Lex's Wikihood Redux Remake/eps/11

Summary

The team has made it in the right place, at the right time. Everyone except for two go looking for the wisest man in all the universes in the one universe. Meanwhile, a big battle between Chaos and Joseph ensues.

Transcript

{Open in to the Ark flying through a wormhole. The song "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd is playing in the background. Zoom in to show the gang standing at the front of the ship, all decked out in leather gear.}

CHAOS: How much longer is it gonna be?

ZNEX: Well, according to the time code, this universe was one of the first ones to be created. The hundredth one, in fact.

SEPHIROTH: And that universe is mine!

ZNEX: Shut the fuck up, Sephiroth.

SEPHIROTH: But-..

ZNEX: You're out of your element here, Sephiroth. Your universe was the 101st one to be made. Ours was the 630927th to be made. So we have about... a week to go. It's a rough estimate, more or less.

CHAOS: We've only passed two universes so far. ...We're never going to make it, are we?

ZNEX: Chin up, Chaos. It's only a matter of time.

SEPHIROTH: So, what do we do to pass the time?

ZNEX: Life does not stop and start at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.

SEPHIROTH: What the hell's wrong with Znex, Chaos?

CHAOS: I honestly have no idea.

ZNEX: I knew I shouldn't have left the cuff at home.

{Cut to a montage of the Wikihood Characters bowling. For two whole weeks. By the end, they're half-assing it, obviously bored of bowling.}

SEPHIROTH: Chaos, really. I can't believe you only installed a bowling alley in this big-ass ship. You could've done so much more.

CHAOS: Well I'm sorry, Sephiroth! It's not like it's my ship or anything! How long now, anyway? It's been two weeks.

ZNEX: We're entering it right now as we speak, I believe.

{The Ark flies into a wormhole, and into the new universe.

CHAOS: What planet?

ZNEX: Uh...

{Znex presses a series of buttons.}

ZNEX: Whoa, the whole thing is going kooky. It can only define that the wisest creature of all is in the {has difficulty pronouncing next word} Alrgrckonl system. Whoa, that's a lot of garble.

CHAOS: I loved that place! I bummed around there a long time ago.

{They fly to the system, where there is only 1 big planet. The Ark lands in a docking bay. The characters exit the ship, and are greeted by a strange blue pig-like creature with four extra limbs.}

STRANGE BLUE BEING: {speaks foreign language}

ZNEX: Oh, I forgot to turn on the translator. Hang on.

{Znex presses a series of buttons on his cuff.}

STRANGE BLUE BEING: {in English now} --Yuhronkilsu City, home of the Rthorsnklau. My name is Tfgranopkg, and I shall be your guide. I have never seen such strange beings as you before. From where do you hail?

ZNEX: You wouldn't understand.

TFGARNOPKG: Oh, I wouldn't understand, huh? What makes you say that?

ZNEX: Well, it's because you're-..

TFGARNOPKG: I'm what? Of a different species as you? You think I can't understand what you are?

ZNEX: I didn't mean it like th-...

TFGARNOPKG: No, you totally did, don't bullshit me. I'm too fucking dumb to understand you by the look of things, so how about I just take you where you wanna go so I don't have to look at your ugly faces longer than I would like. Huh? You'd like that? Hmph. So I assume you wanna speak to the High Priest, don't you?

ZNEX: Well, yes, I guess. Is he the wisest?

TFGARNOPKG: Gee, I don't know. I'm just a lowly guide. Why don't you see for yourself?

CHAOS: {To Sephiroth} Jeez, this guy's a moody bitch.

ZNEX: Who is this High Priest, anyway?

TFGARNOPKG: God, are you stupid or something? You come all the way over here, and you don't even know who the High Priest is. The High Priest of Chaos, duh!

CHAOS: Wait, what?

TFGARNOPKG: You heard me. The High Priest of Chaos. He serves Chaos, The God of Life! The one who freed us from the powerful might of Hynukgfop the Destroyer eons ago and made this world suitable for us to live in! He also told us the secret of time travel!

ZNEX: Time travel?

TFGARNOPKG: Yes! However, we could never find the right sort of energy to thrust us all the way to his galaxy, for that's where he left after he had done all this for us! But he promised he would return one day, to thrust us into glory, and give us a much nicer world, which is what we call Paradisea! We have been waiting ever since.

ZNEX: And the High Priest understands all this?

TFGARNOPKG: Yes, of course!

ZNEX: So why haven't you asked him?

TFGARNOPKG: Because fuck you, that's why.

ZNEX: Jeez, okay. Where does he live, anyway?

TFGARNOPKG: Why, in the High Temple of Chaos, of course! However, no one has ever seen it. The Priests of Chaos give the High Priest all our questions, and he answers them with such wisdom and intelligence!

ZNEX: Well that helped a lot. Jackass.

TFGARNOPKG: You shouldn't have insulted me in the first place, you self-righteous asshole. Y'know what? I'm outta here. I don't need to deal with the likes of you dicks.

{Tfgarnopkg flips them the bird and walks off.}

SEPHIROTH: So.. where do we go?

ZNEX: Beats me. Perhaps we should look for one of the priests? They might take us to the High Temple!

SEPHIROTH: Isn't that what we're doing anyway?

ZNEX: Yeah, but..

SEPHIROTH: We have to look for a high priest to take us to a high temple we don't know the whereabouts of, just so we can talk to a high priest. Doesn't that sound a bit redundant to you?

ZNEX: Well, a bit, but..

SEPHIROTH: So wouldn't it just be easier to cut out the middleman and ask that priest instead? I mean.. yeah.

ZNEX: I guess we could do...

CHAOS: IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I WAS HERE LAST. THE FIRST TIME, I WAS A MESSIAH. THEIR GOD.

ZNEX: Can people please stop inter-...

CHAOS: I TRIED TO TELL THEM WRONG, BUT THEY REFUSED TO LISTEN TO REASON.

ZNEX: Just a question, Chaos, but have you ever lost anything?

CHAOS: Other than my virginity?

ZNEX: No, not that. TMI, man. Battles, I mean.

CHAOS: Oh, right. Well, I did lose a lot of them, and I ALMOST lost an important one, it sort of relates to this planet, too. Do you want to hear it?

ZNEX: Yes, please tell.

CHAOS: Well, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

{The screen cuts to a flashback sequence, in a nice sepia tone.}

CHAOS: It was half a million years ago where I first came across this planet. The moment I stepped onto the ground, I was being hailed as a savior and a hero. I didn't even know why at first. I tried to prove them wrong, but they insisted on it and rounded each other up to take me to the castle court. I had realized that I was to be the leader of their revolution. One I had no idea was even happening until I was part of it. A large being, yellow and fat, unable to walk and being supported by a mechanic platform walked out of a doorway with a humanoid girl. You know the hot alien space chicks from Star Trek? Yeah. Green skin and shit? Totally. She had the nicest breasts ever. You know the kind I'm talking about. Not too small, but not too big either? Perky, with a nice amount of cleavage, oh yeah. And that ass, man. It was an ass to die for. I'm not talking about any old ass, I'm talking about THE ass. The ass was fat.

ZNEX: You're diverging, Chaos.

CHAOS: Oh, right. Yeah. Well, at first glance, the King looked at me and scoffed, saying "This is not our calamity". Whatever the hell that meant. I had been thrust into leading a revolution, and quite frankly, I couldn't care less. The people looked well enough to me. But that babe? She had a choice ass. I needed that ass. So I did it. I went up to him and told him that I would be taking his throne and his wife. Apparently he was also a total baby-eating tyrant, so that was a plus too. All of a sudden, he got off of his pedestal and transformed. He was no longer a fat and yellow old man, but a white being, in red, black, and gold clothing. This was his true form. I walked right up to him and challenged him to a rap battle for the kingdom. Turns out that rap music existed before humanity. I laid some of my freshest beats upon his white ass, and he laid some of his upon mine. The rap battle took an entire week, with each of us exchanging mad disses against each other. The resulting funk energy from our rap battle radiated throughout the kingdom, reshaping the landscape completely. They made a new religion out of me and my funky rap beats. Called it "Chaosism". Eventually, I noticed that his raps were starting to lack a bit, and I was just about to go in for the kill. But he returned with the biggest rap burn ever. It tore the palace apart, with the funk energy blasting everyone away to a 40 mile radius. It was just me, him, and the queen at this point. I didn't think I could win. Until she stepped in and delivered her rap. Turns out that his last rap took the energy out of him, and the sudden betrayal of his mistress, along with her awesome beats tore him apart. He turned into a marble statue, and that's what he's been since. The queen thanked me, and I was declared a new funky rap god. But I didn't want to tend to my duties, so I fled with her. The same girl is now the general of my army of funky undead army, "Helbeat". I was much different from before when I returned today.