(even if you aren't vegan)
RiffText/B&D
Contents
Adventure 1
{Dylan is sitting on the couch reading the paper. Brooks comes in from the front door with several grocery bags.}
BROOKS: I'm ho-ome!
DYLAN: Did you get the milk?
BROOKS: ..whoops, I forgot.
NOXIGAR: I purchased some magic beans instead!
DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT
the end
Adventure 2
{Dylan is using the bathroom in his and Brooks' apartment. He hears his front door open.}
BROOKS: Dylan? Where are you?
DYLAN: I'm taking the browns to the super bowl!
BROOKS: I get it!
{There is a pause}
BROOKS: Hey, is it okay if we get a cat?
DYLAN: Dude, bills are enough as is. We can't afford a cat right now.
CAT: meow
NOXIGAR: Translation: "Problem, Dylan?"
DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT
the end
Adventure 3
{Dylan and Brooks are looking at their new cat}
DYLAN: What should we name him?
BROOKS: I'm not sure...
{The cat barfs up some loose change.}
BROOKS: I got it! We'll name him Coin!
DYLAN: Hey yeah, that's a swell name!
COIN: baw
NOXIGAR: ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT?
DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT
the end
Adventure 4 (FAN ADVENTURE)
{Dylan and Brooks are watching TV together. They are sitting in different chairs because they're not gay okay?}
DYLAN: Man, I haven't watched TV this exciting in a long time!
BROOKS: Yeah, this is pulse-pounding!
{Coin gets on Dylan's lap.}
DYLAN: Aww, hey Coin!
{Coin sits on the remote control and changes it to Oxygen.}
DYLAN: COIN GET OUT OF HERE
BROOKS: COIN GET OUT
NOXIGAR: DAMN you're harsh to the cat even though it has so few lines of dialogue and so little screentime.
{Coin leaves and cries.}
DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT
the end
Adventure 5
{Dylan walks in the apartment, with a loosened tie. He has a goofy grin on his face.}
DYLAN: Hey, Coin! That was a great first date I just went on! Where's Brooks? Broo-oks?
{silence}
DYLAN: Oh, well. Hey, my date is probably about to call me and invite me out for a second time! I can't wait!
NOXIGAR: Or the more realistic scenario is that you will be banished to the Friend Zone by the lack of a call and Brooks will call instead.
{Dylan walks over to the phone and sits next to it. Time passes. One hour later, the phone rings.}
DYLAN: Yes! {picks up the phone} Hello?
BROOKS:
NOXIGAR: TOLD YOU.
I totaled
NOXIGAR: totalled
the car.
DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT
the end
Adventure 6
{It is Sunday morning. Dylan is asleep in bed, and Brooks is all dressed up.}
BROOKS: We're going to church!
DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT
the end
NOXIGAR: So far, this is the only Adventure convenient enough to make Dylan's catchphrase funny, and only in an ironic way.
Adventure 7
{A charming young man with a >:I face walks in the doorway. He is wearing gingham and Adidas shoes.}
bluebry: i think this sucks
NOXIGAR: I agree with you.
{Dylan and Brooks look at each other.}
{They bukkake
NOXIGAR: Bukkake is not at all familair to me. Probably because I don't know Japanese.
all over bluebry.}
bluebry: gosh darnit
NOXIGAR: YAY, THE ENDING CHANGED.
{Noxigar realizes that Gosh darnit is simply a fake swear identical twin of}
NOXIGAR: GOD DAMMIT
Adventure 8
{NachoMan is at his computer. He logs on to the HRFWiki and sees that it is boring and populated exclusively by dirty thirdies. He shakes his head.}
NACHOMAN: Oh, wiki. Where did we go wrong?
NOXIGAR: Let's start at the beginning.
{Super Sam barges in.}
SUPER SAM: Fear not, I have re-opened the WUW to escape the boringness of the HRFWiki!
NACHOMAN: G--- :)
NOXIGAR: A legitimate change in
{Noxigar realizes that the smile is simply sarcasm code for}
NOXIGAR: GOD DAMMIT
Adventure 9 (FAN ADVENTURE)
{Brooks is sitting on the couch with a girl, watching TV. They are not holding hands that would be sinful.
NOXIGAR: THAT IS BLASPHEMY. THAT IS MADNESS.
Dylan walks in with a video tape in his hand.}
NOXIGAR: {imitating Dylan} GOD DAMMIT they caught me trying to sneak a tape of them having a fling OH DEAR HOW AM I GOING TO PAY THE BILLS NOW?!
DYLAN: Hey, Brooks! Who's the girl?
BROOKS: Oh, this is just my girlfriend!
NOXIGAR: {still imitating Dylan} How convenient for the tape, then!
DYLAN: Oh, lucky!
BROOKS: Hey, uh, Dylan, what were you going to do with that video tape?
NOXIGAR: {still imitating Dylan, but in sing-song} ON THE R-OAD TO NOWHERE
DYLAN: Oh, I was just going to watch some home movies!
BROOKS: Well alrighty then, I bet my girlfriend wouldn't mind!
{Dylan puts on the tape.}
NOXIGAR: Oh, so the tape isn't empty. Well that is a convenient cover-up if there ever was one.
PBTC THE CHEAT: {reading email} Yes I know, what do you think of Family Guy? Crapfully yours, A penguin. Well, Pengy. To be honest, I have never ever seen or heard of Family Guy. Now, hang on. {The Cheat pulls out a cell phone}
BROOKS: GOD DAMMIT
NOXIGAR: It's not like your girlfriend was gonna give a shit.
{Suddenly the tape cuts to a video of baby Dylan in the tub.}
BROOKS' GIRLFRIEND: What a tiny baby penis!!
NOXIGAR: Wait, so Brooks' girlfriend is actively looking at baby Dylan's penis. {starts to laugh} What is this, I don't even know?
DYLAN: GOD DAMMIT
{Noxigar cackles madly, unaware that Dylan's catchphrase is tired-out at this point}
the end
NOXIGAR: {laughing in between each word/phrase} That. Right there. Is Brooks' swag.
