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RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/8

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JCM gets his own email show.

NAMINE: Um, okay? Why don't you make that a subsection of your fanstuff instead?

Movie

{JCM walks into the computer room.}

JCM: Oh, there are the students! I wonder why they are all on the computer right now.

NAMINE: The fourth wall slightly cracks, but does not falter.

{JCM looks over the shoulders of random students as they are answering emails.}

JCM: Wow, I've never seen so many 12s in my life!

{A newspaper boy with an I.D. on his chest saying "I M SimplyMP".}

SIMPLYMP: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Email craze hits fanstuff school!

{Namine sighs}
NAMINE: It's a school based on fanstuff from Homestar Runner. This would've been a halfway decent pilot idea since, y'know, one would naturally assume emails to be involved as a result of Homestar Runner.

JCM: Wait, our school doesn't have a newspaper.

SIMPLYMP: Shut up.

{SimpyMP shoves the newspaper into JCM's mouth and continues on.}

SIMPLYMP: {offscreen} Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

NAMINE: And what if I don't want to read your nonexistent newspaper?

JCM: {muffled} OK.

{JCM spits the newpaper into his hand and reads the front cover, which has a picture of Strong Bad emailing, only the mask is all black and has a question mark on it.}

JCM: {reading} School Student Emails has been introduced in the Homestar Runner Fanstuff School. It is a great way to interact with others and can get students popularity points. {stops} Popularity points? I've always wanted some of those! Well, not always, since I joined just last year, but you know what I mean. And I'm talking to myself, aren't I?

NAMINE: Popularity points... um, what?

{JCM walks to the school store. He sees The Mu at next to a bunch of computers.}

JCM: The Mu?

THE MU: What do you want, kid?

JCM: Uh, the only thing you're selling?

THE MU: Be specific, fool!

JCM: {dry} A dang computer.

NAMINE: Does it have to be a Dang computer? Couldn't you get a Sony, Asus, or Macintosh instead, to name computer products you could've mentioned? Hell, even Dell!

THE MU: {happily} Well, why didn't you say so? That'll be $200!

JCM: {shocked} What?

{JCM's head turns into a lightbulb.}

JCM: Watt?

{Namine groans at how unfunny the joke is}

THE MU: Computers don't come cheap, ya know.

{JCM's head explodes then turns back to normal.}

JCM: But, but, but, but, but-

THE MU: No buts. If you want butts, play Butt Hero 3.

NAMINE: Well, Activision's games might as well be Butt-based...

{The Almsforthelectrix logo appears on the top left corner and JCM blows it away.}

JCM: OK, Mu, I don't know what your problem is, but I will get a computer. And my popularity points!

{JCM raises his hand and runs offscreen.}

JCM: {offscreen} I will!

NAMINE: "Bring me the MST3K reference." NAMINE: "I will! I will bring it!"

THE MU: Uh, that kid's a bit touched in the head, don't you think? Ugh, and I'm talking to myself, which is worse, don't ya think?

{Zoom up to a clock. It changes from 1:30 PM to 6:45 PM. A rope flies in from above and JCM slides down it so quickly that he falls off. A crash is heard.}

JCM: {offscreen} Ow, my internal skeleton.

NAMINE: Wait, JCM has an exoskeleton? Explains why he's such a miserable insect.

And my hands. They burn like fire. Actually, they are on fire...{screams}

{Zoom down to show JCM on fire, running back and forth.}

JCM: {freezes} Wait, Mrs. Shwoo told me to stop, drop, and roll in situations like this. I got the stop part right. Now to {falls} drop!

{JCM starts to roll over and over again.}

JCM: Now to roll. Or did she mean eat a cinnamon roll?

Or get a roll of toilet paper? Or make some kind of parody of rickroll?

{"Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley starts to play.}

NAMINE: Great, another song that got old long before its generation even finished.

JCM: No! That was a joke, 80s music music from nowhere!

{The music stops abruptly. JCM stops burning and he gets up.}

JCM: Well, that totally wasn't a complete waste of time and broken ears.

{JCM picks up a computer and walks offscreen. Pan down to show a small spark of fire on the ground that JCM was rolling on. It starts to become a flame that gets bigger by the second. Suspenseful music plays.}

{Cut to the outside of the fanstuff school. It is nothing but ruins and ash and fire trucks are driving in all over it.}

JOEYDAY: Why didn't you guys get here sooner?

FIREMAN: You called us at 3 in the morning!

JOEYDAY: So?

NAMINE: So, stop doing stupid things and mayhap you'll not need people at such heinously early times!

FIREMAN: I know you don't go out much and all, but you should know where most men are at 3 in the morning.

{JoeyDay thinks then gasps.}

JOEYDAY: Ugh! Too much information!

NAMINE: I... don't quite get the point of this. Aren't most people asleep?

FIREMAN: Uh, we were asleep.

NAMINE: See? Even the fireman agrees that your statement is out-of-context!

What did you think we were doing?

JOEYDAY: Never. Mind. Anyway, do you guys think you can rebuild this place by the time the kids get here?

FIREMAN: When is that?

JOEYDAY: 8:00.

{The firemen laugh.}

FIREMAN: That's 3 hours from now! Are you crazy?!

NAMINE: So Joey Day called at 3 AM, and they show up at 5 AM. What took them so long to get to what is practically either an elementary or middle school?

JOEYDAY: Not the last time I checked.

FIREMAN: Listen, it'll take days, maybe even weeks, to fix this place.

JOEYDAY: {nervous} But, the kids will be here in hours, not days, or weeks.

FIREMAN: Good point. I don't know how you'll cover this up.

JOEYDAY: I've got it!

{JoeyDay takes a giant sheet out of his pocket and throws it over his school.}

NAMINE: Wait, how did he fit an entire drape into one of his pockets?

JOEYDAY: There. Good as new!

FIREMAN: OK, then. We'll just go, now.

{The firemen slowly walk backwards then turns and starts running. JoeyDay chuckles nervously.}

{Cut to JCM's house. JCM walks in with a computer in his hands. He double paces then runs up to his room. He turns on the computer and a tune is played while the Fanstuff Inc logo appears on the screen.}

JCM: Oh, wow. This is the greatest thing ever. Besides my old laptop, but that's unfortunately more broken than a man after falling from a skyscraper 10000 feet tall then that skyscraper falling on him. OK, my use of comparisons scare even me.

NAMINE: The self parody actually works.

{The computer goes to the main screen and JCM clicks the "make email" button.}

COMPUTER: HOW I MAKE EMAIL?

'NAMINE: First, with proper grammar. Second, aren't you programmed with an Internet browser to start?

COMPUTER: Well, you see, when a mailbox and a computer love each other very much-

NAMINE: No. Just, just, no!

JCM: Ew! Skip!

{JCM presses a button on his keyboard and it skips to the sign up page. It says:

Emal:|
Paswurd:
Retyp Paswurd:
Locashun:
Dat of Berth: M: DD: YYYY
Verufucashun Cod:

}

NAMINE: Are the spelling errors supposed to be intentional?

{JCM types the answers and a black screen pops up. JCM types in jicem_email.egg and an email pops up.}

NAMINE: That last part really creeps me out. JCM should watch what he does to it...

JCM: Hi, MailServ! I don't mean to offend, but your sign up page looks like it was written by a three year old. Oh, wait, reply to this and die?

{There is a pause.}

JCM: So, what do I do now?

{JCM falls asleep right there.}

{Cut to the fanstuff school. JCM walks there and knocks on the school.}

JCM: Popularity points, here I come!

NAMINE: Wait, how does owning a desktop computer warrant popularity points? I thought laptops were the thing now...

{JCM waits for a few seconds, then knocks again.}

JCM: Popularity points, here I come!

{JCM waits again and then slams on it.}

JCM: Popularity points, here I-

{A part of the school falls on JCM.}

JCM: {under part} Come.

{All the other students come behind JCM and look at the burnt school.}

STUDENT: {offscreen} Whoa.

STUDENT: {offscreen} What happened?

JCM: Something tells me that this school isn't in great shape right now.

NAMINE: {fake British accent} Astute observation there, young chap.

{JCM jumps out from under the school piece. His body parts are mixed up.}

JCM: Neither am I.

{JoeyDay comes onscreen.}

JOEYDAY: OK, everyone, I-

{JoeyDay sees JCM and looks at him for a while.}

JCM: What?

JOEYDAY: Nothing. Anyway, I am sorry to say, everyone, that school is closed for the next few days, or weeks.

STUDENT: {offscreen} What?

STUDENT: {offscreen} Why?

JOEYDAY: Because, well, you see, there was a small fire.

JCM: It looks OK to me.

JOEYDAY: {dry} Well, that's because there's a sheet on it.

JCM: There is?

{JoeyDay pulls the sheet off the school.}

JCM: Oh, now I see. It looks horrible now.

HOMSAR44WITHPIE: Look in the mirror. You'll see something even worse.

NAMINE: Wait, what? How does that statement make sense?

{JCM takes a mirror out of his shirt pocket and looks into it.}

JCM: {screams} Oh wait, that's me.

{JCM shakes and then turns back to normal somehow. JoeyDay takes out a notepad and a pen and starts writing.}

JOEYDAY: {quietly} Note to self: Watch out for JCM.

JCM: Man, does anyone know how the fire started?

NAMINE: Meta answer: Flame wars, flame wars everywhere.

JOEYDAY: Nope, people are researching it now. They suspect someone broke in and did it for God knows why.

{JCM walks offscreen.}

{Cut to a sidewalk. JCM walks down it thinking.}

JCM: What crazy person would break into the school in the middle of the night?

{Suddenly JCM stops.}

JCM: Oh dear. No, it can't be.

{Cut to a flashback scene of JCM running back and forth on fire. He stops, drops, then rolls. He then takes a computer and walks off with a fire forming behind him.}

{Cut back.}

JCM: Yep, it's true. I burned down the school.

NAMINE: How suddenly contrived. Why couldn't it be that Homsar44withpie guy, or someone else?

{JCM takes the computer out of his shirt pocket.}

JCM: At a time like this, all I can do it email.

JCM: Well, your mama Mia, you could have spellchecked before sending this to me, but whatever. Anyway, I'm sure the person that started the fire is very sorry. He/she doesn't deserve to be arrested. A talking to will probably settle. I mean, seriously. Your friend, JCM, who did not burn down the school.

{JCM sends the email.}

NAMINE: Suddenly, Strong Bad jump-kicks JCM, breaks his computer, then has Strong Mad and the Cheat take the computer to a pawn shop. Or, more specifically, Bubs' Concession Stand.

JCM: That'll keep him from getting suspicious. Now, for a real email.

JCM: OK.

{JCM deletes the email.}

NAMINE: If ever there was a joke that could be deleted, it would be this one.

JCM: Now for a real real email.

JCM: I'm starting to see a pattern here. I just can't put my finger on it.

NAMINE: Your email show is going downhill faster than a lemming falls off a cliff?

{JCM walks to his house.}

JCM: {singing} Who's the kid that checks all his emails? That's me, JCM.

{JCM walks into a pole. He then wakes up to find himself in a black screen.}

JCM: Wah! Where am I?

LOW VOICE: Don't you already know?

JCM: Am I in heaven? It's a little dark for heaven, though.

VOICE: No, if you were dead, this would be in Hell.

JCM: Oh. So, where am I?

VOICE: You are in you're

NAMINE: your

computer.

JCM: What? But, that's impossible!

VOICE: Then explain why you're standing on a task bar.

{Zoom out to show JCM standing on a Windows XP taskbar.}

JCM: Hmm, I didn't really notice that. Now, why am I here?

VOICE: So, you can know how we feel being taken used by a thief and liar!

NAMINE: {singing} Conjunction Junction, what's your function?
"Ignoring this fanstuff as much as possible".

JCM: I am neither of those things!

VOICE: Oh, so are you saying to didn't steal the computer you're in? And that you didn't tell an emailer that you had nothing to do with the school burning?

JCM: Well, I did, but-

VOICE: You did! And we don't like it!

JCM: OK, who are you?

VOICE: I'm the computer. Meet my pet, Cursor.

{The mouse cursor comes onscreen and clicks on JCM.}

JCM: Ow! That hurts!

COMPUTER: Yes, think about how much it hurts me when you click on me 20 times a minute.

NAMINE: This would have been a wonderful aesop about technology abuse if not for the fact the build-up to this was not-so-stellar.

CURSOR: And how much it makes me dizzy when you keep shaking me around!

JCM: Listen, I'm sorry for all I did to you, but I have a family and friends to go to!

COMPUTER: And an email show?

JCM: Well, yeah, that, too.

COMPUTER: Then let's go somewhere else until then.

JCM: Oh my gosh. Are you taking me to the-

{Cut to a close up of JCM's mouth, only it's blue and human-like.}

JCM: Recycle bin?

{Cut back to the original view.}

COMPUTER: No, we want to teach you a lesson, not torture you! We are taking you to Internet Explorer.

NAMINE: Oh, no! Not Internet Explorer! Not that browser that I'm currently riffing this episode with that seems to work fine!
NAMINE: {dry} I don't see much of a difference between Internet Explorer and Mozilla Firefox, other than IE not crashing as much. As in, i.e., being better than Firebox.

JCM: Actually, I like Firefox better. And Google Chrome. Can we go to one of those?

COMPUTER: How about no?

{Cut to Internet Explorer. The url for the email service is typed and it comes up.}

COMPUTER: Type in your email and password or you can kiss real life goodbye.

JCM: How am I supposed to do that?

COMPUTER: Use your mind.

NAMINE: You know, this would've been funny if I actually watched Tron. But I don't, and thus this portion of the episode is difficult to make jokes out of.

{JCM grumbles as he takes his brain out from his ear. He wipes the text boxes with it and his username and password appears on them. He puts his brain back into his ear. The screen goes black and jicem_email.egg is typed in. An email pops up.}

NAMINE: Okay, stop with the emails.

{Curson flies offscreen and comes onscreen with The Mu.}

NAMINE: The Mu is using Skype, and he built it into every computer so interaction with other users is made easier.

JCM: Oh no.

THE MU: Hey, JCM, where did you get this computer from? I know I didn't sell it to you.

NAMINE: WHY DID YOU ANSWER YOUR OWN RHETORICAL QUESTION?!

JCM: I bought it at another store for a cheaper price.

THE MU: Oh really? Then why is there a Fanstuff Inc sticker down there?

{Pan down to show a small sticker with the Fanstuff Inc Logo on the monitor.}

JCM: I have issues, OK?

COMPUTER: Tell. Him. The Truth. Or Else.

JCM: Or else what?

{Desktop lightning zaps JCM.}

JCM: Stupid potentially unwanted program!

THE MU: Ahem.

JCM: {sighs} Fine. I stole your computer from the school.

THE MU: And?

JCM: I'm sorry?

{The desktop lightning zaps JCM again.}

JCM: Alright, already! I also caused the fire at the school and lied about it to everyone. Are you happy, The Mu, the computer, and Cursor?

THE MU, COMPUTER, AND CURSOR: {pauses} Yes.

JCM: {quietly} Good, Now I have to delete that desktop lightning.

COMPUTER: Now that you've said the truth here, say the truth out there, or, gulp, we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.

NAMINE: And trust me, I don't want that either.

{Cut to the street where JCM ran into the pole. He wakes up to find himself where he was before the dream.}

JCM: Oh, it was just a dream. I don't have to tell the truth after all.

COMPUTER: Ahem.

{JCM screams, drops the computer, and runs away.}

{Cut to the fanstuff school. JoeyDay is in a tux with It's dot com, Stu, and Tom. He puts a flower next to the destroyed school.}

JOEYDAY: Here lies my third best school friend. {sniffs} We'll all remember you these weeks or months.

IT'S DOT COM: {sighs} What a baby.

JCM: Mr. Day, I have an explanation to make.

JOEYDAY: Wow, you don't call me Mr. Day unless it's dire!

NAMINE: {Suddenly, dire wolves and dire bears rip JoeyDay into a bloodied carcass, for which dire eagles carry portions of the unfortunate human's organs to their young so they may eat.}

JCM: It is. Well, you see, I know who caused the fire at your school.

JOEYDAY: {excited} Who? Tell me and don't leave out any details! I want justice and I want it now!

JCM: It was me.

JOEYDAY: What? Me? Does his friends, Myself and I, know?

JCM: No, no, I mean, JCM!

JOEYDAY: You don't have to talk in the third person. You could have just said it was you.

JCM: OK, I'll remember that next time.

NAMINE: Um, what? I thought JCM tried that and it did not work?

JOEYDAY: So, you're the one that started the fire?

JCM: Yes, I think that's what I said.

JOEYDAY: You do know that's a very serious crime and can get you expelled, right?

JCM: Why so serious?

NAMINE: LET'S PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE!

JOEYDAY: Don't worry, since you're a good kid, I won't kill you. But, you are suspended until the school is fixed. Now, get out of my sight!

JCM: {sadly} Yes, sir.

{JCM walks offscreen with a small grin.}

STU: Um, Joey, is your grieving for the school messing with your head in any way?

JOEYDAY: Huh? What are you talking ab-Oh, crap!

{JoeyDay facepalms and Tom pats his back.}

TOM: There might not even be any point in the fixings, anyway. I heard that the fanstuff school is dying.

NAMINE: Unsurprisingly, the allegory between the fanstuff school and the wiki it's based on get more and more like a complete identity, instead of just a meager parallel.

{It's dot com gets a curious look. Pan left to show JCM eavesdropping on them and gasping.}

{Cut to a screen that says "A little after a few weeks/months later".}

{Cut to the auditorium of the fanstuff school. It's dot com walks onto the stage.}

IT'S DOT COM: I've got great news, everyone! Lunar Jesters has returned! And actually has all his body parts!

NAMINE: How is that last part relevant?

STUDENTS: Yay!

{Lunar Jesters walks onto the stage.}

LUNAR JESTERS: Hello, everyone, it's nice to see you again!

JCM: Hey, Lunar, where were you?

LUNAR JESTERS: Well, person I don't know and never want to, I got married to this wonderful woman and had to go live somewhere else with her. I got a new job for a few years, but we got divorced for personal reasons and I decided to come back! This piece of ID in my head is from her purse when she hit me with it!

NAMINE: I'm assuming this is funny only to those who actually know the context behind it. 'Kay.

STUDENTS: Yay! I mean, sorry!

JCM: Well, Lunar, you missed a whole lot! I mean, everybody's been complaining about the school dying and all. You're the only one that can bring this place back together.

LUNAR JESTERS: How can a school die?

IT'S DOT COM: Well, yeah, about that. He's a little too late.

JCM: What?

IT'S DOT COM: We're tearing down the school.

NAMINE: Too much Raiku in it, I take it? Or just not enough people writing reasonable works? I feel like a mixture of both was involved when the actual HRFWiki purge happened.
NAMINE: Noxigar wouldn't shut the hell up about either.

{Cut to a close-up of It's dot com's face with a darkness to it.}

{To Be Continued}
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