(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/Bastard/Bratz
In the first ever review from me, TVB,
NAMINE: You thought your first kiss would be with Johnathan, but it was me, Dio!
{Beat.}
NOXIGAR: Nope, funnier in mine.
NAMINE: I think that was funnier in my head.
I do a review in humanly passion
NOXIGAR: And I do a riff in Nobodyly passion
on one of the worst movies I have ever seen.
NAMINE: That's a pretty high bar to have. How many movies have you seen to make this judgment?
And tonight is the night were i review... {shudders} BRATZ THE MOVIE!
That's right! Lionsgate's adaptation of an obvious slutty Barbie ripoff toyline!
NOXIGAR: This was in 2013, right?
NAMINE: That's what it says on the main menu.
NAMINE: Not everyone has "pointlessly seductive" or "excessively sultry" in their vocabulary? That's kind of my only valid explanation for it.
NOXIGAR: Why are we continuing to describe things as "slutty" when there's almost no basis for it?
Now before I go ahead and rip this apart,
NOXIGAR: He tries so hard to be He11sing920 that it's utterly frustrating.
NAMINE: Didn't you at one point like He11sing920?
NAMINE: I thought it was Latin for "about." As in, "I'm about to question your bias on this guy's review style."
NOXIGAR: For a couple months, tops. Then my inner Nostalgia Critic fan found his hipster rantings hypocritical.
NAMINE: So your Doug Walker meta took in?
NOXIGAR: Sure, let's... let's go with that, I guess. Everyone's using that "Most Effective Tactic Available" acronym nowadays for just about everything.
let me say that I am surprised that, of all things, Lionsgate released a film adaptation on the worst toyline ever, back when there were trailers of the movie in 2007. I never went and saw the movie that year. And now it's time for me to review it, so {sigh} let's just get the fuck over it!
NOXIGAR: "Let's just get the fuck over it?"
NAMINE: He probably meant "Let's just get this the fuck over with."
So we get a film about Cloe, and her "memorable" friends, Yashmin, Sasha, and Jade.
NAMINE: Aren't those the four main Bratz dolls' names?
NOXIGAR: Yeah.
NAMINE: I don't see how that's not memorable, even if it would be considered minutia.
They are ready to go to high school for the first time.
NAMINE: "Coming of age," right?
NOXIGAR: Yup.
We're greeted with another stereotype, Meredith, and the hellcats. Yeah, hell is right.
NOXIGAR: oh yeah look it's the chooms again
NAMINE: oh no it's the organization again
NOXIGAR: not very organized for an organization am i right oh ha ha ha
She wants everything to be organized, especially people. Yeah, that's the Meredith we wanted! {moans}
NAMINE: This sounds like sour grapes, but I think his moaning might-
NOXIGAR: I'm going to stop you right there before we accidentally breach character for longer than intended.
So what I gathered is that Cloe loves to play soccer, Jon Voight, who is here for a paycheck to give to his daughter, Angelina Jolie, play as the principal,
NOXIGAR: I feel like a legitimate review show would probably do what IMDB does and keep a list of who does what, then leave the snarky retorts for different actors and actresses only when it's appropriate.
and some tweeny-bopper songs play making Hot Problems by Two Take look a lot like any Led Zeppelin song.
NOXIGAR: I'm pretty sure "Hot Problems" came after this movie.
NAMINE: Who's Two Take?
NOXIGAR: I've no clue either, honestly. Still, I think this is like those other pretend review shows that just have to slap in a pisstake on Justin Beiber or Rebecca Black to solidify indie cred.
Jade is also with the nerds, Sasha becomes a cheerleader, and Yashmin watches male porn.
NAMINE: I feel like Yashmin's a power player.
Okay, I'm kidding. Actually, she becomes a journalist major.
NAMINE: Aww. At least she can still be a power player, though.
Never in time did they explain what the hell is going on. They just met and they become friends in a matter of seconds.
NAMINE: Can't it be implied they knew each other in elementary school, or something else? I feel like a lot of context is being stripped out just to be caustic.
The talent show is coming to high school, so they come up with an idea to make their own show. Thus, we get more terrible music!
NAMINE: It's... a musical? I don't really get why he's mocking a talent show as a plot premise.
That's the plot. Nothing else happens. Nothing! I mean, there could be a film where there's high school kids trapped in a dungeon with viking music and classic '70s-'90s heavy metal music playing and there would be a climax where the high school kids have to be muddy, "LOL," and they find a way to defeat a wizard that is as smart as Einstein, travels all over the world with a flying monster truck, and beautiful babes that the high school men would be in love with. That would've been a better movie than what we have. So we're stuck to watching tweeny-bopper high school movies like Bratz the Movie. Nobody understands quality, time, logic, or anything.
NOXIGAR: A heavy metal high school version of Bratz would just be seen as needlessly tryhard and probably even more recognizable as a cash grab; it might have some effort but what you literally described also reeks of the "nerdy hipster dudebro" that I absolutely detest. Also, Einstein is horrifically overrated, as he was a savant when it came to science but was absolute shit at math, so good luck with a wizard who is stuck in algebra yet can make an atomic bomb in spite of that, I guess?
let me tell you, this is one of the WORST movies ever. I'm dead serious!
NAMINE: You kind of went into it with the pre-conceived notion of it being a bad movie anyway.
If you wanna suffer, go ahead and watch it. Otherwise, avoid it! Now burn it!
JOIN ME IN THE NEXT REVIEW!
NAMINE: Do we have to?
NOXIGAR: I had to sit through GAME 1.
NOXIGAR: Yes, we're slogging through these "reviews."
NAMINE: That's not answering the question.
BRATZ: THE MOVIE IS OWNED BY LIONSGATE
