Zarel Emails/4

This email has been re-written as of 2014. To view the original, click here.

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Zarel E-Mail #4

Zarel is asked to find a cave and explore it.

Cast (in order of appearance): Zarel, Strong Bad, Coach Z, The Cheat, Homsar, Strong Mad

Places: Zarel's House, Strong Mad's Room (exterior), The Field

Transcript

{Cut to Zarel's Room}

ZAREL: This episode of Zarel E-Mail is brought to you by Auntie Grem's Salty Cheese Puffs. {holds up back of said namesake} Auntie Grem's; Because heart attacks are a priority!

subj: spelunk

Dear Zarel;
Go find a cave and go into the cave and find treasure.

- Zippy P.

ZAREL: {typing} Hey, Zippy, it wouldn't kill you to say please, y'know. But you're a first timer, so I'll give you a chance to learn your manners. {clears screen} So...you want me to go spelunking, do ya? {pronounces it "Spell-unk-ing"} Problem is there's a galactically small chance of there being any caves here. The only thing in this area that comes closest to a cave in here is-

{Cut to a shot of the outside of Strong Mad's room, the door is shut, and green fumes emit from the doorway}

ZAREL: {voiceover} Strong Mad's room, which has a stench of botanically uncanny levels of mass smellitude. You'd either have to have the mindset of a crazy person, Stormtrooper, or just someone who has given up all hope of attracting the opposite gender.

STRONG MAD: {inside} IT SMELLS LIKE MY MOM'S COOKING!

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} Woah. Something sounding that dangerous is not a job to do alone. I'm going to need to call upon the best spee-lunkers we have here! {hops out of chair} Huzzah!

{Cut to the field. Zarel is wearing a bucket on his head and holding a baseball bat}

ZAREL: Alright, you dirt-crawling, legless slimy things! We are about to venture into the deepest, dankest, Danke-est cave ever seen 'round these parts! Gentlemen, do you have what it takes?

{Cut to a shot of Strong Bad, Coach Z, and Homsar standing in a line, Strong Bad is wearing a hard hat and wielding a lead pipe, Coach Z has no weapon, but is donning a yellow checkered fedora, The Cheat is wearing a boot on his head, and Homsar is wearing a shower cap and wielding a wet towel}

COACH Z: Alright, I'm going to give you five seconds to tell me what I'm doing here. I don't even want to go in there! It reeks!

ZAREL: Oh, you’re one to talk, Coach. Ever wonder why we never hit up the locker room anymore?

COACH Z: Oh, orrr, I think I hear my mam callin’! Yes, mam! I’ll be over in a second! {Coach Z darts offscreen}

STRONG BAD: For once, Coach Z has a valid point, and I know my brother more than anyone here because I do. Strong Mad's room isn't called "Rotten Egglund" for kicks, you know. I've...shudder shudder...been in there...shudder...jibblie.

THE CHEAT: Mehmehmeh meda meh?

STRONG BAD: Do I want to go to the King of Town’s castle and egg-whatsit him? Crap to the yes. Let's ditch this Pop Rocks stand.

ZAREL: What? You're going to a castle with a guy shoveling crap outside and you call it not smelly?

STRONG BAD: Oh, dragon-man. Trust me, I'd rather be bathing in whatsit than bathing in Egglund stench.

THE CHEAT: Meeh.

{They walk away}

ZAREL: {leaning back} Ew...who’d even say that sarcastically? Anyway, you're my only brave man left! Let us journey on!

HOMSAR: DaaaaaAAAAaaahm sorry, Falcor, but my stands are baby-soft. {tosses towel in the air and it lands on his head, walks away}

ZAREL: Well...fine then! Forget all y'alls! I'm gonna go check this out on my own, and you'll all be jealous when I discover buried hot chicks and make out with all the treasure in there! {to self} To be honest, with a stench like that they could've mutated to acid-spitting monsters...Oh well, they're still girls.

{Cut to the exterior of Strong Mad's room, Zarel, still armed and equipped, approaches the door}

ZAREL: Okay...here goes everything... {opens the door and walks in}

{the screen fades out to black}

ZAREL: {voice only} Hello? Anyone in here? {footsteps are heard} Acid-spitting babe? Who's there? {footsteps get louder and faster} Who's that?!

STRONG MAD: RAAAAAAAH!

ZAREL: Eep.

{Cut back to Zarel's room}

STRONG MAD: {offscreen} STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!

{Zarel crashes through the window, as if thrown. He lands on the ground, covered in bumps and bruises}

{Cut back to the Cappy}

ZAREL: {typing} Urgh...I think my...ribula is...broke. Zippy...you owe me a medical bill...and a gas mask...and maybe some gauze. Please, please bring some gauze. Urg... {falls over}

{The Paper}

Easter Eggs

• Click on Zarel when he says "Danke-est" to bring up a card for "Der Pooher's Toilet Cleaning: We Get Even the Danke-est of Smells Out!"
• Click on "ribula" for a scene.

Easter Egg Transcript

{cut to a Table, where a bag of Auntie Grem's Salty Cheese Puffs sits.}

ANNOUNCER: Auntie Grem's Salty Cheese Puffs! Because heart attacks are a priority! {quietly and quickly} Now fudge-dipped!

{Hot fudge covers the bag}

Trivia

• Danke is a German word meaning "Thank you." "Der Pooher" is a play on "Der Führer", a term Adolf Hitler was called, and the word "poop."
• "Ribula" is a portmanteu of "fibula" and "rib."
• Zarel talks about how the hot girls he believes lurk in Strong Mad's room have muted into "acid-spitting monsters." This is a hint toward Spitters, one of the Special Infected found in the Valve game, Left 4 Dead 2.
• Falcor is the name of the dragon in The Neverending Story.