(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/12
JCM runs for student body president.
Movie
{The opening theme starts, as usual, but then, signs come onscreen saying "BLUEBRY 4 PREZ" while JCM does the robot. JCM looks around surprised and steps to the right as the robot falls and crashes through the ground.}
STUDENTS: {offscreen} We want change! And we want it low in fat!
{Namine stares blankly at this line, trying to make sense of it.}
{Namine shakes her head in dismay}
JCM: What on Earth?
{JCM jumps into the robot's hole and finds himself in front of the school student school.}
JCM: Is this some kind of a special?
{JCM turns to find students walking down the street with signs saying "BLUEBRY 4 PREZ", "Bluebry as a president", and "{censored} YEAH!".}
JCM: Is this some kind of new fad?
ROBOT: {offscreen} DOES THIS MEAN MY DANCE IS OBSOLETE?
{Zoom out to show JCM standing on the robot.}
JCM: Uh, maybe?
{The robot's eyes turn red and it gets up, causing JCM to fall onto the ground.}
ROBOT: I WILL DESTROY ANYONE THAT MAKES MY DANCE OBSOLETE.
NAMINE: This scene would be marginally funnier if JCM were standing on a Dalek instead.
NAMINE: Because Dr. Who?
NOXIGAR: You've watched Dr. Who, but I haven't.
{The robot's eyes shoots lasers at all of the signs, causing them to disappear. Chaos walks to JCM angrily.}
CHAOS: You owe us $5 for those signs!
JCM: What are you doing, anyway?
NAMINE: Good question. What is Chaos doing here?
CHAOS: Haven't you heard? We nominated Bluebry for student body president! He's going to win, as usual, since there's no competitors, but we just like making ads.
NAMINE: Something about this doesn't make sense...
JCM: Student body president?
{Zoom in to JCM's eyes. They contain him waving to everyone on top of a moving limo. Suddenly, he hits a branch and falls off the limo. Zoom back out.}
JCM: How come my fantasies never end well? But, that doesn't matter. I'm going against Bluebry in the elections!
NOXIGAR: YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH GO JCM!
NAMINE: Okay we get it, you don't like the Choom Gang. Anyway, can you go pick Max and Roxanne up?
{Noxigar leaves}
NOXIGAR: Who are they again?
NAMINE: Goofy's son and said son's significant other. I'm also just looking for an excuse to write you out of these riffs.
NOXIGAR: I forgot you were friends with 'em. Gotcha, I'll split.
{Gasps are heard. Students start talking in disbelief.}
JCM: That's right! Last year is going to be the last year that we are ruled by a muffin! I am going to stand up against that rotten pastry!
{Bluebry jumps out of the school.}
BLUEBRY: OK, JCM. For one thing, muffins don't rot. They get stale. Which I am not. I clean daily.
{Bluebry throws a blueberry in JCM's mouth.}
JCM: Darn! It's delicious!
BLUEBRY: Another thing, you can't possibly be going against me for student body president. Go run for something less important, like treasurer.
NAMINE: Because that's totally the way Bluebry would talk.
JCM: No way! We are not going to be ruled by food anymore! Who's with me?!
{The students cheer.}
JCM: Who will vote for JCM for 2008?!
{The entire place is silent. A cricket chirps. Zoom in to the cricket. He is holding a miniature sign saying "JCM FOR PREZ".}
CRICKET: Woohoo!
{Zoom back out. JCM clears his throat.}
JCM: Well, how can Bluebry lose if I don't win?
ZOO977: Easy. We'll just run against both of you.
NAMINE: And another rhetorical question is sufficiently answered.
NAMINE: Kind of ruining the entire point of the rhetorical question to begin with.
{The student cheer. Zoom in to the cricket. It throws the sign behind his shoulder.}
CRICKET: Yeah! Screw JCM!
{Zoom back out. JCM looks at everyone dryly.}
JCM: You guys are going to go against your own friends? I'm going to see ugliness in this.
CHWOKA: JCM, this could not possibly become uglier than you.
JCM: Anything is possible, Chwoka!
{JCM touches Chwoka on the nose and he grabs his arm.}
CHWOKA: Touch me again and I will tear your arms off.
JCM: {scared} Yes sir.
{Chwoka lets go of JCM arm and Super Sam walks out of the school.}
NAMINE: This entire scene couldn't have been written any worse... could it?
SUPER SAM: Crikey, why are all of you out here? Get back in immediately.
{All of the students run back into the school except JCM.}
SUPER SAM: Didn't you hear me, JCM?
JCM: Sam, I need to talk to you. Man to man.
SUPER SAM: ...Where's the other man?
NAMINE: You were better off with gratuitous Latin, saying "mano a mano" instead.
JCM: It's you, silly!
SUPER SAM: {facepalms} Just get on with it.
JCM: Everyone is going to turn against each other because of some stupid election. You have to stop them!
SUPER SAM: No thanks. As long as no one gets hurt, I don't care.
JCM: Fine then! But when this gets out of hand, it will be you to blame!
{JCM walks into the school.}
JCM: {offscreen} Oh my gosh!
{Super Sam runs into the school
NAMINE: Because of Super Sam's rate of velocity, he breaks his ribs upon collision with one of the school's walls. He is then sent to a hospital, with JCM overlooking the very beginning of Super Sam being sent to said hospital. A single tear rolls down JCM's cheek.}
.}
{Cut to a view of the hallway. It has ads all and holes over the walls, boxes on the ground, and a banner at the top saying "School Student Presidential Elections".}
NAMINE: Probably just a nitpick, but you could've said this in the same set of {} brackets as the previous thing.
SUPER SAM: What is going on?
CHAOS: Well, presidential elections need ads, boxes to say speeches and platforms on, and extra rooms to reveal parties, do debates, and, of course, vote!
NAMINE: Chaos wouldn't be doing this if he were properly in-character. Mostly because he doesn't actually care about Bluebry. Or Chwoka. Or their respective clique.
JCM: See? It went too far already!
SUPER SAM: No, it's OK. Just get rid of all this by November or else I will tear the whole school down.
{JCM breaks into body parts.}
JCM'S HEAD: I should have you people charged for assault.
{SkullBuggy drives by with some ads on his back.}
SKULLB: Skully, 08!
NAMINE: This... wouldn't happen. Or, if it did, it would be played as a joke since Bluebry and Skullbuggy are on the same side.
{JCM's body parts bounce offscreen.}
{Cut to JCM's House. JCM is standing in the middle of a bunch of paper, pencils, scissors, and tape.}
JCM: I'll teach those guys to mess with me! I'll make the greatest and most perfect ad ever! Even if it takes for-ever! If forever is by next month.
{JCM picks up a pencil and starts drawing until it runs out of lead. He takes out a camera and takes a picture of himself. He tapes the picture to the paper and draws on it with another pencil. He wipes off some sweat.}
JCM: Done!
{Cut to a view of the paper. It has a picture of JCM standing in front of the white house. On him are the words "JCM FOR PREZ".}
JCM: Yes! This is perfect! Now, time for some copying!
NAMINE: This conflict is so incredibly one-sided it was pointed out from the very jump.
NAMINE: WHY DOES NOXIGAR LIKE THIS?
{JCM runs to the copy machine. He puts his ad in it and turns it on. It shakes for a moment then spit the picture out and coughs.}
JCM: It's that bad? Oh, come on! Man up!
{JCM starts to shove the ad back into the copy machine but then it turns around, blocking his way.}
JCM: Gah! Fine, I'll do it myself.
{JCM walks out of the room angrily and the copy machine turns back around.}
{Cut to the student school. JCM crawls tiredly inside with rolled up ads in his pant's back pocket and his face on the ground. Badstar watches him.}
BADSTAR: Oh my gosh, JCM, did you get enough sleep?
JCM: {muffled} Shut up.
NAMINE: Uh, if nobody cares about JCM's attempt to be president,
NAMINE: exactly WHY is Badstar showing concern over it? Much less asking a stupid question about it?
{JCM gets up and takes some tape out of his shirt pocket. He gets out his ads and runs all over the school taping ads on all of the walls.}
JCM: There, done. Now, everyone will know to vote for me!
{Chaos walks onscreen and draws an X on JCM's ad with a marker.}
CHOAS: No!
NAMINE: Chaos, if you're watching this, I owe you a date. A pity date, but still a date.
{Chaos walks offscreen with his marker. JCM sighs.}
{Cut to JCM's house.}
JCM: OK, I can't run for president alone, so I'll have to get a...
{Zoom in to JCM's face.}
JCM: Vice president! And I know just who to get!
{Cut to an alleyway. JCM walks down it with a trench coat on. He sees something and runs toward it.}
JCM: Brown?
{Cut to a view of a small boy who turns around to reveal he is Charlie Brown. JCM smiles.}
{Cut to JCM's house. He walks in with Charlie Brown.}
NAMINE: THIS IS WHAT THE REFRANCE
CHARLIE BROWN: Wait, so you want me to be your VP? For free?
JCM: Well, I can leave you in that alleyway to starve to death.
CHARLIE BROWN: But, but, I'm a child star.
NAMINE: And-
{Namine sighs}
NAMINE: If there was any milligram of logic in this, I wouldn't be riffing it.
JCM: But, but, I don't care. Now, either help me or help yourself. It's your choice.
{Charlie Brown looks at JCM angrily.}
{Cut to the school student school. JCM walks onscreen with Charlie Brown.}
JCM: Have you met my vice prez?
NOID: {shocked} JCM, you teamed up with a comic star?
JCM: Jealous, aren't you?
NOID: No, cause I teamed up with a champion!
{Bluebry hops onscreen.}
BLUEBRY: You vice president seems like a nice guy.
NAMINE: You grammar seems like it's only about 75% accurate.
I'll feel a little sorrier when I kick you guys'-
CHARLIE BROWN: I want to go home!
JCM: No. First, we have some bribing to do.
{Cut to a random house. A knock is heard. The door opens to reveal Charlie Brown with a copy of his shirt in his hands.}
CHARLIE BROWN: {dryly} Vote for JCM and you'll get this free shirt in return.
MAN: Oh my gosh! Charlie Brown! Can I have your autograph.
CHARLIE BROWN: No autograph until you vote.
MAN: Yes, sir! I can't wait to tell my wife about this!
{The man runs offscreen.}
WIFE: Who or what is a JCM?
{Charlie Brown walks off and sighs. JCM jumps out a bush.}
NAMINE: This scene was so boring.
NAMINE: It's boring a hole into my skull.
JCM: You're doing a great job! Just...do this for an actual wiki user next time.
CHARLIE BROWN: I can't continue this. You see, uh, Snoopy needs me!
JCM: Don't worry! I got your dog to help me, too! See?
{JCM points to another part of the lawn, where Snoopy is printing out ads from his laptop.}
{Anguished screams can be heard.}
CHARLIE BROWN: When did he get a laptop?
JCM: Well, I'd love to stand here and play 20 questions with you, but I've got an election to win!
{Cut to the student school. JCM, Charlie Brown and Snoopy walk inside in slow motion.}
CHARLIE BROWN: Why are we walking this slow?
JCM: For emphasis. Duh.
NAMINE: That's not a reason to walk slow ever
SNOOPY: {thinking} I feel like a celebrity again.
{Cut to a room. Bluebry, The Noid, Raiku, Kirbychu HR'D, Badstar, Im a bell, Zoo977, Dot, Skullbuggy, Chwoka, Vindicator, and Chaosvii7 are sitting in chairs.}
NAMINE: Let me point out a list of names from people who'd care about this election amongst the people sitting in chairs currently:
CHAOS: We just have to wait until JCM gets here before we start the voting.
VINDICATOR: Where are those kids, anyway?
NAMINE: Their lines don't make sense. Vindicator would spew out Valve references, and Chaos would've jumped out of his chair and left the auditorium.
{Cut to the hallway. JCM, Charlie Brown and Snoopy walk down the hallway still in slow motion.}
CHARLIE BROWN: We've been going like this for 10 minutes now. Can we stop?
JCM: Shh. Talking will ruin the effect.
{Suddenly, a rock hits JCM in the head, causing him to fall.}
CHWOKA: Get out here, already, dumb{censored}!
NAMINE: Right, this was during the time it ran in Homestar Runner Wiki. Although I still see no point at all to dragging Charlie Brown and Snoopy into the plot at all.
{Charlie Brown and Snoopy picks JCM up and runs into the room.}
{Cut to the room. Chaos walks onto a box.}
CHAOS: OK, everyone. Now, you created your ads and platforms, chose your parties, made your speeches, and I'm now here to tell you that 5 teams have been wasting their time.
NAMINE: YES! FINALLY! JCM GETS CHAOS' PERSONALITY RIGHT!
JCM: Wait, what?
CHAOS: Yep! I'm trimming them down to two!
{All of the students discuss in shock.}
NAMINE: Aww, JCM screwed up again!
CHAOS: And those lucky two are...
{Zoom into JCM biting his "fingernails".}
JCM: Wait, I don't have fingernails. Youch!
{JCM shakes his hand in pain.}
CHAOS: Are you quite finished?
JCM: Yeah, go ahead.
CHAOS: The remaining two are...
{Suspenseful music plays and then abruptly stops as Bluebry calls out.}
BLUEBRY: Will you just get on with it?
NAMINE: Remember when Monty Python did this? It was significantly funnier there.
CHAOS: {quickly} Bluebry/Noid and SkullB/Chwoka.
JCM: Yes! We did it! Yeah!
{JCM runs up to the box and kisses Chaos on the cheek. He then does a little dance.}
CHARLIE BROWN: Um, JCM, I haven't cleaned my ears out in a while, but I'm pretty sure he didn't call your name.
NAMINE: Remember when The Venture Bros. did the whole "turn a childhood icon into a homeless wreck" thing? It was significantly funnier there.
{JCM freezes.}
CHAOS: He's right. You and your unoriginal friends are eliminated from the election.
SNOOPY: {thinking} What? I'm not unoriginal! I'm clean! I washed my hands in the sewer this morning!
{JCM falls backwards and Charlie Brown facepalms.}
CHARLIE BROWN: Let's go, Snoopy.
SNOOPY: {thinking} "Let's go?" Are you saying I'm not getting my fame back? No!
{Charlie Brown picks up Snoopy, who tries to struggle free.}
SNOOPY: {thinking} I'll sue you guys for everything you have if you don't give me back my happiness!
NAMINE: I... really want to see Snoopy sue JCM. But not for that reason.
{Charlie Brown walks out and Snoopy bends back in the door's view and shakes his fist.}
SNOOPY: Sue you!
{Snoopy is pulled from the door's sight.}
CHAOS: So, voting will begin in 5 minutes. Now, get out while I fix this place up for voting.
{Everyone leaves the room. Fade to a screen that says "4 minutes and 30 seconds later...". Fade back. The room now looks completely like the inside of a polling place.}
CHAOS: OK, you can come in now!
NAMINE: Why would Chaos put so much effort into this election thing?
{Everyone walks back in.}
CHAOS: Voting begins in 10 seconds.
STUDENTS: 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3-
JCM: Are you sure you don't want to reconsider me?
STUDENTS: 1!
{Chaos slides onto the ground and raises his hand.}
CHAOS: Liftoff! Sorry, I've just always wanted to do that.
{Chaos gets back up and everyone puts their ballots in the boxes. Chaos takes all of them out and smiles.}
CHAOS: It seems we have some write-ins.
NAMINE: What a coincidence! I voted for you so you'd not waste your time supporting people you don't legitimately care about!
BLUEBRY: What?!
JCM: Well, of course I didn't vote for Bluebry or Skullbuggy.
BLUEBRY: Yeah, I'd expect that from you, but you allowed write-ins?
CHAOS: Well, I didn't disallow them. So, the write-ins were Shaur/Mu and Sam/Clam.
NAMINE: My guess is Super Sam wrote all those names to give this episode the lesson it needs about not caring about reputation or something.
BLUEBRY: Well, that doesn't matter. Just crown me president and I'll take care of the non-believers later.
CHAOS: I can't do that.
BLUEBRY: Why not?
CHAOS: Oh, speaking of why not, did you meet my new pet? It's a Wynaut.
NAMINE: We don't even get to see this marvelous pet of Chaos'.
BLUEBRY: Just tell me why!
CHAOS: OK, OK. It's because you didn't win.
BLUEBRY: But that's impossible!
NAMINE: It's only impossible if you have ties to the mob and rigged the elections. Neither has been accomplished.
CHAOS: No, it isn't. In fact, it's tied between Sammy and Skully.
JCM: Well, Super Sam has more real authority so that means he wins, right?
CHAOS: Wrong. Everyone knows that rule 34 states-
SUPER SAM: {offscreen} Don't even.
NAMINE: Thank you.
CHAOS: Rule 34 in the political yearbook states that if a written-in candidate was ever tied with a regular candidate, the regular candidate would win by default.
JCM: Oh.
NAMINE: And suddenly the joke spiraled into a mess of boring.
CHAOS: So, people, you know what that means. The new president of the school student school is Skullbuggy!
JCM: Hey, that also means that one of my best friends is vice president!
CHAOS: Wait, I thought that was Chwoka.
NAMINE: Let me re-read the 'sode.
{Namine re-reads the episode}
NAMINE: I mean, you said so yourself.
NAMINE: Yeah, pretty sure Chwoka is the vice-president.
{SkullB runs onscreen.}
SKULLB: Yes! I knew getting legs would work! I mean, everyone needs a president that can walk, right?
JCM: Dang! You sacrificing your buggyness worked! I should've sacrificed something, too! Maybe I can donate some blood next time.
{Chwoka walks onscreen.}
CHWOKA: Any hospital desperate enough to take your blood is near bankruptcy. Now, I have some VP stuff to do! Let's go, SkullB!
NAMINE: Pretty sure blood centres take anyone's blood without discrimination. Noxigar's been getting calls from a blood centre periodically himself!
{SkullB puts on a giant sticker that which says in small words "I DIDN'T VOTED BUT STILL WON" and he leaves with Chwoka.}
JCM: {sighs} Oh well, at least I got a free shirt in the process.
{Zoom in as JCM takes off his shirt to reveal a copy of Charlie Brown's shirt, in the same fashion as his green shirt, underneath it Zoom out to show JCM standing on the robot from the theme song again.}
ROBOT: YOU ARE SAD.
{Suddenly, Lightning Guy flies onscreen.}
LIGHTNING GUY: Well, I guess that was an electrifying election.
{Namine groans loudly.}
{Everyone laughs.}
JCM: Hey! That's the name of the episode!
NAMINE: Naturally, the name of the episode being named something isn't supposed to be pointed out.
{Everyone looks at JCM dryly.}
LIGHTNING GUY: I'm... going to stop making random appearances from now on. And give me my robot back. He's rented.
{Lightning Guy takes the robot from under JCM and flies offscreen with it. Zoom into JCM.}
JCM: Wait, what am I standing on?
{JCM looks down and then falls.}
{The End}
NAMINE: That ending was... terrible.
