(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/JCM-MOVIES/4
Someone is out for revenge, and JCM tries to figure out what happened to the cafeteria lunch.
NAMINE: So Plot A and Plot B are no longer hidden agendas. Well, this surpasses South Park a bit, I guess.
Movie
{JCM walks into the school cafeteria.}
JCM: I'm so glad that the cafeteria is finally open! I got sick of eating outside.
NAMINE: Schools that have Open Lunch usually refer to it as a blessing
It caused me to lose my hand to a dog.
NAMINE: Wait, what? How in the-
{JCM raises his arm to show a blue balloon in place of his hand. The balloon flies out of JCM's shirt and offscreen.}
JCM: {sighs} Oh well. {walks offscreen}
{JCM walks into the lunch line with a tray in his hand.}
JCM: Hey, there, lunch lady-
LUNCH LADY: {offscreen} I'm a man.
NAMINE: Eesh, this is unsettling!
JCM: ...Seriously? What's with the hairnet, then?
LUNCH MAN: {angrily} Just tell me what you want.
JCM: A chili dog, my fine lunch man.
NAMINE: Now you sound like Jaleel White trying to give Sonic some 'tude in the voice acting
{The lunch man's big hand comes onscreen and drops some chili onto JCM's plate.}
JCM: I see the chili, but where's the dog?
NAMINE: Wait for it...
{The lunch man throws a real dog onto JCM's plate. The dog looks at JCM angrily.}
NAMINE: Aha! I knew where that joke would go before the actions were written!
JCM: {scared} Bad choice of words. Gah!
{JCM runs offscreen with the dog running after him.}
LUNCH MAN: {offscreen} Stupid...spoiled...brats.
NAMINE: This line is... so... contrived.
{A crash is heard.}
JCM: {offscreen} My hands!
{Cut to outside the cafeteria's back door. Someone in a hooded cloak walks onscreen. Suspenseful music starts playing.}
CLOAK WEARER: It's time.
NAMINE: To kill some unused characters so we can pull a J.K. Rowling last minute!
{Suddenly, a sockpuppet comes out of the cloak and the music abruptly stops.}
SOCKPUPPET: Time for what? Lunch? I mean, we are behind a cafeteria...
CLOAK WEARER: Shh! Be quiet and get back in my cloak! People can smell you from miles away!
SOCKPUPPET: It's your fault for not washing me!
{Namine dry heaves.}
CLOAK WEARER: Grr.
{The cloak wearer tries to pull the sockpuppet back into his cloak, with no avail. He grabs the sockpuppet's "neck" and shakes it. A car drives by and stops.}
DRIVER: {in car} Hey, look, some guy in a cloak is fighting a sock! What has this world come to?
{The car drives off. The cloak wearer and sockpuppet look at the street for a while.}
NAMINE: "Damn it, we've embarassed ourselves!"
CLOAK WEARER: Um, OK. Now, for what I came here for!
SOCKPUPPET: Lunch!
CLOAK WEARER: No, you idiot! Revenge.
SOCKPUPPET: Oh, can I have my revenge sunny-side-up?
NAMINE: "No, because haven't you heard that one saying?"
CLOAK WEARER: I doesn't matter how we get it, it'll be good either way.
{The cloak wearer takes a suitcase out of his cloak.}
SOCKPUPPET: A suitcase? Are we moving here? I mean, it's not bad or anything, I mean, I'm desperate for a place to live and all, but are you sure the principal will let us-
CLOAK WEARER: No! We're not stinking moving here!
SOCKPUPPET: You don't have to yell. Gosh!
CLOAK WEARER: Why do you care! You don't even have ears!
SOCKPUPPET: {sniffs} Clothing has feelings, too.
NAMINE: Sockpuppet stole my line!
CLOAK WEARER: Gah! Will you just-
{Suddenly, Loafing leans out the door.}
LOAFING: Will you two be quiet!
NAMINE: Apparently "Loafing" is too angry to use question marks.
I'm trying to cook!
{Loafing closes the door.}
CLOAK WEARER: {relieved} Phew!
{Loafing leans out the door again.}
LOAFING: Wait a minute...Did you know your friend is a little on the short side?
SOCKPUPPET: {sniffs} I'm sensitive about my height.
LOAFING: Oh, sorry!
{Loafing closes the door again.}
CLOAK WEARER: OK, I'm just going to go lay out my plan before anyone with a working brain finds me.
NAMINE: Wait, is this H*bad? I mean, I can recognize some of these users by their more distinct traits...
{The suspenseful music starts to play again. The cloak wearer opens the suitcase, and it is revealed to be empty.}
CLOAK WEARER: {laughs maniacally} Say hello to my little friend, fanstuff school.
SOCKPUPPET: Uh, you may not know this, but the suitcase is empty.
CLOAK WEARER: Do I look blind? Of course I know that! But, it's only empty for now. Watch this.
{The cloak wearer presses a small bump inside the suitcase and it explodes, revealing a small hole. The cloak wearer puts his index finger in the hole.}
SUITCASE: Match detected.
{A small bottle flies out of the hole and into the cloak wearer's hand.}
CLOAK WEARER: Heh heh heh.
SOCKPUPPET: Cool! I wanna try!
CLOAK WEARER: But you have no hands.
SOCKPUPPET: {sadly} Oh.
CLOAK WEARER: Now, inside this little bottle is a poison. Not a fatal one, I'm not that crazy. The poison is only toxic enough to make people sick. When parents find out about the poisoned food, they'll take their kids away from this place. Then, everyone will know what it feels like to be forced to stay away from the Homestar Runner Fanstuff School! {laughs maniacally}
NAMINE: Wait... poison? Nonlethal?
NAMINE: Can't this guy just think through his plans before he spews them out for the audience to hear?
{Namine groans}
SOCKPUPPET: ...Do we still get lunch?
CLOAK WEARER: Did you listen to a thing I just said?
SOCKPUPPET: Uh, I don't have ears, like you said, so I couldn't listen.
{The suspenseful music stops abruptly. The cloak wearer and the sockpuppet have an awkward pause.}
CLOAK WEARER: Whatever. Now, if you excuse me, I have some food to poison.
{The cloak wearer puts the sockpuppet and poison inside his cloak and walks inside the door.}
{Cut to the cafeteria. JCM walks inside.}
JCM: Well, here I am again, cafeteria. With new hands!
{JCM raises up his arms to show his human-like blue hands.}
JCM: Look! Fingers! And these only cost me one million billion trillion gazillion bucks! It must've been a sale! Now, to eat some real food! Well, the chili yesterday was pretty real, since it ran off when I wasn't looking. On the other hand, since I actually want to eat something, I'll get food that isn't that real.
{JCM stops at the lunch line.}
JCM: Hello?
{Suddenly, the lunch man walks onscreen. He has a green, dry face and is skinnier than usual. He moans.}
LUNCH MAN: {scratchy} What would you like today!
JCM: {screams} A zombie! {runs away}
LUNCH MAN: {scratchy} What's his problem?
NAMINE: I thought it was obvious: you look like a zombie.
{Super Sam walks onscreen.}
SUPER SAM: Can I get anything that's not a clamburger?
NAMINE: That ruins the purpose of the running gag. So no.
Oh, my gosh!
NAMINE: What happened to "Oh, my jibney". Too mainstream for you?
LUNCH MAN: {scratchy} What?!
SUPER SAM: Uh, did you look in the mirror this morning?
LUNCH MAN: {scratchy} Are you calling me ugly?! I'm prettier than your mom!
SUPER SAM: Crikey, man, don't get angry.
{Namine groans}
LUNCH MAN: {scratchy} Don't be usin' that pretty Australian on me, yo.
{Namine groans yet again.}
SUPER SAM: I'm just saying, you look like a zombie, have a sore throat, and your breath stinks.
LUNCH MAN: What? All I ate today was the cafeteria's food that I'm required by law to try!
SUPER SAM: Yay! Now I know not to eat here! Or course, you don't need to eat here, either, you're probably hungry for brains!
LUNCH MAN: One more crack from you and I'll crack you.
NAMINE: At least this episode is redeeming itself with semi-witty wisecracks...
SUPER SAM: OK, then. I'll stop with the zombie jokes. You're probably an environmentalist, since you obviously support going green!
{Super Sam runs away and the lunch man throws a big knife in his direction.}
{Cut to an office. JCM's silhouette is seen. Detective music starts to play.}
JCM: Hmm, it seems that anybody that eats the cafeteria's food is getting sick. Since I'm not normal,
NAMINE: Fun Fact: No one is, especially not in this universe.
that doesn't apply to me, but the food does have a strange taste to it. Not good, not bad, just...strange. Since no one is brave enough to find out what in the food, because of health issues, it seems like the only person that can save the school from being shut down by health inspectors, or cause it to be shut down quicker, is...
NAMINE: Some halfwit protagonist who wants to be Sherlock Holmes for an entire episode.
{JCM walks closer to the screen, showing a clear version of him in a detective suit. He puts a pipe in his mouth.}
JCM: Detective JCM. Ack! I just smoked my pipe the wrong way!
NAMINE: That'll teach you about your pipe dream.
{JCM chokes and falls offscreen.}
{Cut to the fanstuff school. JCM walks into the cafeteria's kitchen with his detective suit on.}
DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} I knew that the first place to go was the scene of the crime.
JCM: {looks around} Now, there has to be some evidence somewhere around here.
{JCM walks to another part of the kitchen when he finds Loafer on the ground.}
JCM: {gasps} Egad!
NAMINE: Contrived interjection to make me sound British when I'm not!
Noxigar has done a few of these some days. They're not funny when he does them either.
{JCM runs over to Loafer and tries to wake him up.}
JCM: Dear gosh! He's out cold! {gets up} What criminal would've done such a thing?! You!
{The detective music stops as JCM points to a spider on the wall. Zoom into the spider. A question mark goes above his head as JCM picks off the wall.}
JCM: Now, where were you in the noon of yesterday?!
NAMINE: The first thing I do when I see someone who obviously isn't the culprit for common sense reasons is interrogate them mercilessly about the crime in question.
SPIDER: Dude, what the heck? I'm a stinking insect!
JCM: No, actually you're an arachnid,
NAMINE: "I LEARNED THIS IN BIOLOGY TODAY"
but that's not the point! You could've bitten this poor man and put venom into the food! You evil, little, mastermind, you!
SPIDER: OK, maybe I was wrong about the insect thing, but I do know I'm nontoxic.
NAMINE: And suddenly the basis for JCM's accusations dies.
JCM: Oh...You may go then.
{The spider jumps out of JCM's hand and hisses at him.}
SPIDER: Jerk. {crawls away}
JCM: Hmm, spiders in the kitchen? This place really is a health issue.
{JCM walks to the pot where the food is made.}
JCM: Cool! I wonder if they're serving up witch's brew tomorrow! Heh, get it? The witch-like pot...and witch's brew?
NAMINE: Oh, cool! Is JCM going to make a nod to Macbeth?</blockquote:Yeah, I didn't expect you would.
{JCM puts one hand in the pot and it burns it off.}
JCM: Noooooooooo!
DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} My life was ruined that very second. 1 million billion trillion gazillion bucks thrown into the hot pot. I didn't know what to do with my life at that time, all I knew was that I was hungry for revenge. No pun intended.
NAMINE: Damn, no Macbeth allusion! That sucks.JCM: I will find out who ruined this food, and I'll kill him!
NAMINE: Isn't that a little harsh?{Suddenly, a brick is thrown at JCM, knocking him onto the ground, unconscious. The hooded cloak wearer walks onscreen and picks up the brick.}
CLOAK WEARER: {chuckles} That won't happen anytime soon.
{The cloak wearer tosses the brick behind his shoulder.}
CLOAK WEARER: It took a few hours to pry that from the wall, but it was worth it. Now that I killed two idiots from the brick, no one will ever know of my poisoning of the food now!
{JCM and Loafing are on the ground, pieces of brick in their heads. The cloak wearer comes back onscreen, looks down at them, and chuckles.}
CLOAK WEARER: You guys thought you could stop me from my evil plan and you...well....didn't. Kind of.
{The sockpuppet peeks out of the cloak wearer's cloak and gasps.}
SOCKPUPPET: Hey! You promised that I got to throw the brick this time!
CLOAK WEARER: Well, you see, it's like this. I lied!
SOCKPUPPET: ...Jerk.
NAMINE: "You're a jerk!"
NAMINE: "I know."
NAMINE: "I know."
NAMINE: "You're a jerk!"
{The sockpuppet hides back in the cloak wearer's cloak.}
CLOAK WEARER: What a baby. Now, to hide these bodies.
{The cloak wearer looks back down and finds JCM missing.}
NAMINE: Strange, I don't remember JCM Missing appearing in this episode...CLOAK WEARER: Hey! Where'd the blue kid go? Socky, did you take him?
SOCKPUPPET: {offscreen} Sorry, can't hear you!
CLOAK WEARER: Oh, what am I thinking? He couldn't have if he wanted to. I think I would've felt that kid's big head in my-
{A shoe hits the cloak wearer's head.}
CLOAK WEARER: What the? Is it raining shoes again? No, wait, we're inside. This can mean only one thing!
{The cloak wearer turns to see JCM on a pipe in a heroic pose.}
CLOAK WEARER: How is this possible? The brick I threw at you should've killed you!
JCM: I think there's a lesson to be learned here. Always check a boy's hat for hardness before throwing a brick at him! Now, time for vengeance for my hand!
{Everyone pauses for a second.}
SOCKPUPPET: {offscreen} Why did it get so quiet all of a sudden? This is getting scary!
CLOAK WEARER: OK, I don't care if you survived the brick, you will not get out of this kitchen alive!
JCM: Oh, please! How are you going to get me? You're going to throw your friend at me?
{Suddenly, the pipe JCM's standing on starts to shake.}
JCM: {scared} What's happening?
{The pipe breaks and hundreds of gallons of water starts to come out as JCM falls to the ground.}
CLOAK WEARER: You idiot! Your fat self broke the pipe!
NAMINE: A fat joke? Really? In a food-themed episode? Aww, come on.JCM: Wow, you think I'm phat? Thanks!
{The sockpuppet sticks his head out of the cloak wearer's cloak.}
SOCKPUPPET: I'm still upset at the guy in the cloak, but I just want everyone to know how glad I am that JCM doesn't know he means the big fat because then he'll I'll have nowhere to live!
CLOAK WEARER: Go away! And JCM, why would I mean the good phat? We'll all soon drown because of you!
JCM: Maybe.
DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} Oh, why couldn't I do my heroic thing on a table or something? I swam like a duck! Oh, wait.
{JCM scratches his head}
{Cut to Sunny Corp. Lightning Guy is watching the kitchen crises on a television.}
LIGHTING GUY: {laughs} This is going to be good!
{Mr. Cloud flies to Lightning Guy with an electric ball.}
MR. CLOUD: Hey, Lightning Guy, do you mind if I sell thing electric ball
NAMINE: Hey, Mr. Cloud, do you mind if I riff thing bad grammar?I stole from your bathroom?
{They have an awkward silence.}
LIGHTING GUY: OK.
NAMINE: "Just never set foot in my bathroom again"MR. CLOUD: Thanks, man! {leaves}
LIGHTING GUY: I wonder if I can sneak away from here and get that water from that kitchen.
MRS. SUNNY: I heard that!
LIGHTING GUY: Too bad. It's my break in 5...4...3...2...1-See ya!
{Lightning Guy flies offscreen.}
MRS. SUNNY: Oh...I HATE GIVING BREAKS!
{Smoke comes from Mrs. Sunny's head and she blows up. A second Mrs. Sunny flies onscreen.}
MRS. SUNNY: {sighs} Stupid lightning bolt.
NAMINE: My sentiments exactly.{Cut to the Homestar Runner Fanstuff School. Lightning Guy flies through one of the windows. He looks down and sees the librarian, Heimstern Läufer, looks up at him in terror.}
LIGHTING GUY: Um, hi there. Do you know where the cafeteria is?
{Heimstern speaks in a german accent.}
NAMINE: This dialogue would be good if Heimstern actually spoke prior.HEIMSTERN LÄUFER: {points} Over there.
{Lightning Guy flies offscreen and Heimstern puts a thermometer in his mouth.}
{Cut to the kitchen. The water is rising up to the ceiling. JCM floats while the cloak wearer struggles just to keep his head above water.}
CLOAK WEARER: Stop thinking of a stupid comparison to your swimming! You float, anyway!
JCM: Shhh! I'm trying to think!
CLOAK WEARER: Will you just stinking help me?!
NAMINE: Fake swearing :LJCM: Will you just...talk to the sock? Hey, that rhymed! Talk to the sock, talk to the sock, talk to the sock.
CLOAK WEARER: {dry} I hate you.
{Suddenly, Lightning Guy flies in from the above the screen.}
CLOAK WEARER: Hey, where did he come from?
NAMINE: Obviously from above the screenLIGHTING GUY: That doesn't matter. I'm here to take the water you're drowning in.
CLOAK WEARER: Aren't you going to help us?
LIGHTING GUY: Yeah, I don't really care about you guys much.
JCM: {jaw drops} I've got it! I swim like a lightning bolt!
LIGHTING GUY: OK.
{Lightning Guy takes a vacuum cleaner out of nowhere.}
CLOAK WEARER: Where did you get that vacuum cleaner from?!
NAMINE: From the fact Lightning Guy sucks.{Lightning Guy turns the vacuum cleaner on and it starts sucking up the water. Suddenly, it stops, shakes, then explodes.}
{Cut to a white screen. Lightning Guy flies in.}
LIGHTING GUY: Oops, forgot to make it water and lightning compatible.
{Lightning Guy presses a button on the vacuum cleaner and everything except the water appears again.}
JCM: {shivering} OK, I just saw things. Scary things.
LIGHTING GUY: Well, I'm one step closer to getting my old job back.
CLOAK WEARER: {offscreen} Oh, thank goodness! I really thought I'd drown and-
{JCM looks at him with a shocked expression.}
CLOAK WEARER: {offscreen} What?
DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} I still had only one hand, and all the water ruined the poisoned food, so there was no point in staying here, but after I saw what I saw, I wanted to get out even more.
{Cut to a view of the sockpuppet.}
NAMINE: OH COME ON DON'T TELL ME THE SOCKPUPPET'S GOING TO GIVE OUT A PLOT TWIST OF SOME KIND
He should've done this ages ago.SOCKPUPPET: Uh, master, I have something important to say.
{The sockpuppet whispers in an ear.}
CLOAK WEARER: {offscreen} What?! Uh oh.
{Pan left to show H*Bad with the sockpuppet on his hand and a nervous look.}
H*BAD: Pay no attention to the boy with the sock in his hand!
NAMINE: "Pay no attention to the awkward Wizard of the Oz quote which makes no sense in any other context"SOCKPUPPET: Stop calling me an inanimate object! How would you like it if I kept calling you two humans?
{Everyone pauses for a second.}
JCM: I don't really know, but-Wait a minute! You're H*Bad! You were expelled from here a year ago! Why are you back?
H*BAD: Because of you jerks, my parents thought of me as a criminal and ran away! I had to live in a cardboard box and get a job so I could fend for myself and Socky!
NAMINE: This would be tragic, except for the basis of the real life explanation for H*Bad's "expulsion".JCM: {laughs} Socky.
H*BAD: Anyway, the people here that shunned me and kicked me out ruined my life, and I spent a year thinking of ways to get back at them!
NAMINE: Problem: the real H*Bad didn't want to revenge anyone. He just wanted to be rid of forever and did a lot of things to intentionally get this result.This is the day that I have my revenge! And what better way to do so than by having the students here feel the same pain I did for over a year!
NAMINE: And what better way to make this sentence feel like H*bad has any reason to go back to HRFSHS by making there be no question marks!Having them taken away against from here against their will, and as a bonus, I'll have this place torn down by health inspectors. And no one, not even you, can stop me!
JCM: Let's see, you killed Loafing, harmed various students and teachers, and broke an expulsion law just for revenge! Yeah, you seem pretty innocent!
NAMINE: I like how the sarcasm here is obvious.H*BAD: I don't care if I'm innocent or not! The people here had no right to take me away from the place I had the best years of my life at!
NAMINE: Wait, what? I'm sorry, but Irrational Researchings gave me an entirely different story. :LJCM: Uh, yeah, they kinda do. Anyway, you had plenty of chances, and ruined them all! Now, you're going to ruin us for punishing you?
{H*Bad puts his hands on his ears.}
H*BAD: I'm not listening to you! You don't know me!
JCM: You kicked out yourself!
NAMINE: And now JCM is taking a page out of Star Wars Episode 3. The problem? Star Wars Episodes 4-6 are the only good things George Lucas has ever made or will ever make in his lifetime!You acted like you wanted this to happen!
H*BAD: I made a few mistakes. You weren't even there, newbie!
JCM: I know enough about you to know that you did all this to yourself. Your parents thought of you as a criminal because you are a criminal. You need to learn to take responsibility and blame yourself once in a while.
H*BAD: God,
NAMINE: Awww, what happened to saying "Gosh"?you sound like my mom!
NAMINE: Predictable statements. Come on, JCM!
WHY DOES NOXIGAR LIKE THIS?Will you stay out of my business and let me do what I came here to do?
JCM: Let me see, uh, no.
NAMINE: "Because it affects me, too!"LIGHTING GUY: Um, guys, you do know I never left, right? I hear every word you're saying.
DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} This boy wasn't cooperating. He was willing to hurt so many people just for his own selfish needs. I needed a drink, but Lightning guy sucked up all the water.
LIGHTING GUY: So, yeah, I'm just going to go, now. Good luck.
{Lightning Guy flies offscreen.}
LIGHTING GUY: {offscreen} You'll need it.
H*BAD: You stupid lightning bolt! Why can't you vacuum up other people's clothes?!
JCM: Uh, that didn't sound right. Now, time to have you arrested. Maybe the cops will give me another hand for free!
H*BAD: {laughs} Arrested?! Not gonna happen.
JCM: How are you going to get out of that?!
H*BAD: Temporary insanity?
NAMINE: Insanity is temporary now? Man, I need to watch more Law & Order SVUJCM: You will not. You killed Loafing, poisoned the cafeteria food, caused me to be one-handed and came back after being expelled. The person that wouldn't arrest you for all that would be the crazy one. So, you fail.
{H*Bad walks up to JCM.}
H*BAD: Like I said, you won't get out of this kitchen alive. Not as long as I am.
{Suddenly, a big knife flies into H*Bad's back.}
NAMINE: Oh, the irony!H*BAD: Bad choice of words. {falls}
JCM: Well, you are H*Bad. Everything you do is bad. Even your hair is bad. I hate that stupid hair! Oh, hi, lunch man, did you see that big knife fly and kill H*Bad from nowhere? It must be karma.
{The lunch man walks onscreen.}
LUNCH MAN: You idiot! I did that! I overheard your conversation with H*Bad and decided to stop that maniac.
NAMINE: THANK YOU, LUNCH MAN! YOU ENDED THIS GARBAGE!
But it's still not over, is it?JCM: Oh my gosh. So, you're karma. I always thought that was a state of mind, not a person.
{The lunch man facepalms.}
NAMINE: My sentiments exactly.JCM: I can't wait to tell my parents that I met Karma in real life!
NAMINE: They will shrug and give you smart-ass remarks asking more about what Karma looked like. When they realize you're just referring to the Lunch Man in your high school...And a man made of Lightning, too! If only I had my camera with me. She probably won't believe me, but still-
LUNCH MAN: Oh, will you shut up?!
JCM: Sorry, Karma.
LUNCH MAN: My name's not Karma! Gosh! {walks away}
JCM: Bye, Karma.
NAMINE: The clueless high school male protagonist always has to miss the point of everything, right?
NAMINE: Right?LUNCH MAN: {offscreen} Ugh!
DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} So, this was a neat day for me. I solved the case of the bad food, found out a way to describe my bad swimming, and met the real Karma! Now, all I need is a new hand!
{Suddenly, JCM's last human hand falls off and his normal hands grow back.}
DETECTIVE JCM: {narrating} OK, fixed.
{The-}
NAMINE: NOOOOO WHY ISN'T THIS ENDING?JCM: Wait! I just thought of something! If H*Bad's poison was meant to just make people sick, how come they got bad breath, too? Was that a side effect of the poison?
{H*Bad's sockpuppet comes onscreen.}
SOCKPUPPET: Actually, that was me. Sorry.
{JCM screams and then the sockpuppet falls off his hand.}
JCM: Oh.
{The End}
NAMINE: And this is why no one else attempts twist endings. Because they always come off as awkward.
