RiffText/Comp/3

Comp part 3

(Open to Adrian sleeping peacefully in bed, smiling to himself as he does so. Suddenly, Red throws a bucket of cold water over him, waking him up)

Red: Wake up!

Adrian: Ahhghghg

NAMINE: Adrian could probably die 'cause of that. Red probably doesn't care.

Red: Wake up, son, wake it up!

Adrian: Ah jeez, I'm up, I'm up!

Red: Shit

Adrian: What?

Red: I did it wrong

Adrian: What!?

Red: I threw the freezing cold water over you, I was meant to throw this bucket of scalding hot water over you.

Adrian: Why would that be better

Red: Because-

Adrian: Why would it ever be better

Red: Using the cold water wakes you up once, using the scalding water and you're like, horrifically burned, so you'd have difficulty sleeping

Adrian: What

Red: So I'd have access too you, like, 24/7. It'd be better

NAMINE: We have officially established Red as being overly clingy.

Adrian: Why did you need to wake me up anyway its 6AM, why aren't you sleeping

Red: I drank 40 energy drinks last night instead of dinner,

NAMINE: And you're not starving, because...?

and I don't think I'll be sleeping for another 3 days. Now come on, it's training time

Adrian: Training time?

Red: Yep, we gotta get you up we need to have you bright eyed, bushy tailed

NAMINE: So if I do absurd things like throw buckets of scalding hot water at Ben and Lex, they'll grow bushy tails?

{Short pause}

NAMINE: That is still a rather awful thing to even consider doing.

so I can train ya. In the art of the meta.

Adrian: Why do I need to be up at 6AM to do this, Red?

Red: Because Adrian

(Pause)

Red: That's the meta.

(The two are at a basketball court. Red is holding a basketball)

Red: This is a basketball. Basketball is my favourite sport.

Adrian: Cool.

Red: So far, you've stopped a mugging, and a bank robbery. Now you need to get started on doing some friendly-neighbourhood kinda things. So I'm going to pick on a helpless child for a bit, and then you need to stop it.

Adrian: I mean sure I guess.

Red: Alright. Come on out, Dunc.

(In walks Dunc, a seven years old child)

Red: This is my nephew, Duncan. We call him Dunc because my aunt really hates names with two syllables.

Adrian: Then why was he named Duncan in the first place?

Red: Because my aunt hates him.

NAMINE: Cue laughtrack, I guess?

Adrian: Huh, fair enough. What's up, Dunc?

Dunc: I've been called to a basketball court to get beaten up, what do you thinks up?

Red: Alright, Dunc, no sass.

NAMINE: I actually prefer if Duncan had more sass. This is bloody ridiculous.

Brace yourself.

(Red goes to hit Dunc, but can't seem to bring myself

NAMINE: I was kind of hoping this wouldn't shift into First Person.

to do it)

Red: Dunc I don't wanna hit you

Dunc: Come on Red, I had to journey 3 hours by train to get here and you're not even gonna give me a little punch?

Red: No I can't

Adrian: He can't do it, he'd never

Dunc: Fine then, if you don't wanna hit me how about you just thrash me at basketball or something?

Red: It's just not the same!!

Adrian: Gee I dunno, Red, it could be pretty fun.

Red: Don't peer pressure me, Adrian, I can't hack peer pressure it's too scary

NAMINE: Is there even a computer code that Red specializes in or is he a hack hacker?

Dunc: Aww, is the little baby chicken?

Adrian: I think he's a chicken, Dunc

Dunc: Buck buck buck!

Red: Don't mock me! I am no chicken! If I am any poultry I'm at least something dignified, like a peasant!

NAMINE: You mean pheasant

Or if I am forced to be classed as a dinner meat let me at least be beef, the king of dinner-meat meta!

Dunc: You wanna be beef? Then you gotta have beef! Come on, b-ball, you and me, Adric-

Adrian: Adrian

Dunc: Odrian is the ref!

NAMINE: Odrian is definitely a cooler name than Adrian.

Let's do it!

(The two square up to play basketball)

Red: Adrian you gotta announce us

Dunc: Yeah man all the best basketball games have announcers introducing the teams

Red: You're the referee and the announcer, and probably some kind of analyst too, hop too it.

Adrian: Um. Okay. On one side, is, like, Red, king of the tryhards

Red: I give that title a 6/10, an extra point for good improvisation

Adrian: And this is, uh, "Slam-Dunc"

Red: Adrian. You have this announcing meta down pat. I love you.

NAMINE: {Ben and Lex-}

NAMINE: Wait, no. Crap.
{Namine clears her throat}

NAMINE: {Red and Adrian make passionate love on the floor.}

Adrian: Just hurry up and beat him at basketball, please

(They play basketball. Dunc thrashes Red as Adrian looks on, amazed)

Dunc: It's proof, he's a chicken!

(Dunc steals the ball)

Dunc: I'm taking your ball, chicken-nerd-loser

Red: Only one of those words is an accurate description of me

NAMINE: Chicken-nerd-loser is one word.

Adrian: Okay, Red, you're losing too badly, and he's stolen your pride and ball. I'll intervene on your behalf

Red: No, Adrian, you can't, it's not the meta

Adrian: What? I'm saving you from an antagonist

Red: No, dude, I'm THE antagonist, and I got my just desserts because I, like, tried to pick on him.

Adrian: So what, do I just sit here and watch as you get your bottom handed to you by a small child?

Red: Effectively, yes. Unless somebody comes along who is capable of bullying this frankly horrifyingly talented monster of a child, I'm done for.

Adrian: So the meta here only applies if it's a big person beating up a child? Well now that I'm aware of that, I can-

(In walks Cleo)

Cleo: Oh my god, a child! Imma punch him.

NAMINE: Why is Cleo going to punch a child? Why did Cleo just need to arbitrarily show up?

(Cleo punches Dunc on the arm, knocking him over)

Dunc: Ow! Why'd you hit me? Couldn't you see I was busy thrashing?

Red: Cleo, you like hitting children?

Cleo: Don't joke I actually have a serious illness that necessitates I hit a child sometimes.

NAMINE: I hope she has anger management courses, or something equivalent thereto.

Red: Aw that sucks

Cleo: That said, I do like hitting children. Take this, bucko!

(Cleo kicks dunc)

Cleo: Oh sweet, a ball! I want to shoot some hoops, and what not.

Red: Adrian you sweet genius, you saved me! Saved me the pain of losing to a child!

Adrian: You're aware that someone is like, straight, beating up your nephew right now?

Red: Ah yeah I guess that's kind of an issue.

Cleo: Checkit, I'm shooting hoops!

(Cleo shoots a hoop)

Red: Cleo, could you stop attacking my nephew?

Cleo: Make me.

Red: Shit, she turned it around on me

Adrian: Come on Red, we can't give up, we gotta save your nephew. Superhero meta, right?

Red: Superhero meta. Cleo, I'm going to make you stop beating up my nephew!

Cleo: Okay, how?

Red: We're gonna beat you at basketball, and leave you with egg all over your face!

{Namine is visibly stunned by the awful phrasing of "leave you with egg all over your face." The bad phrasing meta is too much.}

Cleo: But I hate egg!

Red: Exactly! Come on, me and Dunc vs you! Winner keeps the ball, loser has to stop beating up my nephew!

Cleo: Those rules are fair...NOT!

Red: oh my god we've been stomped

Cleo: 1vs2? Come on guys that's not fair. Adrian can be my teammate

Adrian: I don't know man, the only sports I play are e-sports

Cleo: Well we'll call you E-bron James, because it's time to kick basketball bottom

NAMINE: I wish there was a way to enact likable character meta, so that Cleo could shine more. She's really good with these puns, at least.

Adrian: I'd prefer Kob-E Bryant to be honest

Cleo: Yeah well nobody fucking cares, Adrian

Red: Alright, everybody into positions! Me and Dunc vs the both of you! Get ready figure it out okay let's just play come on geez I'm getting impatient

(They play basketball, Dunc scores early)

Adrian: Drat

Cleo: Drat?

Adrian: Yeah, I'm bringing "drat" back.

NAMINE: But not sexy.

Red: A fair choice. Nice one, Dunc!

(Some more basketball, Dunc gets it once again)

Adrian: Oh my god, you you you you nimrod! We're getting smoked like a salmon out there!

Cleo: Why do I talk to you

NAMINE: I don't even think the author has any remote clue either.

(Basketball, once again Dunc gets the point. Red and Adrian are very out of breath)

Red: My chest burns, as does my passion and desire to win!

Adrian: Red...red we're losing so bad

NAMINE: Isn't Red on the opposing team?

Red: I know, great right? The day's being saved!

Adrian: Nah dude, it's bad! I forsee

NAMINE: Does it involve forsaking logic and foreseeing bad guy meta?

a problem!

Red: What is it

Adrian: I'm on the bad guys side!

NAMINE: I knew it.

I'm on the bullies team! I can't be a bully, dude, superheroes aren't bullies!

NAMINE: The Iron Age of Superheroes might have a few choice words with you.

Red: You're right! And we can't squander this oppurtunity.

NAMINE: What opportunity? Superhero meta isn't supposed to be opportunistic.

What do we do!?

Adrian: Simple, we turn this from superhero meta into sports movie meta!

Red: What, why!?

Adrian: That way I become the good guy again, turning around this sore defeat into a triumphant victory!

Red: Good thinking, Adrian, you're getting the hang of it! One problem!

Adrian: What is it red, what is it what could it be

Red: You're awful at basketball!

Adrian: We don't gotta worry.

NAMINE: Apparently I don't gotta worry about WUW Championship meta. Maybe... maybe that's how the Championship Belt is won.

You said it was your favourite sport, right? Just tell me the meta, I can out-think 'em!

Red: Nice, you just gotta-

(the ball hits red on the head, he passes out)

Cleo: Nice job keeping him distracted! I'll go pin the kid down, there'll be nobody to defend!

Adrian: The plan worked!

(Cleo tackles Dunc to the ground, noogiying him.)

Dunc: It's demeaning, but it's what I deserve.

(Adrian throws the ball, but wildly misses)

Adrian: Crackers, I really do need to know ball-throwing meta. Um. Yikes. How do I turn this around.

(Adrian closes his eyes and thinks hard)

Adrian: If only Meta were here.

Meta: Yo, whats up.

NAMINE: If it were that easy, why haven't you done this before?

(Meta is there)

Adrian: Meta, you're here!

Meta: We saw you needed help, soldier. You called for it, we're here to offer it. We need you to be resilient. What is the issue?

Adrian: Yeah, uh, how do I get out this situation without looking like a terrible person? We beat up a child and cheated at a basketball game. I thought I was meant to be on the side of good?

Meta: You are, Adrian. The answer is simple. You must repent. Turn the tables. Make things up to the child

Adrian: I...I see. Thank you, Meta! I won't let you down! ...Meta?

(Meta is gone)

Adrian: Wow, okay. Cleo, hands off the kid!

Cleo: Dude I thought we were winning a basketball game?

Adrian: Yeah but we're being mean about it.

NAMINE: Yeah, there's probably a better way to go about your victory.

Cleo: Yeah, I guess you're right. Sorry, kid.

Dunc: My name is Dunc. Address me as such.

Cleo: Uh okay sorry.

(Red comes too)

Red: Did we win?

Adrian: You, uh, you sure did pal.

Red: Hah! In your face, dickweed! We owned you! We stoned you! There's only one thing we've lost today, and it's thousands of dollars in hospital visits I'll need to fix this ball induced concussion.

Adrian: Man we sure have a lot of concussions

Red: Haha yeah

(Short pause. Dunc is running off with the ball)

Red: Sumbitch

NAMINE: What

has taken our ball!

Cleo: After him!

Dunc: I need it! I need A MOM THAT LOVES ME

(Back in the black void, Meta is with Dev.)

Dev: I was reluctant to agree, but I now see the potential he holds.

NAMINE: Yeah, Dunc seems to hold a lot of potential.

Meta: I was worried he was being lead astray, but no, he understands. He listened. Just as intended.

Dev: It was a good choice. Maybe we do stand a chance after all.

Meta: We...we can only hope.

(Back at the court, Red and Adrian are still just standing there. It's night time, Cleo and Dunc are gone)

Adrian: We've been sitting at a basketball court saying nothing for 4 hours now, why are we here.

NAMINE: Convenient dramatic tension.

Red: Those energy drinks I had. The caffeine from them crashed all at once, and I no longer have the energy to move.

Adrian: Oh. Huh. Well see you later, Red.

(Adrian leaves. A wolf cries)

Red: Come back no I hear wolves

END

NAMINE: Honestly, I prefer listening to Ben and Alex singing Christmas songs on their karaoke recordings over this.