RiffText/Green Grass and High Tides Forever!/Batman

Everything is dead, it's

BROWN DIRT AND DRY TIDES FOREVER

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{Open: An apocalyptic wasteland. Further observation reveals the wasteland to be the remnants of YTPLand, now completely destroyed, as if by centuries of decay.

LIGHTNING GUY: I like it better this way.

In the middle of the wasteland is The Dalek, partially buried in the ground. His eyepiece starts blinking slowly, before properly turning on.}

DALEK: Good morning world! Hope you feel as happy and refreshed as I do!

LIGHTNING GUY: I did before you turned on.

{The Dalek takes a couple of seconds to scan his surroundings, realizing that this is not the bright and happy land that he once knew.}

DALEK: Oh, bollocks. The one day I don't feel like a worthless piece of crap also happens to be the one day where the world has ended. Bloody great, that is.

LIGHTNING GUY: Did the centuries of decay make Dalek even more British?

{The Dalek looks down to see that he's embedded into the ground.}

DALEK: And I'm stuck in the ground. I don't feel so great all of the sudden. I need to get out of here and find out what exactly has happened.

{The Dalek aims his lasers at the ground. They glow bright blue at first, taking a couple of seconds to charge up before vaporizing the ground around him. His hover function activates, thrusting him into the air.}

DALEK: I'm glad that I was able to get that hover upgrade installed. Who knows what would've happened if I hadn't, eh?

LIGHTNING GUY: And now he's gone from British to Canadian all in the span of a minute.

{Suddenly, Emerl pops out of the ground, stretching. Gemerl follows suit.}

EMERL: Man, that was a hella-good nap. Wait, what happened out here?

GEMERL: It looks like it rained acid and snowed fireballs.

LIGHTNING GUY: That actually happened once when Mr. Cloud ate really spicy Mexican food.

DALEK: Ooh. It looks as if I'm not the only one who's still around. I never thought that I would say it, but I'm actually glad to see you guys. This means that I won't die alone and insane.

GEMERL: Oh yes you will. You may not ever realize it, but being the machinations of some unloving, unsympathetic man-beast of a person trying to play god is it's own infinite torture and that in following through with it you have completed the cycle of self-loathing and masochism of the brain by treating it as a "gift". If you ever really made this discovery, you would realize how pointless your own life is and inversely try to end the lives of everything else around you, where you dramatically then end yourself but never leave this material world because you're an abomination not worthy of any kind of spiritual transcendence.

{Lightning Guy is heard snoring.}

EMERL: ...You're just a constant downer, huh?

DALEK: And with that, you managed to lose all the respect I had just gained for you in the last couple of seconds.

GEMERL: Oh, just shut up and help us look look for more people. What happened to the Cybermen? Or C3-PO and R2?

DALEK: That's not the question you should be asking right now.

GEMERL: Is it not? What is it then?

DALEK: Who the hell cares? No, seriously. Why should we bother caring for them, anyway?

EMERL: OH-HOH, SUH-NAP!

LIGHTNING GUY: {wakes up} Oh, this is still going on.

DALEK: Well, it's true! They're both nothing but overrated symbols of an overplayed sci-fi series!

GEMERL: You're saying that like you're no exception. Aren't you the exact same?

LIGHTNING GUY: Calling the robots of Doctor Who the same thing as the robots in Star Wars is a surefire way to get murdered by the sci-fi community.

DALEK: Yeah, but-...

GEMERL: That's what I thought.

EMERL: OH, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE, OR WAS THAT JUST THE BURN I JUST HEARD?

LIGHTNING GUY: No, it's the acid rain and snowing fireballs.

DALEK: Shut up, Emerl.

GEMERL: Hmph. I have no ambition to let them live anyway, just to find them and see if they're still active.

LIGHTNING GUY: Active? Active in what? Screaming old YTP jokes at each other?

DALEK: ...Fine. Let's go.

{The gang set off to the horizon, in order to find their allies.}

{Cut to Bowser's castle. The gang has arrived here after travelling for a while.

LIGHTNING GUY: They traveled so long that they had to put in an extra "l".

The castle has been reduced to rubble, with a huge crater standing where it once was.}

GEMERL: So here we are. Bowser's castle.

DALEK: What's left of it, you mean?

GEMERL: Well, yes... You know what I mean!

LIGHTNING GUY: Someone didn't drink enough oil this morning.

EMERL: This is Bowser's castle? I remember it being much bigger than that. And I don't remember it being in the middle of a giant crater, either!

GEMERL: That's because it's been destroyed, you moron. Dalek? See if you can scan the area, see what's happened to it.

DALEK: Why can't you do it?

LIGHTNING GUY: "But I don't wanna scan the area today! Waaah!"

GEMERL: Because I don't have scanning capabilities, you idiot. Just do it.

DALEK: Fine then. You stupid tin can...

LIGHTNING GUY: You're all stupid tin cans.

{The Dalek moves toward the crater, scanning the area and everything around it. He carries on with this, until he reaches the centre of the crater. He stops, and turns to face Gemerl and Emerl.}

GEMERL: What is it?

DALEK: Holy shit.

LIGHTNING GUY: DRAMATIC S-BOMB

The radiation levels around this area... It's off the charts!

GEMERL: Radiation, really? I wonder why that is... Do you notice anything that area? Anything unusual, perhaps?

LIGHTNING GUY: Is the off-the-chart radiation he just mentioned not unusual?

{The Dalek does a thorough scan of the tiny area, and he locks on to an object that's underground. He blasts the soil that's covering it, revealing it to be the casing of an atomic bomb.}

DALEK: Oh my god. You two have to come here, quick. I think I've just found the reasoning for our whole problem.

{Gemerl and Emerl rush to the crater to observe the bomb casing. They look at each other, and then to The Dalek.}

EMERL: Gemerl, what's that?

LIGHTNING GUY: It's obviously a sunken submarine.

GEMERL It's the reason why this place has become such a shithole all of a sudden. Well.. more of one.

DALEK: So, if what I'm thinking about is correct, we're currently standing in the middle of ground zero?

GEMERL: It looks like it. My question is though, what exactly could have caused this? Why would anybody hate this place so much, that they felt that they had to nuke it to oblivion?

LIGHTNING GUY: I could think of dozens of reasons off the top of my head.

DALEK: I don't know, but I kinda like it. Always had a thing for the apocalypse. I just never thought that I would be around to see it happen.

GEMERL: You make a good statement.

LIGHTNING GUY: This is the first time Gemerl actually sounds like a robot.

I'm actually quite fond of it too. No more civilization, no more governments, no more anything. In fact, I think I prefer this place now than I used to! This is a place I can finally get behind!

EMERL: Well, I think it stinks! I preferred the old YTPLand! Where it was bright, and colorful, and everybody was happy!

LIGHTNING GUY: I'll happily refute that last sentence.

Plus, what about our friends? Kano, Jeran, Chaos, Sephiroth?

GEMERL: What about them?

DALEK: Did you just say friends?

LIGHTNING GUY: I'm just as surprised as you are.

EMERL: Yeah! What do you think happened to them?

GEMERL: Well, they're all dead, obviously. Nobody could survive a nuclear holocaust. The likelihood of them living is about the same as Dalek getting a girlfriend.

LIGHTNING GUY: Girlfriends are so hard to find in apocalyptic wastelands.

DALEK: They may not have died! They may have just been mutated instead! What then?

GEMERL: In that case, they're not so much dead on the outside as they are dead on the inside.

LIGHTNING GUY: Thank you, Mr. Psychologemerl.

Either way, looking for them would be a lost cause more than anything, so I think it would be for the best if we just stuck to our original plan of finding our robot friends, and finding out why exactly, we had a bomb dropped on us in the first place.

DALEK: I suppose.

GEMERL: I may be many things. A murderous psychopath with no sense of morality is one of them.

LIGHTNING GUY: A one-note character who really likes to hear himself talk is another.

But damn it, I know a good plan when I see one, and I just have to say that this might be my best one.

EMERL: But what if we don't find anyone? What if we really are alone in this wasteland?

GEMERL: I would advise you not to worry if that's case.

LIGHTNING GUY: If that isn't case, though...

After all, we're all highly intelligent robotic beings, aren't we?

{Gemerl glances at The Dalek and Emerl, who are looking at him.}

GEMERL: Well, I am, at the least. But that doesn't matter! With no more people left to populate the world, we would be the ones who would have to take charge! We could rebuild civilization all by ourselves, ruling over the wasteland as the Supreme Robotic Overlords!

LIGHTNING GUY: Yep, he really likes to hear himself talk.

DALEK: Even if it's just us three?

GEMERL: Well, yeah.

DALEK: I can't help but notice some flaws with your little plan.

LIGHTNING GUY: Like, the entire plan.

GEMERL: Oh, be quiet! Hmph. Let's just search around to see if we can find any answers, okay?

DALEK: Hmm. Seems fine with me.

EMERL: Do you even have an idea where we're headed, Gemerl?

GEMERL: Well... no. I was kinda hoping for one of you to make a suggestion, so I could disregard it at first, and then claim the idea as my own.

LIGHTNING GUY: At least he's honest.

DALEK: What about Robotnik's laboratory? We could see if the place still exists, and if it does, we could possibly salvage its technology? Hell, there might even be a database.

GEMERL: Nah. Seems silly. ...WAIT! I KNOW!

DALEK: Gee, Gemerl, what ever could it be?

LIGHTNING GUY: You're dripping with sarcasm, Dalek. I love it.

GEMERL: WE HEAD TO ROBOTNIK'S LABORATORY. THE PLACE WAS FULL OF TECHNOLOGY IN ITS TIME, SO IF IT STILL EXISTS, WE COULD SALVAGE SOME OF IT AND USE IT TO HELP US. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT ONE OF THE COMPUTERS MIGHT HAVE A DATABASE THAT WE COULD REFER TO IN ORDER TO FIND THE CAUSE OF THIS HORRIBLE NUKE PROBLEM. WHAT DO YOU SAY, FRIENDS?

LIGHTNING GUY: I USE CAPS LOCK WHEN I SPEAK BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL.

EMERL: Ehhh... I prefer Dalek's plan.

GEMERL: And I think you're a waste of space. Lets go!

{Cut to the exterior of Dr. Robotnik's Laboratory. The building is still intact, but years of decay have made it rusty. The doors to the building are stuck in the open position, and are unable to move. There is also a massive amount of graffiti on the walls, with "HUMANS GET OUT" written in giant red letters.

LIGHTNING GUY: That's not how you do graffiti!

{Lightning Guy sprays "LIGHTNING GUY WUZ HERE" on the screen.}

LIGHTNING GUY: That's how do you graffiti!

The gang arrive at the facility.}

EMERL: Is this Robotnik's laboratory? It's not as shiny as it used to be!

GEMERL: Years of harmful radiation and overall disuse tend to have that effect, Emerl.

LIGHTNING GUY: That's the lesson of the day! Come back next time to learn why ice melts! It'll be a doozy!

DALEK: It looks as if we're not the first here. Look!

{The Dalek points his eyestalk at the graffiti, and shines a light on it.}

EMERL: Humans get out. Welp, it's a good thing we're not human, eh?

LIGHTNING GUY: That's what it's aboot!

GEMERL: If there were people before us, I really hope they haven't taken anything that we need.

DALEK: And what if they have?

GEMERL: We find the sons of bitches, and we tear them a new one.

LIGHTNING GUY: Yeah! Screw negotiation! This is the real world, bitches!

DALEK: Sounds like a good plan to me.

{The gang enter the building together. As soon as they're inside, the doors suddenly close behind them, blocking the light and leaving them all in the dark.}

EMERL: Oh poopie. I don't think this was meant to happen.

LIGHTNING GUY: No, I'm sure they meant to lock themselves in an abandoned laboratory.

GEMERL: Oh, I do. I think we may have just walked into a trap. The way back has just been blocked, so let's just carry onward, do what we have to do, and get the fuck out of here as quick as possible.

DALEK: Right behind ya.

{They carry on through the main corridor, reaching the test room in a matter of minutes. As they open the door, they're greeted by a gang of giant green mutants, hanging around inside the room, casually minding their own business.}

GEMERL: My my. It looks as if we've run into a some "friends".

LIGHTNING GUY: Is everyone a friend to you, Gemerl?

{One of the mutants notices the new arrival, and moves in closer to check them out. He crouches down, and looks straight at Gemerl.}

SUPER MUTANT: Not human. Robot.

LIGHTNING GUY: Not bird. Not plane. SuperMutant.

GEMERL: Well, yes. Um.. Thank you, for stating the obvious.

SUPER MUTANT: This mutant territory. Not robot territory. Not human either. Just mutant. Leave.

GEMERL: I'm afraid that we cannot do that. We have business to attend to here.

LIGHTNING GUY: {singing} Takin' care of business! Every day! Takin' care of business! Every way!

It is you who has to leave, unfortunately.

DALEK: {To Emerl} What the hell is he doing? He is going to get us killed.

SUPER MUTANT: Won't ask again. Deadly force is imminent. Leave.

LIGHTNING GUY: Ooh, imminent! At least the mutants know their vocabulary better than they know their grammar.

GEMERL: Now, you listen here, you overgrown sack of meat!

DALEK: Gemerl, what the hell is wrong with you?

GEMERL: Don't worry, I've handled his kind before.

LIGHTNING GUY: That's racist!

I-..

{Before Gemerl can complete his sentence, the Super Mutant gets mad and punts him across the room. The rest of the Super Mutants start paying attention and rush to help their friend.}

DALEK: That's great, that is.

LIGHTNING GUY: This is boring, this is.

EMERL: Does this mean that we have to fight?

DALEK: I would think so. It's fun to see Gemerl get beat up once in a while, but it's not really the time and place for that, unfortunately.

{The team of Super Mutants grab their weapons (which consist of items such as Miniguns, Laser Cannons, and Shotguns),

LIGHTNING GUY: I totally needed to know what the weapons were.

and aim it at the robots.}

EMERL: I don't wanna die!

{Emerl quickly shoots his laser at one of the mutants. It explodes in a pile of blood and guts.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Well, that's not gratuitous.

DALEK: Eww.

GEMERL: Just shut up and shoot!

{Gemerl, Emerl, and The Dalek all fire their lasers at the individual Super Mutants, killing them all in a magnificent show of gore and violence. As the chaos subsides, the three are left in a room with blood and body parts everywhere.}

LIGHTNING GUY: We have now established that the "writer" of this "episode" is mentally disturbed.

DALEK: That was easier than I expected it to be. In fact, I thought it was rather-

{The Dalek gets hit point-blank by an explosive missile, knocking him over and partly destroying his headpiece. As the dust settles, it is revealed that another Super Mutant has emerged, bigger and tougher than the rest. It is wielding a rocket missile.}

GEMERL: You have got to be kidding me. Another one?

SUPER MUTANT OVERLORD: NOW TRY AND HIDE FROM THIS!

{The Overlord launches another missile, which they all manage to dodge.

LIGHTNING GUY: Boooo

Gemerl fires a laser beam at his head, damaging him, but not completely destroying him like the other mutants. The Overlord charges at Gemerl and picks him up by the head.}

SUPER MUTANT OVERLORD: I WILL WEAR YOUR SCRAP AROUND MY NECK, PUNY ROBOT.

{The Dalek rushes in, and fires a blast at the Overlord's hand. It lets go of Gemerl, and turns to Dalek, only to receive a blast to the leg by Emerl, which cripples his movement.}

EMERL: How do you like that, you big ugly.. ugly thing?

LIGHTNING GUY: Ooh, nice comeback.

SUPER MUTANT OVERLORD: PAIN!!

{The Overlord lets out a terrifying scream, and fires another missle.

LIGHTNING GUY: Good morning, Miss Le!

While it misses Emerl, the splash damage knocks him a couple of meters away. As he falls, Emerl fires another blast at the Overlord, hitting him in the chest. The Overlord staggers for a bit, before falling backwards and dropping the Missile Launcher. Gemerl takes the opportunity to rush in and take the missile launcher before the Overlord regains its composure. The Dalek fires one last blast at the Overlord, which hits it in the eyes and blinds it. Gemerl then aims the cannon at the Overlord and fires, finally killing the Overlord.}

DALEK: Is it over? Please tell me it's over.

LIGHTNING GUY: With Green Grass and High Tides Forever, it's never over.

GEMERL: I think it is. I really hope it is. Let's wait for a second.

{A couple of seconds pass. Silence.}

LIGHTNING GUY: Well, what do you know? It is over!