Zarel Emails/37

Zarel E-Mail #37

Zarel is asked about cereal marshmallows, and ventures to create the most unhealthy cereal possible, with a hip, young, and cool mascot to boot.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Foxx, Strong Sad, Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, Le'Raz

Places: The Roomy-Vac, Marzipan's Kitchen, Blue Showscreen, Price Styles, The Field (Easter egg)

Transcript

ZAREL: {sings} What's your favorite idea?

FOXX: {offscreen} NO!

ZAREL: {sings} Mine is checking my email.

Hello, friend.

Hello, friend.

I just want to ask, if you could make a cereal, what shapes would the marshmallows be in?

From Dave.

ZAREL: {typing} Quite a peculiar question you've got there, Dave. What kinds of cereals do marshmallows anymore? I feel as if the cereal itself needs to hold up on its own, and not just the marshmallows. {clears screen} Nah, I'm just joking, marshmallows are where its at! I mean come on! You ever eat something like those Lucky Charms? {the words "PRODUCT PLACEMENT!" flash on screen} It's not the cereal bits that everyone's after, it's those marshmallows. No Boring Boris in their right mind would eat anything but!

{Cut to Marzipan's Kitchen, Strong Sad has a bowl of cereal before him, ready to eat.}

STRONG SAD: Ooh! A nice healthy bowl of marshmallow-free Cheerios! {the words "PRODUCT PLACEMENT!" flash on screen again} My favorite!

ZAREL: {offscreen} Boooooo-risss.

{Cut back to the Roomy-Vac}

ZAREL: {typing} No, the one thing you have to understand about cereals is that when they feature a secondary edible piece of sugar, you want that and only that. any time a cereal tries to make itself better by introducing stuff like marshmallows, "berries", or puffs of sugar of a different flavor, you're all for that new addition. You want to try it out and you don't want the rest of the primary stuff. It's a shame cereals these days don't do that kind of thing...That's it! Dave, you're a genius! I'll come up with a cereal that's half marshmallows, half sugar-induced comas, half potential diabetes, and all awesome!

{Cut back to Marzipan's Kitchen, commercial-style music begins to play. Strong Bad, wearing a propeller beanie, is there with a box of "Flakey Flakes feat. Marshmallows", a cereal with generic Frosted Flakes-style corn flakes and feet-shaped marshmallows, with a bowl of cereal and a spoon sitting on the table}

STRONG BAD: {dryly} Oh boy. I get to wake up and eat another delicious, nutritious bowl of Flakey Flakes feat. Marshmallows. It's a shame I have to eat all the titular flakey flakes and not the truly delicious feat. marshmallows.

ZAREL: {offscreen, in a mock surfer voice} Well stop the presses!

{Zarel is seen riding in on a skateboard, he's wearing a pair of sunglasses and has flames drawn on his pants using marker. Taped to his shirt is a piece of paper with the words "Coolzor McDragonface" written on it}

STRONG BAD: Wow. It's Coolzor McDragonface, the hippest and happeningest new cereal mascot. What's going on?

ZAREL: Put that "featuring Marshmallows" cereal down, brah, because we've got a better cereal for you! {Zarel takes out a baseball bat and knocks away the other box.} Try this on for size!

{He hands him a box of cereal with Coolzor McDragonface riding a skateboard on it, the cereal reads "Cool Pawfs", and has marshmallows in the shape of Zarel's feet}

STRONG BAD: Wow. A box of Cool Pawfs. The cereal that's all marshmallows and nothing else.

ZAREL: Cool Pawfs are designed to rot your teeth with every bite! You'll be begging for dentures for such delicious flavor! Each box comes with a specially marked prize inside!

{Strong Bad reaches in and pulls out some dentures}

STRONG BAD: Wow, a pair of fake teeth to replace my soon-to-be rotted real ones. Thaaaaaaaanks, Coolzoooooor.

ZAREL: I'm extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemeeeeeee! {rides off playing an air guitar solo}

{Homestar enters from the other side of the screen with dentures in his mouth, making an audible clack while he talks}

HOMESTAR: Hey, Strong Bad, wanna trade your extra dentures for my free defib unit?

STRONG BAD: {normal} Augh! You're creepier with teeth!

{Cut back to the Roomy-Vac}

ZAREL: {typing} Man, with my new cereal, kids will be all over it! They'll be in the supermarkets begging their moms to buy it, and their moms will be all like "no" and stuff, and then they'll boycott my cereal when it starts causing the aforementioned tooth rots and sugar comas! That is, until I introduce...{evil voice}a secondary product...

{Cut to the Blue Showscreen}

ZAREL: {as Coolzor} Hang fourteen, sugar lumps! Are you loving your Sugar Pawfs? Want more? Then have we got a secondary product for you!

{Cut back to the table of Marzipan's kitchen, there's a cereal box on it that looks exactly like the Sugar Pawfs box but instead is purple and has the added "feat. Berries"}

ZAREL: {offscreen} All new, Sugar Pawfs feat. Berries! The berries even look like my feet too! In fact, they're just the "pawfs" with a paint job! With real paint!

{"Not really made with paint" appears on the box}

{Camera static. Cut to Price Styles, Strong Bad and Strong Sad are there, observing the cereals. On the bottom left corner there is text flashing that says "Actual satisfied customers!"}

STRONG SAD: You don't get it! This is just the same cereal with a different colored puff in it!

STRONG BAD: No, you don't get it! And they're called "pawfs!" I'm so gonna nag you to buy this cereal and then eat only the new secondary product and feed the rest to The Cheat!

STRONG SAD: I think the "secondary product" is the primary..."pawf!"

STRONG BAD: {poking at Strong Sad's gut} Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag.

{Cut back to the Roomy-Vac}

ZAREL: {typing} And then once the Feet Berries get popular, we're going to make them their own cereal, with their own mascot to boot!

{Cut to the Blue Showscreen again, this time with Le'Raz instead of Zarel. He's wearing a top hat and has a piece of paper taped to him that says "peaches"}

LE'RAZ: Sling four, everybody! I'm Dr. Peaches and-

{Camera static. Cut back to the Roomy-Vac.}

ZAREL: {continuing his message} And when they make him a mascot, that's when the Sugar Pawf sales go through the floor. No one's gonna want to buy his "Berry Pawfs with Added Sandals." And besides, he's not using "feat."! All the cool guys use "feat.!" Not this "with" crap. Anyway... {singing} Now let's all agree, that Zarel should never make a cereal again.

FOXX: {offscreen} STOP JOKING ABOUT THAT. THAT VIDEO IS MESSED UP!

{The Paper}

Easter Eggs

• Click on "Berry Pawfs with Added Sandals" to see an extra scene. (Easter Egg 1)
• Click on "never" to see an extra scene. (Easter Egg 2)
• Click on "cereal" for one more extra bit. (Easter Egg 3)

Easter Egg 1 Transcript

{Cut to Marzipan's Kitchen. Strong Bad has a bowl of Le'Raz's cereal and is wearing the beanie cap from before.}

STRONG BAD: {dryly} Oh, boy. Time to dig into this cereal amazement. {eats a bit of it} Chew. Chew. Chew. {collapses onto the table}

Easter Egg 2 Transcript

{Cut to The Field, Homestar is dancing around with a bowl of noodles on his head. Noodles dangle over his face. Foxx walks in}

FOXX: Homestar, why do you have noodles on your head?

HOMESTAR: Oh? This is my hair!

FOXX: Hair?

HOMESTAR: Yeah! I use my hair to express myself!

{The words echo. Zoom into Foxx's face as his expression turns into one of horror. Quick zoom back to normal and Foxx runs off crying}

Easter Egg 3 Transcript

ZAREL: {adding onto the email} Buy Cocoa Puffs. {the words "PRODUCT PLACEMENT!" flash on screen again}

Trivia

• Zarel, as well as Homestar in the Easter egg, both make references to a video called "Don't Hug Me, I'm Scared." Precautions should be taken with this video, as it does get pretty messed up later on.
  • As you can tell, Foxx was not a big fan.