RiffText/Bastard/Macandme

{Noxigar wakes up.}

NOXIGAR: {yawns} What happened?
NAMINE: You were about to go on a rampage again.
NOXIGAR: That... doesn't explain anything?
{Noxigar blinks.}
NOXIGAR: We're riffing something?
NAMINE: Yeah. Some guy kept bothering Lex about mixtapes and mashups, and I listened to one of them by mistake and realized how bad it was. In return, you wanted to kick him down a notch and here we are.
NOXIGAR: What was I about to rampage for?
NAMINE: Overly self-promotional person makes fun of That Guy With The Glasses for plastering their faces onto the concept of humour, in spite of plastering his face onto everything ever.
NOXIGAR: So we're dealing with a hipster?
NAMINE: No, he likes American Dad.
NOXIGAR: Oh, alright.
{Beat}
NOXIGAR: So can we question his infinitely atrocious taste now or...?
NAMINE: You're the guy with "Praestantia" or whatever you call it.
NOXIGAR: Kinesthetic awareness and foresight which I think is a psychic power.

{Namine shrugs. Suddenly, a world explodes.}

Hey! Guess what? Self-promotion!

NAMINE: LOOK AT MY MIX-TAPE, GUYS!!!!!!!! ALSO FUCK DOUG WALKER!!!!!!!!

NOXIGAR: Is that literally all he does?

NAMINE: Yes.

Yeah, it took me a while to get to a movie that whores out products like Coke, sears, Skilttles,

NOXIGAR: Skilltles? Maybe I can earn my Psychogenics stripes with those candies.
NAMINE: Or we can get some sears at Shears.

and McDonalds.

NAMINE: McDonald's has the apostrophe, right?
NOXIGAR: No, that's Wendy's, and their burgers are better.

Seems like a good idea! Not for a movie, but for a commercial at your local mall. Mac & Me is not only your typical shameless ET knockoff, but it is also a film that whores more than said film.

NAMINE: There was a theme of prostitution in ET? Where?
NOXIGAR: Can't be bothered, I never saw ET.

Where ET at least whores a little with Resse's Pieces,

NAMINE: It's just "Reese's."

NOXIGAR: I dunno, this Resse guy sounds like just the guy we need to stop Metal Gear Hitler from-

NAMINE: There is no Metal Gear Hitler. Let's stop before you get on a psychotic break again.

this Mac & Me bullshit is basically a promotion whore of its own.

Hey kids, you want your movie to open up with Ronald McDonald narrating the movie? Too bad, because it only happened in the trailer. makes sense since I didn't want my review to shamelessly open up with a 5-dollar pizza commercial from Little Caesars.

NAMINE: I'm sure Little Caesar would love to hear your mash-ups of random songs being glued together a la paper maché.

We begin with the NASA corporation having a satellite landing in the "unknown" planet, which they don't explain what planet is called, as it eventually sees four alien creatures, and they get sucked to Earth, and then, we meet MAC. An alien that looks like ET's mentally challenged cousin. Meanwhile, we see the children getting ready for a pointless dance competition at, yes, McDonalds, featuring Ronald McDonald. Nope, i'm not gonna do a Ronald McDonald joke that involves Tourettes guy saying it. It's overkilled and is too easy.

NOXIGAR: I'm not going to do a joke because it's too mainstream is all I'm understanding.
NAMINE: That's a common theme with this guy.

Not to mention, there is a scene with the little kid on a wheelchair that is rolls to the cliff all the way down to the waterfall or river or... whatever, its kinda fucked up in some sort.

NAMINE: I don't think he actually watches the movies.

NOXIGAR: What makes you say that?

NAMINE: He's way too lacking in details about the movies themselves, and spends more time bashing other things unrelated to the movie in question. He does that, or he references a later review that, at the time, no one has observed yet. Either way, he's losing me here.

So anyway, the kids think of a way to get MAC home. But there is another alien, and it is the same alien as MAC, except it's female. But you can't tell the difference because they have no genitalia. The only difference is one is blue and the other is pink. No help whatsoever.

NOXIGAR: Maybe they have no genders or sexes, and are just alternately coloured aliens?

So then, MAC goes back home, and he will be back. hell, even the words, "We will be back" appear like a sequel is gonna happen. But no sequel happened because it sucked and it was a massive bomb from critics and at the box office. Hell, there was even a reference in the movie, Paul. At least that movie was more entertaining than this shit.

NOXIGAR: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Something with Seth Rogen in it can be entertaining?
NAMINE: I think you're getting too worked up over what's essentially faint praise.

But who am I to kid, I am actually making a movie about Red M&M & Yellow M&M narrating a ripoff of 2001: A Space Odyssey and it features Chester Cheetah from Cheetos, the Geico gecko, Jack from Jack in the Box, and even the 8-bit characters from the weird Australian nintendo commercial as the HAL 9000 ripoff. I'm not gonna spoil the movie for you, however, in this movie, one of them gets raped by the HAL 9000 ripoff.

NOXIGAR: Bad mash-up?
NAMINE: Bad mash-up.

JOIN ME IN THE NEXT REVIEW!

MAC & ME IS OWNED BY ORION, NOW METRO-GOLDWYN-MAYER.