(even if you aren't vegan)
Wikihood/arc/P17
Summary
Transcript
{Open to Townindale's Town Square. The whole area is in complete and utter disarray as it has suffered through quite a lot in such a small span of time. Undead hordes, angry militias, and now reckless robotic squadrons. The citizen militia has all but disbanded in terror as the robots have taken their place in fighting against the undead, and many of the town's buildings and other pieces of infrastructure have been wrecked to oblivion due to collateral damage between the factions and their fighting. Pan over to the Wikihood, who are now walking through the Town Square as the battle rages on in the background, laser blasts and explosions everywhere.}
CHAOS: Lex?
LEX: Yes, Chaos?
CHAOS: Remind me again why we ever chose to deal with either of these two. Why we accepted D'Arque's invitation to his masquerade before he tried to kill us, or why we even went as far as to give that Rosenberg man the time of the day, let alone... this.
LEX: I... don't even know myself, at this point.
NICHOLAI: Is all this... stuff normal for you guys? I didn't come at an awkward time, did I?
OIRACUL: Heh, believe me, for the last couple of weeks, this stuff's starting to become the norm around here.
CHAOS: Yeah, we just happened to be caught in the middle of a feud between two old men with more power than actual sense. One side's lead by an insane and undead drama queen with an obsession with the arts and dark magic, while the other side's lead by a slightly less insane but arguably more harmful technocrat with an obsession with technology and robotics.
NICHOLAI: Huh. I see.
CHAOS: We tried to make a point to remain neutral in this, but when multiple attempts were made on our lifes and this town was held hostage by Zombie Boy, we had no choice but to side with Mr. Roboto instead.
LEX: So yeah, you joined us at a rather interesting time. We're pretty much here for damage control, you know? Making sure this shizzle doesn't get too out of hand.
{Zoom out to reveal the wrecked town.}
LEX: ...And as you can see, we're doing a fine dandy job of it all!
REMOLAY: I think we're running the town better than D'Arque ever did, to be frank.
CHAOS: The town might be falling apart, but at least our policies are transparent!
OIRACUL: What exactly are our policies?
CHAOS: Um... giving a bunch of inept townspeople deadly arms and sending them to their deaths to fight undead warriors, I guess. That, and watching our crappy rich benefactor tear up the town as well, of course.
LEX: So, what do you want to do, Chaos? We have two options here. Either locate D'Arque and take him out for good, or do something about Rosenberg's "help".
REMOLAY: Choices, choices.
NICHOLAI: I think we should just leave it to the two of them. They both seem to be enjoying their petty rivalry against each other, from the looks of things.
OIRACUL: Then what are we to do with ourselves?
LEX: Oiracul makes a good point, we do need to keep ourselves either entertained or busy with work.
CHAOS: Yeah, we all know how attention-deficit you are, Lex.
{Lex's face turns into a sour frown.}
CHAOS: Well then the best we could probably do would be to try and round up as many townsfolk as we can and get them somewhere relatively safe.
NOXIGAR: Let's get started, then.
{The gang pick up their rifles and scurry off, as from behind a ruined building. Cut to Stephanie and Rosenberg's drone, who is being wheeled off of the back of a carrier truck.}
STEPHANIE: Sir, are you sure this is a wise idea? You haven't tried using one of these drones since they last broke it.
ROSENBERG: Trust me, Stephanie. I've prepared this decoy solely to fool D'Arque in the event we get ambushed from this command center.
STEPHANIE: Command center? We're standing out in the open on a hill, with a remote control and some cars! And what about me? I don't have a robot that I can replace myself with.
ROSENBERG: Well, I'd hoped that I would have raised you to know how to get out of an ambush situation.
STEPHANIE: Oh sure, you taught me for a situation that's never happened to me before, but what does it mean if I have to do it alone?
ROSENBERG: It means you'd be able to do it perfectly. I did teach you after all.
STEPHANIE: You put too much faith in me.
ROSENBERG: Back in my day, we didn't call it "Putting in 'faith'", we called it "Do or die".
{Stephanie is very taken back by this statement.}
ROSENBERG: Don't worry, I'm prepared for anything they have to throw at me.
{Cut to D'Arque and Dane, who have finally stopped running and take a minute to catch their breath.}
DEBONAIR: {Exhausted} So {deep breath} ...have anything prepared to deal with these robots?
{Dane, crouched over, looks up at D'Arque.}
DANE: ...Nope. Why don't you just get Droll in on this?
DEBONAIR: You're joking, right? Do you see Droll anywhere to help us?
DANE: Sure, I made sure to stuff him into my backpack before we left the office.
{Dane pulls out a green pillow with a pattern on it that resembles a goblin's face.}
DEBONAIR: Dane, that's a pillow.
DANE: Hey, that's not a nice thing to say! I mean, Droll might be a little soft behind the ears, but...
DEBONAIR: No, I mean it's a literal pillow!
{D'Arque snatches the Droll-looking pillow from Dane and tears it up. Dane becomes an emotional wreck over the pillow and begins coddling it's stuffing and remains.}
DEBONAIR: For Christ's sake! You're worthless to me, and every penny I flushed into you!
DANE: {Holding back tears} But...you haven't paid me yet! {Dane resumes sobbing at the newfound revelation.}
DEBONAIR: And you expect payment with a half-ass attitude and being as gullible as wood? Please.
{D'Arque takes out his checkbook and rips out one of the checks, and then promptly shoves it in his mouth and begins to chew. Dane gets immediately grossed out and jumps to his feet.}
DANE: Alright, alright! You've made your weird {shudders} artistic statement. I'll go see what I can do about this.
DEBONAIR: {Mouth full of paper} Damn skippy!
{D'Arque spits the paper out and hands Dane a pencil.}
DEBONAIR: You have one minute. Impress me.
{Dane hesitantly picks up the wadded up paper, fixes it up, and begins drawing on it. He hands the finished product to D'Arque, which depicts himself, Dane using robots as a DJ stand blasting beats, and a dotted line with an X at the end.}
DEBONAIR: ...Dane, what the hell am I looking at?
DANE: You don't get it? See, this is me taking some of the robots and trying to make a sound system that, if I can shred some sweet licks into, should make feedback that I can follow with my magic!
DEBONAIR: ...Is that actually how it works?
DANE: You seemed to have forgotten that I've got a little voodoo that I do do.
{D'Arque counts out how many times Dane said 'do' on his fingers to make sure that he's used the proper amount.}
DEBONAIR: Surprised you came up with this idea all by yourself. Well, it's the only shot we have to get to the brain of these stupid tin cans. Dane, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but, I'm proud of you. Now, let's get to work!
{Cut back to the Wikihood, who have already managed to gather a few townsfolk. They're hiding out in the ruins of a building, while the sounds of lasers and explosions can be heard from outside.}
TRACY: Yo, man, what the heck is happenin' out there, man? You folks didn't tell us there were gonna be bots! What the heck, man? How am I supposed to find my family in this weather?
NOXIGAR: Hey, it's not like we planned for them. Rosenberg said he was going to send backup, we had no idea it was going to be in the form of... this!!
LEX: Well, in all fairness, they are doing a good job when it comes to deposing of all the undead.
VENTIN: Why aren't we out there, huh? We have all this awesome weaponry that we've found lying around, we could totally take them!
CHAOS: Well, we would, if Rosenberg's mechanical army were a little less undiscriminating about who they targeted. We have to keep our heads low, and just keep on finding survivors. Human survivors.
REMOLAY: Oi!
CHAOS: Oh. Sorry. Organic survivors. Who are actually alive.
REMOLAY: Thank you.
{Nicholai, who's looking watch, spots something out the windowsill.}
NICHOLAI: Hey, over there! There's somebody moving around.
{Nicholai, Oiracul, Sirrus, and Ventin head out to check it out. Reporter Khoroushi is surrounded by robots.}
SIRRUS: Isn't that the newslady?
VENTIN: She's gonna get turned into shredded newspaper if we don't do anything.
NICHOLAI: {yelling to Khoroushi} Don't worry, we're co-
{Khoroushi signals them to hold back and pulls out a submachine gun.}
REPORTER KHOROUSHI: This just in: It looks like an incoming storm of bullets is heading our way, and when it's all over there'll be a huge gathering for heavy metal fans!
{Khoroushi unloads a wild clip of bullets at the robots. They get turned into sufficient scrap.}
NICHOLAI: Wow.
OIRACUL: I don't believe it.
REPORTER KHOROUSHI: Growing up in the war-torn middle east, suffice it to say I've got a lot of tricks up my sleeve!
{As she triumphs in her slaughter, the ground rumbles and undead begin to erupt from it. The gang is about react, but the familiar sound of Volkov comes out of nowhere, as he heroically falls from the sky and crushes the undead beneath him, as he proceeds to bash the other ones into dust. The gang slides down the hill to meet the two.}
NICHOLAI: You really are something, lady. And your strongman friend is impressive, too.
VOLKOV: Volkov would do anything for his one true love!
{Khoroushi grabs his arm and affectionately swoons, to which he lifts her up and the two begin to passionately kiss. Everyone looks flabbergasted.}
SIRRUS: I wanna go home now.
OIRACUL: I have the power of foresight, and I have officially seen too much.
NICHOLAI: Dammit, just as I was about to hit on her.
OIRACUL: Now that I could foresee.
{Cut back to Dane. Dane has packed his bags and whistles for the aid of some zombies. He gives the thumbs up to D'Arque, who is sitting underneath a rotted tree and giving him a stern look. Dane begins off, surrounded by his entourage of undead. Cut to the ruined part of town, where after Dane checks to see if the coast is clear, he snaps his fingers and the zombies begin rudimentary beatboxing.}
DANE: Yo yo yo! It's Dane and The Rotted Through Crew!
{The zombies pick up and unify their beats, and the quality improves.}
DANE: Uh-huh, uh! Let's go!
{The Zombies lift Dane overhead as he begins rapping.}
DANE: Visualizin' the realism of life and actuality, screw who's the baddest a person's status depends on salary. Now my mentality is money orientated, I'm destined to live the dream for all my peeps who never made it.
{Dane hops down and begins leading the cavalcade.}
DANE: 'Cause yeah, we were beginners in the hood as five percenters, but somethin' must of got in us 'cause all of us turned to sinners. Now some, restin' in peace and some are sittin' in San Quentin. Others such as myself are tryin' to carry on tradition.
{The zombies begin adding step patterns into their movement, turning into a rather funky march.}
DANE: Keepin' the schwepervesence street ghetto essence inside us 'cause it provides us with the proper insight to guide us. Even though, we know somehow we all gotta go, but as long as we leavin', thievin' we'll be leavin' with some kind of dough.
{The troop begins to advance right by the ruined building where the Wikihood and friends are hiding out. They try to keep low, but Chaos, Lex, and Noxigar recognize Dane's voice and peek overhead to watch the spectacle.}
DANE: So and to that day we expire and turn to vapors, Me and my capers, I'll be somewhere stackin' plenty papers. Keepin' it real, packin' steel, gettin' high, 'cause life's a bitch and then you die.
CHAOS: {Whispering} You have got to be kidding me!
NOXIGAR: {Whispering} This doesn't bode well for us...
LEX: {Whispering} Oh man, this is my jam!
{Dane fails to notice them, and keeps on down through the suburbs.}
DANE: Life's a bitch and then you die, that's why we get high, 'cause you never know when you're gonna go!
{Robots scavenging the houses notice Dane's caravan and begin to approach it.}
DANE: Life's a bitch and then you die, that's why we puff lye, 'cause you never know when you're gonna go!
{Dane pulls out his portable turntable and slings it around his shoulder. As soon as the Robots get within range he blasts a deadly chord at them, which erupts as a bolt of arcane energy and smolders one of the robots where it stands.}
DANE: Life's a bitch and then you die, that's why we get high, 'cause you never know when you're gonna go!
{Dane spins a beat and sends out a pulse that magnetically grabs all of the robots and brings them straight to Dane, colliding in a pile at his feet.}
DANE: Life's a bitch and then you die, that's why we get high, life's a bitch and then you die, that's why we puff lye!
{Dane steps atop the pile of robots and gives his discs the best spin he can. The robots explode, as Dane is sent skyrocketing with the explosion. He lands on his feet and begins rapping down the street, with D'Arque and his horde of undead following him as he heads towards the highway. The last line of his rap repeats and follows him as he walks away. After checking if the coast is clear, Noxigar steps out from cover and surveys the damage, as he notices that a good portion of the robots are still intact.}
NOXIGAR: Let me try this.
{Noxigar does a couple of MJ-esque dance moves as he moonwalks across the scene. Lex and Chaos look at each other in confusion as a new beat starts to play, out of nowhere.}
NOXIGAR: He just started some sick fires.1 I thought about beating that guy's head with a tire. To convey otherwise would be to condemn me as a liar. I get the feeling he's the merchant and I'm the buyer.
{Noxigar looks directly at the viewer and blinks. Suddenly, his Helm of Atomsk glows and more undead seem to be swayed to his side, doing a dance, much like the zombies from Thriller.}
NOXIGAR: Sure, life's a bitch. Everybody knows that. Just turn on the switch, and hit this grizzfarb with a bat. It should come as no surprise, that undeath's one weird blessing in disguise. Some people like the loquacious vocabulary, as for me I'm just fond of the frozen dairy. My favourite flavour is cookies n' cream. A world of it is one of my many good dreams. But even good dreams become a total nightmare. Especially bad comics which make me pull most of my hair. From off my dreadful titanium cranium, as I wonder why things just go the way they do. When you voice your triggers, sometimes the opposition rings true. With words of completely missing the point, and then wondering why I totally would smoke a joint. Yeah, life's a wanker, so what?
{Noxigar starts making sorcerer hand-gestures, as he uses the armor to "possess" Rosenberg's robots.}
NOXIGAR: Yeah, life's a wanker. Congratulations. Moving on in a tanker, I bequeath salutations.
{The robots then approach Noxigar as an ally, but look at Lex and co. with some skepticism.}
NOXIGAR: Yeah, life's a wanker. Congratulations. Go buy a tanker, whilst I bequeath salutations.
{More robots get reanimated. Noxigar's 700 becomes 800.}
NOXIGAR: Yeah, life's a wanker. Congratulations. Drink a full tanker, here's ironic salutations.
{Noxigar walks back to the Wikihood and takes a bow as the music stops.}
NOXIGAR: So, what do you think?
{Chaos places his hands over his eyes, Lex places his hands over his mouth, and Remolay places his hands over his ears.}
NOXIGAR: Really? Hmph. Everyone's a critic.
{Cut back to Steph, who is using the controller to maintain levels of energy output, functions, and general programming for the majority of the robot horde.}
STEPHANIE: Sir? I believe all of D'Arque's zombie minions in this particular have been... pretty much eradicated now. In fact, I think the last one we've seen was fifteen minutes ago. Shouldn't we be calling the bots off now?
{Rosenberg is using a small portable TV hooked up to the computer feed in the back of the van to watch the video feed of the robots, as the citizens of Townindale react to them in typical horror movie fashion with mixed emotions of hatred and fear.}
STEPHANIE: ...Sir?
ROSENBERG: They don't even realize what we've come to do. They're terrorized by a mound of walking flesh on the daily, and we come from on high to help them. What do they do? They tear them apart, all of that hard earned money and years of research, like brutes desensitized to violence.
STEPHANIE: Of course they do, it's a natural human response. Surely you understand that it's easy to be afraid when your world changes as rapidly as theirs did. It takes more than numbers and money to get people to invest faith in things when their worlds fall apart like that.
ROSENBERG: It didn't take much convincing for me when I had lost all of my faith. But when I put my money into that assembly line and these popped out...I thought I would be leaving it behind safely.
STEPHANIE: What's that supposed to mean? You don't think the company will be alright?
ROSENBERG: Not just some conveyor belt! All of my work! Midway! The Industries! You...
STEPHANIE: Sir, trust me, nobody is going to forget you and the things you've done with your life.
ROSENBERG: But if they're going to look at me with fear then I don't want them looking at all.
STEPHANIE: You're beginning to sound a little rash...
ROSENBERG: You heard me! I want it all destroyed. Set those robots to demolish this pathetic town and everyone in it. If we let them recover from this then they'll just make a whole fear-mongering society, they'll just let themselves get taken over. None of it matters, they clearly don't understand and can't accept the advances of technology I've made and its necessity in their futures!
{Rosenberg exits the van and snatches the controller from Stephanie.}
STEPHANIE: Excuse me? That makes no sense! They're all-
ROSENBERG: They've all grown up under his shadow. D'Arque's played them for fools for generations, and he's begun to shape and mold them into petty and foolish playthings of soft, dimwitted clay. Every time he turned around to bleed them dry or dupe them, to harass and control them, they didn't learn anything. They're an ignorant sort, and if they're not going to stand up for themselves, then I will. And if they don't want to accept my help, then they're just as bad as he is. That's why he did it, after all!
STEPHANIE: What? Do what?
ROSENBERG: Now I admit, at first, when D'Arque finally went off the deep end and tried to disrupt the infrastructure of my beautiful city with his citizens, I was rightfully distressed. But now thinking on the incident, it was most definitely the best thing he could have ever done. You see, just as D'Arque planned to raise this town, I've decided to go a different direction and RAZE IT INSTEAD!
STEPHANIE: N-no! But, why? Why would you do such a thing? This town doesn't deserve this! The people don't deserve this! I thought we were trying to help them!
ROSENBERG: But we are, Miss Young. We are helping them in a way unlike anybody could have possibly imagined. We're not only freeing them, we are liberating them. Permanently liberating them from the influence of D'Arque for good! And if this plan for liberation means for us to burn this town to the ground, so be it! And you! I looked for so long to find somebody who would be compotent to assure the fiedlity and quality of my finest works. I needed someone who I could trust to take up my mantle!
STEPHANIE: What? To turn into a giant ice sculpture and dwell too long on mortality to try and make an empire based all around yourself!? I can't believe I let you teach me anything, less alone mold me in your image...I would say that this is an immediate thing, but clearly you've been driving yourself insane since you got yourself a nice big building and some shiny hunks of scrap metal to put on display to scare everybody into surrounding you with a fortress of ice and metal.
ROSENBERG: Insane? Me? Hah, don't be foolish. I was merely doing what's best for them. If I didn't step up, then who would have?
STEPHANIE: Anybody who wasn't insane could have done it! You've become so blinded by your "success" that you've lost sight of your true goals. People are dying out there, and you're so focused on this petty quest for revenge, that you don't even care. I thought our goal was to help our fellow man. I thought we were focused on bringing a brighter future to all, using the power of technology to help mankind.
ROSENBERG: You don't understand though. I am helping them. Yes, lives are being lost, but for a good cause. After the cleansing is finished, I plan on rebuilding this town in a new image. It will be my second greatest achievement, next to Midway. The people in this town will live as kings under my-... No, your control! This is what we've been wanting to do for a long time, Miss Young! I am merely seizing the chance to do so! Don't you see it?
STEPHANIE: You still don't get it, do you? Didn't think you would, actually. You're in too deep now. I can't believe I didn't see it until now. After all this time, it turns out that you and D'Arque are just the goddamn same. Two bitter old men with nothing better to do than to spend decades snarling at each other like two hyenas fighting over a piece of meat. You're not the man I first met. The one full of hope and optimism. You've changed into a bitter shell of your old self. You used everyone - the city, the company...me...
ROSENBERG: Either hit that button, or I...
STEPHANIE: What? You'll hit the button for me?
ROSENBERG: No...
{Rosenberg strikes Stephanie, causing her to knock the controller out of her hands. A small contingency of robots runs over to the controller to retrieve it for Rosenberg.}
STEPHANIE: It turns out Droll was right, James. This has gone on far enough. This needs to stop. Do what you will from now on, because I am having no part of it. I'm out of here.
{Steph starts to walk away. Rosenberg's robots try to go after her, but the sounds of a sweet rap begin to fill the air. Steph continues until she's caught under the shadow of a horde of undead that are heading towards her, led by Dane in a fancy Napoleonic hat.}
STEPHANIE AND ROSENBERG: Oh, no.
{The undead rise up like a literal tidal wave before ascending on the robots in the area. Dane hops off and pulls out a keytar. He strums a few chords and sends out a wave of electricity. It stalls all of the nearby robots, including Rosenberg due to his using a drone.}
DANE: Life's a bitch, Rosie O'Donnell-berg. It's time we discussed trying to find a suitable end to yours. I've got half a mind to rewrite that will of yours for some good compensation for the favor I'm about to do you! You're already an old fart in a glass jar anyways, I'll just make sure that you don't expire, like any good canned food.
{Stephanie tries to run away but the undead force her back. She runs towards the van, but the Robots are all assembled in a massive pile, save Rosenberg.}
DANE: It's time we get something straight; You're in the way of Mr. D's goals, and I can't have that if I need a steady stream of pay. So we're going to do this simple and take the pay straight from you and then pave over you like an Indian burial ground!
{Dane pulls out a recorder.}
DANE: Man, I haven't used one of these things since fourth grade. How do I...
{Dane uses it wrong before remembering that he needs to hold his thumb on the bottom hole, and then begins to play a somewhat clunky melody. As he does, a fog rolls in and slowly gravitates towards him, slowly getting sucked up into his Recorder before it's all taken in at near gale-force winds. He heads over to the van and simply lets out a deep exhale, to which the gas rolls in and the area is totally obscured. Dane runs through, becoming almost a blur, and grabs up the first figure he can. He finishes off with a body as his undead all shamble away. The smoke clears, revealing the area still to be a massive graveyard of robots. Rosenberg's robot is however still in the crowd, and using as much strength as it can muster with it's broken chassis, it raises itself to examine the area. Stephanie has disappeared with Dane.}
ROSENBERG: Oh no.
{Cut back to the others, who are still looking for civilians to help. In the distance, they spot Mr. and Mrs. Kang, surrounded by approaching undead.}
SIRRUS: Oh crap! Our neighbours are in trouble! We've got to help them!
{They run over to them, but Mr. Kang immediately motions for them to stop.}
MR. KANG: No, no, you should stay back! For safety reasons!
VENTIN: Eh? Are you sure?
MR. KANG: It's fine. We have it under control. Ready, honey?
{Mrs. Kang nods to her husband. Suddenly out of nowhere, the two pull out a sword each.}
MRS. KANG: 당신은 빌어 먹을 썩어,이 걸릴! (Take this, you rotting sons of bitches!!)
{The two go to town on the undead with the swords, slicing and dicing them as they come, like hot knives through butter. One particularly big zombie tries to attack Mr. Kang from behind, but Mrs. Kang quickly maneuvers herself around it and beheads it with one stroke. Mr. Kang then impales its body while its down.}
NICHOLAI: I-I'm impressed. Damn, where did you get those skills? You almost seemed relatively prepared.
{Mr. and Mrs. Kang look at each other as they laugh.}
MR. KANG: Oh, we're just a pair of sword enthusiasts. Nothing more, nothing less.
{Quick photo montage of the two as teenagers in South Korea, facing up against hordes of undead during the Failed Zombie Apocalypse of South Korea, 1969. The last photo is of them kissing passionately as bodies of several undead lie on the field around them.}
OIRACUL: So glad to see that you were able to help yourselves though, nonetheless.
MRS. KANG: 우리는 도움이되는 노력을 주셔서 감사합니다. 그것은 거의 당신이 매주하는 모든 소동을 보충합니다. (We appreciate the effort to help. It almost makes up for all the ruckus you make every week.)
MR. KANG: We will definitely have to send you a little gift once this is over. Again, thank you for you effort.
{The two bow at them, and they bow back. The gang regroups again, this time leaving the area to begin scouting for The Bellucis.}
TRACY: Memory's a little hazy - if you know what I mean - but the fam was trying to snatch up things they couldn't get out of the pad before we vamoosed.
SIRRUS: Well then we ought to go look for something a little...er, family friendly.
REMOLAY: Come to think of it, after Dane took off with those undead everything's been fairly quiet around here, don't you think?
{The gang perks up a little bit and looks around. The undead are gone, and the robots are all still, most of them limp in the upper body.}
CHAOS: What do you think that means?
NOXIGAR: I'd wager a guess that the controlling end of the robots is experiencing technical difficulties.
LEX: Well, aren't these robots supposed to be top of the line? Not much that can cause them to malfunction...
NICHOLAI: Who's responsible for all of these robots? They look like they're causing more trouble than they stopped.
CHAOS: You don't think...
{The gang slowly walks on, giving strange looks to the robots as they walk by. Cut back to Dane, who has made it a significant distance back to D'Arque and takes a break.}
DANE: Oh, man, I'm already crapping the bed. I knew I shouldn't have stopped the Jane Fonda workouts after college.
{Dane looks around for onlookers besides him and his hostage.}
DANE: Oh who am I kidding, I never did them in college either.
{Dane takes his hostage and throws them to the ground. He removes the sack he'd placed over their head, and aims his Recorder at them.}
DANE: Alright, old man, it's time to turn you into tapioca.
{Stephanie is a little bruised and clearly upset.}
DANE: Well? Nothing to say to that?
STEPHANIE: You're an idiot.
DANE: As if you're the first to remind me.
STEPHANIE: No, look - I'm not Rosenberg! I'm clearly a girl!
{Dane gives Stephanie a cross examination. Steph's uniform is fairly similar to Rosenberg's in appearance.}
DANE: You dress like an old business tycoon.
STEPHANIE: With a skirt?
DANE: I heard he was a bit of a fruit, so I suspended my disbelief. That's what us performers gotta do, you know.
{Stephanie shrugs and takes offer Rosenberg Industries blazer. She looks a litle more distinguishable, but still a little unnecessarily proper for a psuedo-secretary.}
DANE: You're kidding me. How the hell do I make a mistake like that?
STEPHANIE: You're lucky you caught me when you did. I was ready to show myself out from that old sack of...{She hesitates} crap!
DANE: No, no, no, we gotta go back for the old man! I'll switch you out and everything, I gotta get the right guy or else the Skeleton Dance is gonna kill me!
STEPHANIE: That wouldn't do you any good, that was just a robot. The real Rosenberg is still safe in his vaccum-packed freezer aisle bacherlor pad.
DANE: Really? {Sighs} How am I supposed to do anything right!
STEPHANIE: Look, I don't have a lot that's particularly enticing to get me to go back to Rosenberg. Bring me to D'Arque anyways, I bet he'll think of something he can do with me.
DANE: Are you saying you want to go to him now? Ugh, I can't do anything right!
{Dane starts beating himself up over it. Stephanie shrugs and takes the rope.}
STEPHANIE: Look, metal-head; There's a lot of guys that would pay to do this to a lady.
DANE: ...I do hate paying for things...
STEPHANIE: Just tie me up and I'll try to talk to D'Arque about doing something useful before I - I don't know - fly home to Grandma's or something. As far as Rosenberg is concerned I'm nothing to him but a business enterprise, or a cheap surrogate.
DANE: Fine, fine, I guess you'll have to do.
{The shot changes to Dane from the waist up. He approaches Steph and with a little cartoony hand waving magic, he uses the rope to tie a knot.}
DANE: There! Now come on, princess, I need to get my daily bread!
{Dane tries to move but falls over. He's evidently tied his legs up and has extreme difficulty moving.}
STEPHANIE: How do you find work?
DANE: I mostly book parties with drunk people that they never host and then capitalize on them anyways.
STEPHANIE: I'll do it.
{Steph unties Dane and Dane helps her get tied up.}
DANE: Alright, let's go!
{Dane leaves towards town, but he forgets to bring Steph along.}
STEPHANIE: Hello!
{Dane turns around.}
DANE: What now?
STEPHANIE: Take me with you, you beer-guzzling starving artist douchebag!
{Dane turns around and picks her off and they start off again. Cut back to the gang, who have found Tracy's house.}
CHAOS: Nice place. Shame it's in a bad part of town.
TRACY: What are you trying to say? This is primo property, what part of town near us is bad?
CHAOS: All of it.
TRACY: Tissue.
NOXIGAR: I think the word you're looking for is 'Touché'.
{Sirrus and Ventin emerge from the building.}
VENTIN: Nope, whoever got here first picked this place clean, for sure.
LEX: Leave it to the gypsies to be able to tell when something's been properly ransacked.
{Remolay has staked a makeshift guard from the rear of the group. As he watches in the distance, he sees a mostly mutilated corpse shambling towards the group. He lets out a heroic warcry that in no way sounds like a shrill scream.}
OIRACUL: I think we ought to expect company.
{The gang turns their guns to face the figure, as it slowly crawls forward.}
??????????: Please...
LEX: Wait, I'd recognize that slightly airy Jay Gatsby fancast voice anywhere!
{Lex drops his gun and runs over to the body. The others follow suit, but maintain their arms.}
LEX: What's wrong?
{The remains of Rosenberg's drone has made it to the group.}
ROSENBERG: D'Arque's manservant came by and swiped up Stephanie. I'm truly worried for her safety. She and I had a falling out, and next thing I know...
CHAOS: What? There's no way she could actually get captured by that oaf, less alone not be able to fight back.
ROSENBERG: No! You don't understand. She's mad at me. I wanted to clean the slate of Townindale. I was a fool and she could see it. She wanted to be rid of me before I could come back to my senses.
LEX: Yeah, being a cancerous popsicle will do that to you.
{Noxigar gives Lex an angered elbow check.}
NOXIGAR: Trust me, Mr. Rosenberg, I've had plenty of time to make a force out of the remains that have been left around here. I'm no Scipio, but this is a finer time than ever to make sure that we really stick it to D'Arque and give him the asylum he's always sought.
CHAOS: I think that's as good an indicator as any that we need to end this. If he really has Stephanie then he's going to try to make you eat out of the palm of his hand. We can't let that happen.
LEX: We'll need to make sure that we can deal with the rampaging undead so that he doesn't get a leg up on this fight.
OIRACUL: I've the feeling that he's not going to aim for that sort of tactic, but it'll be easy to deal with Dane as he's his greatest weakness if he didn't outright abandon him in the middle of a fight.
ROSENBERG: I want this fight to end, for good. I think I need to be able to deal with him in a way that we can guarantee everybody's safety.
CHAOS: Except his?
ROSENBERG: I imagine there'll be more casualties in the way that we can't avoid, but I know that the people of Midway and what you've got left in Townindale will be fine.
NICHOLAI: Oh, please, you're not fooling anybody with that.
VENTIN: Even I can see through it.
CHAOS: What're you, daft? What's wrong with you two?
NICHOLAI: He's clearly leaving something out.
VENTIN: This breezy geezer wants to go out with D'Arque.
{Oiracul turns her head towards the two, anticipating their responses. The rest of the gang looks at the robot, which is on the verge of breaking.}
ROSENBERG: I'm just going to get older and madder, like he has. I've already left a mark on this world. No one man should truly be immortal, but that isn't something he's satisfied with.
CHAOS: If we can't stop you...
LEX: Just make sure that you're comfortable when you go, then.
ROSENBERG: Trust me, I'll take no greater comfort than bringing him down into the grave with me.
NOXIGAR: Then I suggest we find the best way to outmaneuver him just in case, and so we can surround Dane when he inevitably cuts him off.
CHAOS: I'm not sure I can believe this coming to an end just like that.
{Fritz and Lang wheel in to Rosenberg's corpse and begin to cuddle with it, crying tears of oil.}
CHAOS: Aw, I didn't know they could cry!
ROSENBERG: They can't. They're leaking.
TRACY: That's heartwarming and all, but what about my family?
{The rest of the Bellucis pull up in a jeep they salvaged. The gang is clearly able to see them, but Tracy remains oblivious.}
TRACY: Oh man, oh man OH MAN, What if they're all dead?
CHAOS: Tracy...
TRACY: I gotta get away from this place, this filthy evil place.
LEX: Seriously, Tracy, jus-
TRACY: You stay away from me! My family is dead and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life now. I'm a mess! I can't live like some sort of dirty bachelor scum with the neckbeards and the high waistlines who phones in girls and Chinese food and sleeps on a pee-stained couch in some guy's rental! How am I supposed to get by when -
BLING: Trace.
TRACY: Oh god THIS IS A TRAVESTY!
{Tracy begins to break out into tears.}
TRACY: I want my family back!
SARAH: Tracy.
TRACY: Not now, mom. Can't you see I'm in deep emotional trauma!?!
ALBERT: Son!
TRACY: D-Dad?
REMOLAY: {Offscreen} Idiot.
CHAOS: Well, it looks like we've gotten everybody we can.
{Cut to a shot of the minor characters. Khoroushi and Volkow are making out, The Kangs are seated on rocks doing crossword puzzles and drinking tea, and Tracy is curled up in a little ball at the feet of his family, who are both aggravated and relieved.}
LEX: ...Maybe next time think about trying a littler harder in our search efforts.
CHAOS: Oh please, they've proven to us that they're competent enough. It's not like you couldn't blend into this landscape.
NOXIGAR: MURGLE DAMRED CULTI 'AIR NAMBLEEZ BE KEEPIN' MY WEE MEN!2
{Noxigar's horde of undead pick up and reform around him, as the begin to form strict regiments made to his specifications.}
CHAOS: You heard the man! Ready for war!
{The minor characters cheer and pick up sordid weapons, but the rest of the still fresh housemates look confused.}
NICHOLAI: ...That made no sense.
REMOLAY: Did you hear what he said?
VENTIN: Whatever.
SIRRUS: Come on, guys. Don't be so damn glum! This is our chance to take back the town!
{The principal members of the household huddle together and put their hands in for a team salute. Afterwards, they return to the Rosenberg drone.}
CHAOS: You ready, old timer?
ROSENBERG: I should hope so, Abraxas.
LEX: We're gonna miss you, you magnificent sub-zero bastard.
NOXIGAR: I was never good with formalities, but it was a pleasure to be able to witness your empire. I only hope to be able to match your untold scientific progress.
{Rosenberg gives them a salute.}
ROSENBERG: Thank you for your help. Please, keep Steph safe for me. And fight on, you magnificent Wikihood.
{With that, the robot is shut down on Rosenberg's end before it falls limp to the ground. The gang turns to face their forces and raise their weapons, which everyone does in concert. Cut to Rosenberg's lab, where Rosenberg's chamber begins to glow red, as messages, sirens, and warnings are fired off, the tank slowly turns to water, which then begins to drain out as it melts. The doors on the machine begin to rumble and then slide open, as a torrent of steam exits, and from within, Rosenberg himself hobbles out of the chamber, with a determined look on his face.}
END
1. I don't know if Noxigar would be a legitimately good rapper, but I do know that like me, he is a wordsmith.
2. Someone in Wikihood has to be like Old Man Henderson. Might as well give Noxigar an episode where he trains to be a hockey player and figure skater.
