RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/6

JCM finds a map and looks for treasure buried in the school.

Movie

{JCM walks into the house covered in mud.}

NAMINE: This again

JCM: Worst. Day. Ever. I hope I never have to go to school again.

{The window behind him shows the sun going down, the moon coming up, the moon coming down, and the sun coming back up all in 5 seconds.}

JCM'S FATHER: JCM, time for school!

JCM: Oh, come on!

{Cut to the Homestar Runner Fanstuff School. JCM walks in with fresh new clothes on, shining teeth, and a dry expression.}

JCM: Let's just get this over with.

NAMINE: In before something else happens which leads to JCM not looking good.

{It's dot com walks onscreen with a camera.}

IT'S DOT COM: Let's just get this over with.

JCM: {surprised} You don't have to be in such a rush. Wait? What hypocritical thing am I saying?

NAMINE: Well, at least this is different from the last episode.

IT'S DOT COM: Say "the fanstuff pays It's dot com too little for this dumb job".

{JCM quickly changes from his dry expression to his happy expression.}

JCM: The fanstuff pays It's dot com too little for this dumb job!

{It's dot com flashes the camera at JCM, causing JCM to be dazed for a second.}

JCM: Did you just hypnotize me?

IT'S DOT COM: I know no such thing. See ya.

{It's dot com runs offscreen with the camera.}

JCM: Well, now that I'm done with that, time to make some fanstuff!

NAMINE: Okay, we actually get to see what goes on in the Fanstuff classes for once!

{JCM walks off and then slips on a piece of paper.}

JCM: What the? Hey, It's dot com, you dropped this! It seems he's long gone. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I took a peek at this.

{JCM looks at the paper and his eyes grow ride.}

JCM: This is directions to an X. What could that X mean? This looks like a job for the One who know all.

NAMINE: One Who Knows All

{Cut to a picture of Homestar.}

HOMESTAR: Yes?

JCM: What is this map for?

HOMESTAR: A bunch of dots going to an X.

JCM: {dry} I know that. But, what does the X mean?

HOMESTAR: X-ray.

JCM: Those are illegal in this city.

NAMINE: People are that fearful of radiation?

HOMESTAR: Xylophone?

JCM: What's that? All I know is that there is not one in this school.

HOMESTAR: I know! Excellency!

JCM: Doesn't that start with an e?

{Homestar pauses and JCM facepalms.}

HOMESTAR: I've got nothing.

NAMINE: As usual.

JCM: I still don't know why everyone calls you the one who knows all.

NAMINE: {imitating Homestar} It's because of irony!

HOMESTAR: Because I have dibs on that name, of course!

JCM: Well, hopefully, that's one thing you know.

NAMINE: I kinda like my explanation better. BUT MOVING ON, SINCE THIS EPISODE DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO STRANGLE NOXIGAR FOR LIKING THIS

{JCM walks offscreen and Homestar blows up in a fiery explosion.}

{Cut to the computer room. JCM looks up map and X on Google.}

JCM: Let's see. Pirate site, pirate site, pirate site, pirate site...I see something wrong.

NAMINE: You're Googling "Map and X". Looking for pirate sites. There are more than just a couple things you should be seeing wrong.

{It's dot com walks onscreen with pirate clothes on. JCM turns and sees him.}

JCM: It's dot com?

NAMINE: Character of the Day?

IT'S DOT COM: What, JCM?

{JCM shakes his head and looks at It's dot com more closely.}

JCM: Uh, nothing...I'm just going to go...run the heck away from you.

NAMINE: "I hated Pirates of the Carribean".
NAMINE: I only liked the first one. The others sucked. Yes, even Pirates 4 leaves a lot to be desired in terms of storywriting qualities.

{JCM screams and runs onscreen. It's dot com scratches his head with his hook.}

IT'S DOT COM: What's his problem?

{Cut to the bathroom. JCM is looking at the map.}

JCM: Buried treasure...in this school? If I find it, I'll be...

{Zoom out to show Kirbychu walking inside.}

JCM: Filthy...stinking...

{Kirbychu walks back out awkwardly.}

JCM: Rich!

{JCM runs out of the bathroom with the map in his hand.}

JCM: I'll have to find this treasure before someone else finds out about it!

{Zoom out to show all of the fanstuff students around JCM.}

JCM: Ignore anything I said about treasure. I was drunk at the time.

NAMINE: If there's one thing JCM does right about real life high school problems, it's the teen drinking! Although, at a prepubescent age like 13?

CHAOS: Which was 5 seconds ago?

JCM: Yes...don't judge me.

{All the kids shrug with "whatever"s and leaves.}

NAMINE: leave
NAMINE: There really is no excuse for that pluralization error.

JCM: {relieved} Phew! Now, on the go!

{JCM starts walking again.}

{Cut to a big red "X".}

JCM: I made it!

{JCM takes a shovel out of his shirt pocket. He hits the ground with it and it breaks in half.}

JCM: Oh dear.

{JCM takes out a saw and tries to saw the floor. The saw breaks in half. JCM takes out a chainsaw and tries to cut the floor. It explodes.}

JCM: Why don't this stupid floor break?!

NAMINE: doesn't

{JCM takes out a bomb, lits it, then covers his ear.}

{Cut to an explosion.}

{Cut back. JCM face is blackened and everything around him except the X is gone.}

JCM: Crud!

{JCM kicks the X and it breaks off, revealing a treasure chest.}

JCM: ...Oh.

{JCM opens the chest excitingly to find a piece of paper in it.}

JCM: {reading} "Congratulations on finding the treasure map." The map I found was just a map to the real treasure map?

NAMINE: Sounds like the entire plot to "National Treasure".

{JCM's face melts off.}

{Cut to JCM walking in a hallway. He looks at the map again and trips.}

JCM: Hi, floor, this is an unsavory position, isn't it? But, don't worry, it'll all be worth it when I see all that gold!

{JCM gets back up.}

JCM: Anyway, this map cannot be right. This is the basement of the school. It's older than life itself. Maybe even...my mom.

JCM'S MOTHER: {offscreen} I heard that!

NAMINE: Either Parent Teacher Conferences are going on nearby or JCM's mom is just omnipresent everywhere.

{JCM gulps and then walks into the basement. Every step he takes, a creak is heard.}

JCM: Man, these steps are old.

{When JCM stops, the creaks are still heard.}

JCM: {confused} Huh?

{Zoom up to show the wind blowing a broken light hanging from the ceiling. It makes the creaking noise every time it moves.}

JCM: Wait, where's the wind coming from?

NAMINE: The AC; where else?

{Zoom up to show a broken window and a rat on it breathing heavily.}

JCM: OK, that didn't need to be seen. Now, time for the treasure!

{JCM starts running to other parts of the basement. He then sees an "X" and starts running toward that.}

JCM: Aha!

{Suddenly, a ghost appears in front of JCM.}

JCM: {screams} A ghost!

GHOST: Aye, ye scurvy dog. Stay the {a loud creak is heard} away from me booty!

JCM: {awkwardly} I didn't want your butt.

NAMINE: Damn homonyms.

I wanted your treasure.

GHOST: That's what I said! Me booty!

JCM: Yeah, OK.

NAMINE: If you're going to act like a pirate, you should be well-versed in pirate slang. Savvy?

{JCM walks around the ghost and toward the "X" and the ghost stops him again.}

JCM: Do you have something against me?

GHOST: Didn't I tell ye not to touch my loot?!

JCM: No, you told me not to touch your bottom, which I didn't.

{The ghost facepalms.}

GHOST: The treasure is mine, OK?

JCM: Not OK. You're dead, for pete's sake! What could you do with the treasure?

GHOST: I be warning ye because I'll be forced to haunt ye if ye ever got ye dirty hands on me treasure.

NAMINE: And I wonder if "National Treasure," in its plot-awfulness, is more savory than this episode.

JCM: What are you talking about? My hands are clean!

{JCM rises up his shining hands.}

GHOST: Ah, ye know what I mean!

JCM: So, can I get the treasure now?

GHOST: No!

JCM: What about now?

GHOST: No!

JCM: Now?

GHOST: No! Ye can't have me treasure ever!

JCM: ...Is now a good time?

GHOST: Arrgh! When will ye hardheaded self realize that ye can never have me treasure!

NAMINE: When will you undead learn good punctuation and realize that ye need a question mark! Savvy?

JCM: So, when does never end?

GHOST: NEVER!

JCM: OK, I'll wait until then.

GHOST: OK, if ye want my treasure so badly, ye can win it in a fight.

NAMINE: THIS TURNED INTO A SHONEN ANIME
OH COME ON, JCM! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A PARODY OF TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES

JCM: But, I'll get my hands dirty!

GHOST: Just do it!

JCM: Mkay.

{JCM takes a jar out of his hand and traps the ghost in it.}

NAMINE: {singing} I've got a jar of dirt!

I've got a jar of dirt!
I've got a jar of dirt!

AND GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE IT?!

GHOST: Oh, shiver me timbers!

JCM: OK, I'm going to get that treasure now!

{JCM picks the giant treasure chest up without any strain and puts it safely in his shirt pocket.}

GHOST: So, when is ye going to get me out of this jar.

JCM: {thinks} Umm...never.

NAMINE: {singing} What, never? {singing} No, never.

GHOST: So, when does never end?

{Cut to JoeyDay's office. JCM walks in.}

JCM: Hey, look what i found!

{JCM takes the treasure chest out of his pocket.}

JOEYDAY: Wow! You're going to donate an entire treasure chest to us?

JCM: Heck no! I just wanted you to thank It's dot com for me.

JOEYDAY: Umm, sure. But, first, why don't I just look what what inside.

NAMINE: First, you need to edit your punctuation so it actually sounds like a question.

{JCM opens the treasure chest to reveal it being full of doubloons.}

JCM: Cool, isn't it? And it only cost me a jar and a ghost!

JOEYDAY: JCM, are you sure that's real?

JCM: Of course! What would make you think otherwise?

JOEYDAY: The Hershey's logo on it.

JCM: What?

{JCM tears off the wrapper of one "doubloon" and panic.}

JCM: NOOOOOOOOO! I'm allergic to chocolate.

NAMINE: What a contrived coincidence! I'm also allergic to chocolate!

{Noxigar arrives with a box of chocolates}
NOXIGAR: Hey, I-
NAMINE: I'm allergic to chocolate as of this episode.
{Noxigar facepalms, then puts the chocolate away.}
NOXIGAR: I got those for you. I thought you liked chocolate?
NAMINE: How could you get pizza mixed up with chocolate? Pizza Hut doesn't even sell boxes of chocolate!
NOXIGAR: Because of the side you ordered with the pizza?

{Namine hits Noxigar with a brick.}

{It's dot com walks onscreen.}

IT'S DOT COM: JCM, what are you doing with my chocolates?

JOEYDAY: Wait a minute...I thought you told me to ban chocolate from the school!

NAMINE: Another contrived coincidence!

IT'S DOT COM: {worried} Um, darn! We must've missed one, then! Heh, heh. {quietly} And I thought I had a ghost to protect it.

JCM: Well, at least I still have my ghost!

{JCM takes out the jar with the ghost in it.}

GHOST: You want your money back, don't you?

IT'S DOT COM: I have no idea who you are, but yes.

JCM: Well, since everything's sorta explained, why were you dressed up as a pirate, DC?

IT'S DOT COM: It's Halloween today. Duh.

JCM: Oh, yeah! That's why I dressed up like a gentleman this morning!

IT'S DOT COM: Wasn't that for the school picture?

JCM: It's the same kind of scary.

NAMINE: Halloween episode? Well, no wonder!

{The End}