Ben and Alex visit The United States of America/Florida

Ben and Alex ride the flow in Florida!

Transcript

{Ben and Alex touch down in the Miami airport. Funky 1980s synth is-..}

BEN: No.

ALEX: What are you talking about Ben?

BEN: No funky 80s synth, Alex. You promised me you wouldn't pull this 80s bullshit, you weren't even alive in the fucking 80s!

ALEX: But-..

BEN: NO BUTS ALEX, ONLY BUTTZ. NO 80S SHIT EITHER.

{Ben and Alex touch down in the Miami airport. The two emerge from the airport into the sunny streets of Miami in slow motion with Flo Rida's "Low" playing in the background. They're both wearing hawaiian shirts with white shorts and highly expensive rayban sunglasses.}

ALEX: FLORIDA. The sunny state of America. Home to excruciating heat, crazy meth heads, crappy laws, theme parks everywhere, rogue alligators, and rich white retirees who tend to be super rude. Isn't this the life, Ben?

{Alex turns around to see that Ben has already been eaten by an alligator.}

ALEX: Oh for fuck's

{Cut to the streets of Miami. Ben has been taped back together with scotch tape.}

BEN: alex im not liking florida already :(

ALEX: Eh, you'll be fine. You're made of SCOTCH tape! The finest of all tapes! Especially better than that there wankerin' arse English tape.

BEN: They don't even make English tape? I mean there's Duck Tape-

ALEX: That's what I meant, Dutch tape! I hate the Dutch. It's in my Scottish genes too.

BEN: i thought you just like scotch tape because you thought they made it with actual scotch

ALEX: {now visibly drunk, bottle of scrumpy in hand} yyyyya wanna fite, m8? ill fucking slap u up m8, swear on my tesco, u fucken lil cunt m8

{A passerby passes by}

PASSERBY: Excuuuuuse me, you did not just use the See You Next Tuesday word?

ALEX: KISS MY SWEATY BALLS, YA FAT FUCK!!!!

{Alex runs away, while Ben chases after him.}

BEN: alex that wasn't very nice

ALEX: neither are your cats, they're a bunch of f-..

BEN: fantastic creatures and don't you forget it!!!

{Alex bumps into a drug dealer.}

DRUG DEALER: hey bros do you want to do some meth

ALEX: What? That's a preposterous notion. Of course not.

BEN: Alex, what are you talking about? We can finally be Breaking Bad!

{Ben turns to the drug dealer.}

BEN: We'll buy 70 meth, please!!

{Ben pays the dealer and then gives some meth to Alex.}

BEN: okay so how do i do this

ALEX: Ben this isn't a good idea

BEN: Listen here, we have to adapt to the culture of the place we're staying or else it would be rude! So again, HOW DO WE DO THIS

ALEX: You... smoke it?

BEN: Inject it? Snort it? Stick it up my bumcrack?

ALEX: Yes, Ben. you stick the meth up your bumcrack

BEN: dont mind if i do!!!!

{Ben shoves the entire baggie of meth up his butt. His pupils dilate and his mouth starts foaming.}

ALEX: ben are u ok

{Ben's mouth foams even further}

ALEX: ben???

BEN: ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

{Ben then proceeds to go on a rabid face biting rampage, making local news headlines while doing so. The screen goes dark, and a red symbol reads "REC" in the corner. It is clear the perspective is now being shown through a handheld camera, in cinema verite style. The screen's night vision function activates, and we see Alex's face illuminated.}

ALEX: So...it's been three days. I'm still being stalked. There is nowhere to go. All I can do is try unravel this mystery.

{Alex turns off the night vision function, as the room he's in illuminates with neon colours: it's still mostly dark. He turns the camera away from his face, pointing it at a giant pair of sideburns.}

ALEX: Tom? You okay buddy?

TOM (the sideburns): I don't know why you're making me fucking do this.

{Tom launches into a coughing fit as the audio distorts and the screen tears. Screaming is heard as Tom collapses}

ALEX: Shit! Tom! Fuck!

{The distortion grows. Alex wildly flails the camera, and tries to give Tom the kiss of life. Tom is a pair of sideburns}

ALEX: Shit! Someone-

{The audio is ineligible. The camera flails again, and we see a glimpse of reflective eyes. Alex points the camera at Tom, then again at the eyes. The eyes are Ben's. Ben is much closer and the picture fails. Several seconds pass in darkness. Eventually we see again, through the camera lens, Tom on the floor - his sideburns are damaged, ben is holding a razor to them.}

BEN: COME ON, ALEX, PICK ONE!

ALEX: I CAN'T! I'M NO GOOD WITH DESICIONS!

BEN: EITHER YOU PICK A SIDEBURN, OR BOTH OF YOU FUCKING DIE, ALONG WITH THE REST OF THIS MISERABLE STATE.

{Alex starts crying as Tom coughs again.}

ALEX: I...I...

{An epiphany}

ALEX: I'm in Florida...I can't make a desicion...there's only one man whose advice I can rely on!

{Alex pulls out his phone and dials a number. It rings, then picks up. The voice on the other end responds as such.}

VOICE: Hello, this is George W. Bush speaking, how can I help you?