(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/Comp/2
Comp Part 2
(Adrian is lying on a couch, bandages on his head, sick. Red walks in holding a bowl)
Red: Check it out I made you soup
Adrian: What...what kind of soup is it?
Red: Chicken, duh
Adrian: But I really do not like chickens or their soup
NAMINE: I wonder if this scene would play out any differently if the soup wasn't chicken soup.
Red: Too bad, you are sick, sick meta is chicken soup meta so deal with it. We need to get you healthy so we can like, continue to find out. If you have superpowers.
Adrian: But I'm like, double concussed. Have you not been reading the papers? Concussions like, cause you to go mad and break stuff, important stuff too. I am too ill to fight crime.
Red: Suck it up.
Adrian: No
NAMINE: An appropriate response.
Red: No, really, suck it up, the soup.
(Red thrusts the bowl of soup in Adrians hands)
Red: Suck up the soup.
Adrian: I...
Red: Suck it up
Adrian: I will do it.
(Adrian sucks up the soup, making very loud slurping noises)
Red: This is good. You will feel better.
Adrian: It's not working. Get me a lucozade.
NAMINE: Adrian's Pepsi.
Red: There was lucozade in the soup. That
Adrian: Wow
Red: That was the secret ingredient.
NAMINE: I can't imagine that actually tastes edible. Mixing... grape with soup water and chicken?
Adrian: Now you mention it, I feel better.
Red: See?
Adrian: Lucozade meta is, like, the key. To curing sickness.
NAMINE: What meta would Katawa Hearts fall under, I wonder?
(Adrian takes his bandages off)
Adrian: So now what?
Red: I don't know, didn't think you would be better this soon.
(A pregnant pause)
NAMINE: How does a narrative technique get pregnant?
Adrian: Dag
(Adrian and Red are now at a bank)
Adrian: Red
Red: What
Adrian: Red, buddy
Red: What is it
Adrian: Why are we at a bank
Red: I had to like, think of a place where lots of crime and what not happened and I figured people like to rob banks, and things, so this would be a good place.
Adrian: I like your thinking
Red: Don't, like, don't worry though. I wasn't trying to be, uh
Adrian: Satirical?
Red: no, I have the utmost respect for the people who run our banking system and I don't think they are criminals.
NAMINE: Can't tell if sarcasm. Actually, there doesn't seem to be any conveyed emotion that Red and Adrian are feeling, other than maybe constant confusion.
Adrian: I'm glad you clarified that, because
Red: Because that has no place in a casual conversation. Like this.
(Cleo walks in)
Red: Um
Adrian: Aren't you meant to be working at the breakfast shop
Red: The shop where breakfasts are
Adrian: Where they're sold, you know, delicious food to start your day, and stuff.
NAMINE: Was Ben writing this for Nanowrimo and just trying to fulfill a word count quota?
Cleo: You know I don't spend every waking moment at work, right?
Red: But who is running the breakfast shop
Cleo: One of my colleagues, why do you ask?
Red: I was concerned. Like, what if somebody needed breakfast
Cleo: At 3:30 PM?
NAMINE: Admittedly, 1530 Hours is a difficult time for breakfast, but Denny's proves dutiful in the maintenance of breakfast foods at such a time.
Red: At 3:30 PM, you shouldn't judge, sometimes people's sleeping schedules are all out of wack
Cleo: I guess, but they could always make their own breakfast or some-
Red: No
Cleo: Wh-
Red: Don't even joke. Don't be rude.
NAMINE: I didn't think implying people making their own breakfast was a rude gesture.
Cleo: Alright, fine, sorry. Why are you even at a bank?
Red: We're waiting for someone to rob it, to see if Adrian has superpowers.
Cleo: That seems a little asinine, don't you think? I mean how often are banks robbed these days anyway?
NAMINE: Cleo raises a good point. People probably run credit card-snatching operations through phishes and catfishes.
Red: Doesn't matter, it's a good crime to stop.
Adrian: Yeah, stopping bank robberies is like, prime good-guy superhero meta-
(A MAN IN BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED CLOTHES, WITH A BALACLAVA ON
NAMINE: Google meta is looking this up.
{Namine looks it up}
NAMINE: Alright, I'll carry on, then.
NAMINE: "A balaclava, also known as a balaclava helmet or ski mask, is a form of cloth headgear designed to expose only part of the face. Depending on style and how it is worn, only the eyes, mouth and nose, or just the front of the face are unprotected."
{Beat}
AND A BIG BAG THAT SAYS "SWAG" ON IT
NAMINE: He can't be serious about this heist.
KICKS DOWN A DOOR)
{Namine sings something about Door Kickers.}
Bank robber: Listen up, you you, ya bitches! My name is Rob Banks and I'm here to like, rob a bank!
Cleo: wow
Red: wow
Adrian: Wow
NAMINE: wow
you guys that was quite the coincidence that at the moment we were talking about bank robbers that
Red: That a bank robber would arrive?
Adrian: Yeah that's pretty nuts.
Rob: Alright, like, get on the floor and shit, fools!
Red: Alright, Adrian, what you gonna do?
Adrian: I don't know, he's got like a gun, dude
Red: Rush him
Adrian: What?
Red: You gotta rush him when he least expects it that's the only way
Adrian: I don't wanna rush him he'll shoot me
Cleo: He'll shoot him
NAMINE: He'll be shot.
Adrian: Yeah and that's bad
Red: Rush
Adrian: No. I'm gonna try diplomacy.
Red: Okay but if this turns out badly you gotta rush him
Adrian: I'll consider it. Um, hello, Mr Banks?
NAMINE: We are saving Mr. Banks.
Rob: What is it what do you want
Adrian: Have you considered not robbing a bank today
Rob: No I haven't considered that I have to rob the bank
Adrian: No why would you need to rob a bank
Rob: I need the money to save my wife she's got AIDS
Adrian: What
Rob: Yeah like hardcore AIDS
NAMINE: There's only one kind of AIDS. Guess what kind it is.
it really sucks
Adrian: Ah jeez that's unfortunate one moment. Red
Red: Has he got AIDS?
Adrian: Yeah he has
NAMINE: No, his wife has AIDS, didn't you listen to him?
Red: Alright rush him
Adrian: I can't rush him, that'd make me the bad guy!
NAMINE: Compassion meta is not being a dumb arsehole.
I mean like robbing a bank sucks but he has a reason, he's like the anti-hero of his own story
NAMINE: No, no, no, he's pretty much an anti-villain. He's a villain being humanized, not a hero being made more monstrous.
or something.
Red: Why can't you rush him, just run and punch him
Adrian: No
Red: In the mouth. The mouth of his penis
Adrian: Excuse me
NAMINE: You and I both have a lot in common, Adrian.
Red: Punch his dickmouth
NAMINE: What is a dickmouth?
Cleo: Adrian don't punch him in the dickmouth
NAMINE: Could you be any more sensible, Cleo?
Adrian: I wasn't planning to punch him in the dickmouth, geez. I'll talk to him again. Rob, sir!
Rob: Be quick, I'm trying to rob a bank
Adrian: Okay, um, if you steal all this bank money, the value of the dollar will depreciate. Because the banks won't be able to use gold to increase its value, because you'll have it. I think. I'm not an economist
NAMINE: Adrian, that actually makes sense.
Rob: No you're not, but neither am I. What was that you said about gold?
Adrian: Money's value is derived from gold, banks have like a bunch of it
Rob: So that means I can steal gold too?
Adrian: Wait no
Rob: I could use gold as a gift for my wife and to pay off my student loans. Maybe take a night class in economics
NAMINE: {laughs} Okay, that was pretty clever.
Adrian: Rob. Rob wait. Gold is very malleable it won't end well
Rob: Too bad I like this idea
NAMINE: While I still think it's wrong, I also like this idea.
Red: Adrian
Adrian: What
Red: What kind of a superpower is talking to people
NAMINE: Is Compassion meta not your specialty?
Adrian: Uh
Red: His dickmouth needs a punch. A swift punch. Right in the um, the dickmouth.
NAMINE: You're a dickmouth, Red.
Adrian: Listen I can't do anything, he's too nice and driven a person. Superhero meta dictates I can only really be good if the people I fight are evil, like if they're racists or something
Rob: I'm sad there's no black people at this bank I would have liked to shoot them
Adrian: Um what
Rob: Yeah I don't like black people I'm like a massive racist. Like, a huge, massive, AIDS having racist.
NAMINE: This is so contrived.
{Short pause}
NAMINE: At least Rob admitted he himself also has AIDS, I guess.
Adrian: Well that is convinient because I have a low tolerance for the intolerant
Rob: But I love milk
Adrian: No like, sociocultural intolerance not lactose intolerance.
NAMINE: I appreciate this distinction a lot.
Discriminating on the less fortunate because of silly things like the colour of their, um, skin. That's bad
Rob: Slavs are white and I hate them too
NAMINE: Can we just settle on misanthrope? I really don't think going on about this is going to make it any funnier.
Adrian: Um you shouldn't hate blacks or slavs. I'm going to um, punch you now. In the mouth.
Rob: Which mouth!?
NAMINE: Why are you asking this? You know where. The "dickmouth," right?
Adrian: I will not disclose that information,
(Adrian punches Rob in the mouth, and then the penis)
Red: Wow, the fabled double-dickpunch whammy.
Cleo: The legends were true
NAMINE: There were legends about this? I thought we established that Adrian had no idea what the meta was until his dickmouth friend Red explained it to him.
Adrian: I have defeated the racist bank robber everyone. Resume taking out loans and stuff.
Red: Congratulations, Adrian, on defeating that evil bank robber.
Adrian: Thank you Rederick.
Red: Do not speak my full name
Adrian: The only downside is I'm still not really sure what my superpower is
Cleo: What?
Adrian: What do you mean what
Cleo: What I mean by what is that it's really obvious. Like maybe you two didn't notice because you're both, like, insane, but everytime Adrian says something is "the meta", whatever that is, it tends to become true.
NAMINE: So Adrian is Schrodinger's Meta
Red: Excuse me?
Adrian: Oh my god, Red, it might be true. I mean let's look at the facts - yesterday when I scared off that mugger it was after I explained my strat. And when I said lucozade was the meta when it came to getting better, I got better after I drank it.
Red: First of all, Cleo, if THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME
Cleo: it is
Red: Nobody fucking cares, honkey.
NAMINE: I feel that if this were a different context, we'd be punching Red in his dickmouth right about now.
First, how do you not know what "the meta", is, that's like a sin right there.
NAMINE: How? That is literally what knowing the MOST EFFECTIVE TACTIC AVAILABLE is about. Knowledge. How is it a sin for Cleo to know?
Second of all, why does AIDSrian, which I call you because you probably caught AIDS off the AIDS man, AIDS boy, get superpowers ABOUT the meta, when he barely knows the meta.
Cleo: what is the meta
NAMINE: A question that will likely never be answered effectively.
Adrian: I know the meta
Red: I don't think you do! What's the most over-powered civilisation in the hit 2009 release by Sid Meier, Sid Meier's Civilisation?
Adrian: I mean you should be able to succeed with any of-
Red: Wrong again, dipshit, it's Babylon
Adrian: What about-
Red: It's Babylon and if you disagree you're a top bitch.
NAMINE: Ben, please explain this Babylon stuff; I really don't get it.
Adrian: I am?
Red: The toppest bitch of them all. Alright, listen up, kid
Adrian: I'm older than you
Red: I will do my best to teach you the various metas of the world. It won't be easy, but it's necessary because if I don't teach you the metas then like
Cleo: You could die
NAMINE: Thanks, Cleo, for finishing the sentence.
Red: Exactly and that shit sucks. Step one, fashion meta. Grey hoodies are practical and stylish, suitable for any occasion...
NAMINE: What? Fashion meta's its own thing.
(Back in the black void, META sits with another one of his kind (named here as DEV), observing the now silent conversation between Adrian and Red)
Dev: His friend has a point, what if he never comes to understand? He's only just learned how to harness his powers!
NAMINE: You remind me of someone...
Meta: We must have faith, Dev. We were hurt too much, and we must rebuild our numbers. No, Adrian may not be enough to turn the tides alone, but we had to make a start with someone. Or
Dev: It'd be over.
Meta: It would.
(Pause)
Meta: Tea?
Dev: bruh you know i'm all over that shit
NAMINE: I'm all over that, too...
{Namine sighs}
NAMINE: DiZ Nuts.
NAMINE: Even in Neckbeard Armour meta, I seem to be left behind... oh, wait! I know who Dev reminds me of. DiZ... DiZ is nuts...
{Short pause.}
END
