Zarel Emails/40

Zarel E-Mail #40

Zarel changes things in the 'verse.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner, Marzipan, Fang

Places: The Roomy-Vac, The Stone Bridge, The Field

Transcript

ZAREL: {sings} An email's ashes burn red...because I might be a pyromaniac...

subj: Reality Bending

Dear Mr. Lewis
We here at the Scientific Polling Institute of the Free Country, USA have been sending this question to many people to see the results.
If you could change anything in the universe, what would it be, and why?
From the SPIotFCUSA, Dr. Carl DeGrasse Dawkins.

{he says "the blibbledy-blabble-dee-boo" instead of "the Free Country USA" and says the anagram as "Spee-ot-fee-coo-sa"}

ZAREL: {typing} Wow, that was a really complicated question. You could've just asked me; "If you could change the world what would you change?" You didn't have to go into all this science-y mumble jumble. And why are you using all these fancy acronyms? Not like I understand any sorts of college-level vocabularies. {clears screen} Now I know about twenty emails ago I was asked if I could change the town. That's just modifying the people's futures in life. But being able to change the physics and stuff of the whole world? That's another thing! Let's see here.

{Cut to the Stone Bridge}

ZAREL: {offscreen} First off, the very rivers themselves, would run brown with root beer. {The water turns brown and a large pipe appears pouring the root beer in the river} Or better yet, Chocolate Cream Pie flavored Faygo. {the water turns a slightly different shade of brown} While it might not look appetizing, at least the water would have a nice smell to it.

{Cut back to the Roomy-Vac}

ZAREL: {typing} Now, besides Faygo rivers, there's gotta be some other things I could do to the world. Come on...creative juices...Huh. Nope, all drained. That's really all I could come up with.

{The Paper comes down}

ZAREL: Wait, no no no! I gotta think of something else! It's not time to end the email yet! Uh...

{Cut to the Field, Strong Bad and The Cheat are standing there talking}

ZAREL: {offscreen} What if the grass was...The Cheat fur?

STRONG BAD: No no no, you've got it all wrong. We have to egg the King of Town before we egg-

{the grass turns yellow, fluffy, and spotted}

STRONG BAD: His castle? Woah! The Cheat, are we standing on your hot mom?

THE CHEAT: {shrugs, making Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: This is cool! I need to get me some of this fur so we can have the ultimate camoflauge and...wait a sec...The Cheat, where'd you go?!

THE CHEAT: {groans, still standing in front of him}

ZAREL: {offscreen} I mean, that'd make the grass really comfy to lie on. Let's see...and the skies would be...bright pinkish red, {The skies turn red} so that it's sunset almost all the time.

{Cut to Homestar and Marzipan at one of the Faygo rivers from before, Homestar has a cardboard box and a sailor's hat on}

HOMESTAR: Oh man! Today's the day I start my new quest as a ship man! Marzipan, would you be my lovely wench?

MARZIPAN: Homestar, that box might not even be sturdy enough to hold even you. Also, don't you know the old phrase? Isn't it morning?

HOMESTAR: I know I know, "red sky at morning, Jason goes Bourne-ing." Now I shove off! Yah yo!

{Homestar drops the box in the river and cannonballs into it. As soon as it resurfaces it begins to sink again}

HOMESTAR: Oh nooooo! Now I'll never find the golden chocolate coin treasure! Farewell, cruel world! {as soon as the water reaches about chin height, Homestar's speech gets a bit gurgly} Oh hey, this water doesn't taste half bad! {gurgles those last words as he sinks}

MARZIPAN: I'll go get the fishing rod and the marshmallows.

{She walks away. Homestar pops back up}

HOMESTAR: Don't forget the jigs! {starts singing} A-come on, and get in the boat...

{Cut back to the Roomy-Vac}

ZAREL: {typing} That's all I got for you, Science Nye the Bill Guy. I know it's kind of boring that I didn't wish for killer robots or awesome creatures, but you should probably ask that same question to Strong Bad and he might give you the more interesting answers. However, I kinda dig the Faygo river idea. I dig it so much I bought a six-pack of the stuff, and I'm about to start changing the world right now!

{Zarel leaves. Cut to the river again, where Zarel is pouring the Faygo into the river.}

{Fang walks in}

FANG: What are you doing, Zarel? That's a waste of good soda.

ZAREL: What do you know? Soon, the rivers will be flowing with the stuff!

FANG: {sighs} Keep telling yourself that...

{The Paper}

{after ten seconds}

ZAREL: Woah. This soda never seems to end. Homestar was right.

{after five more seconds}

ZAREL: {singing} Neverending soooooda...repeated joke, repeated joke, repeated joke...

{after ten more seconds the soda runs out}

ZAREL: Aw.

FANG: Still, that was pretty impressive amounts for such small bottles.

ZAREL: Agreed.

Trivia

• Yes, Chocolate Cream Pie flavored Faygo exists.
• The email song at the beginning is a take on the song "Your Universe" from Homestuck album "coloUrs and mayhem: Universe A". The email is also titled "your universe" and Faygo is a brand of soda made popular by Homestuck. I guess you could call this the "obligatory Homestuck reference" email.
• Homestar makes nods to Jason Bourne, the protagonist of the "Bourne" movies, and the infamous 4Kids opening to One Piece.
• There's callbacks to two Strong Bad Emails, "lures and jigs" and "anything".