grughor Spinesplitter wielded in all three films while playing Ace Battleaxe. Even better is the fact that you can also meet Ace himself, as he is currently in the audience!

{Xavier points to an older Orcish gentleman in a suit who is sitting in one of the middle tables with his beautiful human wife and his three beautiful half-orc daughters. The crowd cheers and Grughor Spinesplitter blushes as he waves.}

XAVIER: Thank you for your support, Grughor!

{Garfield speaks into the microphone hidden in his clothing. He sounds excited.}

GARFIELD: Holy shit, they're auctioning off Ace Battleaxe's Battleaxe!!! And he's actually here!

CHAOS: {Mic} Really, Garfield? What's so exciting about that?

HEADWIZ: {Mic} Shut the fuck up Chaos, the Battleaxe trilogy is a fucking classic! Especially the third one, "Battleaxe vs. the Martians of the Third Reich!"

GARFIELD: I know, I know. Keep to the mission at hand.

{Pause.}

GARFIELD: I am going to win that battleaxe.

XAVIER: I've talked enough for now! I will wrap up my introduction speech by thanking Mr. Danny Moreau, our DJ for this evening. His music can make you move like no other!

{The crowd cheers as Xavier bows and steps off the stage. The screen split finishes as Garfield and Xavier are in the same shot.}

GARFIELD: The prick is right there. I'm of the mind to smack him one right now.

LEX: {Mic} Resist, mon! Ya don't wanna blow this thing before it's even begun!

GARFIELD: I know, I'm not going to do it. But I want to. I'll just linger around at first... maybe try some of that Drow food.

{Garfield goes over to a food table and gathers some of the Drow cuisine, which includes an assortment of vegetables, meats, and fruits. He finds a table near a bar, using the time to see how close he is to either Stephanie or Grughor's family.}

GARFIELD: I've got some time, I may go ahead and make myself an Ichiruki.

VIRGIL: {Mic} A what?

GARFIELD: An Ichiruki. I mix some strong vodkas and rums with orange juice and iced tea.

VIRGIL: {Mic} Cuz, you're weird. Anyone tell you that?

CHAOS: {Mic} I do, all the time.

HEADWIZ: {Mic} I'd probably give it a much fucking cooler name, but you do you, Garfunkel.

{Garfield begins mixing the vodkas, rums, orange juice, and iced tea, much to the bartender's confusion. He then drinks his concoction. Time fast-forwards a bit, to reveal that Garfield finished his food and has several empty glasses.}

DAHN: The first auction of the D'Arque Senatorial Campaign is about to start in five minutes!

{Greedy by Ariana Grande plays, as Garfield gets up to go into the auction. While the song goes on, a montage of Garfield attempting to outbid everyone on every item being auctioned in the Fundraiser happens. Shots of Garfield dancing throughout the auction's sequences of bids are shown throughout. The montage ends with Garfield sitting with himself at the bar, drinking another glass. Leigh comes and sits at the seat next to him. Leigh motions to the bartender.}

LEIGH: One hard lemonade, please!

{The bartender grunts and nods before turning back to the bar to prepare the lemonade. Leigh is about to turn to talk to Garfield, but is momentarily distracted by the swivel stool. He is mesmerized as he grabs onto the bar to swivel the stool around before releasing his grip, causing the stool to spin.}

LEIGH: Wheeeeeeee!

{Garfield looks at Leigh, who notices him. Suddenly, Leigh's moment of joy becomes embarassment as he struggles to find the words to explain himself.}

LEIGH: I-um- I- oh. I have no explanation.

{Garfield remains stoic.}

GARFIELD: Looks fun, actually. I wanna try.

{Cut to the two spinning around in their stools as everyone else at the bar sits away from them while trying to ignore them. The two stop as they are dazed. Leigh laughs as he picks up his drink.}

LEIGH: Oh man. It's always the simple things.

{Leigh looks at Garfield.}

LEIGH: How are you enjoying the fundraiser? Pretty good, isn't it?

GARFIELD: It's adequete.

LEIGH: I helped organize it!

{Leigh pulls out his employee keycard and shows it to Garfield while grinning.}

LEIGH: See? I work here! I did this!

{Garfield nods.}

GARFIELD: Congrats! I suppose the Drow food was your idea too, huh?

LEIGH: Surprisingly, no. It was D'Arque's. Not too surprising, as I'm not a Drow, but a human; but I sure love their cuisine!

{Garfield looks up and down at Leigh and squints as if he has doubts about his ethnicity. He then decides that he's too intoxicated to know and drops it.}

GARFIELD: It is quite extraordinary, yes.

{Garfield looks at the keycard that is now loosely hanging from Leigh's pocket. Suddenly he is hit with inspiration. He looks around the room and then back at Leigh. He points to a random direction.}

GARFIELD: Holy fuck, is that Betty White?

{Leigh quickly turns his head around.}

LEIGH: What? Where?!

{Garfield quickly grabs the keycard and stuffs it into his own pocket before running from his stool, leaving Leigh alone. Leigh turns back to find that Garfield is gone.}

LEIGH: Huh. I guess he must be in a hurry.

{Leigh turns to the bartender.}

LEIGH: Another hard lemonade, please!

{Cut to Tracy, in his Hawthorne disguise. He is being escorted into the security room by one of the guards.}

TRACY: I 'ope I'm not bein' too much of an inconvenience. You just need to understand that a man of my caliber needs to keep my eyes open. An event like this... there could be trouble.

SECURITY GUARD: I understand entirely, sir. But don't you worry, we have our guys all around here. Security couldn't be any tighter.

{The screen splits to show Chaos and Lex in their security guard disguises in the utility elevator with two large duffel bags each. The elevator reaches the event room floor, and the two leave through the doors. In the security room, Tracy is making small talk with the guard, who isn't paying any attention to the monitors. Tracy leans on the machine, covertly plugging the device into one of its slots.}

SECURITY GUARD: I plan on being one of those rich folks one day. I'm gonna win the lottery, and when I do, I'm totally retiring at the Bahamas. Gotta get me a nice beachfront home, a elven honey, gonna raise a large family, and spend my days in a hammock while getting tipsy on some dwarven cocktails.

TRACY: Ah, yes. I own three houses in the Bahamas. It is quite a grand little place, yes.

SECURITY GUARD: Anythin' would be an improvement from my tiny apartment. You know how high rent is in this city? How about $1200 for a one-bedroom with roaches. It ain't fair, I'm tellin' ya.

TRACY: I would not know, for I am very rich. I live in a mansion.

{The scene shifts to only that of Chaos and Lex, who get a message from Garfield.}

GARFIELD: {Mic} Can one of you get over here quickly? I have a keycard.

{Lex nods at Chaos and quickly runs to the event room. Cut to Headwiz, who is looking bored out of her mind until the security cam footage appears on the monitors in the van. When she sees it, she excitedly messages Chaos, Lex, and Tracy.}

HEADWIZ: Alright, you fuckers, I'm in. Make Mamma Murphy proud!

{Split screen on Chaos, who is walking down a backroom corridor and trying not to be spotted by any other security guards, and Lex, who covertly sneaks into the event room, where he is greeted by Garfield, who quickly slips him the card. Lex gives Garfield a thumbs-up and rushes back to Chaos.}

CHAOS: Can you see which room the treasure's in?

{Headwiz looks at one of the monitors which shows a large vault room full of money and other riches, such as jewellery and gold bricks. She looks at the map.}

HEADWIZ: The money should be in Room O-11.

{Chaos looks at the hallway doors, which are labeled O-3, O-4, O-5, and so on, until he notices O-11 at the very end of the hallway. Headwiz types some commands into her keyboard, placing a loop on the footage in the hallway and vault room. Cut back to Garfield, who is trying to make his way back to the bar before he runs into Xavier D'Arque and Stephanie. Stephanie looks shocked and Xavier smiles and forcibly shakes Garfield's hand. Garfield recoils somewhat.}

GARFIELD: Whoa, wha-

XAVIER: I was looking for you! You're the guy who won all of those auctions! Either you have a good taste in movies, or you just really love me. Come here!

{Xavier aggressively puts his arm around Garfield's shoulder and tosses a small camera to Stephanie.}

XAVIER: Picture, now.

{Stephanie nods. She remains silent as she takes a few pictures of the two together. Both Stephanie and Garfield look distraught. Xavier maintains his grip around his shoulder as he escorts him to his own table and invites him to sit down.}

XAVIER: Gotta say, I love your outfit! Very unconventional. What designer?

{Garfield ponders for a quick second.}

GARFIELD: Hakamichi Kurloz.

XAVIER: Unconventional indeed.

GARFIELD: ...say, you don't happen to-

{Cut to Headwiz in the van, listening in on the conversation Garfield and Xavier are having and having her screen show it. She gets out her cellphone, and begins texting Chaos, Lex, Virgil, and Tracy the information. Time fast-forwards to the end of the conversation.}

XAVIER: Your curiosity is as insatiable as I've been told.

{Xavier winks at Stephanie, who rolls her eyes impatiently. Garfield looks around.}

GARFIELD: Oh my Tieg... how many Ichiruki glasses did I make...?

{Garfield attempts to get up. He rifles through his suit, and throws a bouquet of red roses at Stephanie. She catches the roses, and looks at them confusedly.}

GARFIELD: I got these for you, Stephiroth.

{Xavier bursts out laughing. Stephanie's eyes smile, but her face remains blank as she hears Xavier's laughter.}

STEPHANIE: Thanks.

{Garfield turns around, as he "drunkenly" wobbles toward the food tables again. The camera remains on Xavier's laughter and Stephanie's confused look.}

XAVIER: Wait. Do you two know each other?

{Garfield wobbles back, while sweating bullets.}

STEPHANIE: Well-...

XAVIER: Nah, it's unmistakable; the way you two look at each other.

{Xavier smiles and looks at Stephanie.}

XAVIER: I guess you do have a life after all.

{Xavier laughs semi-condescendingly as Garfield's fist shakes.}

GARFIELD: It's been a pleasure, but I really need to go.

{Stephanie raises a brow, then looks down at Garfield's body shaking. A lightbulb appears over her head.}

STEPHANIE: Ay, I know how to fix that. Let's go and get you introduced to Grughor!

{Stephanie escorts Garfield to Grughor's table. Cut to Lex and Chaos, who are in the vault room and have begun scooping up all the money and riches and putting them into the bags.}

LEX: Gotta say, I'm impressed at 'ow smooth this is goin'!

CHAOS: Don't count your chickens yet, Lex. We ain't in the clear until we're outta here. Headwiz, are we still doing good?

HEADWIZ: {Mic} You have a bogey coming in your direction. It looks like a Drow. Ya gotta get rid of him somehow.

CHAOS: Oh, shit. We'll move him on.

{Chaos and Lex emerge from the vault room, and are greeted by Leigh, who is holding his crotch and awkwardly tiptoeing.}

LEIGH: Excuse me, do you know where the public washroom is? I lost my keycard, and I am really regretting all of those hard lemon-...

{Leigh notices that the security guard uniforms are clearly fake.}

LEIGH: Wait a second.

CHAOS: Uh...

LEIGH: You two aren't real security guards!

LEX: Shit.

{Leigh notices the fake moustaches on the two of them.}

LEIGH: You look like the Village People!

CHAOS: Uh-... yeah! We're part of the entertainment. We're a duo of Village People impersonators!

LEIGH: Well, I'll be damned. But why were you in the vault room?

HEADWIZ: {Mic} Guys, you need to get rid of him. Do SOMETHING.

CHAOS: Uh. We.. um... wanted a space for rehearsal.

{Chaos awkwardly starts singing.}

CHAOS: Macho, Macho, Mannnnn. I wanna be, a Macho Man!

{Chaos does a little dance, but Leigh still looks suspicious. Suddenly, Lex punches Leigh in the face, knocking him out instantly. Cut to Headwiz, watching the chaos unfold from her van.}

CHAOS: What the fuck, man! I had that under control!

LEX: HE WAS GON' RAT ON US, MON. HEADWIZ SAID WE NEEDED T'GET RID OF HIM!

CHAOS: I was gonna cast a fucking charm spell on him, you dunce!

LEX: Bitch, ya dropped outta magic school, how the hell are ya gonna cast a charm?

CHAOS: It's a first grade spell, you asshole! I could have done it!

HEADWIZ: {Mic} SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CARRY ON DOING IT BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE COMES.

LEX AND CHAOS: Okay, okay!

{Lex drags Leigh's body into the vault room, and they carry on loading the bags. Cut to Tracy, who is still smoothtalking the security guard. The monitors show Headwiz's looped footage, but they begin to flicker, showing short bits of the real scene. Tracy begins to panic and attempts to distract the guard.}

TRACY: Do you know what the real secret to being rich is? It's... um... breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

SECURITY GUARD: Really? I tend ta skip breakfast. Not enough time in the beginnin' of the day, y'know?

{The screen begins to flicker some more. Tracy quickly shoots Headwiz a text on his phone, reading "device is failing tell them to HURRY."}