RiffText/Comp/1

Comp

NAMINE: ...that's it? No transcript synopsis, or anything? Just the title?

(Two dudes sit in a room, in front of their PC's.

NAMINE: To the surprise of no one, these dudes are Ben and Alex.

One in front of a desktop, the other a laptop, lying on a futon.

NAMINE: How do you play a desktop whilst lying on a futon?

Both are wearing headsets, both show little real interest in the world around them.

NAMINE: 4chan would refer to them as "Hikkikomori."

In front of the desktop is Adrian, who is tall but not heavy set, with dark hair. Contrast his friend on the laptop, Red, whose hair is red, and is shorter but stockier. Some time passes. Suddenly, Red slams his mouse against the ground.)

RED: It's bullshit.

Adrian: What is?

Red: I got bodyshotted.

Adrian: Oh dear, again?

NAMINE: Clearly, this happens a lot.

Red: Again.

Adrian: By who?

Red: Blackie Chan.

NAMINE: Wow, that's a terrible username.

Adrian: Ah jeez, what a name. Was he- was he wearing a Gibus?

{Namine uses her Google-Search powers to look up what a "Gibus" is.}
NAMINE: Why are they playing Team Fortress 2?

Red: Natch. They all do. And the worst part was-

Adrian: It wasn't the-

Red: It was the- FUCK! Again. Argh. Sydney Sleeper.

{Namine uses her Google-Search powers to look up what a "Sydney Sleeper" is.}
NAMINE: Why are they playing Team Fortress 2?

Adrian: Oh my god, that sucks.

Red: I know, right? It's like the one weapon that's just like "AH SHIT LOOK AT ME I CAN'T AIM I GOTTA- I GOTTA USE THE WEAPON THAT REQUIRES NO SKILL". Like, I practice more than a few hours a game, but this tryhard can beat me so easy with a no skill bodyshotters weapon.

NAMINE: I was told there'd be a "meta" to this composition.

{Short pause.}

NAMINE: Red's a jackass.

Adrian: It's unfortunate. He's on our team.

Red: I know he's on your team. This team sucks.

NAMINE: Have we established whether or not they're on the same team yet?

(Red switches on his mic)

Red: Yo, you guys suck. We need a medic.

(Short pause)

NAMINE: Of course there'd be a short pause. I was kind of presuming, since the script format was somewhat being abandoned due to the lack of bolding, indenting, or anything, that the parentheticals would be ignored. Wait, no, Noxigar told me this was done on Pastebin first. That actually explains a lot.

Red: It's important I keep playing spy, that's why I can't go medic.

NAMINE: Isn't the MOST EFFECTIVE TACTIC AVAILABLE being able to play more than one class in any video-game ever?

(Red turns his mic off)

Red: Free to plays.

Adrian: You should get less mad. It's a video game.

Red: It is but it's bullshit!

NAMINE: Commas are also bullshit, apparently.

Look at this team. We've got like, 4 spies. And they keep getting beaten by the bullshit Doubleyou and mouse one Pyros.

Adrian: I can see how that might be annoying. It's like-

Red: They don't put out their teammates! Like, hello, mouse 2 exists!

Adrian: They're probably just playing for fun. It is a casual game, doesn't need to be competitive.

Red: I guess, but- oh goddamnit. Bullshit. Fucking bullshit, I was cloaked. He's hacking. What an asshole hacker.

{Namine uses Google-Fu to figure out what program Team Fortress 2 runs off of.}
NAMINE: Memo: Look up details on the Squirrel programming language. And, also, C++.

Jesus. Fuck it dude, I'm ragequitting. Let's get breakfast. Not before I get him vote-kicked.

(Outside. The two are walking somewhere)

Red: What do you want for breakfast?

Adrian: I, uh, I don't know. Give me time to think.

Red: There is no time to think.

Adrian: What?

Red: No time. We can't stop walking, we're on a collision course for the breakfast place in like, a minute.

NAMINE: How fast do Red and Adrian even walk?

Make your mind up.

Adrian: Oh my god.

Red: What?

NAMINE: "Red, I just realized how much of a little shit you're being."

Adrian: This is so much pressure.

Red: How?

Adrian: Have you ever had to to to to to

NAMINE: Yes.

decide what breakfast you want? On short notice? It's difficult, man

Red: It's not difficult.

Adrian: It's really difficult, if it's not difficult then you do it, you you you white devil.

Red: Fine. Uh, I-

Adrian: See? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It's where you get...uh, where you get your energy.

NAMINE: Adrian for nutritional correctness, except when his statement's not necessarily 100% true.

Red: Your energy.

Adrian: Yeah, for the day.

NAMINE: Noxigar skips breakfast sometimes, and it makes me want to tell him everything'll be okay.

So if you screw that up, then, like, bad things happen and we're here.

Red: We're here. What would you like.

Adrian: Um, hashbrowns.

Red: Hashbrowns!? For real?

Adrian: Dude, seriously?

Red: What?

Adrian: You're criticising me for my breakfast choice? No wonder I didn't want to make a decision!

Red: Well, like, your breakfast game is all out of wack.

NAMINE: It's really not.

You said you needed energy!

Adrian: I do!

Red: Then why hash browns, they're bad for you!

NAMINE: Question marks are also apparently bad for you.

Adrian: No!

Red: They are! Also, bland. They're bland shit-

Adrian: They are NOT bland!

Red: Are you offended?

NAMINE: Said Briar to literally everyone else ever.

Adrian: I'm offended! Hashbrown meta is like, the best way to consume, like, breakfasts dude.

NAMINE: Let's see...
NAMINE: "Meta" is either a synonym for "self-referential," a Greek word for "after" or "beyond," epistemology for "about," or an acronym meaning MOST EFFECTIVE TACTIC AVAILABLE

Red: Waffles.

NAMINE: Waffles are just as much of a carb as hashbrowns. Then you add that succulent, sugary syrup and then it's even more of an "energy likely to expire the moment you get up" moment.

Egg.

NAMINE: Arguably better. Nox doesn't think so, though. I can hardly blame him.

Toast-

NAMINE: Red's Breakfast MOST EFFECTIVE TACTIC AVAILABLE is even more out of wack than Adrian's could possibly be.

dude just. Christ. Get your hashbrowns.

Adrian: I don't want them anymore. I'm not hungry.

Red: Don't fuck with me, how can you not be hungry

Adrian: We've been up all night eating, like, skittles and stuff. Tasty but I'm feeling queezy.

NAMINE: I thought it was spelt "queasy." Then again, my Spell-checker has shit taste, and should not be trusted.

Red: Fine. Geez. I'll order breakfast.

(They enter the breakfast shop. A woman is at the till. Her name tag says "Cleo")

Red: Hi!

Cleo: Hello, what can I get you?

NAMINE: What can I get for you?

Red: Just like, some waffles or something.

Cleo: Sure, what would you like on them?

Red: What would I? Oh my god. Adrian, a moment.

(Adrian and Red leave the store. Cleo stands there bewildered.

NAMINE: I'd be bewildered, too. They essentially left without confirming their orders completely.

They march back in.)

Red: I'VE MADE-

Adrian: He's made a decision.

Red: A decision, yeah. Blueberries, please, uh- Cleo. Blueberries. For me. None for him.

NAMINE: I'm sure Cleo understood.

Cleo: Sure.

(Cleo goes to the black to get waffles)

Red: Smart choice, Adrian. You're smartening up. You're understanding the true intricacies of breakfast meta.

NAMINE: Yeah, you got fruit.

{Short pause.}

NAMINE: That's just slightly healthier carbs and sugar? I understand the energy will last longer 'cause Vitamins, but in practice you are just having an asston of sugar for breakfast. I'm surprised you guys don't do ice cream for breakfast. Or Skittles.

Adrian: I just suggested, like, what might taste-

Red: Don't spoil it.

Adrian: Wh-

Red: Shh. Don't spoil the moment.

NAMINE: What moment?!

(Short pause. In comes Cleo, with waffles.)

Red: Cleo! Thank you! For...for the waffles! I appreciate it!

Cleo: You're...welcome? You haven't paid yet, sir.

Red: How much is it?

Cleo: Eight dollars.

Red: I- I- What? Excuse me?

Cleo: Eight dollars.

Red: Adrian. A moment.

(They leave the store.

NAMINE: "Sup, cops? Yeah, two idiots couldn't pony up $8 for this 'breakfast meta' they kept babbling about, yet they ponied up $50 for the T-shirts they're wearing and presumably already have their wallets on their person. I'm not sure what that would be charged as, though."

Cleo continues to stand there, bewildered)

Cleo: Guys...? You still have to pay...?

(They again enter the store)

Red: Yes. Hello. I am here, with my money and mine alone. To purchase waffles. These waffles, would, would you like the money?

Cleo: Yes.

Red: Great! Here it is! Money! Which is used to purchase, like, goods and services, and shit! Like waffles!

Cleo: Are you going to give me the money!

NAMINE: Is that supposed to be feisty?

Red: Yes.

(Short pause. Red gives Cleo the money)

Red: Alright, thanks!

Cleo: You're very welcome, have a good day.

Red: I'll try. I made the right breakfast decisions, so

NAMINE: So

Adrian: He should do. He's full-

Red: Full of energy, yeah.

(They stand in the store)

Cleo: You can leave, you know.

Adrian: We, we know. That's like, the norm, right?

Red: The cultural norm. That's politeness meta,

NAMINE: Sometimes I read this and other instances of "meta" as "meth" and wonder what the hell Ben was thinking.

it's leaving. After you purchase such goods as like, waffles and what not.

Adrian: Yeah. Wise choice.

NAMINE: Does Adrian even know about metas or are we just talking aftermaths here?

(They leave the store).

Red: We did it, we caught wind of breakfast.

NAMINE: Caught wind of breakfast? Is Red trying out the poetry meta or the pretentious-douchebag meta?

Adrian: That was nice, Red. It was nice, like, going out and stuff. What do we do now?

Red: I don't know man but I'm feeling DOTA

NAMINE: Yeah, I'm feeling Defense of the Ancients, too.

Adrian: Dota?

Red: Yeah I've been looking to-

(A pink car drives by)

Red: Wow that was a sweet car.

NAMINE: Any specifics on what kind of car was "sweet?"

Looking to play Dota

Adrian: Not, League?

Red: No, never, fuck off dipshit.

NAMINE: They're basically the same kind of game minus a few mechanics separating the two, and completely different paper-thin excuses-for-storylines.

Adrian: Was that necessary?

Red: It wasn't. I'm sorry. I apologise for what I-

(Adrian trips over, hitting his head. All his black. Adrian comes too in an endless, dark, void. A deep voice echoes everywhere.)

Voice: Adrian. You are alone, son. Nobody else is to bear witness to this meeting. Not your friends, your family, nobody. It is just me and you.

Adrian: Who are you? What's going on.

Voice: I...I am the embodiment of all you hold dear. Everything you are, everything you breathe for is me. I have many names, several of them spoken only by tongues which your brain struggles to perceive. So you may simply call me...Meta.

NAMINE: This is literally how Noxigar and I first met.

(Meta steps out of the void - he wears a cloak around his head, masking his facial features. His body is pale, thin, covered in fine, grey silken hair. He wears a small loincloth, and carries a wooden stick)

Meta: The world is more complex than you can possibly imagine, Adrian. Everything you are, everything you will be and everything that has passed his been the product of random chance. Pure chaos. Unstructured entropy that extends as far as the beginning and the end of the creation of the multiverse. But there are a few who can see past the chaos, Adrian. People who understand how to exploit, how to rework, how to succeed in such conditions. Strategists, Adrian. People like me. Like you.

Adrian: I, what, I, excuse me? Pardon? Is this?

Meta: Quiet, child. Your concussion was no accident. We've seen potential in you, Adrian. Suffocated potential, for now, but with time, you will become perhaps the greatest champions of our sport.

NAMINE: Do you have a name for the sport? Or...?

You have worlds to save, Adrian. Planets. And that is why we had to hurt you, to ensure this meeting took place. Because it may never have, Adrian.

Adrian: You, you, you hurt me? Why would you-

Meta: Enough. We will let you go now. But understand we have entrusted great power in you, Adrian. Use it wisely.

(Adrian wakes up, bleeding from the head, in the spot he fell in)

Red: What the fuck, dude?! Passing out!? What kind of next-level scumlord are you, Adrian?

NAMINE: I sure love wondering if Red knows a lot more about being a next-level scumlord.

Geez, no wonder you like playing league.

Adrian: Dude, I just got some bad juju.

Red: Some what?

Adrian: Bad vibes, bad juju, bad crazy night terrors something. Some skinny dude was telling me about how everything that's ever been is like, a dice roll, like all luck or something, and how I knew how to exploit such things because I understand the meta, or something?

Red: You- what? Are you kidding? You don't understand the meta!

Adrian: I don't?

Red: Nah, dude, here, let me help you up.

NAMINE: Finally, we get some exposition about the "meta."

(Red goes to help up Adrian, but lets him go, causing Adrian to crack his head against the sidewalk and pass out again. Adrian is once again in the black void, Meta's there just hanging out having a cuppa)

NAMINE: A cuppa-

{Namine uses Google-Meta.}

NAMINE: Cup of tea.

Adrian: You're still here?

Meta: Oh, what's up. You're back early.

Adrian: Yeah, well, seeing as I'm here can I ask some questions?

Meta: Eh, nah.

Adrian: Aw, come on dude! I want to help you, like, save planets, or something, but-

Meta: That comes later. Go back to your living realm, dude

NAMINE: I kinda like it when heroes and "chosen ones" take initiative.

Adrian: Ugh, fine.

(Adrian comes too, bleeding even more profusely)

NAMINE: What? What made you bleed? If you were bleeding from your head, you'd already be dead or in the hospital.

Red: See, that's prank meta. You don't get that?

NAMINE: No, you stupid wanker, you're supposed to take him to the hospital

Adrian: I saw him again! Look dude, first things first, I need to like like like-

(Adrian voms)

NAMINE: I can only assume that's short for "vomit."

Adrian: like, get to a hospital so I can get bandaged, or something. Then we need to find out if I have superpowers.

Red: For real? What kinds?

Adrian: I don't know, Red, that's why you need to get me to a hospital.

Red: Alright, I probably should.

NAMINE: Probably? No, definitely!

I'll go ask the breakfast lady if she can help. She probably like, rides bikes. Or something like that. Bikes and shit, could get you there quick.

NAMINE: Can you not just call 911 or ask for a phone?

(Time passes, as Adrian and Red walk off, they return at nightfall, Adrian's head bandaged)

Red: Okay, so how do we learn if you have superpowers, or something?

Adrian: I guess we'd need somebody to commit a crime? That seems like the kind of thing that happens in like, comics-

Voice: Somebody please help!

NAMINE: Bloody convenient, that is.

Red: Oh, wow, check it dude, a mugging.

Adrian: Wow that's pretty like, nifty.

Red: Nifty's the word to use. Okay dude, take him out.

(Adrian runs over to the mugging, a hooded man holding another dude at knifepoint)

Hooded dude: Give me like, ALL YOUR SHIT. I need it you know. So I can pawn it, and live.

NAMINE: You can pawn off feces?

Victim: Please dude I need it too for like, work, or whatever

Hooded dude: I'm a mugger, that's my job, like, I need it for work too! If I don't rob you, I'm like a bad mugger, you know?

Adrian: Alright, you, bad mugger dude, let him go!

Mugger: We gots ourselves a hero, huh? Whose to say I don't stab YOU!

Adrian: Cus, like, that's mean! And I've already gotten a head wound, today!

(Red runs in)

Red: This isn't working.

NAMINE: Oh, it is. Just, just give it time.

Adrian: It'll work dude, I swear!

(Adrian is slashed with the knife, on the back of the neck)

Adrian: Ow, dude! That was my best vertebrae, and you just like, scratched it a little! You could've like, paralysed me! Then where would I be? I'd be like, uh, the scientist! Tony Hawk,

NAMINE: Tony Hawk, Pro Physicist

from the theory of everything.

Red: Only you wouldn't be played by that hot actor.

Adrian: Yeah, I'd be regular old gross Tony Hawk!

Red: Also his name is Stephen Hawking.

Adrian: Oh.

Red: Tony Hawk is a skateboarder.

Adrian: Figures-

(Adrian is slashed again)

NAMINE: I fancied the idea of Tony Hawk in a lab suit, really.

Adrian: Ow! Right, like, quit it!

Red: How you gonna beat this dude, Adrian, you don't get superhero meta!

NAMINE: Wouldn't it be you don't have superhero meta?

Adrian: I do, this would be the part where I shrug off the double knifing

Red: Knifing?

Adrian: Knifering,

NAMINE: Not sure that's any better.

and like, I shrug it off, then he gets scared and I take his knife and he runs.

(The mugger goes to slash Adrian, but Adrian grabs his arm mid swing, seemingly without thinking)

Red: Yeah that'd WOAH

Adrian: What? Wait, OH MAN! Check it dude, I explained my strat and it like, happened!

Red: Rad!

Adrian: That's pretty cool. Yo mugger?

Mugger: I, I'm sorry!

Adrian: Run! And stuff!

Mugger: I'll, I'll be on my way, bye.

Red: Yeah that's right, you fucking scarper!

NAMINE: The hell's a "scarper?"

Adrian: Yeah, run off you you you communist! You filthy communist!

Red: Harsh

Adrian: Yeah, sorry. Oh, like, hey, victim dude, are you good?

(He ran off ages ago)

Red: Dude so like even if you died he'd still have had time to run!

Adrian: Yeah, donkey days.

NAMINE:' I'm not sure "Donkey Days" is worth the Google Meta I'd have to employ to even comprehend what Adrian's saying or trying to say.

Sweet dude, so I've got a power, probably.

Red: You do?

Adrian: I'm not actually sure. We'll have to keep testing.

Red: Probably.

Adrian: Not now, though.

Red: Why?

Adrian: You know, the head wounds, and the double knifering.

Red: Oh, right. You need

Adrian: Rest.

Red: Yeah, rest and what not.

NAMINE: And another trip to the hospital, that would be nice I imagine

Do you want grapes?

Adrian: Cus I'm poorly?

NAMINE: I assume Adrian's not making sense, due to how much pain he's in.

Red: Yeah.

Adrian: Lucozades good too.

NAMINE: Lucidity would be good, also.

{Namine uses Google Meta to know what Lucozade is}

NAMINE: Not sure an energy drink's going to help, but water in general is acceptable.

Red: Good choice. You're learning, scamp.

(Red goes to lovingly toussle

NAMINE: tussle

Adrian's hair, his bandage falls off)

Adrian: I'm gonna need a new bandage.

Red: Yeah. Sorry.

(End).

NAMINE: When Strong Intelligent decides to get serious about writing, it's actually good! Now this deserves Fanstuff of the Fortnight! If he'd finish it...