RiffText/Bastard/Rockofages

Does anyone wanna rock? Well I already got a rock musical for you guys, and it's totally not Tommy. Not even Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Okay, the latter we'll do sometime this month!

NOXIGAR: I have yet to see it on your queue, actually.

Welcome to Rock History Month (in March), a month where i talk about rock musicals, and no, we're not doing Yellow Submarine or Tommy, because I wanna be more infamous!

NOXIGAR: That's not how you become infamous. Or famous. Or whatever it is you actually wish to be.

That's why we're doing tonight's movie, Rock of Ages, a 2012 movie featuring stars like... um...

NAMINE: I didn't know filler words could be used in mostly-written pieces- oh, wait, people on TVTropes do this, too.

sta-Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and stars!

NAMINE: Hey, at least you named some stars. Now we can assess what you think of their performances!

Oh, and it's based off a popular Broadway rock musical of the same name, which is also a tribute to the genre.

NOXIGAR: Isn't it actually based off of a rock festival done in 1985- wait, no, I'm thinking of a completely different rock-oriented film and piece. I think it had something to do with Amnesty International? I might actually be wrong, but I think it was called Live-Aid. That's the one I know about.

The film itself was famous for reviving classic rock music from the '70s and '80s, much like the musical... and what i mean famous, I mean box office flop and mixed to negative reviews from critics. So let's take a dive at it, shall we?

NAMINE: For once, yes.

We start off with a girl, by the name of Sherrie Christian, going to Hollywood to try out to play rock music. Drew Boley, a bartender, gets ready for the event coming up at the Bourbon Room. Both met each other, they love each other, the scene goes on, Sherrie tries out there to become a singer, moving on... She then becomes a waitress. Yeah, we hire her for great material... except when she sings.

NOXIGAR: I'm surprised that Sherrie still wants to be a singer, if she's as bad as you say she is and isn't told that she isn't adequate.

Club owner, Dennis, and his partner, Lonny, asked Sherrie and Drew to raise money for the club, as they hire Stacee Jaxx, and my god, did Tom Cruise become the poor man's Axl Rose and Brett Michaels. By the way, these songs are basically the best part of the movie, since they were actually having a lot of fun, covering the songs, even if some are rushed, or mashed up, or anything. Tom Cruise is a big example, because it seems like he was having fun covering the songs.

NAMINE: At least you aren't just saying it's phoned in.

Then... you get the characteristics in the film...

In the musical, Stacee Jaxx, was the antagonist. He beats up many people, fucks up his band, rapes the lady at the bathroom stall at the end, etc., you name 'em, yet writers wanna CHANGE that, and make him one of the good guys, ooh! I mean, we don't want Tom Cruise to be mean like he was in Tropic Thunder. I don't mind changes if done right, but this is not done right. And I even saw little of the original musical. Yeah, because he's misunderstood and stuff like that- fuck you writers, you should go back to rock n' roll classes in college. They have some great teachers.

NOXIGAR: This makes me lament not seeing the actual movie.
NAMINE: At least we know the track record of most rock stars in the 70's and 80's, and a lot of it's actually consistent with Stacee Jaxx's rap sheet. Yet, Hollywood and others often hide some of the criminal acts those rockers did, or the track record which often led to their deaths.

Sadly, no Jack Black, because he was only there in 2003.

NAMINE: Tell me more about Jack Black.
NOXIGAR: Good actor in a couple of movies, but was consistently overdone and overblew his own popularity. He sang really well but Tenacious D wasn't as good as people made it out to be, and then he ended up like other good actors of his time in a string of box office and critical bombs which nearly decimated his career.

So anyway, a right-wing Christian conservative, Patricia Whitmore, protests the bar, and shit hits the fan. Meanwhile, Stacee and her future manager, played by the Slik Spectre, go to an interview at a record company after she and Drew made big in the bar with their songs. I wish people were fighting rather than listening. That would be more entertaining.

NAMINE: I'm guessing he likes action films more?

Then, there were rumors (as if there was a rumor that Chris Chan bailed out from jail and still protested Sega- no joke),

NAMINE: I want to know more about Rock of Ages, not Chris Chan's latest atrocity.

Drew then cheats on her, then they break up, cue another song.

They then meet, and then they sing again, and then they have time to perform and make big, they try and try and try, and they finally got to perform. Stacee makes his negative reaction to the "bad" record companies, and that's it. And eight months later, they perform big time at a huge band, Wolfgang Von Colt. I just am waiting for the sequel, where they get overshadowed by thrash metal bands, and start doing coke. Wait, that would be too nice.

NOXIGAR: One, no it wouldn't be. Two, if this was just a remake of a musical, why would there be a sequel? Three, this did not need to be its own paragraph.

The film itself is disjointed, and not in a good way, and once again, that's coming from a guy who saw little about the original musical, yet I heard there were some drastic changes. Then comes the cover songs that were surprisingly decent, but some got mashed together and whatnot, and the acting is kinda meh. What I mean meh, I mean that everybody, except for maybe Tom Cruise, made their lukewarm performances due to the changes made between the show and the movie. Overall, this movie isn't recommended to anybody, unless if you have a big passion with the original show. But even the people who've seen that would think that this is out of place.

NAMINE: This is a good conclusion paragraph. No complaints here, actually.

...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there's more to come this month on Rock History Month (in March).

JOIN ME IN MY NEXT REVIEW!

REQUESTED BY STROHESH. THANKS FOR THE REQUEST.

NOXIGAR: ALSO THANKS FOR ALLOWING THE BASTARD TO HAVE FINALLY MADE ONE GOOD "REVIEW" OUT OF SEVERAL.

ROCK OF AGES IS OWNED BY NEW LINE CINEMA/WARNER BROS.